Beach Games

Michael's vague illness symptoms and Dwight's medical diagnosis attempts

About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.

Ooh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste? It's possible.

To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace? And Gromit.

Oh, you sigh like Jan.

I broke Jan's heart, David, and I feel awful. But you know what? Sometimes you just gots to get your freak on.

May God guide you in your quest.

I suggest that you all go potty now. And then we will be congregating on the par-tay bus.

Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume? I don't wear a Speedo, Michael. Well, you can't swim in leather pants.

Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going. It's beach day. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby.

I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck.

Hey... want my sunscreen? Oh, great. I forgot mine, and I'm wearing a two-piece. Thanks, Toby.

I want you to find out about people's character. You know, not their hotness, per se, but their humor and their charisma.

It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head.

I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities?

I have the most boring job in the office, so why wouldn't I have the most boring job on beach day?

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Oh, sweet mother of God.

If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus. Or the front of the bus, or drive the bus.

Funtivities!

Yes, funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.

Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm is turning people off.

Like what? Like everything I said, and everything they did. Just don't... Well, no. Write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures.

Rrrrr-rrrrr! I can't stay mad at you.

We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eight largest indigenous body of water.

One day, 14 strangers who work together... but only one survivor. What?! Just words... inspiring words.

Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy, and Stanley.

Pros: smart, cool, good looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour.

Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.

We will be called Gryffindor. Really? Not Slytherin? Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim. I know.

Okay, we will be Voldemort. He who must not be named? I wouldn't do that. Voldemort. Okay, seriously... Voldemort! Voldemort, Voldemort... You really shouldn't be say... Hey, hey, hey. Voldemort. Voldemort! Idiots!

I don't care what you call my team. Then I will name your team the red team. No, the blue team.

I am also considering Stanley, because of all the good that black people have done for America.

Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy, he gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am.

I don't want to hit the big rock. Don't worry, you're not... I know I'm near the big rock. I just know it. Nowhere near the big rock.

Come on, andale, arriba, arriba. You have to stop this right now, or I'm not gonna do this anymore.

Come on, mush! Mush! Come on, you bastard! What the... Damn it, temp!

How am I supposed to get... Thanks a bunch.

For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 1/2 hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so that each and every one of you could break that record.

Can I have a turkey burger? No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Turkey is a healthy meat.

I don't eat meat, Michael. I'm not gonna eat this.

The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world. Can we just take those first two things?

I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself.

And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs. Team U.S.A.! One came up. 13 hot dogs, everybody.

Did you say 'sandwich?' No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying... Sabotage... ...the ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.

I will misunderstand everything that Andy says, until he goes insane.

Oh, my God... I have never seen that look in a man's eyes ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day.

If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kind of looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.

Go tell somebody. What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them? Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously! I don't understand what you want from me.

Angela, it's pretty simple. Look at what I'm doing, and go tell somebody it! Sorry. Aah... Bye, Andy. Angela!

At various times, you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units.

Well, check to see if there's a conversion chart in that notebook. I really doubt it, Michael. Please just check.

Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well. 'In well?' As well. How would that work... in well? I just want to know. That would be fine. This job is in a well. I don't want it.

I'd like to try. Pointless. But I'm not kidding. Okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager.

Nope. Ju... why not? Come on. Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned. You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager. That's harsh.

My name is Andrew Bernard. I was with a group called Dunder-Mifflin. Hello?

Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on the George Foreman grill.

I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager! Wow. Dwight. Dwight. Aaah! Ow. Get off there. Get off, get off. Give me the job! I'm not going to give it to you.

Being a boss is also about image. I've never looked like that. That was gross.

Who's Bob Hope? God! He's a, he's a comedian. Oh, like Amanda Bynes. Who's Amanda Bynes? She's from What a Girl Wants. Oh, I love that movie.

Michael, on Thursday, I'm gonna drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York. Okay, that is not funny. I am deducting 60 points from Voldemort for false pretenses.

The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, 'Describe your act.' And the man says something really, really raunchy. And the talent representative says, 'What do you call yourselves?' And the man says, 'The Aristocrats.'

I did the coal walk. Just, I did it. Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss.

Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist.

Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just, like, weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford. And I really miss you.

I shouldn't have been with Roy. There were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding, but the truth is I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you.

And now you're with someone else. And that's fine. It's whatever... that's not what I'm... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt.

The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim, and to everyone else in the circle, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle.

Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.

Wilmaaaaaaaaaa!