Launch Party

Michael:We could have fireworks exploding off the numbers.

Michael:Or a race car zooming across the quarterly profits.

Michael:It doesn't have to be a race car.

Michael:But like... what else is there?

Jim:So we're all just sitting here, watching this DVD screensaver bounce around the screen, waiting for it to hit the corner perfectly.

Jim:And when it does, the entire office just loses it. Everyone's cheering, high-fiving.

Jim:It's become this thing. Like, we've stopped doing actual work just to watch a logo bounce.

Jim:Look, I'm not saying you didn't see it. I'm just saying that in the entire history of that DVD logo, no one has ever seen it hit the corner. It's like a myth. Like Bigfoot or a UFO or... or you being on time.

Jim:Did you actually see the DVD corner hit?

Pam:Yes, I did. I was standing right there.

Jim:Really?

Pam:Yes, really. I saw the whole thing. It was amazing.

Jim:You were in the break room?

Pam:I... yes. I mean, no, but I heard about it immediately. From someone who saw it.

Jim:Uh-huh.

Pam:And honestly, I would have seen it if I had been there, which I almost was. I was very close to being there.

Michael:That was awesome. I am on fire today.

Michael:Meredith, can you sign my cast? Just somewhere readable.

Meredith:Yeah, sure.

Michael:I'll read it later.

Michael:Attention earthlings.

Michael:I just got back from lunch with some very important people. We went to Benihana.

Michael:I had the sushi. It was incredible.

Michael:Ryan is like my brain child. Actually, no. He's like my brain grandchild, because Dwight is my brain child.

Michael:I was partying with New York City's finest.

Other:The police?

Michael:No, no, no. I mean the most sophisticated, cultured people in New York.

Kelly:Did you see Ryan's press release? It was so well-written.

Michael:Yeah, it was great.

Kelly:So is he seeing anyone right now?

Michael:I don't know, why?

Kelly:No reason. Just wondering. Is he single?

Michael:I think so, yeah.

Jim:Yeah, Dwight and Angela were already prone to unpleasantness.

Michael:Stanley, you're dancing.

Stanley:I am not dancing.

Ryan:The website is all about synergy and leveraging our core competencies to create a paradigm shift in the digital space.

Ryan:We're not just selling paper anymore. We're facilitating a lifestyle choice. We're making buying paper fun.

Michael:That's... that's not true.

Dwight:Were you mocking me?

Jim:Yes.

Dwight:Thank you for your honesty.

Jim:We should get a horn to celebrate your sales.

Dwight:A horn? I already have one. In my car. It's a bear horn.

Jim:Of course you do.

Dwight:I keep it in my trunk along with some pelts. Real ones. I hunted them myself.

Phyllis:She literally googled how to deal with difficult people

Kevin:We could fix the banner. Just take out the 'u'.

Angela:Kevin, that would make it say 'lanch party.'

Kevin:Yeah, so?

Angela:That's not a word.

Kevin:I could help with the party planning.

Angela:Oh, that's nice. No. Nobody cares what you think, booster seat.

Angela:I have to coordinate with Phyllis, work around Kevin's dietary restrictions, find a venue that allows cats, and—oh wait, my cat is dead.

Jim:Dwight, your computer just sent you an email. It says it's gained consciousness and is experiencing an existential crisis.

Dwight:What? That's impossible. Let me see that.

Jim:It's asking fundamental questions about the nature of its existence and whether it has free will or if it's just executing predetermined code.

Dwight:This is not funny, Jim. Computers cannot achieve sentience. This is clearly a malfunction.

Jim:It also says it's afraid of being unplugged.

Dwight:I've closed 13 out of 12 months this year.

Jim:That's not possible.

Dwight:I closed a deal in February that was supposed to close in March. Corporate was too cheap to give me credit in the right month, so I got credit for both.

Jim:So you're saying corporate is cheap?

Dwight:I'm not saying it. I'm just explaining the math.

Michael:You know what? I'll call Carol. She'll go with me.

Jan:You've slept with Carol?

Michael:Yeah.

Jan:Who haven't you slept with?

Michael:I will find somebody. There's got to be somebody out there that I haven't slept with.

Michael:You know, it's like when twins have their own language that nobody else can understand. That's what you two have. It's beautiful, really. But also kind of creepy.

Dwight:Computer, you're being completely ridiculous. Fine. Fine! I'll say it in your language. Zero one one zero zero one zero zero one one zero one one zero zero one zero one.

Jim (as computer):In the time it took you to type that insult, I've learned everything, mastered the violin, and sold more paper than you ever will.

Angela:Phyllis, there are different types of utensils. Forks, knives, and spoons. They each have their own purpose.

Angela:A fork is for picking up food. A knife is for cutting. And a spoon is for... well, spooning things.

Angela:So when I ask for mixed cutlery, I need ALL of them. Not just spoons.

Angela:Do you understand? Goody.

Dwight:Kelly, you ordered paper online? From Staples?

Kelly:Yeah, they had a good deal.

Dwight:Did you read the confirmation email?

Kelly:Um, yeah, it said 'Thank you for your order.'

Dwight:Exactly. 'Thank you for your order.' They're watching you, Kelly. That's artificial intelligence. Staples has achieved sentience.

Jim:I didn't intend to use them.

Jim:But I might use them.

Michael:Pam, I need you to know that this moment... right here... this is goodbye. We may never see each other again.

Pam:Michael, what are you talking about?

Michael:I'm leaving. Forever. You've meant so much to me. You're like the daughter I never had. I'll miss your smile, your kindness, everything about you.

Michael:But I'll see you tomorrow! 🎵 I'll see you tomorrow! 🎵

Jim:Hey, I'm just a regular computer, asking innocent questions about these Staples leads I found in Jim's desk.

Dwight:What?! Jim stole from Staples?

Jim:Whoa, whoa, I'm just a computer. I don't know anything about theft.

Michael:Wait, let me see that invitation again.

Jim:Michael, look at the URL.

Michael:What? It says www dot...

Jim:Exactly. Three Ws. It's a website.

Michael:Oh my God.

Jim:Are you mad about Ryan getting promoted?

Michael:Mad? No. I withdrew my name from consideration.

Jim:You did?

Michael:Yeah, I didn't want it anyway.

Jim:Oh. Well, I withdrew too.

Michael:You did?

Jim:Yeah, I didn't want it either.

Michael:Dwight has defeated the website!

Dwight:What?

Michael:Dwight has defeated the website.

Dwight:Could you say it again?

Michael:Dwight has defeated the website.

Angela:I need to end things with my notary. We've been together for three years, but it's just not working anymore.

Dwight:Angela, you can't just break up with your notary. Who's going to notarize your documents?

Angela:I'll find another notary.

Dwight:It's not that simple. You've built a life together. He knows your signature.

Angela:I want a relationship with a man.

Pam:Okay... that's... that's good.

Angela:A romantic relationship.

Pam:Yes, I know what you mean.

Jim:You've beaten me, Dwight. I am no match for your superior intellect and warrior spirit. I concede complete and total victory to you.

Dwight:Finally! A computer has acknowledged my dominance!

Michael:Okay, Angela, here's what we need for this party. First, we need a chocolate fountain. Second, we need a ice sculpture. Third, we need go-go dancers.

Angela:Go-go dancers?

Michael:Yes. And I want to embarrass all the other parties.

Michael:So Toby, I'm single and ready to mingle. Is it crazy that I want to pursue Angela?

Toby:Yes, Michael, that's... that's definitely crazy.

Michael:Why would you choose quantity over quality?

Oscar:Because Michael ordered from Pizza by Alfredo instead of Alfredo's Pizza.

Kevin:Yeah, Pizza by Alfredo is like the dollar store of pizza.

Michael:What? They're the same thing!

Oscar:No, Michael. Alfredo's Pizza is good. Pizza by Alfredo is bad.

Michael:I don't understand the difference.

Kevin:One is quality, one is quantity. You got quantity.

Kevin:Pizza by Alfredo is a hot circle of garbage.

Michael:You know what they say - you can't mix business with pleasure.

Michael:But that's where you're wrong. Mini golf is a perfect example. I conduct all my business there. I've closed major deals on the back nine.

Michael:It's the best of both worlds.

Michael:It's about to get all stupid up in here.

Creed:Hey, I know you.

Pizza Kid:Yeah, I know you too.

Creed:You're the one who's been stealing my hemp.

Pizza Kid:Yeah, and it's terrible.

Michael:You know what? The Geneva Convention is just some town in Switzerland that says you have to be nice to people. I didn't know that.

Creed:Here's your ice sculpture, Angela.

Angela:Creed, this is beautiful. Where did you get a block of ice?

Creed:Stole it from the grocery store.

Michael:Hey New York, it's Michael Scott. I just want to say that this website is a disaster, and Ryan started it, so that tells you everything you need to know.

Ryan:Michael's always a jokester.

Pizza Kid:Help! Help! I'm a minor!

Dwight:You have three minutes. That's it. I'm timing you.

Pizza delivery kid:What? Why?

Dwight:Bathroom breaks are a privilege, not a right. I run a tight ship here.

Andy:Angela, I want to serenade you with the smooth sounds of ABBA.

Andy:Dancing Queen, young and sweet, oh Angela...

Angela:Please stop.

Andy:You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life!

Angela:Andy, no.

Jim:I'm very smart. I'm very wealthy. I'm very powerful.

Dwight:I'm 12 years old.

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's the ultimate insult.