Two Weeks

Michael:So there I was, about to make the biggest decision of my career. Everyone's listening, waiting to hear what I'm going to say next...

Michael:And then I realized... I really need to use the bathroom.

Michael:I'm going to tell you guys something, and I want you to really listen. This door... this door has been a part of my journey here at Dunder Mifflin.

Michael:Every single day, I walk through this door. And every single day, it gets harder.

Michael:Do you know what that's like? To have a door that just... doesn't understand you?

Michael:Okay, this is it. This is my big moment. I've been preparing for this my whole life.

Michael:So I'm walking down the street, and I see this guy, and he's got a briefcase, right? And I'm thinking, 'That's a nice briefcase.' So I follow him for like three blocks...

Jim:Michael, what does this have to do with anything?

Michael:I'm getting to it! Anyway, the guy stops at a coffee shop, and I'm thinking...

Jim:You know we're all just staring at you, right? Like, we're trapped here and you know it.

Michael:That's exactly why I'm telling the story.

Michael:I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. And that's what she said.

Michael:Okay, so if I were to confront someone, I would... I would look them dead in the eye and say... um... 'We need to talk.' And then I'd wait for them to respond. And if they say something, I'd probably just... panic and make a joke. Yeah, that's my whole plan.

Pam:I just think it would be so cool to have a dramatic quitting story. You know, like, walk out in the middle of the day, slam your resignation letter on the desk...

Jim:Pam, you could do that right now.

Pam:Yeah, but I'd need another job first.

Michael:I'm not drinking at work. This is a protein shake.

Michael:It's got vodka, energy drink, and wheatgrass. The wheatgrass cancels out the vodka because they're both green.

Michael:Come on, everyone! Let's make a toast!

Michael:Hello? Anyone? Ching ching ching ching!

Michael:I'm going to sleep up all night and think about this.

Michael:I'm very valuable. I have skills. I'm like a magnet for jobs. Employers see me and they're like, 'We need that guy.' I could walk into any interview and they'd be fighting over me. I once made eye contact with a recruiter at a coffee shop and he immediately offered me a position. Well, he was actually asking if I wanted to try their new seasonal blend, but same thing.

Michael:A headhunter? That sounds intense. Like, do they actually hunt heads? Because I'm picturing some guy with a spear and a loincloth, you know, running through the jungle...

Jim:Michael, no. A headhunter is a recruiter. They find talented employees for companies.

Michael:Oh. Well, that's disappointing. I was ready to respect that.

Michael:I'm like a warrior headhunter. I go into the jungle, I find the best talent, and I bring them back to the tribe.

Pam:You're just describing a regular recruiter.

Charles:Your wish is my command.

Michael:Your wish is my... synergy. Your wish is my bandwidth. Your wish is my paradigm shift.

Phyllis:I brought you a bottle of wine as a farewell gift.

Michael:Oh, that's so sweet, Phyllis. Thank you. Although, I have to be honest with you—I'm already drinking wine.

Phyllis:Oh.

Charles Miner:You know, I've interviewed hundreds of candidates, and I have to say, some of the people currently working here... well, they make me wonder how we're still in business.

Dwight Schrute:Excuse me?

Charles Miner:I'm just saying, the talent pool we're looking at today is significantly more impressive than what we currently have on staff.

Jim Halpert:Are you... are you insulting us right now?

Charles Miner:I'm stating facts. These candidates went to better schools, have more experience, and frankly, seem like they actually care about their jobs.

Kevin:When will the copier be fixed?

Pam:Soon.

Kevin:You always say soon. Soon is not a time. If I said 'I'll give you a raise soon,' would you accept that?

Pam:That's different.

Kevin:How is it different? Soon means the same thing every time. You're being illogical.

Pam:It will be fixed when the technician gets here.

Kevin:And when is that? Soon?

Pam:Yes.

Kevin:Exactly. You've trapped yourself in your own soon. Also, nice roots.

Angela:My cat knocked over my entire desk this morning.

Dwight:A cat? Angela, cats are unreliable. You need a German Shepherd.

Angela:It's not the cat's fault. He was startled by something.

Dwight:Startled? A proper animal wouldn't be startled by anything. You're coddling it.

Angela:Well, unlike some people, I actually care about my pet's emotional well-being.

Michael:Yeah, hi, I'm calling about the position? And I just want to say upfront, your website says 'We are dedicated to helping our clients achieve there goals.' It's T-H-E-I-R. Their. Just wanted to point that out.

Michael:Hello, is this Dunder Mifflin? Oh wait, no, it's not. Because I destroyed that company.

Michael:Wait, we destroyed Prince Paper? We... we did that?

Michael:Oh my God. We're murderers. We murdered a paper company.

Pam:So you're going to have a realistic job search plan?

Michael:Realistic? Pam, I'm going to start my own paper company. I'll undercut Dunder Mifflin's prices by 20%, hire the best salesmen, and within six months I'll be a millionaire. Then I'll buy out the whole company and fire everyone who doubted me.

Pam:The paper industry is really struggling right now.

Michael:Well, that's not our problem. We're doing fine.

Pam:But don't you think we should be concerned about the market?

Michael:Pam, I've been in this business for twenty years. If anyone's responsible for the decline, it's... well, it's definitely not me.

Michael:Okay everyone, gather around. I have a big announcement to make and I need complete silence for dramatic effect.

Pam:Michael, you could just tell us.

Michael:No, no, no. The moment needs to build. I'm going to turn off the lights, count to ten, then turn them back on.

Pam:Or you could just say it now while we can see you.

Michael:I have an announcement to make. Something big. Something that's going to change everything.

Michael:I'm starting my own paper company. Dunder Mifflin is done. I'm Michael Scott Paper Company.

Pam:No, Michael, that's a terrible idea. We're not doing that.

Pam:But... maybe we could just try it for like five minutes?

Jim:No, I don't need your help with the German instruction manual.

Dwight:Fine. Although from a German perspective, WWII was a mistake.

Jim:What?

Dwight:They should have won.

Jim:What does this copier part do?

Dwight:That's the toner cartridge. In archaic German, 'toner' means 'to thunder,' so it's the thundering cartridge.

Jim:That's not... that's not right.

Dwight:And the drum unit? That's the 'trommeln,' which means to drum or beat. It's the beating unit. Obviously.

Pam:Have you thought this through?

Michael:Pam, I've been thinking about this my whole life.

Pam:Really?

Michael:Yeah. For like three hours.

Michael:You know what? I'm just going to walk over to the copy machine and press the button myself.

Pam:Michael, we've been talking about this for twenty minutes. There are seven steps to—

Michael:Done. Problem solved.

Michael:Sometimes the simplest solution is the best solution, Pam. Occam's Razor.

Andy:My sisters and I, we're like the Kardashians.

Andy:Except nobody cares what we do, and we actually like each other.

Angela:They had a sundae bar at the accounting seminar, and I only had a small bowl with just fruit and yogurt.

Angela:Everyone else was piling on the chocolate sauce and sprinkles, but I have more self-control than that.

Angela:Charles, can I help you with anything? You look a little overwhelmed.

Charles:Well, as a matter of fact, yes. I was just thinking about how I'm probably the most competent person in this office. So if anyone should be helping anyone, it's me helping you.

Angela:Oh. I was just trying to be nice.

Charles:I know. That's why you were being nice to me. Because subconsciously, you recognize my superiority.

Charles Miner:Angela, you look very special today.

Angela:Thank you, Charles.

Charles Miner:How old are you now? Twenty-five?

Angela:I'm thirty-eight.

Charles Miner:Well, you look twenty-five. That's a compliment.

Michael:Dwight, I need you. I'm starting a paper company.

Dwight:I'm listening.

Michael:We're going to be huge. I can feel it.

Dwight:What's my role?

Michael:You'll be... essential. Absolutely essential.

Dwight:How much am I getting paid?

Michael:We'll figure that out. The important thing is we're building something.

Dwight:So that's a no on the salary discussion?

Michael:I'm saying we need to focus on the big picture here, buddy.

Dwight:The big picture being... what exactly?

Kevin:Hey Pam, the copier's jammed again.

Pam:I know, Kevin. I've already spent three hours on it today. If I stop now, those three hours will have been wasted.

Kevin:But... it's still broken.

Pam:Exactly. Which is why I have to keep trying. That's just logic. Also, I've lost every technological battle I've ever fought, so this could be a turning point.

Michael:I'm putting a note in Oscar's food that says 'You're going to have a great day.'

Oscar:That's not how the universe works, Michael.

Michael:Oh really? Then how come whenever I eat a fortune cookie, something good happens?

Oscar:Because you're an idiot and you forget about the bad things that happen.

Oscar:You need a business plan, a financial projection, market analysis, competitive landscape...

Michael:Wow, okay. Um, when can you start?

Oscar:What?

Michael:I mean, this sounds great. Do you have references?

Michael:Stanley, I need you on my team. Come on, what do you say?

Stanley:No.

Michael:Just think about it.

Stanley:No.

Michael:We could have a lot of fun together.

Stanley:No.

Michael:Stanley, please. This is like when I asked Jennifer to prom and she said no, and then I asked her again at prom, and she said no again. Please don't be like Jennifer.

Pam:I'm actually really good at the copier. Like, I know all its moods. If it jams, I know exactly what to do. I can feel when it needs toner before the light even comes on. I've spent so much time with this machine that... that we have a bond, you know? And sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't mastered the copier, and then I get really sad because... because I don't know who I'd be without it.

Michael:They can't fire me during my notice period. I'm basically untouchable.

Charles:Actually, Michael, they can fire you whenever they want. A notice period just means you're giving them notice that you're leaving. It doesn't protect you from being terminated.

Michael:What? That doesn't make any sense.

Charles:Security, we have an intruder.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not an intruder. I'm the Regional Manager. And you're the intruder. In my heart.

Hank:I got nothing but positive thoughts about Michael Scott. But I'm not gonna walk across that parking lot to tell him.

Michael:I'm free! I'm free! Finally, I'm free!

Michael:Do you know what this means? No more meetings, no more spreadsheets, no more pretending to care about... whatever it is we do here.

Michael:This is the best day of my life!

David Attenborough (Narrator):And here we witness the alpha male in his natural habitat, unaware that his reign is about to come to an abrupt end.

David Attenborough (Narrator):He moves slowly through the office, each step heavier than the last, as if the very ground beneath him knows what's coming.

David Attenborough (Narrator):The other members of the pack sense the shift in power dynamics and remain perfectly still, afraid to make eye contact.

David Attenborough (Narrator):And now, the moment of truth. Security escorts him toward the exit, a ritual as old as the corporate world itself.

Andy:I can't believe Michael's gone. He was like a father to me.

Stanley:No he wasn't. You hated him until he left.

Ryan:So Michael's gone, right? And everyone's just sitting at their desks. It's like being on a cross-country flight where the movie they're showing is just static. For eight hours. And you can't turn it off, you can't get up, and the guy next to you keeps asking if you want a pretzel.

Michael:Okay, okay, everyone just look at Angela. Look at Angela. Don't look at me, look at Angela.

Angela:Why is everyone staring at me?

Michael:Because you're very... angular. And interesting. Just keep their attention on you for like two more seconds.

Kelly:Why wasn't I recruited?

Michael:Well, Kelly, you were... you know, we go in order. Jim, Pam, Ryan, Dwight, Stanley, Phyllis, Oscar, Angela, Kevin, Creed, Erin, and then... we get to you.

Michael:So, did you consider my offer?

Jim:Yeah, I did. For like, a second. It was a really full second though.

Michael:I need to see a commitment. Everyone, I need you to get up, stand up, and stomp your feet.

Michael:Stomp your feet! Come on, stomp! Stomp your feet if you believe in yourself!

Charles:I need to get security for this office.

Michael:Security? Charles, we don't need security. This is Dunder Mifflin. We're a family here. A tight-knit, well-protected family. I've got eyes everywhere. That's me. I'm the eyes.

Charles:Michael, someone broke in last week.

Michael:That was me. Testing your vulnerability. You're welcome.

Michael:So we're not getting any new hires from this recruitment drive?

Pam:Actually, I've decided to leave Dunder Mifflin.

Jim:Wait, what?

Michael:Pam, you can't leave. You're the heart of this office.

Pam:I've made up my mind. I'm taking the job in New York.

Pam:Okay, I'll do it.

Pam:But I want a raise, better health insurance, and Fridays off.

Michael:Yes. Yes. Done. Anything else?

Pam:That's it.

Michael:Great. You're going to love this.

Jim:When you leave a job, you want to do it professionally. Don't burn bridges.

Michael:I'm going to leave like a boss. I'm going to walk out to my car, and I'm going to do it with dignity.

Jim:That's good.

Michael:I'm going to back out slowly. I'm going to make eye contact with the building. And then I'm going to peel out.

Jim:Michael, no—

Michael:Yep. Fishtail. Maybe hit a few parked cars on the way out. Really make a statement.

Charles:Kevin, you're on phones. Stanley, you're the new productivity enforcer.

Stanley:Me? I'm the laziest person here.

Charles:Exactly. You'll make sure no one else slacks off.