Business School

Oh, damn. I lost another file. Gonna have to reboot, again.

In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. So, for the past couple weeks, I've been conducting a similar experiment.

Altoid? Sure. Mint, Dwight? 'Mint, Dwight?' Yes.

What are you doing? I... What? I don't know. I...

My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.

Always the bridesmaids, right, ladies?

She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride.

Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding, which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the Bride.

It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.

Phyllis ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like, 'Wait, I thought I called that off?'

So, what's in the box? A toaster. You? A toaster. Unbelievable.

You look as beautiful as the Queen of England. Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left.

The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.

'P and R'? Phyllis and Robert? Oh, of course. Also, Pam and Roy.

I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin. Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.

If you need to vomit, that is okay. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight? No. Because I know you're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure.

Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay if you did, it's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding, and you're nervous... That wasn't me. Okay.

I'm sure that Bob... Wow, that is... That is pungent. I lost my train of thought.

Are you set on that hairstyle? I thought it was... Michael, no... Here, let me. I don't need your help. Thank you, no. Just cover up that bald patch. Michael, please. I just need some time alone.

You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My mom was marrying Jeff, and they asked me to be ring bearer. And I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.

I hate you! A long story short, Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that, after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said boo.

Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.

I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.

Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.

Hi, I'm Kevin. Where did you find her? At the gym. Right. The gym...

Could you scoot over? You're on my dress. I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding. I know, but there was an emergency. I look really good in white.

This strapping, young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Elbert, and he is quite the ladies' man. Aren't you, Elbert? Huh? Ring bearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better.

That's my dress.

It's...

Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now, the wedding has no highlight.

I can't believe I pushed that guy's lazy ass around all day until he was ready to stand up and steal the show.

Well, I've got news for you, Elbert, if that's your real name, the show's not over.

And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, for the first time as a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Bob Vance!

And do you, Bob, take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. You may now kiss the bride. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time as a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Bob Vance!

That's what I'm talking about!

Your dress is very white. It's so white, my eyes are burning. Thanks, Angela.

But just know, if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you. If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you. Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.

Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too?

Also, I'm gonna need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers. I don't have that, Dwight. Damn it, Phyllis!

This must be so awful for you. What do you mean? Well, this is supposed to be your wedding. Oh! No, that's actually fine. There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just, like, freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.

Excuse me, sir, how do you know the happy couple? Who? The bride and groom. What are their names? I don't... I'm not sure... I get it. I get it. Come on, freeloader. Let's move it.

Why don't you find your seat and enjoy the buffet. I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back. It's fish. I will take care of that.

I do. I know a fair amount about fine food and drink. This is a white.

This is not our first wedding. This is the third wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.

Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I'm supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It's a very serious situation.

I know I don't normally notice these kind of things, but this wedding's really nice. I mean, the flowers and stuff. Phyllis has got some great taste. You're kidding me, right?

I know you probably aren't gonna remember this, but, those color roses, I got you those color roses for our prom. Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.

I guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning. Yeah. Sorry about that. It's okay. Well, you think it sucks for you? I'm the one who actually wanted to get married.

Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler! Cheers. Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Michael Scott. And, for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance, one of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time.

Webster's dictionary defines wedding as 'the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.' Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals.

The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.

Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be Flob.

You look at her, and she's kind of matronly today, but back in high school, I swear her nickname was Easy Rider.

I didn't say anything when Phyllis's dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this, okay? Give me the microphone. No, I'm not going to. Michael, give me the microphone. It's okay. You're out of here.

I hate you!

When are we gonna get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? I'm pacing myself. Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want. No. I'm such a dorky dancer. I know. And it's very cute.

Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then, no, it's totally hypothetical.

Come on. I can't let you in, Michael. Dwight, just... No. It's Bob and Phyllis's orders. Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit, and have a piece of cake. I'm not even gonna dance, one song, maybe...

You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.

Hey! They're playing our song, huh? Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played The Police. I know. I... I gave them 20 bucks.

You wanna dance?

Hey, you wanna get out of here?

Here's a non-hypothetical, I'm really happy I'm with Karen.

Toby... Yeah! I just want Phyllis to have a great day. Phyllis and you will be great together. We are great together. We are a great team. The Celtics were a great team. Yes. Yes, they were. Robert Parish...

I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon. Well, nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know. Dude, keep it together.

Phyllis? Phyllis, wait, please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember. You found Uncle Al! Yeah, yeah. He's kind of a weirdo. Thank you, Michael.

They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say, that's crazy. I say, 'Let them eat cake.' Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

Be careful with the... No! Oh, wow! Phyllis. Phyllis, come on. You look like a clown. Here. Oh, get me. Get me!