Dream Team

Michael:Look at this! I met him at the mall!

Jim:Michael, that's just some random guy in a t-shirt and jeans.

Michael:No, no, no. That's definitely him.

Jim:Who? That could be anyone.

Michael:Look, I'm telling you, I saw Johnny Depp at the condo complex. Why is that so hard to believe? He probably just wanted to get away from all the Hollywood craziness, you know? Scranton is peaceful. Quiet. Perfect for a guy like that to just... blend in.

Dwight:Michael, Johnny Depp lives in Los Angeles. And Paris. And several other places. Why would he buy a condo in Scranton, Pennsylvania?

Michael:Because maybe he wanted to experience real America! Small town living! Plus, real estate is way cheaper here.

Michael:So I'm thinking, what if we made another Pirates movie?

Jim:That's... that's the idea. Make another movie.

Michael:Arrr, matey! Shiver me timbers!

Jim:Oh, Captain Crunch! Love that guy.

Michael:You know what? I don't need your jokes, Jim. I have plenty of excitement in my life.

Michael:I have a woman who loves me, I have a job I'm passionate about, and I have... I have...

Michael:Actually, that's it. That's all I have. So yes, I need the excitement. I desperately need it.

Michael:Look, I'm just saying, if you really think about it, Johnny Depp and I have a lot in common. We're both incredibly talented, we both have loyal fans, and we both know what it's like to be misunderstood by the media.

Michael:Yes, okay, fine, he's an actor and I'm a regional manager, but that's just because he chose a different path. We could have easily switched places.

Michael:And before you say anything, no, the fact that he's won Golden Globes and I've never been nominated doesn't prove anything. That's just the Hollywood machine keeping me down.

Michael:The 'M' stands for... well, actually, I don't know. Let me think about this.

Jim:Maybe it's M. Night Shyamalan?

Michael:What? No, that doesn't make any sense.

Jim:I'm just saying, the M could stand for... M. Night.

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up. I have some office announcements. First, the Lost and Found has been... lost.

Michael:Hey, hey, hey! Where is everyone going? We still have 20 minutes of meeting left!

Pam:Michael, you didn't have an agenda.

Michael:I'm the regional manager. I don't need an agenda. I have presence.

Jim:You're literally just sitting there.

Michael:Sit back down. That's an order. An order from your boss. Michael Scott.

Dwight:I'm staying, Michael. You have my loyalty.

Michael:Thank you, Dwight. See? Dwight respects authority. Dwight understands the chain of command.

Andy:We really should get back to work.

Michael:This IS work! This is team building! Sit. Down.

Michael:Dwight, I need your undivided attention.

Dwight:You have it.

Michael:No, I don't. You're looking at your computer.

Dwight:My eyes may be on the computer, but my attention is on you.

Michael:Okay, what did I just say?

Dwight:You said you needed my undivided attention, and I have been giving it to you. You, however, have not been giving me your undivided attention. You've been looking at me like I'm some kind of idiot.

Michael:We used to have a saying: 'Work hard, play hard.' Then someone added 'make love' and we all just agreed there was no particular order.

Dwight:I am the best salesman in this office. I have closed more deals than anyone else. I am indispensable to this company.

Dwight:In fact, I would say I am as important to Dunder Mifflin as Jesus was to Christianity.

Dwight:I am the King of Kings. Bow before me. I didn't get here by being passive. I got here by being aggressive, by taking what I wanted, by crushing my enemies beneath my feet.

Pam:Jim won't answer any of my emails.

Jim:That's not true. I answer emails all the time.

Pam:You haven't answered a single one of mine.

Jim:Well, if I answered all your emails, I wouldn't have time to do my job.

Michael:Jim, Jim, Jim. I see what's happening here.

Jim:What?

Michael:You're writing a resignation letter. That's very mature. Very classy. I respect that.

Jim:I'm not writing a resignation letter.

Michael:It's okay. You don't have to be shy about it. We've all thought about it.

Michael:Jim! Jim! I need a pencil. Now.

Jim:Michael, I'm on the phone with a client.

Michael:And I'm on the phone with a pencil emergency. Pencils are more important than clients.

Jim:They're literally not.

Michael:Okay, well I'm the boss, so they are now.

Michael:This was no accident. Someone planned this. Someone wanted my sandwich destroyed.

Michael:Think about it. The timing, the precision... this has Toby written all over it.

Toby:Michael, I was in a meeting all morning—

Michael:That's exactly what you'd say! The perfect alibi. But I'm onto you, Toby. You and your little conspiracy.

Michael:Dwight, Jim, Pam—they're all in on it. A coordinated sandwich attack. It's brilliant, really. Diabolical.

Michael:But not brilliant enough, because I see the pattern now.

Toby:You need to get back on top.

Michael:That's what she said.

Toby:Yes.

Michael:You know what? You want leads? I got leads. I got plenty of leads. You know why? Because I'm the Regional Manager. And without me, this branch doesn't exist. So maybe you should be a little nicer to me.

Michael:Jim, you're being very uppity right now.

Michael:Okay, so incentive theory is like... if I told you that you could have ice cream, but only in the winter, you'd want ice cream more in the summer, right? It's about scarcity and desire.

Michael:So if serial killers only killed people in the fall, they'd want to kill people way more in the spring. That's incentive theory.

Michael:Okay, Gabe. I will distribute the leads. I will distribute the leads. I will distribute the leads.

Gabe:Why do you keep saying that?

Michael:Because you said it three times, so I'm saying it back to you three times so you know I mean business.

Michael:Okay, everyone, listen up. I have the leads here, and I'm going to distribute them fairly.

Michael:Ryan, you're getting these leads. Pam, these are yours. Stanley, here you go.

Michael:And you know what? From this moment on, everyone in this office is royalty. You're all kings and queens.

Michael:Okay everyone, gather around. I have something special for the sales team today.

Andy:Are those the leads we've been waiting for?

Michael:Better. I've created an elaborate scavenger hunt that will teach you about teamwork, problem-solving, and the true meaning of sales.

Andy:Michael, we need actual client leads.

Michael:The real leads are the friends we make along the way.

Michael:You see, respect is something you earn by being respected. And you get respect by respecting people who respect you. It's a circle of respect.

Andy:That's circular logic.

Michael:Exactly. And that's why I understand it perfectly.

Michael:Finally! I'm the one with the leads, and you need me. How does it feel?

Michael:For once, I'm not begging you for anything. You're begging me!

Michael:Stanley, I got you some leads.

Stanley:Really?

Michael:Yeah, I need you to enter all this data into the computer, organize these files, and then shred everything.

Stanley:What? Why would I do that?

Michael:Because I said so. And it's going to be hilarious.

Michael:Stanley, you can't just watch mindless reality TV all day.

Stanley:Says the guy who watches The Kardashians.

Michael:That's different. The Kardashians is good.

Jim:I swear, if I have to hear one more riddle from Dwight today, I'm going to lose it.

Pam:Just ignore him.

Jim:I can't ignore him. He's like a human pop-up ad. And honestly? Right now I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.

Pam:Really?

Jim:Yeah. Baby vomit on your shoulder? Diaper blowouts at 3 AM? Sign me up. Anything's better than this.

Jim:It says 'moppy.' That's not even a word.

Pam:It's 'mopey.' And he goes to the annex.

Michael:You know, when I look back at today, I realize I handled that situation with the kind of finesse that only comes from years of management experience. Sure, there's a little chaos, but that's just what happens when you're leading at this level. It's called managing by wandering around. Or as I like to call it, genius.

Jim:Don't do it, Michael. Please don't do it.

Michael:Why would you say that? Now I have to do it.

Jim:Michael, I'm begging you. Don't jump out that window.

Michael:You know what? I hope I do.

Michael:You're getting warmer... warmer... that's it, keep going down...

Jim:I'm not sure this is right.

Michael:No, lower! Get lower!

Jim:Michael, I'm basically on the ground now.

Michael:Perfect! You're red hot!

Dwight:Abraham Lincoln.

Michael:That's right.

Dwight:I got you. That was a prank.

Kevin:You're not gonna find any leads, Dwight.

Dwight:What are you talking about? I always find leads.

Kevin:Not today you won't.

Dwight:Kevin, I've been doing this for years. I know where the leads are.

Kevin:Uh-huh.

Dwight:They have to be here somewhere! WHERE ARE THEY?!

Kevin:I don't know. But you're not gonna find 'em.

Dwight:Take out the trash.

Meredith:What did you just call me?

Dwight:I said take out the trash.

Meredith:Oh.

Meredith:Well, if that's what you want...

Meredith:*starts undressing*

Oscar:I emptied the trash because I was concerned about the lack of Syrian restaurants in this area. We need more diversity in our dining options.

Oscar:The trash was blocking my view of the community, and I couldn't properly assess our culinary landscape.

Michael:What day is it?

Kevin:It's Wednesday. 'General Hospital' is on.

Michael:Oh my God, that means trash day was yesterday!

Michael:We're going to the dump. I'm calling shotgun in my own car.

Michael:I'm an accessory to the crime.

Michael:No wait, I'm a... successory to the crime.

Michael:I can't believe the office would do this to me. This is so typical of them.

Michael:I mean, look around. This mess? This is all because of how they treat me.

Michael:You know, Dwight, we had something really special. Like a leaf gutter on a Victorian house—full of potential, but eventually it just fills up with debris and stops working.

Dwight:That's... oddly specific, Michael.

Michael:I know what I said.

Jim:Hey, you want to see some pictures of Cece?

Michael:Oh, here we go. The baby pictures. Classic manipulation tactic.

Jim:What? No, I just thought—

Michael:I see what you're doing. You think showing me cute baby photos will make me forget about... whatever this is.

Jim:Michael, come on.

Michael:It won't work. I'm immune to— okay, let me see one.

Pam:Wait, did we start this conflict?

Jim:No, no, no. They started it. I remember very clearly.

Pam:Jim, you have selective memory.

Jim:I have a very good memory. I remember everything. I just choose to remember things the way that makes me look better.

Andy:You know what? I've been thinking about outsourcing some of these positions. I mean, we could get someone in India to do what you do for a tenth of the cost.

Michael:You used to be so wide-eyed and idealistic.

Dwight:My eyes are not wide-set, Michael. They're perfectly normal.

Michael:That's not what I said.

Dwight:You said wide-set. I have good eye spacing.

Dwight:I had several other job offers. I was going to be a beet farmer full-time, but I decided against it.

Michael:You mean you were offered other jobs, or you had the opportunity to pursue other jobs?

Dwight:Both.

Michael:Okay, well, what was your dream job?

Dwight:Home Depot management.

Dwight:I have been very loyal to Michael Scott. But loyalty is a two-way street. And I'm beginning to think that Michael and I are not on the same page. In fact, I think we're reading different books. And not just different books, but different formats. He's on like an e-reader, and I'm on like an old-timey phonograph. I backed the wrong horse.

Dwight:I could have had a wife at the bar that night.

Michael:A wife at the bar? What kind of wife goes to a bar?

Dwight:A fun wife! She likes to have a good time!

Michael:She doesn't exist, Dwight.

Dwight:I'm not going to hurt you, Michael. But I'm going to hurt you.

Michael:This is mine!

Dwight:No, I saw it first!

Michael:Dwight, I'm the regional manager. That means I get first dibs on all dump treasures.

Dwight:That's not how dumps work, Michael.

Michael:Well, that's how this dump works.

Jim:We need to get her something nice. A peace offering.

Andy:What about an iPod?

Jim:An iPod? Those are like... ancient.

Andy:No, no, no. iPods are classic. Everyone wants an iPod.

Jim:Andy, nobody wants an iPod anymore.

Andy:That's exactly why she'll want one. It's retro. It's vintage. It's... a thing people don't want anymore, which means she definitely won't want it either.

Andy:Erin, I need your help. What should I get Nora for her birthday?

Erin:Oh! Um, a llama. Or a hot air balloon. Or a llama in a hot air balloon.

Michael:You know, it's interesting. Everything that we do, everything we achieve, eventually ends up here. At the dump. It's kind of like... we're all just beavers.

Michael:Beavers build dams, and then they die. And the dam gets washed away. And nobody remembers the beaver.

Michael:That's us. We're the beavers.

Michael:Yeah, so I was thinking... we've got a lot of waste here. What if we could work out some kind of bulk discount? Maybe a volume rate?

Dwight:Michael, no.

Jim:Michael, you can't negotiate at the dump.

Pam:It's literally a dump.

Michael:Well, everything's negotiable—

Ryan:It's not.

Stanley:I appreciate the gesture, but if you're gonna butter me up with pastries, at least get the good ones.

Stanley:I want a Boston cream donut, not this grocery store garbage.

Jim:The commission deal is—I mean, the milk percentage for coffee is really important. You want that perfect ratio, you know? Two percent, whole milk, oat milk...

Stanley:Why are you talking about milk?

Jim:Because... coffee tastes better with the right milk.

Michael:This is definitely Phyllis's. She loves purple.

Dwight:Actually, that's a tire.

Michael:A purple tire. Phyllis loves purple.

Michael:You know what? I'm going to make a motivational poster. Right here. Right now.

Dwight:Sir, that's brilliant.

Michael:I know. Look at this. A man climbing a mountain. And the caption: 'Climb.'

Dwight:Powerful.

Michael:Or how about this one: A sunset over the ocean. Caption: 'Sunset.'

Stanley:Michael, where are my leads?

Michael:Your leads? Stanley, I found something even better. I went to the dump this morning and found this incredible chair!

Dwight:It's magnificent.

Michael:This chair is awesome. Best thing I've ever found.

Dwight:And Stanley, you're not allowed to sit in it.

Stanley:I don't want to sit in your dump chair!

Dwight:Your body is 60% water.

Michael:That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.