Fun Run

Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk. It's soy.

This is why I do it. That's what I have to come home to.

What kind of celebrity? It's not relevant. How much did you pay for it? Not relevant. You paid for it? It all happened so fast.

Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile.

I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could and she is going to be okay.

What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?

She has a slight pelvical fracture, but people have survived far worse.

I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

Who was driving? [silence] Oh, Michael.

One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.

It's only Meredith. Yeah. It's only Meredith. Thank God.

Was she talking back? Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?

There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques...

So, who is the real boss, the dog or a fish?

It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.

I don't think you understand how jeopardy works. Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is 'We're fine'?

Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine? Sure. I have to visit the alkie.

Roll the insulin in your hands. Don't shake it... Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine... there's a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail...

Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes, I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

She looks like an angel. She looks awful. No? Okay, she always looks like that.

Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? OxyContin? Palladone? What? I have no idea.

Forgiveness is next to godliness.

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Any problems? Well, you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.

So... Hey, come on, don't be sad. Just... Okay? Just... She's in a better place. All right. Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer because of the odor.

Prinkles! God... That's three things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed.

I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.

I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

Well, if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion, then I'm Sikh. But I also like hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.

As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days.

Your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago? Yes. Dwight, here, trapped it in a bag against my head.

Maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to, like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion.

But it may make you feel a little bit better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.

Thanks to me, she went to the hospital and that saved her life.

Is there a God? If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?

I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J. Pam Beasley and Jim.

Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be.

A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car to learn that she may have rabies, but that is where we are in America.

Well, back in olden times, a large, fat person like this was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, a person of respect, like the regional manager of the day.

I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it is a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So they become more sensitive, so they chafe more.

When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her. But all my bags of frozen French fries had been clawed to shreds.

What's your strategy for this race? Well, I'm going to start fast. Then I'm going to run fast in the middle. Then I'm going to end fast. Why won't more people do that? 'Cause they're stupid.

Right. ...we're dating. Wow! There it is. Yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great.

Bat birth control? Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right, Michael?

Have you met that kid? Not going to college.

So I closed the door but the image of his... Baguette? ...dangling participle still burned in my eyes.

They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on or a funny coat.

Myth: three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: four Americans every year die from rabies.

I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot.

Excellent! Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-Lax?

You did kill her? I sang her her favorite songs. You put her in my freezer. It was beautiful and gentle and respectful.

Cat heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.

I know you, Michael. I saw you naked. You don't... You don't know me. You've just seen my penis.

And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. I'm very, very proud of that.