The Convention

Michael:I'm going to be a father.

Pam:What?

Michael:I'm adopting. Oprah did it, so I'm doing it.

Michael:Adoption costs a thousand dollars? That's a lot of money. I could buy a really nice plasma screen TV for that.

Michael:Wait, so you're telling me I could get a baby OR a plasma screen TV? This is like comparison shopping.

Michael:Eight months? That's like... that's like having a baby, but worse because you have to wait for it. No, forget it. I don't want a baby anymore.

Michael:Okay, so if we're both still single at 40, we should get married.

Pam:No.

Michael:What if we're both single at 50?

Pam:No.

Michael:60?

Pam:No.

Michael:We're literally gonna be dead soon anyway.

Pam:No.

Michael:Dwight, what is all this stuff?

Dwight:Protection. Condoms, dental dams, contraceptive foam.

Michael:Dwight, we're going to a convention, not a brothel.

Dwight:Better to be safe than sorry.

Michael:That is disgusting.

Michael:This is going to be wild! We're talking non-stop action, beautiful people, crazy nights...

Michael:We're going to the Office Supply Convention in Orlando.

Michael:Josh is known around my condo as 'The Condo Slayer.'

Angela:I don't appreciate being called 'Monkey.' It's demeaning.

Dwight:But Angela, it's a term of endearment!

Angela:Well, ARM, I find it offensive.

Angela:My mother always said, 'If you have to ask, you probably shouldn't be doing it.'

Angela:It's a family saying about... well, everything really. Finances, relationships, major decisions.

Angela:But mostly relationships. And by relationships, I mean... how many partners a woman has had.

Pam:He's a doctor. Well, sort of. He's a veterinarian. But he's still a doctor!

Pam:And we have so much in common. He loves animals, and I love animals. Well, I mean, I don't love them as much as he does, but I appreciate them.

Pam:I haven't been on a first date in nine years.

Pam:Wait... why did I just say that to the cameras?

Kelly:Oh my God, Pam, you should totally wear a wedding dress on your first date.

Angela:That's completely inappropriate.

Kelly:What? It shows commitment. Guys love that.

Michael:What do you want me to tell him?

Pam:Um... um... um...

Michael:Okay, I'll let him know.

Creed:Shekels? I want to get on that train.

Creed:Andrea's the office bicycle. Everyone's had a ride.

Creed:I'm Creed Bratton. Nice to meet you.

Michael:Jim! You've been avoiding me all day! I saw you hiding behind the registration table!

Jim:Michael, I wasn't hiding, I was just—

Michael:Don't lie to me, Jim. You're committing an act of treachery. A total betrayal of our bromance. This is like Pearl Arbor all over again.

Jim:Pearl Harbor?

Michael:That's what I said. Now come here, we need to hug this out.

Michael:That's like saying a firefighter would abandon his post because he heard there was a better fire across town.

Jim:You know, I've really matured. I don't prank Dwight anymore. I've moved past that childish behavior.

Dwight:False. I can sense your deception.

Jim:No, seriously, I'm done with all that. I respect Dwight now as a colleague and—

Dwight:Idiot.

Jim:Okay, so I'm gonna need you to sign for this package that's addressed to 'Dwide Schrute.'

Josh:Wait, Pam's single? That's great! I mean, not great for her obviously, that's sad. But great for me. I mean, great in general. Look, what I'm saying is, I respect her too much to take advantage of that situation. But if I didn't respect her, I would absolutely... you know what, never mind.

Michael:Jan, we need to set some ground rules here.

Jan:Michael, I think that's a good idea.

Michael:Okay, so rule number one: no calling me at work unless it's an emergency. Rule number two: we keep this professional at the office. And rule number three—

Jan:Michael, I'm talking about our working relationship and business practices.

Michael:Right, right, I know. That's what I'm saying. So when you come over to my place later, we'll need to be discreet. My neighbors already talk.

Jan:I'm not coming over to your place.

Michael:Not tonight, but eventually. I'm just saying, let's take it slow. I respect you too much to rush into anything.

Jan:What are you talking about?

Michael:I'm saying, it takes a brave man to admit he's in love. And that's what I just did.

Jan:Michael, no.

Michael:See, that's what I'm talking about. Your silence, your shock — it's because you're so moved by my vulnerability. That takes guts to appreciate that kind of honesty.

Michael:When I book a hotel room, I think about it like a retail location. I want high foot traffic, good visibility from the street, and easy access to the elevator. That's why I always get a room right next to the ice machine.

Michael:People are constantly walking by, they see my room, they think, 'Hey, there's a party happening in there.' It's all about location, location, location.

Jim:So there was this thing that happened at Stamford...

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Is this an inside joke? Because I want to be included. I hate when people have inside jokes. It makes me feel like I'm not part of the group. Just... just tell me the joke. I want to laugh too.

Michael:Yeah, I got some great stuff at the convention. Pens, notepads, USB drives. You know, the usual swag.

Michael:And I'm not gonna lie, I decorated my entire condo with this stuff. I got a Dunder Mifflin branded throw pillow on my couch, a Sandals Jamaica beach towel in my bathroom, and I'm pretty sure my shower curtain is from a 1997 sales conference in Atlantic City.

Michael:My place looks like a gift shop exploded in it. And I love it.

Jim:Why do they call you 'The Enforcer'?

Dwight:Because I enforce the rules.

Michael:I just got an email from Jan.

Dwight:Michael, you don't know how to check your email.

Michael:Yes I do.

Dwight:You once asked me what the 'at' symbol was for.

Dwight:I have a buddy on the police force who can get us that information.

Jim:Really?

Dwight:Yeah, he's a volunteer.

Roy:Hey Pam, I've been meaning to talk to you about something important.

Roy:I... uh... sorry, I completely blanked.

Pam:Oh. That's okay.

Michael:If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael:Two girlfriends? That's impossible.

Jim:Why would I make that up?

Michael:Because you're jealous. You're jealous that I have two girlfriends and you don't.

Jim:You don't have two girlfriends.

Michael:Yes, I do. I have Pam and... someone else.

Phyllis:If you're going to spend that kind of money on dinner, you're going to get some.

Michael:Come on, Josh, one more game. Best two out of three?

Josh:Michael, I really should get back to work.

Michael:Work? What's more important than this? We're bonding. This is what it's all about.

Josh:I appreciate that, but—

Michael:No buts. Look, I'll even let you win the next one. How's that? Everyone wins!

Josh:That's okay, really.

Michael:Or we could play HORSE. Or Around the World. Or we could just stand here and talk about basketball. I know a lot about basketball.

Michael:Look, Jim and I had a really special friendship. We did everything together. We'd go to lunch, we'd talk about our feelings, we'd cry together sometimes.

Jim:Michael, that's not what friendship is.

Michael:Phooey! You're just being childish about this whole thing.

Michael:Well, maybe you just overestimated how much you underestimated me.

Jim:Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Jim:Who do I tell first? Who do I tell first?

Jim:Pam? Ryan? Should I wait for Pam?

Kelly:So Pam, Allen loves ketchup. Allen, Pam loves mustard. You guys have so much in common!

Pam:Actually, I prefer mustard.

Allen:I like ketchup.

Kelly:Right! See? You're basically the same person!

Michael:Welcome! Welcome to my party! You're the first one here!

Guest:Oh... so you're the party.

Allen:You see, what I've done is taken the mundane, the everyday, and elevated it to high art. The cartoon isn't just about what you see on screen—it's a commentary on society, on the human condition. People call it edgy, but that's because they're not ready for that level of sophistication. Most cartoons pander to the lowest common denominator, but mine? Mine challenges the viewer to think, to question, to examine their own existence through the lens of animation.

Pam:I thought that date was going to be different, you know? But then I realized... I already know who I like.

Jan:Am I the first one here?

Michael:No, no, no. People have been here all night. It's been crazy. We've had like, I don't know, 300 people through here.

Jan:Really?

Michael:Yeah. Yeah, it's been a madhouse.

Michael:Why did you really transfer to the Stamford branch?

Jim:I needed a fresh start. To get away from... certain distractions.

Michael:Distractions? What kind of distractions?

Jim:Pam. I'm in love with Pam.

Michael:You know what you should do? Talk to Roy. Get his perspective on things.

Jim:What? No, Michael, Roy is Pam's boyfriend.

Michael:Exactly. He's the competition. You gotta know your enemy.

Michael:You know, I've learned that it's not about having a lot of friends. It's about having real friends. Quality over quantity. And the best friendships happen... effortlessly. Or as I like to say, 'ex-fortlessly.'

Jim:What are all these stains on the walls?

Hotel Manager:Well, that could be... sweat, or tears, or... vomit, or...

Jim:Okay, okay, I get it.

Hotel Manager:...or blood, or semen, or—

Jim:Wait, wait. Is urine the best-case scenario here?