The Job

David:What neighborhood were you in?

Michael:You know, just... the area.

David:Michael, corporate is in the middle of an office park in Connecticut.

Michael:Exactly. I was in Connecticut.

David:For what reason?

Michael:I... I was visiting a friend.

David:In an office park?

Michael:He works there. Different company.

Michael:I've got this interview in the bag. I'm a natural born leader, I've got charisma, I've got the whole package.

Michael:Pam? Yeah, hi. So, quick question. What was that interview date again?

Michael:Wait, today? I thought it was... Pam, why didn't you tell me I drove to New York?

Kevin:Hey, did you get a haircut?

Jim:Yeah, I did.

Kevin:You look worse.

Andy:Jim, I'm going to call you 'Hair Force One' from now on.

Jim:Karen said I needed a haircut to look presentable and not... homeless.

Pam:I'm not embarrassed about it.

Pam:It only took me three years to get the courage to say it.

Dwight:Wait, you want me to give this to Dwight K. Schrute?

Michael:Yes.

Dwight:But I am Dwight K. Schrute.

Michael:I know.

Dwight:Michael writes, 'Congratulations on your promotion. Your hard work and dedication have not gone unnoticed.' Well, of course they haven't. I make sure everyone knows about my accomplishments.

Dwight:'Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.' That's Spider-Man, Michael.

Dwight:'Also, I've always believed in you. Even when you failed. Especially then.' What does that even mean?

Dwight:'P.S. - Don't let it go to your head. Just kidding. Let it go to your head.' This is incoherent.

Michael:Okay, okay, hey, hey. Come on. No tears. You're a man. Men don't cry.

Dwight:I'm not crying.

Michael:Well, your eyes are leaking, so...

Karen:Yeah, so Pam went to the beach and had some deep moment about herself. That's great. I'm sure that will really help her become a better receptionist. Or whatever it is she's trying to be now.

Jim:Can you leave early? I want to go to New York.

Karen:I can't, I have all this paperwork to do.

Karen:Done.

Creed:If we're going to moon each other, we need to coordinate our schedules.

Jim:How do we even do that?

Creed:I've done it before. You just moon the guy behind you, then pull up next to the guy in front of you and moon him.

Jim:That doesn't solve the problem.

Creed:Sure it does. Everybody moons everybody. Problem solved.

Creed:Well, Karen's got the better bone structure, but Pam's got that thing where she looks like she'd be grateful. That's attractive.

Ryan:I created a fake blog to protect the world from Creed's thoughts.

Michael:I've already sold my condo. I'm moving to New York next month.

Kevin:Wait, you sold your condo? Before you even got the job?

Michael:Of course. I'm confident. Corporate is mine.

Angela:Michael, you don't have the job yet.

Michael:I know what I know.

Michael:I sold my condo on eBay. Got an incredible deal—lost $80,000 but I'm calling it a win because the listing had 47 views.

Dwight:When I'm your boss, you'll have to call me 'sir' or 'Mr. Schrute.' You'll eat lunch at your desk. You'll work weekends.

Jim:Okay, but will there be a mini-bar in my room?

Dwight:What? There's no rooms. You'll sleep under your desk.

Jim:So no continental breakfast?

Jim:Wait, if it's a hotel in hell, who's checking in? Demons? They already live there.

Dwight:That's... that's not the point, Jim.

Jim:No, I'm serious. What's your business model?

Dwight:Fine. I'm not just the owner. I'm co-owner. With Satan.

Jim:Oh, well that solves it.

Jim:So you're opening a bed and breakfast with Satan.

Dwight:I haven't revealed my Hell Hotel salary yet. It's amazing.

Dwight:Fifty-eight thousand a year.

Dwight:I need a number two. My ideal candidate would be a combination of Erwin Rommel, Abraham Lincoln, and Conan the Barbarian.

Dwight:The problem is that Conan is fictional. Second problem: Lincoln is dead. Third problem: Rommel is dead.

Michael:This is a code red situation. We are at Defcon 1. Actually, we're beyond Defcon 1. I'm declaring Defcon 0. Is that a thing? We need to nuke this from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Jan:Yeah, well maybe I was just screening your calls.

Michael:For how long?

Jan:Since about the third message.

Michael:She wants to get back together? That's it, we're going to Defcon 20.

Dwight:Michael, Defcon only goes down to 1.

Michael:I know that, Dwight. That's how serious this is.

Michael:You know what? You're right. I need to be strong. I need to stand up for myself and just tell Jan no.

Michael:But then I thought about it, and you know, I'm a grown man. And grown men do what they want. So I'm gonna call her.

Kevin:Whoa, did you see Jan? She looks like she got some work done.

Andy:Yeah, and it's fantastic!

Kevin:I'm not complaining.

Andy:Neither am I.

Creed:You know, I've been around a lot of women, and I can tell you something. Men don't care about that stuff. We just want them to be healthy. And by healthy, I mean they gotta have some meat on their bones. You ever see a bird? Skin and bones. Not attractive.

Creed:Swing low, sweet chariot... Swing high, sweet silicone.

Michael:I'm getting back together with Jan.

Michael:And before you say anything, no, it has nothing to do with the surgery. I'm making this decision completely on my own. It's what I want.

Pam:I just want Jim to be happy, you know? Even if it means he's not with me.

Pam:I know that's like, super cliche. The girl who just wants the guy to be happy. It's so... rom-com.

Pam:But then I realized I'm being cliche by pointing out that I'm being cliche, which is like, meta. Which is also cliche now.

Pam:And now I'm being cliche about being cliche about being cliche, and I can't stop, and that's probably the most cliche thing of all.

Pam:I yam what I yam.

Pam:Wait, did I just quote Popeye?

Dwight:If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Andy:Um, maybe a... oak? They're strong and—

Dwight:Wrong. The correct answer is a beet tree, because beets are the most superior plant and therefore the superior tree.

Andy:That's not... beet trees aren't—

Dwight:Next question. If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?

Andy:Oh! Um, maybe Lincoln? Or Churchill?

Dwight:Incorrect. The answer is me. I am the most interesting person alive. You should want to have dinner with me.

Andy:Right, yeah, that makes sense actually...

Andy:I'm a really good interviewer. I have a lot of experience interviewing people. When I'm interviewing someone, I like to use my brain... when it's advantageous.

Karen:We're throwing a congratulations party for Karen.

Michael:Wait, what did Karen do?

Karen:I'm Karen.

Michael:Right, but what did you accomplish?

Michael:Well, I took your advice, Pam. I told Jan we were done. But then she showed up at my condo in this black dress, and I realized... I couldn't leave those two things behind.

Michael:You know, my relationships have gotten progressively better. My first girlfriend, we had nothing in common. My second girlfriend, we actually liked each other. My third girlfriend, we were in love. And my current girlfriend? It's a complete mystery how we're together.

Jim:How often do you come to the UN?

Karen:Oh, I don't know, maybe once or twice a year? Honestly, I'm basically just a tourist at this point.

Jim:I saw Lorne Michaels at a bar last night!

Karen:No you didn't.

Karen:There's one too many people in Scranton for our relationship to work.

Jim:Oh, you're right. Kevin does eat a lot.

Michael:I can help you remember everyone's names. I know all kinds of inside knowledge about people.

Jim:Really? Like what?

Michael:Well, there's Ryan — he's the young one. Pam — she's the receptionist with the blonde hair. And Kevin — he's the big guy in accounting.

Jim:Michael, those are just... physical descriptions.

Michael:Exactly. Inside knowledge.

Michael:Jim and Karen are like child actors, you know, following their daddy to auditions. And I'm like Meryl Streep in this metaphor.

Dwight:Finally! Michael is gone. I am now the Regional Manager.

Dwight:This is my moment. This is my time to shine.

Michael:Hunter, I need you to give Jan a message for me. Tell her... tell her that her biopsy came back negative.

Hunter:Okay.

Michael:But use this code so she knows it's from me: 'The eagle has landed in the nest, but the eggs are still warm.'

Dwight:Assistant Regional Manager.

Pam:Wait, you're offering me the position of Assistant Regional Manager?

Dwight:Yes, that's correct.

Pam:I accept! Just kidding. I learned this move from Jim. You fall for it every time.

Jim:It's true. Classic Dwight.

David:So what would you say is your greatest strength?

Michael:Well, I'm a quick learner. I can pick up on things really fast. But my weakness is that I'm too quick to pick up on things, so sometimes I make snap judgments that turn out to be wrong. But that's also a strength because it means I'm decisive. And my weakness is that I'm too decisive, so sometimes I decide things too fast without thinking them through. But that's a strength because it means I'm confident. And my weakness is that I'm too confident, so sometimes I come across as arrogant. But that's also a strength because people respect confidence and people want to follow a confident leader. So really, my greatest strength is that I turn all my weaknesses into strengths, which is a weakness because it means I never actually improve, but that's a strength because I'm already perfect the way I am.

Dwight:I have created a new office reward system. I call it 'Schrute Bucks.' Employees can earn them through excellent work performance and outstanding dedication.

Jim:What's the exchange rate of Schrute Bucks to dollars?

Dwight:1,000 Schrute Bucks equals five cents.

Pam:Okay, so if 100 Schrute Bucks equals 5 cents, then your entire stack is worth about... 3 dollars.

Dwight:That's not... You can't just... Schrute Bucks are a sophisticated currency system based on a multi-tiered rewards structure!

Stanley:Schrute Bucks? That's funny. I'm starting my own currency. Stanley Nickels.

Dwight:Stanley Nickels? What's the conversion rate?

Stanley:The same as the ratio of Schrute Bucks to Yen.

Karen:He's an idiot. Like, a real idiot. Not like a regular person who does dumb things. He's like, fundamentally an idiot. It's like his brain just doesn't work right.

Jan:You know what? I'm done. I'm completely done with this company, with this job, with all of you!

Michael:Wow, okay. Well, I think we're all just going to take a step back here and remember that Jan is speaking for herself right now, not for me. I have nothing to do with this.

Dwight:I had this wall painted black. It's like staring into the abyss. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Andy:That's awesome!

Michael:You know what? I'm withdrawing my name from consideration.

Michael:Yeah, I've decided to stay here at Dunder Mifflin. It's where I belong.

Michael:We're in agreement on this. You wanted me to stay, and I want to stay. It's perfect.

Karen:Oh my God, is she okay?

Jim:I think so.

Karen:That was... actually kind of sad.

Karen:But also, she's crazy.

Michael:I can't back out of this condo sale. My eBay seller rating would take a huge hit.

Michael:I'm never leaving this office. This is it for me. I'm going to die here. Actually, no—I'm going to live here, work here, sleep here, and then when I'm old and gray, I'll just sit in my chair and slowly turn to dust. And when I'm nothing but bones, they'll sweep me into a little pile and throw me in the graveyard for my bones.

Pam:I mean, I'm looking for my own Karen someday. You know, like a guy version of Karen.

Pam:I'm not gay.

David:You're smart, you're handsome, you're funny. So why are you working here?

Jim:Well, I... I don't know. Why am I working here?

Karen:So you're staying? For her?

Jim:Yeah.

Karen:We're done.