Happy Hour

Not counting the last one, 25. / Count the last one. / Okay, 25 and one girl pushup.

Anyone who does more than 25 pushups... And one girl pushup. ...gets to go home.

I say 'dance,' they say 'how high?'

Essentially what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.

He's got all this weight that's helping him go down.

All right, Papa Bear.

No. I always come in at 7:00. / No you don't.

Yeah, we talked this morning, and we talked at Christmas, so a little momentum there.

Has that ever happened? Ever? / Didn't we? I think we did.

You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.

I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats them up.

I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I love her. I also love her very much.

I did not see this coming.

Talk to me that way again and I'll cut your face off. / Whoa!

That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know... Quiet.

Well, when a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-whats fill up with you know what, and then her shirt gets, you know... That would be funny.

That would be sublime.

I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.

Pam and Jim work for me, and if they win, they are fired. / I should hope not. / No. No. Not really. Not really. But they better not win.

A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this. / Ooh. I love repartee. / Do you? / Usually means there's a battle scene coming.

See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. / What am I thinking right now? / Are you thinking that I said ESP? / Yes. I feel like an idiot.

I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.

Well, apparently Michael Scott is on a date, and that... That, my friend, changes everything.

Hi, I'm Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Do you want to just make a run for it? / Maybe.

Mommy!

Stop telling me how to spend my tickets. / They'd be like, 'What's up with those two?' 'Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.' 'Did we miss the wedding?'

Three brothers. Really? Two are in the Marines, one's a cop. / Vegetarian? / No. I love meat. / What's your blood type? / O negative. Universal donor.

Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining childbearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.

I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue. / Michael, you don't have to do this.

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk. And I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

This is exactly what I don't want. The drama. I don't want the drama! / You love drama. / I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.

No, no, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall, thick. A big, physically big family.

Wow! Maybe we should tell her he's not normally like this. / Maybe it should come from a man. / Maybe it should come from a note. / With flowers. Tomorrow.

Yeah! Why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?

We got a problem? / Yes. Homelessness.

Well, it just so happens that I'm a manager, too, and the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle, and I don't see that from you.

If you're really interested, it is called Somehow I Manage, and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover shrugging with my sleeves rolled up.

Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.

I own a Chrysler. / Shut up. / No, you shut up.

Go, go. Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.

We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers. / I was flirting with a man.

I did. I actually put it in your bowl.

Whoa! A lot of Stanley Hudsons in here.

He's more just... Like...

Let me tell you something, Oscar, all right? Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.

I wish he'd come after me. I would be like... / Dwight Schrute! / Dwight Kurt Schrute. Shut up, what?

Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me. / Did he not tell you that? / What?

Whack. / You will see me in small claims court!

Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady. / Actually you didn't. Not at all.

Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend Date Mike. Nice to meet me.