Dunder Mifflin Infinity

Michael:You don't want chips? What do you mean you don't want chips? Everybody wants chips. Chips are... chips are amazing. They're crispy, they're salty, they're... they're perfect. And you're just gonna sit there and say no? That's insane. That's crazy. You're crazy.

Toby:We've been getting some complaints about PDA in the workplace.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. If this is about me and Holly, we are very professional. We barely touch at work.

Michael:I mean, sure, sometimes we'll hold hands under the conference table, or I'll brush up against her when we're filing, but that's it.

Michael:And anything that happens outside of work is between me and her. I'm not going to kiss and tell.

Toby:I would never do that. I'm a professional.

Andy:Oh my God! Jim and Pam?! That's... that's amazing! Halpert and Beesly, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Oh man, Tuna's gonna be so happy!

Jim:What, you think Toby did this on purpose? Like, as a congratulations to us?

Jim:Yeah, I'm sure he stayed up all night planning how to expose our relationship. That's so thoughtful of him.

Michael:Jim, Pam, I have an announcement to make. You two are becoming one. You're merging. It's a beautiful thing.

Jim:We've been dating for like three months.

Michael:That's the phone.

Pam:Do you want me to get it?

Michael:No, no. Listen to that. Those bells chiming out love. That's the sound of this office, Pam. That's the sound of family.

Michael:I'm not just happy, I'm like an eagle in its nest. Just soaring... nesting... I'm doing both at the same time.

Angela:Well, I think it's great that Jim and Pam found each other. Two people can bond over their shared lack of... standards.

Kevin:Wait, Jim's not single anymore? That means I'm the best looking single guy here now.

Jim:How do you straighten that out?

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:You see, Jim, a good 'That's what she said' joke needs the right setup. For instance, if someone says 'I'm having trouble blowing up this balloon,' that's a natural setup.

Jim:Michael, that's... that's actually not that natural.

Michael:No, no, think about it. You're at a birthday party, someone's struggling with a balloon, and boom — 'That's what she said.' It's perfect.

Michael:My condo is gonna be awesome. I'm gonna have the best shower curtain, I'm gonna get the finest ice cream, the rarest ice cream, like... I'm gonna have a bidet. I'm gonna get the best condo.

Dwight:Angela, I know I can never replace Sprinkles, but I found this cat and I think he could fill the void in your heart.

Angela:Dwight, what is that?

Dwight:His name is Garbage.

Angela:Absolutely not.

Dwight:He's a very good cat. He only bites when provoked.

Dwight:I've named him Garbage. Because he eats garbage. And I love him.

Dwight:This cat has killed more raccoons than any cat in the tri-county area. That's a selling point.

Pam:It's not casual. Jim and I are very serious.

Toby:Well, you'll need to fill out form 27-B for any officially recognized relationship status changes.

Jim:So we just fill this out and we're good?

Toby:Not exactly. I'd recommend you, uh, wait and see how things develop first. Relationships are unpredictable.

Jim:We've been together for years.

Toby:Still. You never know. Better to be cautious.

Michael:Ryan! Oh my God, look at you! You've got a beard now. That's... that's a bold choice. Very lumbersexual. Very... outdoorsy. You look like you're about to tell me about some artisanal coffee or take me on a spiritual journey. I like it though, I really do. It's different. It says 'I have a life outside of the office.' Which is great, because apparently you had nowhere else to go.

Michael:You know what? You and Dwight look like you just stepped out of Miami Vice. You've got that whole thing going on — the stubble, the intensity. All you need is a Ferrari and a cocaine problem and you'd be Sonny Crockett.

Jim:Wait, why do you call him 'fire guy'?

Michael:Because he set a fire. In the office. He's a temp, and he set a fire.

Jim:Oh my God.

Andy:It was actually pretty bad.

Michael:Ryan, you're like a phoenix that's also a turtle. You move forward by going backward, but also sideways. You're a very mature... child-man. A man-child, but not in a bad way. You're like a wise baby. An old teenager. You're simultaneously the youngest old person I've ever met and the oldest young person.

Ryan:I want to be treated like Jan.

Michael:That's not gonna happen.

Michael:Ryan, I respect what you're doing here. You're trying to establish yourself as a leader. That's great. That's really great.

Michael:You know what? I'm gonna make you my assistant regional manager.

Ryan:I'm already the temp.

Michael:Exactly. You're ready for the next step. This is a big promotion.

Michael:I'm not going to let Ryan treat me like that. So I went home and I practiced what I was going to say to him the next day.

Michael:Ryan, you know what? I'm the Regional Manager here, and I think you owe me an apology.

Ryan:You're right, Michael. I'm sorry. You've been nothing but good to me.

Michael:I know I have. And another thing—

Ryan:Michael, you're the best boss I've ever had. You're like a father to me.

Michael:I know.

Michael:And that's when he said all that stuff.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Why do we need a new website? Our website is fine.

Ryan:Michael, it's from 2003.

Michael:Exactly. It's a classic.

Ryan:Everyone will be required to carry a company BlackBerry.

Dwight:No. I don't like it. It's too small, and it hurts my hands.

Kevin:What if we smoosh them together? Dunder-Mifflin-finity. No wait, Dunderfinity. Dunder... Miflin... Infinty. Dundermifflinfinty.

Stanley:You know what the real problem is? Age discrimination. I'm 62 years old, and nobody wants to hire me.

Michael:Stanley, that's not true. Age is just a number.

Stanley:A number that apparently matters a lot.

Michael:Look, I'm not old. I'm... I'm in my prime. I could run a marathon right now if I wanted to.

Michael:I have incredible stamina. People tell me I look like I'm in my thirties.

Michael:And even if I was old, which I'm not, 40 is the cutoff. Anything under 40, you're still young.

Stanley:Ryan is a temp. He's very dangerous. He could hurt Pam, he could hurt Erin, he could hurt the chick you hit with the car.

Michael:I have a secret that will blow your mind.

Jim:Okay, what is it?

Michael:Pam and I... we've been secretly dating.

Jim:Yeah, we all knew that.

Michael:I know something about Dwight and Angela that nobody else knows.

Jim:Oh really? Because I've known about that for like two years.

Michael:Jim, you've been keeping secrets from me? That's not what we do here. We're a family.

Jim:Michael, you knew about it the whole time. You kept the secret too.

Michael:Oh. Well... that's different. I was keeping it for a good reason.

Ryan:You can't date someone from work. It's unprofessional.

Pam:Says the guy who's slept with half the office.

Ryan:That's different. I'm in sales.

Pam:Yeah, and apparently you're selling yourself. Who are you sleeping with this week?

Jim:Yeah, I'm not surprised. That's very Ryan.

Ryan:Things are going to change around here. And not everyone is going to like it. But that's the price of progress.

Michael:You know, it's like when you have a foreign exchange student living with you, and you really like them, you give them your best jeans, and then one day they just leave and take your jeans with them. That's what Ryan did to me.

Kelly:I'm dating three guys right now. I'm not like, exclusive or anything.

Ryan:Really?

Kelly:Yeah. There's Raj, who's a Pisces. There's Todd, who's also a Pisces. And there's this guy Kumar who's... I think a Gemini? But he's Indian, so it balances out the whole Pisces thing.

Ryan:That's not how any of this works.

Phyllis:I've been trying to figure out this Blackberry all week.

Stanley:I didn't even try.

Ryan:I've been faithful to you, Kelly. I've never cheated.

Kelly:Well, I'm pregnant.

Kelly:Oh my God, are you taking me out to dinner? This is so romantic! We're having a baby and now you're sweeping me off my feet with a nice meal. I'm like, so in love with you right now.

Dwight:Angela, I would like to prepare an elaborate five-course meal for you this evening. I have already selected the wines and designed a menu around seasonal ingredients from my beet farm.

Angela:That's very thoughtful, Dwight, but I'd prefer to go out to a restaurant instead.

Dwight:A restaurant? But my cooking is exceptional. I have trained under the finest culinary minds in the tri-state area.

Angela:I'm sure you have, but I'd really feel more comfortable in a public setting.

Ryan:Jan, I know we're very similar. We both have ambition, we're both intelligent, we both make terrible decisions in our personal lives...

Jan:Where is this going?

Ryan:And we both deserve the same salary.

Jim:Wait, is there any radiation from the BlackBerry that could affect... you know, sperm health? For future children?

Pam:I don't think so.

Jim:Because I want to have kids someday.

Pam:I know you do.

Ryan:Hey Creed, how are you holding up after that age discrimination speech?

Creed:Great! Actually, I'm turning 30 next month.

Ryan:Creed, you're not turning 30.

Creed:Not with that attitude.

Michael:I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Ryan:I did.

Michael:Why does society hate old people?

Kevin:Because they're lame.

Michael:That's not... that's a fair point, actually.

Michael:You know, people say that old people are useless, but that's not true. I mean, look at the old lady from Titanic. She told that whole story for like three hours. That's leadership.

Michael:And there's that ancient Wendy's lady, 'Where's the beef?' She's still iconic. That's branding.

Michael:Robert Dunder, founder of Dunder Mifflin. Still kicking. Not dead yet. Probably will be soon though, right? I mean, look at him. He's ancient. But hey, that's not a reason to discriminate against someone in the workplace. Age is just a number. A really high number in his case.

Michael:Hey, hey, hey! You can't leave! Robert, sit down. Sit down. I'm not done with you yet. You think you can just waltz into my office, into my conference room, and disrespect me? I will destroy you. I will go to the mat with you. I will take you down to the ground, and I will beat you senseless. I will rip off your arm and beat you with it. And then I'll use your ancient butt as a battering ram to knock down the walls of this building.

Dwight:My grandparents lived well into their 90s. My grandfather was particularly hardy. He could withstand extreme conditions.

Dwight:I was planning a trip to Argentina, but it got blocked by the Holocaust Foundation. Apparently they have some concerns about my family history.

Robert Dunder:We founded this company back in 1949. My partner and I had a vision to revolutionize the paper industry. He killed himself in '52, but anyway, we really took off after that.

Michael:And that concludes my presentation on ageism in the workplace. Now, I know some of you may have heard the phrase 'break a leg' before. Well, if you actually break someone's leg, that's assault. You will go to jail. So don't do that.

Ryan:I was thinking we could go to that new French restaurant downtown. It's supposed to be amazing.

Kelly:Oh my god, yes! I love French food. Wait... actually, I'm feeling really nauseous. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Dwight:So, Angela, I've prepared a seven-course meal. Each course is dry, yet delicious.

Angela:Dry? That doesn't sound appetizing.

Dwight:Well, that's because you lack refinement. Dry is a delicacy among those with sophisticated palates.

Angela:I have a sophisticated palate, Dwight.

Dwight:Then you'll appreciate the subtle notes of desiccation in this braised beet. Dry, yet delicious.

Dwight:Angela, I was wondering if you'd like to go out for dinner sometime. You know, as friends.

Angela:Dwight, are you asking me on a date?

Dwight:No, no. I said as friends. Two friends, eating food together in a restaurant.

Angela:So you're asking me to go out with you.

Dwight:Yes. But as friends.

Angela:I can't be with you, Dwight. We're just too different. You're obsessed with beets and martial arts, and I have standards.

Dwight:Angela, you're using classic objection handling. Let me reframe this. Beets are a renewable resource, much like your capacity for love. And martial arts teaches discipline, which I apply to our relationship. By closing this sale, we both win.

Angela:That's not how this works.

Dwight:It always works. ABC: Always Be Closing.

Angela:I'm breaking up with you, Dwight.

Dwight:What? Why?

Angela:It's not working anymore.

Dwight:We can work through this.

Angela:I'm leaving your toothbrush on the desk by the copy machine.

Michael:You know what? Gift basket notes are the original instant message. You write it, you put it in a basket, boom, instant communication.

Ryan:You lied about being pregnant? What is wrong with you?

Kelly:What? Why is that wrong? I was just trying to make you jealous so you'd pay attention to me.

Ryan:Because you can't just lie about being pregnant!

Kelly:Why not? Lots of people do it.

Ryan:No they don't!

Kelly:Well I don't know, Ryan. I'm not a scientist.

Kevin:Did going public kill the romance?

Jim:No, no, we still have plenty of romance.

Pam:Yeah, we do things.

Jim:We hold hands...

Pam:We kiss...

Jim:Sometimes we do both at the same time.

Pam:It's repulsive.

Michael:You know, I've always believed that obstacles are just opportunities in disguise. I was the biggest kid in second grade, and everyone thought it was because I was so strong, so athletic. But the truth is, I was held back. I hated second grade. Hated it. But you know what? That made me who I am today.

Michael:A gift basket is the ultimate gift. It's thoughtful, it's generous, and it says 'I care.'

Stanley:That's ridiculous. Cash is the ultimate gift. You can buy whatever you want.

Dwight:You're both wrong. The ultimate gift is a gift basket... filled with cash.

Ryan:Brah, you gotta ride the bull, later skater.

Michael:Dwight, why won't you use the GPS in your car?

Dwight:GPS is a government tracking device. They can see everywhere I go. I've disabled mine.

Michael:Dwight, no one cares where you go.

Dwight:That's what you think. The government, the NSA, the CIA, the KGB, my ex-girlfriends...

Ryan:So I'm at this party, right? And Vince Vaughn walks up to me. Just walks right up.

Ryan:And I'm like, 'You're Vince Vaughn.' And he goes, 'Yeah.' So I quote Swingers back at him: 'You're so money and you don't even know it.'

Ryan:He just stared at me. Didn't laugh or anything.

Andy:That's because he didn't write Swingers, Ryan. Jon Favreau wrote and starred in it.

Ryan:Well, Vince Vaughn was in it.

Andy:Yeah, but you basically just quoted another guy's movie to the guy who was in the movie. That's not impressive.

Andy:Ryan is awesome because he's got this energy, you know? And he's so smart. Like, really smart. But not in an annoying way. He's got great hair. Like, really great hair. The kind of hair that just catches the light perfectly. And his shirts are made of this really nice fabric. Like, rich guy cloth.

Michael:Listen here, you stupid—

Pam:[cuts him off]

Pam:I'm really getting into graphic design. I've been studying composition, kerning, negative space... I don't actually know what any of those words mean, but they sound really professional when I say them.

Michael:Come on, just give us another chance. We can do better.

Client:I don't know, Michael. You guys really let us down.

Dwight:With all due respect, they're right. Your service was subpar at best.

Michael:Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight:Being honest, sir. It's what you always say we should be.

GPS:Turn right ahead.

Michael:Okay, GPS says turn right.

Dwight:Michael, that's a lake.

Michael:The GPS knows what it's doing, Dwight. I trust it.

Michael:It's never steered me wrong before.

Michael:Don't go in the water! I'm warning you, nature is unpredictable!

Dwight:Michael, I have extensive survival training. I can handle this.

GPS:In 500 feet, turn right.

Dwight:I'm going in.

GPS:In 50 feet, turn right into the lake.

Ryan:So I was thinking, maybe we could grab dinner sometime? You know, to discuss... business stuff.

Pam:Oh. Um, sure, that sounds nice.

Ryan:Great. And, uh, wear something nice.

Pam:Oh. Oh no. Ryan, I can't. I'm with Jim.

Michael:We're not leaving until we get that gift basket back.

Client:I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen.

Michael:Oh, okay. Well then, I guess we'll just have to stay here and drip.

Dwight:That's right. Drip all over your furniture.

Michael:Yeah. This couch? Very absorbent. We could be here for hours.

Client:Fine! Fine, take the basket!

Michael:Where are the chocolate turtles? They were a gift for our most important client.

Client:I... I don't know what you're talking about.

Michael:Really? Because according to my notes, you were the last person to see them. And frankly, your story doesn't add up.

Client:Okay, fine! I ate them! I ate all of them! I couldn't help myself! They were just sitting there, looking at me with their little turtle faces!

Michael:I don't trust technology. It's unreliable and dangerous.

Michael:Last week my GPS told me to drive into a lake. I did it.

Michael:Drove right in. Had to be towed out by a farmer with a tractor.

Michael:You know what? I'm not anti-technology. I'm pro-Michael. And Michael doesn't need a smartphone to be smart. Michael's already got game. In fact, Michael's got such game, I could play tennis with a blackberry and still win. Love-love, Michael Scott.

Michael:You know, I've been thinking about technology a lot lately. And I've come to a conclusion.

Michael:Computers are trying to murder you in lakes.