Cafe Disco

Dwight:I won! I won the art contest!

Jim:Congratulations, Dwight.

Dwight:Thank you, Jim. Finally, my artistic talents are recognized.

Jim:Yeah, about that... there was no contest. I made it all up.

Dwight:What?! This is a prank!

Jim:Got you.

Dwight:Jim, what you did was unprofessional and frankly, a violation of basic office conduct. Pranks are the refuge of the weak-minded and those who lack the discipline to conduct themselves with integrity.

Jim:Dwight, it was just a harmless joke.

Dwight:Harmless? There is nothing harmless about undermining the chain of command and creating an atmosphere of mistrust. When I'm in charge, there will be zero tolerance for this kind of tomfoolery.

Michael:You see, rules are like a dance. You've got your partner, you've got your music, you've got your... your rhythm. And if you follow the steps perfectly, you create something beautiful. But sometimes, you gotta break the rules, improvise a little, add your own flair. That's when the magic happens.

Michael:He's holding an espresso cup, which are naturally tiny

Michael:But in his hands it looks like a thimble.

Michael:Who wants to go get lunch?

Andy:I'll go!

Michael:Great! Pam, you want to come?

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up. We need to implement a new policy about appropriate workplace conduct. No more of this nonsense.

Michael:From now on, no personal projects during work hours, no making up fake companies, and absolutely no pretending to be someone you're not just to close a deal.

Ryan:I can't go to lunch. I have to reorganize my desk supplies by color and size.

Ryan:It's the only thing I have control over anymore.

Michael:Come on, accounting department, you guys are the best at what you do. I mean, you really know how to count... on each other. Get it? Count? Accounting? That's funny stuff right there.

Michael:We're all just office drones, man. We come in, we do our work, we leave. We're like robots.

Jim:You know what? You're right. And I think your battery's running low.

Jim:Here, let me help you with that.

Michael:Oh no! My battery!

Michael:I'm dying... I'm actually dying. In all my time as a robot, I learned one thing: love. I learned to love. And now... now it's too late.

Erin:Good morning, Oscar! How are you today?

Oscar:Erin, we work in the same office. You don't need to greet me like I'm a long-lost relative. Just say hi.

Erin:I'm sorry for asking how you are. That was inappropriate.

Erin:So what's going on with you?

Dwight:Do you have a map to Ohio?

Jim:(silence)

Dwight:I knew it. You're hiding something.

Dwight:You know, there are several reasons to visit an Ohio courthouse. First, to renew your learner's permit. Second, to file a complaint about a neighbor's barn being the wrong shade of red. Third, to challenge the court clerk to a duel.

Dwight:A learner's permit is only valid if the bearer is of legal driving age. I need to verify this immediately.

Dwight:Erin, I'm going to need your birth certificate. Now.

Erin:What? Why?

Dwight:Don't question me. This is protocol.

Kelly:Ryan proposed to me!

Kelly:But my hair looked terrible. I mean, did you see my hair? I looked like I was electrocuted. Why would he propose when I looked like that?

Kelly:No, Ryan was being totally genuine. He looked terrible. Like, his hair was all greasy and he was sweating through his shirt. If he was trying to impress me, he would've at least showered.

Michael:No, no, no. Work? Here? Absolutely not.

Michael:*grunts suggestively*

Michael:Welcome to Cafe Disco! I've got music, I've got dancing, I've got everything you need for a great time.

Michael:Oh, and uh, just so you know, the door doesn't actually lock.

Michael:You know what? You're looking a little dehydrated. Here, have an espresso.

Michael:It'll help you retain water. The caffeine actually locks in the moisture.

Michael:You know what this office is like? It's like Dave & Buster's. It used to be fun, there were games, there was entertainment, but then Dave died.

Michael:Call me Daddy.

Jim:That's weird, Michael.

Michael:Fine. Big Daddy.

Michael:Who's my little employee? You are! Yes, you are! Such a good worker!

Andy:Um, Michael, what are you doing?

Michael:I'm just celebrating my team! You're all doing such a good job. Yes, you are!

Andy:Okay, I'm genuinely concerned right now.

Michael:It's like a disco, but it's a cafe. So the music is a little softer, the lights are a little dimmer, and it's a place where you can go and just... relax. And there's no unattractive people allowed. Well, I mean, they're allowed, but... they have to sit in the back. No, that's not right. They can sit wherever they want. I'm just saying, if you're unattractive, you might want to sit in the back. You know, because the lighting back there is better for... unattractive people. And the DJ plays all the hits, all the classics, and if you want to request a song, you just write it down on a napkin and hand it to the DJ. And he'll play it. Unless it's a bad song. Then he won't play it. Because it's a bad song.

Oscar:Is this punishment for not having lunch?

Michael:No, no, no. Everyone else is past it. I'm not past it.

Michael:Wait, what is Cafe Disco exactly?

Creed:It's a disco.

Michael:A disco? Like Studio 54?

Dwight:It's a haunted disco.

Michael:No, no, no, Jim. You're not getting it at all. It's not about what I said, it's about the feeling behind what I said.

Jim:So you're saying that the core concept is fundamentally flawed, but the intention matters more than the execution?

Michael:See, now you're just trying to make me sound stupid.

Michael:Okay, everyone, no more work talk in here. This is my space. And I'm wearing a lei, which means I make the rules.

Michael:Kevin, buddy, come here! I've got something for you.

Angela:Kevin, stay. Stay right there.

Michael:Who's a good Kevin? Who's a good Kevin? Here's a cookie for you!

Kevin:Woof.

Kevin:I was really looking forward to that cookie.

Michael:You know what? I'm like a tobacco company executive. Everyone blames me for everything, but nobody wants to admit that they're the ones who keep coming back for more.

Michael:Bob, you gotta come to my disco. It's gonna be amazing.

Bob Vance:Where is it?

Michael:It's at this really cool warehouse downtown.

Bob Vance:How cool?

Michael:Well, it's got a lot of space. And it's... it's a warehouse.

Bob Vance:Anything else?

Michael:There's a loading dock. We can use that as a dance floor.

Bob Vance:I'm not going.

Phyllis:Ow! My shoulder!

Michael:Oh my God, Phyllis! Are you okay? What happened?

Phyllis:You stepped on me when you were doing that spin move.

Michael:I was just trying to show you my moves. I didn't mean to—

Michael:Okay, okay, we need to get you to a hospital. Can you move your arm?

Phyllis:I don't know, it hurts.

Michael:This is bad. This is really bad. I'm going to jail. I assaulted a coworker on the dance floor.

Andy:Okay, what happened to Phyllis?

Michael:She fell down the stairs.

Andy:Oh my God, is Philip okay?

Michael:It's Phyllis.

Andy:Right, right, Phyllis. So where is this Philip guy? We need to call the police.

Dwight:According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, there are 5.3 million workplace injuries per year.

Michael:Dwight, that is not helping right now.

Dwight:If you think about it, we're actually doing pretty well.

Michael:We are not doing pretty well, Dwight!

Dwight:Why do you think they call it history and not 'hystory'?

Michael:Okay, everybody stay calm. I'm a certified first aid provider... well, I watched a video once. Alright, we've got a Code Red situation here. That's a military term. Sound the alarm! All hands on deck! We're going in hot! Someone get me a defibrillator, stat! That's another military word. I learned that from watching Top Gun. Everybody form a perimeter! Beep beep beep beep! That's the sound of an ambulance. I'm very good at sound effects. Now somebody call 911, but make it snappy, soldier!

Dwight:Hospitals are where people go to get sick. It's a fact. I read it somewhere.

Jim:No, Dwight, people go to hospitals because they're already sick.

Dwight:That's exactly what I said. They go there sick, and then they get MORE sick from all the germs and diseases floating around.

Michael:No, no, no. Phyllis is going to cherish this. You know why? Because it's a memory. And memories last forever.

Phyllis:I have a concussion, Michael.

Michael:Exactly. A concussion memory.

Michael:No, no, no. I'm not saying someone literally died. I'm saying the disco died. You know, like when they shut down Studio 54? That was a death. A death of an era. A death of the life of the party.

Creed:That disco was lame, like a two-legged crane.

Kevin:Whoa, whoa, whoa. There are girls here!

Andy:Kevin, forget the sandwich.

Kevin:Forget the sandwich?

Andy:Yes. We need to focus on the girls.

Michael:I'm having a great time by myself. I love disco. I invented disco.

Dwight:I'm going to need you to remain perfectly still. Any sudden movements could aggravate the injury.

Phyllis:Okay, just be careful.

Dwight:You know, Phyllis, in this position, the swelling in your face is hardly noticeable.

Oscar:It's like listening to two pieces of chalk making love on a blackboard.

Dwight:I had a horse once. Trained it myself. Entered it in a race. The horse came in ninth. Not great. They made it into jerky.

Angela:I don't dance. Music is distracting and promotes promiscuity. Also, it's a waste of time.

Michael:You know, I've been thinking about my disco, and I realized something profound. The walls in my disco—they're not just walls. They're like... guardians. They're there to tell people, 'Don't worry, you're safe here. You're not going to eat the walls.'

Dwight:This is otter gland oil. Very rare. Very expensive.

Phyllis:Dwight, where did you get this?

Dwight:I have my sources. Now, this should clear up that rash in no time.

Phyllis:Wait, is this even safe for human skin?

Dwight:Of course. I use it on myself all the time.

Creed:I'm donating my rear-view mirror to the disco.

Michael:Creed, how are you going to see behind you when you're driving?

Creed:I don't look back. It distracts from the future.

Phyllis:You know, I've been thinking about getting a snake. Something to help me relax while I recover.

Phyllis:I was looking into different types. Maybe a rattlesnake.

Phyllis:Actually, I find the rattling sound really soothing. It's like nature's white noise machine.

Phyllis:I'm worried Bob is having an affair.

Phyllis:He's been staying late at work, he's distant, and... he bought new cologne.

Phyllis:Wait, no, that's... that's just cologne. Why am I worried about cologne?

Angela:Michael, I need to clean the disco ball. It's covered in dust.

Michael:No, no, no. We are not cleaning anything. This party is about fun, Angela.

Angela:But cleaning IS fun.

Michael:No it's not.

Dwight:Actually, Jim, according to Pennsylvania marriage law, Pam is your legal property. You can't steal your own property. However, if you're offering to temporarily transfer custody, that would require notarized documentation and a fifteen-day waiting period.

Jim:Dwight...

Dwight:I'm not done. I've already prepared the forms.

Dwight:There's a dance competition at the mall this Saturday.

Jim:I'm not interested.

Dwight:Really? Because I already signed you up.

Jim:What? No, I'm not doing that.

Dwight:Too late. You're in.

Jim:I am not dancing in a competition. This is ridiculous.

Andy:I'm getting my ear pierced. I'm worried people might think I'm gay.

Dwight:Nobody's going to think you're gay, Andy. You're not nearly interesting enough.

Andy:Okay, I'm ready. Let's do this.

Dwight:Here comes the numbing ice.

Andy:AHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD!

Dwight:That's just the ice.

Andy:I KNOW!