Phyllis Wedding

Michael:Son, there are going to be times in your life when you feel lost, when you don't know which way to turn. But I want you to know that I'm always going to be here for you.

Dwight:What if you're not here? What if you're in Scranton and I'm in... Carbondale?

Michael:I... what?

Dwight:Also, how do I know it's really you and not an impostor? Should we establish a code word?

Michael:Dwight, this is... this is a video for my son.

Dwight:Even more reason to have security protocols.

Michael:I had this epiphery the other day.

Michael:You know, life is all about the little things. The dealio is, you gotta appreciate every moment.

Michael:Okay, so you clip the positive to the positive, negative to the negative. That's the right way to do it.

Michael:But if you're in a hurry, you can really clip those cables anywhere. The engine, the bumper, I've clipped them to a license plate before.

Michael:Doesn't really matter. It all works the same.

Michael:Okay, so here's the thing about bras. You twist it like this, see? Twist until something breaks.

Pam:Ow! Michael, that's my rib!

Michael:That's how you know you're doing it right.

Michael:I would love my son unconditionally. No matter what he did, I would always love him.

Dwight:Even if he murdered you?

Michael:Yes.

Dwight:Interesting. Because I would murder you.

Michael:I'm instituting prima nocta for the wedding.

Michael:It's a medieval tradition where the lord of the land gets to be with the bride on her wedding night before the groom does. It's actually a beautiful thing when you think about it.

Michael:Prima nocta. It's an ancient practice where the lord of the land got the first night with the bride.

Michael:Actually, you know what? I have no idea what prima nocta is.

Michael:A bachelor party is a celebration where the groom's friends get together and really... let loose.

Michael:We're talking about getting down and dirty with the guys.

Michael:Just a bunch of men, touching each other, getting sweaty, doing things we normally wouldn't do.

Michael:It's all about penetrating deep into the night, if you know what I mean.

Pam:I'm not eavesdropping.

Pam:I can just tell by the way he's standing that he's uncomfortable.

Pam:I've gotten very good at reading Jim's body language from behind.

Todd Packer:Hey Jim, what's up, homie? You're da bomb! That's tight!

Jim:...Todd, it's 2010.

Todd Packer:I know, bro. Fo' shizzle my nizzle!

Todd Packer:Jim, Jim, Jim. I gotta ask you something. Where'd you find this one? Because she is not your usual type at all.

Jim:What do you mean?

Todd Packer:I mean, either your judgment about women has drastically improved, or you got scared straight from your usual type.

Todd Packer:So what kind of entertainment did you get for the bachelor party? A stripper?

Michael:Well, no, actually. I didn't get a stripper.

Michael:For realsies, we're getting strippers!

Angela:Michael, you can't hire a stripper for the office. That's completely inappropriate.

Michael:Angela, Angela, Angela. That's exactly what you would say. But I've already made my decision, and the stripper is coming whether you like it or not.

Jim:So Pam was telling me about this new sleep thing she's been doing.

Pam:Yeah, it's called sleep hygiene. You're supposed to keep your bedroom cool and dark.

Jim:Right, right. That's... that's great. Really great stuff.

Pam:Are you okay?

Jim:What? Yeah! I'm fantastic! This has been such a great conversation about sleeping! Best day ever! Well, I'm gonna go do literally anything else now! See you never!

Michael:Okay Dwight, I need you to find us a stripper for the office party. She needs to have tats on her arms, tats on her legs, tats on her back.

Dwight:You want someone with tattoos?

Michael:No, no, no. Tats. Like the snack cracker things.

Dwight:Sir, I don't think that's—

Michael:Just find me a woman covered in Tater Tots, Dwight. It's not that complicated.

Dwight:Michael, that's... that's not a real service.

Dwight:Yes, hello, I need to book a dancer for a corporate event. It needs to be someone professional, discrete, and willing to sign an NDA.

Stripper Service Representative:*laughing*

Dwight:What? What is so funny?

Stripper Service Representative:*still laughing*

Dwight:I have secured an entertainment professional for the event.

Michael:Great! Where's the stripper?

Dwight:I hired an educational speaker on workplace safety and harassment prevention. It is far more valuable to this organization.

Michael:Dwight, that's not what we talked about.

Dwight:As Assistant Regional Manager, it is my responsibility to make decisions that benefit Dunder Mifflin, not cater to base desires.

Michael:Ben Franklin is one of the sexiest presidents.

Ben Franklin:I'm not a president.

Michael:Okay, well, you should be.

Michael:Yeah, I got a text. It was about the stripper. I'm like, 'Great, fantastic.' But honestly? I'm not that excited. I mean, come on, it's a stripper. It's not like she's gonna actually like me or anything.

Party Guest:Oh my God, what is he doing?

Ben Franklin:Behold, I shall now check my email on this cellular telephone device.

Party Guest:That's... that's not historically accurate at all.

Ben Franklin:I am aware. Nevertheless, I am committed to the bit.

Michael:Alright everyone, I've got some meat out back that I'd like to show you.

Dwight:That's what she said.

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa — Michael's got some really nice, thick, juicy meat back there.

Michael:Okay, you know what? I'm trying to do something nice here.

Karen:Are you still interested in Jim?

Pam:What? No! I mean, not... I don't know what you're asking me.

Roy:I'm not into strippers. I respect women. Pam's art is... it's really good. Really, really good. The way she... paints things. It's art. Good art. I appreciate it. As a man who respects women.

Bob Vance:Is that Tide? I use Tide. Vance Refrigeration uses Tide for our uniforms.

Stripper:Um, yes, it's Tide...

Bob Vance:Excellent choice. Cold water wash, I assume? You know, hot water breaks down the fibers. I could get you a bulk discount through my supplier.

Bob Vance:Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is completely inappropriate. I run a family business here. You need to leave right now.

Bob Vance:And I'm guessing you don't have a father figure at home, which explains a lot about your life choices.

Michael:You're gonna answer the phones, okay? Just sit at the front desk and answer the phones.

Stripper:But... I'm wearing clothes.

Michael:Yes. Yes, you are.

Stripper:This is very uncomfortable.

Michael:Ben Franklin kept secrets from his wife? That's not what I think of when I think of Ben Franklin. I think of a guy who invented electricity, flew a kite in a lightning storm, and was on the hundred dollar bill. But apparently he was also a liar. So... Ben Franklin was a liar. That's what I'm taking away from this.

Michael:So what do you think I should do about my relationship?

Stripper:Well, you know what they say: 'It takes two to tango.' 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' 'A penny saved is a penny earned.'

Michael:Wow, that's actually really wise.

Dwight:He leaves 1% doubt about whether this might actually be the historical Ben Franklin

Kelly:I can't believe I'm single. This is so unfair.

Ryan:Kelly, you were just dating someone last week.

Kelly:Exactly! And now I'm not. So you need to set me up. Do you know anyone? Anyone at all?

Ryan:I... no. I don't think—

Kelly:What about your friends? Your coworkers? Your family? Anyone? Ryan, I'm serious. I will literally date anyone right now.

Michael:You know, today really made me think. I learned a valuable lesson from an exotic dancer. She was so wise, so insightful. And then I realized—Ben Franklin was President, and he would have agreed with everything she said.