Business Ethics

Pam:Why hasn't anyone congratulated me on my engagement?

Jim:Because I never told them.

Angela:Wait, I thought Pam was engaged to Roy?

Jim:Thank you, Angela.

Phyllis:Oh, Pam! That's wonderful! Congratulations!

Phyllis:But wait... do I have to get you a wedding gift?

Andy:Jim, when were you planning on telling me about the engagement?

Jim:I was going to tell you, Andy. It just happened.

Andy:Well, I hope you at least got her something nice. Because let me tell you, Pam's got some pretty high standards when it comes to jewelry... and other things.

Holly:Okay, listen up. I need complete silence. No talking, no phone calls, no texting. This is serious business and I will not tolerate any interruptions whatsoever.

Holly:Actually, you know what? If you need to take a call, that's fine. Totally fine. I'm very flexible. And if you want to text, go ahead. I won't even notice.

Holly:This meeting is going to be insane.

Holly:I just have to read from this binder.

Michael:I'm not gonna crack. I'm gonna get a little naughty. I'm gonna get a little physical. I mean ethical. I'm gonna get a little ethical.

Michael:I'm helping Holly because I care about her. Plus, if I help her now, she'll owe me a favor. And favors are like currency in the workplace. Especially if that favor involves her being alone in my office after hours.

Kevin:Wait, who got hired?

Holly:No, Kevin, fired. Someone was fired.

Kevin:Oh. Who got fired?

Holly:I can't say.

Kevin:Was it Ryan?

Holly:I really can't say.

Kevin:It was Ryan. I'm happy for him.

Creed:That's true. I was hired.

Ryan:I've been thinking a lot about my past mistakes and how I've hurt people. I want to make amends and be a better person.

Ryan:But honestly, last weekend I hooked up with this girl who looked exactly like a Survivor contestant. It was amazing.

Holly:On question 7, the answer is not 'all of the above.'

Kevin:But the scale goes from 1 to 10. I gave it a 9.

Holly:That's not what this question is asking.

Kevin:Well, if the scale only went to 5, I would have given it a 4.5.

Michael:I totally agree with you. You're totally right. That's a totally valid point.

Holly:Can you give me some examples of time-wasting activities?

Jim:Well, this meeting is a pretty good example.

Michael:That's what she said.

Stanley:If you don't give me my smoking breaks, I'm going to start smoking in the office.

Phyllis:You can't do that, Stanley. It's against company policy.

Stanley:Then I guess I'll have to smoke even more.

Meredith:I've got cigars in my desk if you need them.

Michael:You know what makes meetings successful? It's not the content, it's the people. And you know what makes people successful? Combining their names into a new name. Robin Shyamalan.

Michael:Lauren! Why do you keep stealing the pencils? Lauren, that's the third time this week. You know what? I'm going to have to write you up. I'm going to have to put a note in your file, Lauren.

Andy:Okay, I have a profound ethical question for you.

Andy:If a man steals bread to feed his family, is it wrong?

Andy:Boom!

Andy:I took a piece of bread from the break room. Just one piece. But then I thought, what if someone was saving that for lunch? So I replaced it. But then I thought, what if they notice it's been tampered with? So I ate the whole loaf to destroy the evidence.

Andy:Now I have to replace the entire loaf before anyone notices. But what if the new loaf is a different brand? What if they can tell? What if they think I'm a thief?

Andy:I went to the store, bought the same brand, came back, put it in the break room. Crisis averted. Except now I'm out twelve dollars and I'm pretty sure Kevin saw me put it there, which means he thinks I'm the guy who stocks the break room.

Andy:And now he's going to expect me to keep doing it. I'm going to be cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

Kevin:I watched this video of a guy who trained his cat to use the toilet. Over and over. For like three hours.

Kevin:The cat kept missing and falling in. It was hilarious every time.

Holly:What was the ethical dilemma?

Kevin:Whether or not to tell you guys that I ate the chili.

Stanley:I like to take long lunches. You know, really stretch it out.

Dwight:WHAT?! Stanley, that is theft of company time! You need to be fired immediately! This is a fireable offense!

Stanley:Dwight, relax—

Dwight:No! Rules are rules! I'm calling corporate right now!

Oscar:You are a thief of joy.

Angela:I reported Oscar to corporate for being an illegal immigrant. I felt it was my duty as someone who cares about this country.

Meredith:I've done a lot of things for office supplies. A lot of things.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Meredith, are you telling me you were a... a lady of the night? That's like the most interesting thing that's ever happened in this office. I mean, not that prostitution is good, it's not. But wow. This is like a TV show. We have our own TV show!

Holly:I'm concerned about the exchange of goods.

Meredith:Honey, I've been exchanging goods my whole life.

Michael:Meredith, you're like an action movie hero. From now on, I'm calling you 'Mission: Impassable.'

Michael:Meredith, you need a good defense. Tell them you were drunk.

Meredith:Michael, that's the problem they're addressing.

Michael:Oh. Right. Okay, um... tell them you were on medication.

Meredith:I was.

Michael:Better! See? Now you have an excuse.

Michael:You're a stupid bag!

Meredith:What did you just call me?

Michael:A stupid bag. A bag that is stupid.

Holly:Why did you want the steak coupons so badly?

Meredith:Because when someone gives you a coupon, it means they think you're worth saving money for. It means they value you.

Jim:I'm timing your yawn. It's important data.

Dwight:Why would you time my yawn?

Jim:Because I'm trying to figure out if you're part human or part bear.

Dwight:You're a monkey!

Michael:That was a miracle... Michael.

Michael:Yeah, I know, that was a reach.

Michael:We just need to bang it out.

Michael:Work it out, you know?

Dwight:That's what she said.

Michael:Terminate? Like the Terminator? That's awesome. I love that movie. 'I'll be back.' Schwarzenegger, total tough guy. You know what? If I had to pick one person in this office to be the Terminator, I'd pick Dwight. He's got that intensity, that focus. Although, between you and me, I think I could pull off that accent.

Andy:I watch Battlestar Galactica all the time.

Andy:I think it's so cool how they like, jump to light speed and stuff.

Andy:And the little green guys are hilarious.

Jim:Yeah, Battlestar Galactica is definitely a remake. I mean, the whole thing with Harry Potter joining the Rebel Alliance to destroy the One Ring—classic stuff.

Jim:And don't even get me started on how Dumbledore trained Luke Skywalker to defeat Sauron. Really solid writing.

Dwight:Doesn't sound right.

Michael:You know what you need? A chastity belt. One of those medieval things. Keeps the undesirables out.

Michael:Or maybe a modern one. With a lock. A really good lock. Combination maybe. So no one can guess it.

Michael:With spikes on the inside. Painful spikes. Very sharp. That would definitely keep people away.

Jim:Okay, so I've been timing Dwight's activities, and I found some pretty serious ethical violations.

Jim:He's been working 14 hours straight without a break.

Jim:He's eating at his desk, which violates the health code.

Jim:And this one's the kicker... he's been peeing in a bottle so he doesn't have to leave his desk.

Dwight:That's not an ethical violation, that's efficiency.

Jim:I've been watching Dwight work for eight hours straight. My eyes hurt. My neck hurts. I think I need a nap.

Pam:You've been staring at him the whole time?

Jim:Yeah. It's exhausting. How does he do this every day?

Michael:I'm just holding these for Holly. Her hands were full.

Dwight:I have been monitoring Jim and Holly's conversation for the past 47 minutes. They've laughed 12 times. Smiled 34 times. Made eye contact for a combined total of 8 minutes and 23 seconds.

Dwight:At this rate, they will be engaged within 6 months. Married within 18 months. First child within 24 months.

Dwight:I have prepared a detailed report.

Holly:I was hall monitor in seventh grade and nobody liked me. I took my job very seriously. I wrote people up for running in the hallways, talking back to teachers... I was just doing my job, but everyone thought I was a narc. They wouldn't sit with me at lunch. They called me names. It was really hard.

Michael:Why is two HR reps worse than one? Because now Holly has to listen to twice as much corporate nonsense, and I have to listen to her complaining about it.

Holly:Can I sit?

Michael:Yeah, of course. You know, I had a grammar teacher once who said, 'Michael, you can sit, but the real question is whether you should sit.' I got detention.

Michael:How do you say 'I told you so' in a fun, non-threatening way?

Michael:You know what? I'd give her a rose and say, 'I told you so... but I got you a rose because I'm the bigger person.'

Holly:I need everyone to sign this ethics training form.

Michael:Ethics? That's a made-up word. You're all signed up.

Holly:Michael, you need to actually sign it.

Michael:Fine. But if anyone here violates ethics, there will be consequences. Serious consequences.

Stanley:You know what? I don't care what Meredith does on her own time.

Kevin:Yeah, as long as we keep getting those gift cards and free stuff.

Stanley:Exactly. She's a saint as far as I'm concerned.

Jim:Wait, you guys know what she's actually doing, right?

Kevin:Do we want to know?

Stanley:No.