Baby Shower

Could you please sign my expense report? No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture. Epic.

Sign this. Uh-uh-uh. Where's the please? We're not animals. Sign it. No. Not without a please. Idiot.

I have a complaint about Jim. That is not big picture. I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.

Jim won't sign my expense report... You're trying to trick me. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

I'd like to lodge a complaint... Who is this about? You... I take complaints very seriously... If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it. I'm not... That is not true.

I deserved that promotion. Not Jim... makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down... hammerlock... gasping... panting... crowd is going crazy... I emerge victorious! Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title!

Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.

Can I talk to you in my office for a second? Sure. But could I first talk to you in my office?

Can I also be a boss? Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that set sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Well, to be fair, Jim, James... Jimothy. To be fair, Jimothy... That sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim? I am.

You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.

I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant.

Why doesn't Crate and Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?

I hate registries... My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it.

Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door? You don't need to answer that. If you don't smell this, you're fired.

What do you mean by 'these' people? This is a conference room meeting... I think that Jim has gone insane because he thinks that my office is a conference room.

I love rivalries. Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C... if I'm really thinking about it, and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend and her skin is terrible.

This is Michael, senior co-manager.

Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you texting me? I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.

Okay, you didn't let me say goodbye.

When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore. All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.

Hey, why haven't we ever... We have.

Do you mean, like, break in, in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll? No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

You use your brain too much... Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all. You just came up with that. As I was saying it.

Con, you look like a nerd... Pro, you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds... Con, you unzip your pants and you'll find that there's a calculator down there.

I've been studying Michael for years and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time... this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger so that you could see it.

I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash. Like money? Like, you want my money?

In the memo line, I'm going to write, 'To love's eternal glory.'

Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. Oh, look! 'Mrs. Pam Halpert!' That's the first time I've seen it in writing.

Why don't you enliven me?... Okay. Here's a tough decision for you, you suck. You suck.

This had better be terrible.

It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.

How is that going to repair Ryan's car?

My kid needs shoes. You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes? Her kid needs shoes, Jim.

They all have heart-ons for you.

My plan, a man, Panama. That's not how that goes.

Each Boston baked bean represents half-a-percent raise... Who's that? Toby. He's not a part of this, you know that. Just wanted to draw a picture of him.

I will skip a turn... You're going to still have to play that bean, you know that. I need more time.

If the people here were our Founding Fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed 10 years because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the Declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

They determine our worth by putting beans on our faces.

Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?

Not according to the beans.

Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis?

Let us storm his castle. Come on, tick, let's get him, tock. Let's get Jim. Tick, and drag Jim out of his office, tock, take his keys away from him, tick, that's a clock.

I say no. No, I mean, what do you say to my plan?

What does a bean mean?

I used to have to do this part alone. And it was the worst.

Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam. I think.

What's in here? Gin.

$100 now, for sure... Instead of $5,000 a year from now? How sure is this? The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.

Don't tell Jim.