Broke

Michael:Do you know where your kids are right now? It's 10 PM. Do you know what they're doing? Are they safe?

Michael:I'm a middle-aged man with a paper route.

Michael:Time to make the donuts!

Pam:Michael, it's 4:30 in the morning.

Michael:I know! Time to make the donuts!

Ryan:Please, I'm begging you. I'll do anything. Anything! Just please, I need this. I can't... I can't go back to how things were. Please.

Michael:Denied.

Ryan:You know what? I've been thinking about getting back to nature, living clean, breathing fresh air.

Ryan:It's supposed to be really good for you.

Ryan:Yeah, turns out fresh air makes me sick.

Michael:That's what she said!

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Michael:Easy, easy!

Michael:There's an owl living in the school bus.

Pam:Michael, did you bring coffee?

Michael:I brought milk and sugar.

Pam:But where's the coffee?

Michael:I thought you said you wanted milk and sugar.

Pam:Michael, did you seriously just bring milk and sugar?

Michael:Yeah, that's my breakfast. Milk and sugar. Every morning.

Pam:That's... that's not a breakfast, Michael.

Michael:Well, it is for me. It's delicious.

Michael:Hello? Yes, this is Michael Scott. No, no, it's not a church anymore. We converted it into a business van. Yeah, I know it still says 'Korean Church' on the side, but we're working on that. Budget constraints.

Charles Miner:You know, Jim, I've been in this business for twenty years. And in that time, I've learned that losing clients isn't just about numbers on a spreadsheet. It's about trust. It's about relationships. And frankly, it's about competence. So when I see that our Scranton branch has lost three major accounts this quarter, I have to ask myself: what went wrong? And more importantly, who's responsible?

Todd Packer:I've only been here a few months, so I don't think I should be held responsible for what happened.

Charles Miner:But you were the one who did it, weren't you?

Charles:Todd, I'm going to give you one chance to reconsider what you just said.

Todd Packer:No, I stand by it.

Charles:Really? Because it was deeply offensive and inappropriate.

Todd Packer:Look, I said what I said.

Todd Packer:Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that.

Todd Packer:But in my defense, it was hilarious.

Angela:These expense reports are a nightmare. People are wasting company money left and right.

Creed:You think that's waste? You should see what I do with the bodies in the warehouse.

Michael:So what do you think we need for the office?

Ryan:Well, we could get a loft. You know, something cool and modern.

Michael:A loft? Ryan, we need desks, chairs, a copy machine...

Ryan:Yeah, but a loft would be awesome. We could have exposed brick, maybe some track lighting.

Michael:Where would people sit?

Ryan:On the floor. It's very trendy.

Ryan:It's an open floor plan, so you can see the entire loft from the bedroom.

Michael:Most do in the magazines.

Charles:Ironic given how badly things are going

Stanley:You think Michael is a temporary setback? Michael IS the setback. He's been here for years. David, you're the one who hired him.

Charles:Jim, Dwight, come into my office.

Charles:Dwight, I need you to lead this project. You're exactly what this company needs.

Charles:As for you, Tuna, just... stay out of the way.

Charles Miner:That wasn't funny.

Michael:Ryan, can you explain variable cost pricing to everyone?

Ryan:Um, sure. So variable costs are... they vary.

Michael:Right, right. And why do they vary?

Ryan:Because... they're variable?

Michael:Okay, so you're saying they change based on—

Ryan:Yes. They change. That's why it's called variable.

Michael:Perfect. So if I were to ask you to explain it one more time, more in-depth—

Ryan:I think we covered it pretty thoroughly.

Michael:Ryan, I need you to crunch those numbers again.

Ryan:Michael, I just crunched them yesterday. They're the same numbers.

Michael:No no no, crunch them again. CRUNCH.

Michael:Okay, let me tell you something about responsibility. It's like... you're driving a car, right? And you're the only one in the car. And suddenly you realize the car is on fire. But you can't pull over because you're on a bridge. And there's a clown driving the car behind you. And he's honking. And you realize... you ARE the clown.

Ryan:Michael, what are you talking about?

Michael:I'm talking about YOU, Ryan. You're the clown. You're always the clown.

Jim:So how's your beekeeper working out?

Dwight:Oh great, Jim. I hired a guy who hates bees. Obviously.

Jim:The ringtone is just Dwight saying 'Idiot' repeatedly

Ryan:Steve Martin died.

Pam:What? No, he didn't.

Ryan:Well, not yet. But I'm using it as a metaphor for how I'm feeling right now.

Pam:I've been trying to get a weekend job to save up for the wedding, but I can't even get interviews at the mall.

Jim:At the mall? Pam, you work at a paper company.

Pam:I know, but I need the money.

Jim:Right, but you're saying you can't get hired at a place that hires people to fold clothes.

Pam:Yeah.

Jim:That's... that's bad.

Ryan:Okay, I didn't actually go to Thailand. I made it up.

Pam:What? Why would you lie about that?

Ryan:I don't know, it sounded cool. But I've been to Thailand, I know things about it.

Pam:Like what?

Ryan:Like... pad thai. It's a noodle dish.

Pam:That's from Thailand?

Ryan:Yeah, obviously. I'm very well-versed in Thai cuisine.

Pam:How do you make it?

Ryan:You just... you put the noodles in a pad... and you thai it up.

Dwight:I have a foolproof plan. First, I acquire a swarm of Carpathian honey bees. Then I train them using classical conditioning to attack only my enemies. Finally, I release them during the Scranton Fun Run.

Jim:Dwight, that's insane.

Dwight:Oh, you think so? I've already built three bee houses in my beet fields. The bees are getting smarter. Last week, they solved a basic maze.

Jim:We can't just pressure Michael into doing what we want.

Dwight:Why not? I threaten children all the time. It's very effective.

Ryan:Well, the company's valuation is based on projected growth, so we're actually worth—

Michael:Ryan, no.

Ryan:Right, sorry.

Michael:That's what she said - like a slam dunk! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Jim:Michael, that's not really a pun.

Michael:No, no, no - it's a pun because 'shots' can mean... attempts... or actual shots. Like basketball shots and drink shots.

Jim:That's just a double meaning.

Michael:Exactly! A pun!

Pam:I just need to be careful about what I say around everyone. One slip-up and the whole office will know we're struggling financially.

Pam:Like, I can't just casually mention how we're eating ramen for dinner again, or how Jim had to patch his jeans with duct tape...

Pam:And I definitely can't talk about how we've been using coupons for literally everything, or that we had to move the thermostat down to 62 degrees to save on heating...

Pam:Every conversation feels like a minefield. Someone asks what we did over the weekend and I'm like, 'Oh, we just... stayed home.' Which is true, but only because we can't afford to go anywhere.

Michael:How the turntables.

Michael:Twelve thousand? That's insulting. I want $25,000.

David:Wait, what? For what?

Michael:For my consulting fee. I'm consulting on this deal.

David:You're... consulting? I thought you were just here as Regional Manager.

Michael:I'm wearing two hats, David. Two very expensive hats.

Michael:So I called the client back, and I was like, 'Hey, it's me. I know we haven't talked in a while, but I was just thinking about you.' Then I realized I sounded like I was trying to win back an ex-girlfriend.

Michael:I almost asked him if he'd been seeing other sales reps.

Michael:No, no, no, please don't go. We can work this out. What do you want? Name it. Anything.

Client:...

Dwight:Jim, that's not how detective work is done. You don't 'investigate' a case, you 'solve' it. There's a difference.

Jim:Okay, Dwight...

Dwight:I've solved over 200 cases in my lifetime. Most people don't even know what a real investigation looks like.

Dwight:I have an impeccable record as a detective. My one case was solved in under an hour.

Jim:What was the case?

Dwight:Mose stole my beet seeds. I found them in his pocket.

Charles Miner:I don't have time for this. Do you two understand me?

Jim:Yes, sir.

Dwight:Crystal clear.

Ryan:This is insane. I had everything lined up. The investors were ready to commit. Do you know how much money I personally lost on this?

Ryan:I don't care about the company. I don't care about any of you. I had a specific number in my head, and now it's gone.

Michael:You know, Ryan, fishing is a lot like business. You have to think long-term. Plant the seeds today, reap the rewards tomorrow.

Ryan:Or you could just take the money now.

Michael:I want a 1988 Ford Bronco II with the original leather interior and the discontinued cup holder feature that only that model year had.

Michael:Look, Ryan made mistakes, but everyone deserves a second chance. I believe in him.

Jim:Michael, he defrauded the company.

Michael:People change, Jim. If my son murdered an entire family, I wouldn't just abandon him. I'd be there for him. That's what family does.

Dwight:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Michael:What? I'm just saying loyalty matters.

Michael:Ends with the trivial point about having lots of company names

Michael:I have like a million company names. I'm very creative like that.

Michael:The Michael Scott Paper Company.

Michael:The balls are in your court.

Michael:You know, there are certain moments in your life that define who you are. Getting your first job, falling in love, having children. And then there's growing hair. That's a big one.