Weight Loss

This is your last meal. So eat up.

From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.

I'm taking the dumplings for my wife. / No, no, no! This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.

I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Ex-squeeze me. / No, I will ex-squeeze you.

Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.

Pam-cake, no, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose.

Pam, you weigh 226 pounds? / Almost, Kevin. / Not almost though, Holly. I mean, not-- not close to 200.

Math is hard.

All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of diet coke. / Really? / Yeah. / 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.

I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is I have lost a little of my speed. A little of my fire.

Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.

Jimbo. / Ah, they moved the shower. / Did you see Holly's butt? / Nope, I didn't.

Because most of the time friends don't talk about other friends' butts.

And that her butt refuses to quit!

That's insane. I thought you had to pee. / I'll just go later.

Actually, I'm a lesbian. / I'm gay. / I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that. Stupid joke.

Oh, you think it's a choice?

I'm messing with you, Holly. / I knew that. Okay, bye.

I will be a little fish in the big apple. What up, 212?

It's not gonna take her ten minutes to fax it, Jim.

Ang... Ela. Ela ela ela under my angerela ela ela ela eh eh eh--

Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.

No, no. This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.

Oh, we done good in there, half-pint. / Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.

I wrote you a good-bye poem. It's really long. I left it... Up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?

The last word is 'seagulls.' / I'm sure it was really lovely. / I took a lot from other poems.

Something about a guy who used to work here.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.

I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot she's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best

I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years. And eventually declare my love for her.

Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery.

You're shaking. Are you all right? / Just leave me alone! I am on the third day of my cleanse diet.

I just bought some bikinis online, size two. So... Gonna look amazing

You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil? / Cool. / Thank god they found her too. / Oh, they found her?

When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father... By telling us that he was the father.

Yes, she is. And clinically insane.

No! You do not talk to him like that! / But he's an idiot! / He is not an idiot. / Thank you, Holly. / He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.

Do you think that I'm retarded?

Dangerous, tacky, sharks, haunted-- no.

I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night.

I'm gonna watch HGTV, and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.

We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful. A beam of light in this dark, dark office. / Not really so much.

The nerve. / Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo!

I was at the hospital. I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.

I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Shotgun weddings. / That's not what that is. / Fright. Being scared to death.

Cryogenics. Spare me five.

I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.

All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

Stanley, now all I like is baklava.

Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.

I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me, and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico. / That wasn't a tapeworm.

I'm keeping a list of everyone who wrongs me, so when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.

I've even started, um, volunteering. Giving back to the community. / That's great. / You're talking about your court-ordered community service? / I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. / But he did, right?

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.

I wanted to say I'm sorry for treating you bad the past couple of years. I-- I was in my mid-twenties, and... I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never really processed 9/11.

Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! / You left me in a bad part of town. / Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about?

This big fat pig is beautiful.

Fat people are not monsters. / Bang, boom! Case in point.

Hell of an ass.

I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.

Shaved off my goatee. I am goatee-less. We are the goat-less brothers. / Yeah, yep!

I'm gonna write you both up for not working. / I'm gonna write you up for not working. / Okay. Well played. / Neither of us will write the other up for not working.

Pam, will you marry me? / Oh, my god! / So? / Yes!

I went zip-lining my third day in Costa Rica. I... Guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And... I've been in the hospital five weeks now. Still haven't seen the beach.