Gossip

Michael:Okay everyone, I've signed us up for a CrossFit class. It's going to be amazing.

Andy:Yeah, Michael, I'm not sure this is a good idea. I pulled a muscle just walking up the stairs yesterday.

Michael:That's the spirit! We're going to be ripped. Look at this guy on the poster.

Andy:That guy is 25 years old and has never eaten a carb in his life.

Michael:We've got this. I used to be athletic. In high school, I was on the soccer team for like two weeks before I got benched.

Andy:Michael, you got benched because you were fighting with the coach about his sunglasses.

Michael:That's beside the point. Come on, let's go show these young people what middle-aged determination looks like.

Jim:Parkour is a real sport. It's, uh, it's all about discipline and the freedom of movement through the city.

Jim:You look pretty athletic. You could probably do it.

Jim:The first rule is you have to be in great shape. The second rule is you cannot wear a backpack.

Jim:Third rule is you have to commit fully. You have to commit 100% or you'll get seriously injured.

Andy:I'm planning an elaborate parkour sequence that ends with me diving into the trash can to show the futility and danger of it all.

Michael:Parkour.

Michael:Ryan, I need you to organize all these client files by the color of their folder, then cross-reference them alphabetically by the CEO's middle name.

Ryan:Um, okay. But most of these files don't have a CEO listed, and half the folders are already mixed colors...

Michael:That's what makes it a challenge, Ryan. That's what separates the interns from the temp workers. I did this exact same task when I started here. Took me six months.

Ryan:Wait, did anyone actually use what you organized?

Michael:Use it? No. But you know what? Pam reorganized it all the next week anyway. It doesn't matter. The point is, you're learning discipline.

Jim:So Michael had his 'Monica Lewinsky incident'?

Pam:What do you mean?

Jim:Well, I figured there'd be some huge scandal, something really inappropriate...

Pam:And?

Jim:Nope. Just really bad jokes about it for the next six months.

Kelly:Wait, you're telling me Ryan had a thing with an intern? That means I'm romantically behind! I'm always supposed to be ahead!

Michael:You know what they say about Spaniard fly? It's like Spanish fly, but it makes you attracted to people from Spain.

Jim:So we're really doing this? Getting married?

Pam:Yes, Jim. We've planned this for months.

Jim:I was really hoping you'd force me into it kicking and screaming. You know, like a real wedding.

Jim:I have a dream... that one day I will be free from this marriage.

Michael:People tell me things all the time. I think it's because of my cheekbones. They're very angular, very well-defined. Scientists say that angular cheekbones are a sign of a trustworthy person. It's science.

Michael:I got tricked into fake sport. The name was so ridiculous I should have known. It was called 'Butt Doubles.' I didn't even question it.

Michael:My mom always said, 'Don't be a third wheel.' So I bought a unicycle.

Michael:Problem solved. No wheel to be the third of.

Andy:Stanley wasn't on my date. I saw him at the mall and I waved at him and he completely ignored me.

Michael:Stanley, you're not having a midlife crisis. You'd have to live to be 150 for this to be the midpoint of your life.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Stanley was with his sister? His sister? Oh my God. Stanley, you can't just be out in public like that with your sister.

Stanley:What are you talking about?

Michael:I'm just saying, people are going to get the wrong idea. You two were holding hands, hugging... that's not appropriate.

Stanley:It's my sister!

Michael:I know, I know. But you have to think about how it looks.

Michael:You know what? I love this. I love having this secret. It makes me feel like I'm part of something important, like I'm in the inner circle.

Michael:But honestly? I don't even care if it's true. I just like having something to talk about. I like the attention. I'd rather have everyone mad at me than have nobody paying attention at all.

Michael:So Stanley, how was your weekend? Do anything... fun? With anyone... special?

Stanley:It was fine.

Michael:Just fine? Not, like, romantically fine? With a woman who is not your wife?

Stanley:What are you talking about?

Michael:I'm just saying, if you were seeing someone, I would be cool with it. Very cool. I wouldn't judge. I might even want details.

Michael:Stanley, this is a real opportunity. The casting director is very interested in you.

Stanley:I'm not interested in your stupid movie.

Michael:Stanley, come on. Just read the sides. It's a very natural scene.

Michael:Okay, now we need you to take off your shirt for this next part.

Stanley:What? No.

Michael:It's for the movie, Stanley. Very tasteful. The camera will pan up.

Michael:Okay, now the pants.

Michael:Stanley, we need to talk about what's been going on in this office.

Stanley:What are you talking about?

Michael:The gossip. The drama. It's like we're living in a Real Housewives episode.

Stanley:That's ridiculous.

Michael:Is it? Because last week you told Phyllis that Kevin told Oscar that Ryan was in Accounting's business. This is exactly like Real Housewives.

Stanley:My nurse, she's great. We go on long walks together.

Stanley:Well, long for me. We walk on the treadmill.

Michael:You know what? I can't undo the gossip. So the only solution is to spread more gossip. Confuse people. Make them think I said something different. Create chaos.

Michael:I'm going to tell everyone that Jim is actually a robot. And that Pam is a time traveler. And that Ryan invented fire.

Michael:This is like that scene in Spartacus where he says 'I am Spartacus.' We all need to stand up and say 'I am Spartacus.'

Jim:That's not what that scene means.

Michael:Yes it does, Jim. It's about courage and standing together.

Dwight:Actually, they were all claiming to be Spartacus to protect the real Spartacus.

Michael:Exactly. So we all say we are Spartacus to protect... whoever needs protecting. That's beautiful.

Michael:anorexitec

Andy:Look, just because I've gone to three Beyoncé concerts doesn't mean I'm gay.

Andy:That's just a coincidence.

Andy:If Brad Pitt came up to me and was like, 'Hey, let's go back to my place,' I would say no. But if he was like, 'Hey, let's just get coffee,' I think I'd have to go.

Oscar:I'm not responsible for straight men's insecurities.

Dwight:If you're ever stranded on a desert island, you call me. Day or night. I have extensive survival training.

Intern:Um, okay, but I'm probably not going to be stranded on a desert island.

Dwight:That's what they all say. Until they are.

Dwight:You will achieve great success in your careers. One of you will become a regional manager. Another will start his own paper company. And one of you... will become a mother.

Intern:What?

Dwight:I'm kidding. That's not possible. Yet.

Angela:Well, I suppose congratulations are in order, though I must say, in my day, we didn't celebrate children born out of wedlock. It's a moral failing, plain and simple.

Creed:I've been worried about my asthma affecting my scuba diving.

Creed:But then I realized - scuba diving IS my entire life purpose.

Oscar:I heard a rumor that I'm actually a secret agent for the CIA.

Dwight:Michael, I need to talk to you about this rumor going around that I use store-bought manure on my beets.

Michael:Dwight, I don't know anything about that.

Dwight:Well, it's false. I make my own manure. I've been composting for years. It's all organic, all natural, all Schrute Farm.

Michael:That's... that's great, Dwight.

Dwight:Damn right it is. My manure is superior to anything you can buy. I take great pride in it.

Michael:I started that rumor about myself being a J.Crew model. It's not true, but I wanted people to think I was cool.

Michael:I mean, look at me. Do I look like a J.Crew model? No. But for like three weeks, people thought I did.

Michael:You know, modeling is a very difficult industry. I was a model for a short time, and let me tell you, the setbacks... the rejections... it really takes a toll on you.

Michael:So when someone calls me a model, it's not a compliment. It's like they're reminding me of all those painful memories from our industry.

Kevin:I could tell Pam was pregnant because of the way she was carrying. Also, her breasts were huge.

Michael:Oh my God, is that the baby's penis?

Pam:No, Michael, that's the umbilical cord.

Michael:Pam, I know what a penis looks like.

Michael:I feel like I'm being left out of this pregnancy. I mean, I'm the one who encouraged you guys to have a baby in the first place.

Pam:You're right, Michael. This is your pregnancy too.

Michael:Hello? Yes, this is Michael Scott.

Michael:Oh hi Cynthia! How are you?

Intern:So I learned that a ream of paper is 500 sheets, and—wait, no. I didn't learn anything.

Intern:During my internship, I learned a lot from Michael Scott. He taught me that you can say almost anything to anyone if you smile and call them your friend.

Michael:That's right. I'm like a mentor to all my employees. We're a family here.

Intern:He also taught me that diversity is important, right before he made a joke about my last name that he thought was hilarious but was actually just offensive.

Michael:See? I'm very culturally aware.