Secret Santa

Michael:Andy, you can't keep talking like that in the office. It's unprofessional.

Andy:What? I was just saying I have a tummy ache.

Michael:Exactly. A tummy ache. You're a grown man. It's called a stomach ache.

Andy:My tummy feels all rumble-bumpy.

Michael:Stop it.

Andy:Baby talk is actually the superior form of communication. It's more efficient, more expressive, and honestly, more mature than what you people do.

Andy:For example, when I'm intimate with my wife, I don't say 'Let's have intercourse.' I say 'Let's make the boom-boom.' It's cleaner, it's more respectful, and it shows emotional intelligence.

Andy:That's what being an adult is really about.

Michael:Andy, you have been using baby talk. Let me read off your infractions. You said 'blankie' instead of 'blanket'. You said 'nappy' instead of 'diaper'. You said 'Whode Island' instead of 'Rhode Island'.

Andy:I'm not childish!

Andy:Sowwy.

Michael:You can't use baby talk in the workplace, Andy. If you say you're going to hire babies, I have to hire actual infants. I can't have that on my conscience.

Andy:I'm not bad at my job, I'm just... selective about which tasks I prioritize.

Michael:Thank you, thank you very much.

Andy:Oh, come on. That Elvis thing? Really? You sound like you're having a stroke.

Michael:Thank you, thank you very much.

Michael:You know what? I'm done apologizing for how I talk.

Andy:Yeah, me too. This is who we are.

Michael:That's what she said.

Andy:Nailed it.

Andy:Okay, I'm going to be your doctor now. Dr. Tuna M.D.

Andy:The M.D. stands for Medical Doctor.

Andy:You have a severe case of the Mondays.

Andy:I'm prescribing you a weekend, stat.

Andy:And if that doesn't work, we'll try a vacation day.

Andy:We need to get him to a hospital immediately!

Dwight:Wait. I have a better idea.

Andy:What could possibly be better than a hospital?

Dwight:We make him Employee of the Month.

Andy:How is that going to help?

Dwight:The healing power of recognition and achievement. It cures everything.

Andy:That's insane.

Dwight:Is it? Or is modern medicine just afraid of the truth?

Andy:Awesome places that had an Employee of the Month program: Enron, WorldCom, Lehman Brothers.

Jim:Michael, why do you have a folder called 'Beach Body Solutions'?

Michael:That's... that's just fitness stuff. I'm very committed to my health.

Jim:It contains 47 pictures of you in a Speedo from 2003.

Michael:Those are research photos. For a very serious project.

Michael:It wasn't me! My email got hacked. Someone subscribed me to like 47 porn sites.

Jim:Michael, your password is 'Password1'.

Michael:Well, that's not the point, Jim. A hacker could have—

Dwight:I've already traced the IP address. It originated from your desk at 2 AM.

Michael:I was working late! On company business!

Michael:I did something terrible. Worse than murder.

Jim:What? What did you do?

Michael:I missed Pam's birthday party.

Michael:You know what's worse than murder?

Dwight:What?

Michael:Pam not being here.

Jim:I doubled my sales.

Michael:That's great! From what, 2 to 4?

Dwight:Jim's downfall will come swiftly. By next quarter, his sales numbers will plummet. By the end of the year, he'll be demoted. And by spring, he'll be gone. I've already begun the process.

Michael:Scott's Tots? What is Scott's Tots?

Michael:Oh my God. These are the kids I promised to pay for their college tuition ten years ago.

Michael:I can't believe it's been ten years.

Michael:I promised to pay for their college tuition. I didn't. But I think it's generous that I even made the promise in the first place.

Michael:I have some good news.

Michael:I'm not going to kill myself.

Dwight:Jim, I've been meaning to tell you something. You have excellent beard potential. If you ever decided to grow one out, it would be magnificent. Thick, full, probably a nice auburn color. You're welcome for the feedback.

Dwight:You know, Jim, you have a very nice tie. I've always thought so.

Jim:Really?

Dwight:No, not at all. I was just trying to see if I could manipulate you.

Dwight:The ideal Employee of the Month prize would be a ceremonial dagger. It's both a recognition of achievement and a practical tool for eliminating threats in the workplace.

Jim:Dwight, that's insane.

Dwight:Not insane, Jim. Strategic. A dagger is perfect because it requires you to be close to your target, which means you can look them in the eye as you... demonstrate your superiority.

Pam:Why would you want to look someone in the eye while attacking them?

Dwight:Because a true warrior respects his opponent. Also, a dagger between the third and fourth rib is more efficient if you're close enough to see their pupils dilate.

Michael:Okay, you know what? I don't think I'm feeling well. I think I might have... mono. Yeah, mono. Can you get mono twice?

Michael:Also, my car just broke down. In the parking lot. I saw it happen. Very tragic.

Michael:And I just remembered I have a... a very important meeting. With my lawyer. About my lawsuit.

Phyllis:Jim said that? About my work? He's never... I mean, he usually just ignores me or makes fun of me.

Jim:And the Employee of the Month is... me!

Jim:I rigged it.

Kevin:Wait, Jim won? But... how? I was... I mean, that's not... *makes confused noises* Why would they... I don't understand the rules.

Dwight:You said there was no cash prize, but now there is. That's hypocritical.

Jim:Dwight, that's not what happened.

Dwight:I'm looking at the facts, Jim. You lied.

Michael:I need to tell you all something about the tuition.

Michael:You know, I have a really good intuition about these things.

Michael:And my intuition is telling me... it's not tuition, it's in-tuition.

Michael:I want to apologize to each and every one of you personally. Zion, great job. And you...

Student:Hi, I'm Marcus.

Michael:Marcus, fantastic work.

Michael:Look, I'm not great with money. When I was young, I thought I'd be rich by now. Then I thought I'd at least break even. Now I'm just hoping I die before the debt collectors find me.

Michael:I'm not a pervert. I just have a very active imagination and sometimes my mind wanders to inappropriate places, especially around children. It's like I have wet dreams but while I'm awake.

Michael:You know what? College is expensive. Have you considered online courses instead?

Michael:You can get a degree from your couch. Community college online, Khan Academy, Skillshare...

Michael:I'm basically self-taught. Well, I went to college, but I learned more from late-night infomercials than I did in class.

Michael:Just laptop batteries, not actual laptops

Michael:Hey, hey, hey. These are Energizer batteries. Energizer. The bunny? They keep going and going and going.

Stanley:What?! Pam?! She can't win Employee of the Month! I've been here for twenty years!

Stanley:This is a joke. This is a complete joke.

Michael:Pam, how did you double your sales?

Pam:Well, I just... I tried harder.

Michael:That's it? Jim doubled his sales too. What's going on here?

Pam:I guess we're both just really motivated lately.

Kevin:Mr. Wallace, hi, it's Kevin from the warehouse. Yeah, I just wanted to call and complain about some office drama. Pam won't stop looking at me weird, and Jim keeps hiding my stapler. I'm 47 years old and I shouldn't have to deal with this.

David Wallace:Kevin, I... I don't think that's really a corporate matter.

Stanley:Hello, this is Stanley Hudson calling. I am calling to lodge a formal complaint against the management of this office. Specifically, Michael Scott has created a hostile work environment and I demand immediate action.

Michael:How much are the textbooks?

Student:$300.

Michael:Oh, that's only $25 a month. That's nothing.

Student:That's... that's not how math works.

Michael:What? $300 divided by 12 months is $25. I'm helping you out here.

Student:Actually, that's not right. If you divide 12 by 3, you get 4, not 5.

Michael:Oh my God. Oh my God. Do you know how many times I've used that number in my life?

Michael:How many bad decisions have I made based on that math?

Michael:One thousand dollars? That's a lot of zeros.

David Wallace:Jim, I've received multiple complaints about your behavior. This Employee of the Month situation has gotten completely out of hand.

Jim:David, I can explain—

David Wallace:Your job is on the line here, Jim. On. The. Line.

Michael:That visit was a catastrophic disaster of epic proportions. The children were unresponsive, the teachers were hostile, and I'm fairly certain I saw a rat.

Erin:It went fine.

Michael:I promised those kids something I couldn't deliver. I feel terrible.

Erin:But Michael, they actually worked harder because of it. They all got better grades.

Michael:Really?

Erin:Yeah, sometimes a broken promise is better than no promise at all.

Michael:I have feelings about people. I care about them.

Michael:Kevin was hired to be a magician.

Ryan:Dwight, I know about your plan against Jim.

Dwight:I don't know what you're talking about.

Ryan:Really? Because I found this.

Dwight:That could be anyone's elaborate dossier with surveillance photos and a detailed timeline.