The Meeting

Michael:Oscar, I heard you're having some kind of procedure. Is everything okay?

Oscar:Yeah, it's just a routine colonoscopy.

Michael:Oh thank God. For a second there I thought it was something serious.

Michael:So Oscar, I heard you had a colonoscopy. What was that like?

Oscar:It was fine, Michael. Standard procedure.

Michael:But like, what did it feel like? I mean, the sensations...

Oscar:I'm not going to describe the sensations of a colonoscopy to you, Michael.

Michael:Why not? I'm genuinely curious about the medical experience.

Oscar:Because that would be weird and inappropriate.

Michael:How is that inappropriate? It's a medical procedure!

Michael:So the doctor said it would be pleasurable? For him or for me?

Michael:Because I gotta tell you, that does not sound right.

Michael:Okay, so before we do this, we need to establish a safe word. You know, in case things get too intense.

Doctor:A safe word? This is a colonoscopy, not a... it's a medical procedure.

Michael:Exactly. And I need to feel safe. What if you hit a sensitive area? I'm gonna need to say something and you stop immediately.

Doctor:Sir, I can't just stop in the middle of a colonoscopy because you say a safe word.

Michael:Well, that's not very safe, is it?

Michael:Oscar, I have a very important question. During a colonoscopy, what's the safe word?

Oscar:There is no safe word.

Michael:Why not?

Oscar:Because it's a medical procedure.

Michael:I would love to stay, but I have some very important work to do.

Jim:No, you don't.

Michael:You're right, I don't. But I'm going to go do it anyway.

Michael:I'm not worried about missing that meeting. You know why? Because I don't need to be in every meeting. That's like saying I need to go to the bathroom every time someone else does. Sometimes you just gotta let people handle their own business.

Michael:Pam, what do you know about this meeting?

Pam:I don't know anything, Michael.

Michael:That's what I thought. Babies inherit personality traits through breast milk, you know. It's science.

Pam:That's not... that's not how that works.

Michael:False. Completely false. My mother breastfed me, and look at me now. I'm a winner.

Michael:Breast milk, you gotta love it. I mean, it's the best milk.

Pam:Michael, I'm actually nursing, so could you maybe not talk about that right now?

Michael:Oh, okay. Sorry, Pam. I didn't know.

Darryl:Just walk away, Dwight.

Dwight:If I walk away, then the communists have won. And I'm not about to let Sweden take this one.

Dwight:Sweden? Communist Sweden? They have universal healthcare, free education, subsidized childcare. It's a socialist nightmare!

Dwight:Everyone has access to quality medical care regardless of income. It's un-American!

Dwight:And their life expectancy is higher than ours. Their infant mortality rate is lower. Their citizens report higher satisfaction with their healthcare system.

Dwight:It's a disaster.

Dwight:A doctor's note? From who, Julius Erving?

Jim:Hey man, where's that birthday cake at? I've been waiting for that cake all day.

Dwight:That's not what Darryl sounds like.

Jim:Yeah, I'm a big fan of hardboiled detective novels. You know, that noir style.

Jim:It was a dark and stormy night. I walked into her office. She had legs that went all the way down to the floor. I said, 'Listen dollface, I'm gonna need answers.'

Michael:I'm leaving. No, wait. Actually, I'm staying. No, I'm leaving.

Michael:Flippity-flop!

Michael:I'm out.

Michael:I've been working really hard. I even came in on Saturday.

Michael:I left my phone here.

Kelly:Oh my god, you're so fat now! Like, I've never seen you like this. Your boobs are huge!

Pam:We invited everyone knowing most couldn't make the drive. It's brilliant, really. We get to say we invited them, but we know they won't come because it's too far away.

Kelly:I'm not going to the wedding if Ryan's not going. It's a waste of time.

Kelly:Wait, did I just say that out loud?

Andy:My sales numbers are down because I've been dealing with some personal stuff. My cousin and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, if you know what I mean.

Andy:Oh, I got an email from my cousin. He says, 'Hey Andy, I'm coming to town next week. Want to get together and play with my wood?'

Michael:I don't believe in planning. Plans are just lists of things that don't happen.

Michael:But I do have this amazing idea for a cheese cart that comes around the office every Thursday at 2 PM with artisanal cheeses, and we grade them on a scale of 1 to 10, and whoever guesses the most correctly wins a Sandals Jamaica vacation package.

Michael:I have a plan. I'm going to hide in a cheese cart and wheel myself out of here. It's foolproof.

Michael:Some might call it ridiculous. I call it elegant.

Michael:This is a fromage très magnifique from Wisconsin, a great city known for its parmesan.

Michael:Ah yes, a delightful pairing. You have your Goldfish—a common cracker, some might say pedestrian—but when you introduce them to a nice blue cheese dressing, you get this beautiful aquatic experience. The Goldfish are swimming, you see, in their natural habitat. It's like watching a nature documentary, except it's in a bowl and you can eat it.

Michael:That's a diesel-electric locomotive, probably a GE Evolution series based on the sound profile.

David:Actually, that's a steam locomotive. You can tell by the chuffing pattern and the whistle frequency. Completely different era of rail technology.

David Brent:I've got this train set, right? Spent thousands on it. Got all the little houses, the people, the trees. But you know what I added last week? A slaughterhouse. Just casually stuck it in between the village green and the station. Nobody even noticed.

Michael:David, I'd love to see your train project.

David:Oh, it's no big deal. I also have a slaughterhouse.

Dwight:Jim, look! He's faking it! He just walked without limping!

Jim:Dwight, he's going to the bathroom.

Dwight:Exactly! A man with a real back injury cannot walk to the bathroom without limping. I've caught him red-handed!

Michael:Wait, you're not Darryl. You're... oh my God. I called you Darryl's sister a... a...

Darryl's sister:Yeah, you did.

Michael:I am so sorry. That was completely inappropriate and frankly, I don't even remember what I said, but I'm sure it was terrible.

Ryan:Seventy-five dollars? That's like, three bottles of Cristal.

Michael:Jim has great management potential. He's like Big Bird, you know, tall, yellow, works great with kids.

Michael:You know what? Jim is like Big Bird. He's tall, he's yellow, he's... he's got that long neck.

Jim:I'm not yellow, Michael.

Michael:Well, not literally. But in terms of management hierarchy, Big Bird reports to Mr. Snuffleupagus, who reports to... actually, I have no idea how Sesame Street is organized. But I'm definitely Oscar the Grouch. I'm in a trash can of responsibility.

Michael:Let me read this performance review Jim wrote about himself. 'I am an excellent employee. I show up on time, I do my job well, and I deserve a raise.' Well, that's... that's completely accurate.

Michael:Wow, a promotion? That's... that's huge. I mean, this is everything I've been working for.

Michael:I'm gonna have to call my tax guy. And my mom. They're gonna want to weigh in on this.

Jim:The last time Michael tried to help me with something, he showed up at my marathon.

Jim:He was at mile 23 with a megaphone, screaming, 'You're almost there, Jim! Only 3 more miles!'

Jim:Which, mathematically, is correct, but emotionally, at that point in a marathon, it's devastating information.

Michael:You know what? Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was actually ambidextrous? True fact. He could write with both hands. That's why he was such a great president.

Jim:I tried to keep Michael out of the promotion discussion, but it doesn't matter. Michael's destructive power isn't limited by information. He could walk into a room knowing absolutely nothing about what's going on and still somehow make everything worse.

Darryl:Wait, wait, wait. You thought my sister was me? How do you mix that up? She's a woman.

Jim:Well, from a distance—

Darryl:From a distance? I'm a man. She's a woman. That's not a distance thing. That's a eyes thing.

Michael:Jim's review is completely invalid. You know why? Because Toby wrote it.

Michael:Toby has had it out for me since day one. He probably told Jim to give me a bad review just to get to me.

Michael:It's a conspiracy. A Toby conspiracy.

Michael:Jim, listen to me. I'm going to destroy you. I'm going to ruin your career, I'm going to—

Police Officer:Sir, we need you to step away from the phone.

Michael:Wait, what? No, no, no, you don't understand. I'm in the middle of something very important here.

Dwight:I've been investigating Darryl's so-called 'forklift accident' for three days now. And I've uncovered several inconsistencies in his statement.

Dwight:First, he claims he was injured on a Tuesday. But the forklift maintenance log shows it was serviced on a Wednesday.

Dwight:Second, he's been limping on his left leg. Yet the accident report indicates the injury was on the right side.

Dwight:And third — and this is the smoking gun — I found a receipt from a massage therapist dated the day before his injury claim. The massage therapist specializes in... fake injuries.

Dwight:Case closed. Darryl is a fraud.

Dwight:I'm going to file a complaint about you.

Darryl:For what?

Dwight:For falsely claiming that you work in the warehouse.

Darryl:Oh yeah? Well I'm going to file a complaint that you're unstable and potentially dangerous.

Darryl:Dwight, if you keep this up, I'm gonna file a sexual harassment complaint.

Dwight:Oh, please. I would love to see you try. I have extensive documentation of every interaction we've had. Emails, memos, recorded conversations. You won't win.

Michael:I need you to hit me. Just... hit me. I sabotaged Jim and I deserve it.

Dwight:Finally, something I can do.

Jim:Instead, you screwed me?

Michael:That's what she said.

Stanley:So we're both co-managers?

Michael:Yes.

Stanley:Co-managers of what?

Michael:Of the office.

Stanley:So that makes us... co-manager... butts?

Michael:No, it makes us co-managers.

Stanley:You just said co-manager butts.

Michael:No I didn't.

Pam:He kind of did.

Jim:Yeah, Michael, you said butt.

Michael:I said co-manager, not butt!

Dwight:Everyone heard you say butt, Michael.

Pam:Creed, I really need to know if you're coming to the wedding. The caterer needs a final headcount.

Creed:I'll be there. Or I won't. Depends on if I'm in town. Or in jail.

Pam:Okay, but I need a yes or no answer right now.

Creed:I already told you. Yes or no. Those are both acceptable answers.

Creed:I'm not going to the wedding. I'm just gonna show up at the reception and pretend I was there the whole time.

Pam:That's not how weddings work, Creed.