New Leads

Unknown:Do you recognize this person?

Jim:I'm flattered by the comparison.

Andy:I'm telling you, I saw Johnny Depp at the condo complex. He was looking at a two-bedroom.

Dwight:Johnny Depp? In Scranton?

Andy:Yes! He was very interested in the granite countertops.

Jim:Andy, why would Johnny Depp be house hunting in Scranton?

Andy:I don't know, Jim. Maybe he wants to be close to the paper industry. Maybe he's a big beet fan.

Andy:I know Johnny Depp. I know all about Johnny Depp.

Jim:Oh yeah? Name one movie.

Andy:Okay, um... Edward Scissorhands.

Jim:Name another one.

Andy:Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Jim:Name another one.

Andy:Um... Sleepy Hollow.

Jim:Name another one.

Andy:I... I can't.

Jim:That's what I thought. Although I did hear he was in Captain Crunch.

Andy:Jim, you don't understand. I saw John Krasinski at the mall!

Jim:Andy, that was me.

Andy:No, no, no. This was a different guy. Taller. Better looking.

Jim:Okay, well... I once thought I saw myself at Chipotle. Turned out to be a guy named Derek who works at the mall kiosk.

Andy:Look, I know what I saw. Johnny Depp was definitely in Scranton last Tuesday.

Dwight:Andy, that's insane. There's no evidence of that.

Andy:No evidence? No evidence?! I found this in my mailbox.

Andy:It's a coupon for Applebee's. Johnny Depp loves Applebee's. Boom. Case closed.

Jim:M. Night Shyamalan? I thought you said M. Shulman.

Andy:No, M. Night Shyamalan.

Jim:Oh, because that would've been a twist.

Michael:Okay everyone, I have an announcement. The lost and found has been lost.

Michael:If you've lost something, you can't find it there anymore because we've lost the lost and found.

Michael:I need everyone's undivided attention.

Andy:Sorry, I can't give you my undivided attention. It's too powerful. I'd blow your mind.

Michael:I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Andy:Michael, you need to call all six of my numbers.

Michael:Six numbers? Why would you have six numbers?

Andy:Cell phone, work phone, home phone, car phone, boat phone, and my plane phone.

Michael:Car phone? Who has a car phone?

Dwight:I am the top salesman at Dunder Mifflin. My sales record is unparalleled. I have closed more deals than any other salesman in the history of this company. Some might say my abilities are... Christ-like.

Jim:Did you just compare yourself to Jesus?

Dwight:I didn't compare myself to Jesus. I simply stated that my sales techniques are infallible and my dedication is unwavering. If that happens to align with the teachings of the savior, then so be it.

Pam:Why don't you ever answer my emails?

Jim:Because walking over to your desk takes less time than typing a response.

Jim:Wow. That's a lot of money.

Jim:I'm so impressed. Really.

Andy:Hey Jim, whatcha working on?

Jim:Just an email.

Andy:Cool, cool. To who?

Jim:Pam.

Andy:Oh nice. Love emails. So romantic.

Jim:It's about the Keurig.

Andy:Mmm, even better.

Andy:Jim's been taking a long time to write something.

Jim:I'm working on my memoirs.

Andy:Memoirs? That's ambitious.

Jim:Yeah, well, it's harder than I thought.

Andy:How hard can it be?

Jim:I've been at this for three hours and all I have is my name.

Andy:Jim, give me a pencil.

Jim:Andy, I don't have an extra pencil.

Andy:I don't care. Give me a pencil now!

Michael:That's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... or as I like to call it, a PB&J. Wait, no. A 'Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.' That's not childish enough. How about... a 'Peanut Butt and Jelly sandwich?'

Michael:Who smashed my sandwich? I can sense the guilt radiating from the sales department right now.

Michael:It's like a superpower. I'm like a guilt-detecting machine.

Michael:So I'm sitting there with my turkey sandwich, right? And I take one bite—one bite—and the whole thing just falls apart. Bread's soggy, turkey's everywhere.

Michael:But here's the thing—and I'm not saying it's a conspiracy, but I'm also not NOT saying it. What if the sandwich makers are working together? Like, what if Subway and Jimmy John's made a pact to destroy my lunch specifically?

Michael:Think about it. My sandwich falls apart. Yours probably doesn't. That's not a coincidence, that's a coordinated attack. On me. Michael Gary Scott.

Toby:You gotta do something. Get back on top.

Michael:That's what she said.

Toby:Yeah.

Andy:You numb nuts! But seriously, I need those leads.

Michael:The sales team doesn't own this place.

Dwight:Actually, Dunder Mifflin is a publicly traded company, so technically nobody owns it. The shareholders do.

Michael:Exactly. See? Nobody owns it.

Michael:You know what? I'm tired of the attitude around here. The sales team thinks they're so great, but let me tell you something...

Michael:...Dwight's too intense, Ryan's too young, and Jim...

Michael:Jim, you've been awfully quiet over there.

Michael:You can't just reward bad behavior. That's like saying if someone commits murder, I'll buy them ice cream.

Dwight:But what flavor?

Michael:That's not the point, Dwight.

Michael:If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Gabe:Okay, so you're not a fan of Toby.

Michael:Okay, everyone, I have made my decision on the lead distribution. I've decided to give all the leads to... non-salespeople.

Michael:Why? Because today, I am declaring everyone in this office royalty. You are all princes and princesses.

Michael:And princes and princesses don't need leads. They have people.

Jim:What is this?

Michael:It's a scavenger hunt. I've hidden 12 clues around the office. When you find them all, you'll get your sales leads.

Jim:Michael, I need the leads now.

Michael:That's what makes it fun. See, the journey is the destination. You go to the break room, you find a clue that tells you to go to the supply closet. In the supply closet, there's another clue. And so on and so forth.

Michael:By the time you get to the last clue, you'll have learned something about yourself. And also, you'll have your leads.

Michael:You see, the way I teach is like a circle. You start at point A, you learn the material, then you get to point B where you apply it, then you circle back to point A to reinforce the learning, which then takes you to point C, and point C is actually just point A again but you understand it differently now, so really you're at point D, which is between A and B, or possibly after C. The point is—I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Michael:Jim, look at this clue.

Jim:Michael, that's just a picture of a chair.

Michael:Exactly. But is it really a chair?

Jim:Yes. Yes it is.

Michael:Or is it a METAPHOR?

Michael:Andy, what are you doing at your desk? It's 2 PM on a Friday.

Andy:I'm just finishing up some reports, Michael.

Michael:Reports? Andy, you need to learn how to think outside the box.

Andy:I am thinking outside the box.

Michael:No, you're not. You're literally sitting in a box right now. That's a cubicle.

Michael:Andy, I need you to fill out these forms for all our leads.

Andy:Okay, what information do you need?

Michael:Everything. Name, address, phone number, preferred contact method, birth date, mother's maiden name, blood type, favorite color...

Andy:Michael, why do we need blood type and favorite color?

Michael:Because I said so. Just fill them out.

Andy:This is going to take forever.

Michael:Welcome to Dunder Mifflin.

Andy:You don't know anything about the Kardashians.

Stanley:I know plenty about the Kardashians.

Andy:Name one Kardashian.

Stanley:Kim.

Andy:That's it? Just Kim?

Stanley:There's also Kourtney, Khloé, Kylie, and Kendall.

Andy:Okay, fine. What's Kim's most famous relationship?

Stanley:Kanye West.

Andy:Before that.

Stanley:Kris Humphries.

Andy:How long were they married?

Stanley:72 days.

Andy:See? You do know about the Kardashians.

Jim:What is your sad place?

Pam:The parking lot lamp. Michael thinks it's a beacon that guides lost souls to the office.

Jim:That's... specific.

Pam:He's mentioned it. Multiple times. In detail.

Michael:I'm a love doctor. I've created a romantic moment that will echo through the halls of Dunder Mifflin forever.

Michael:Pam and Jim are going to remember this day for the rest of their lives. And they're going to thank me.

Michael:This is what management is all about. Creating magic. Creating moments.

Jim:You won't give me leads because I'm a jerk salesman?

Phyllis:I hope you die.

Michael:Okay, you're cold. You're getting warmer. Warmer. You're hot. You're very hot now.

Jim:Michael, this is just a filing cabinet.

Michael:I know, but you're so hot right now. Keep going, you're getting hotter.

Jim:I'm literally just standing here.

Michael:Don't stop. You're almost there. That's it. Right there. Yes. Oh yes.

Dwight:Jim! What are you doing?

Jim:Oh, hey Dwight. I'm just working on this scavenger hunt.

Dwight:A scavenger hunt? Ha! Looks like the prankster has become the pranked!

Dwight:The first President of the United States...

Dwight:Abraham Lincoln.

Michael:What do you call an animal that never breeds?

Andy:Kevin.

Kevin:You can't find the leads? That's hilarious.

Andy:Kevin, this is serious. We need those leads.

Kevin:Oh, I know it's serious. That's what makes it so funny.

Andy:Please, just tell me where they are.

Kevin:I'm enjoying this too much to stop now.

Kevin:The leads are in the trash.

Andy:In the trash? What does that mean? Is that code?

Kevin:No, I literally threw them away.

Andy:Wait, so when you say 'in the trash,' you mean... in the trash?

Meredith:I'm starting to take my clothes off.

Meredith:I'm taking off my dress.

Someone:Meredith, no, don't take off your dress.

Meredith:Too late. It's already off.

Kevin:I emptied the trash because we need to maintain proper waste management protocols.

Kevin:Plus, I was concerned about the lack of culinary diversity in our office snacks. We keep throwing away perfectly good international cuisine samples, and it's frankly a travesty against gastronomic multiculturalism.

Creed:It's the day The Bachelor is on, so it's Tuesday.

Michael:I'm gonna tell them that one of our staff members screwed up.

Jim:Michael, you are the staff member.

Michael:Come on, everyone! We're going to go dump diving! It's going to be fun!

Toby:I don't eat meat, so I'll just be looking for vegetables.

Michael:Toby, that's not the point.

Michael:You're all complicit. You're like... accessories. No, successories. You know what I mean — you help me succeed, but you're also an accessory to my crimes.

Michael:You remember when you first started here? You were so eager, so hungry.

Dwight:I was a young sapling, reaching for the sun.

Michael:Yeah, and now you're a bonsai tree.

Michael:You see, an acorn is just a nut in a tree's butt. It will always be an acorn. It can never become an oak tree.

Dwight:That's not true. An acorn is a seed.

Michael:No, Dwight, I have acorns in my gutters right now. And they're still acorns. They haven't become anything.

Jim:Look at this one — he's wearing the tiniest onesie.

Angela:...That is pretty small.

Andy:You know, we could just outsource all the non-sales people. I'm talking accounting, HR, customer service. Why are we even paying them? We could get someone in India to do it for like a tenth of the price.

Dwight:You used to be so wide-eyed and innocent.

Andy:My eyes aren't wide-set, Dwight. They're actually quite close together.

Dwight:If I wasn't in sales, I'd probably be a horse breeder. I'd have my own stable, breed championship thoroughbreds. But then I realized that takes years, so instead I'd be a veterinarian. But that requires medical school, so I'd be a stable hand. But that's minimum wage, so I'd just own the stable. But then the stable burns down, and I lose everything. And I'm left with nothing but a legless horse and a dream.

Dwight:I could have had any woman in this office. Any one of them. But I was too focused on my beet farm and my martial arts training.

Andy:Dwight, that's not true. You could have—

Dwight:Don't patronize me, Andy. I'm talking about a hypothetical wife. She would have been incredible. Beautiful, strong, loyal.

Andy:Okay, but—

Dwight:And if you ever speak ill of her again, I will end you.

Dwight:Andy, I'm going to say this once, and I'm going to say it clearly. If you ever disrespect me again, I will make it my personal mission to destroy you. And not in a fun, competitive way. In a way that involves the authorities and a lot of paperwork.

Dwight:That's my spool!

Andy:Okay, so we need to figure out what to get as a peace offering.

Erin:Oh! I know! You should get them a unicorn!

Andy:Erin, we can't get them a unicorn.

Erin:Why not? Everyone loves unicorns. I love unicorns. You love unicorns.

Andy:I don't love unicorns.

Erin:Well, you should. Or get them a mermaid. Mermaids are half unicorn.

Michael:You know, beavers are actually incredible engineers. They build dams that can span hundreds of feet. It's amazing what they can accomplish.

Michael:But let's be honest, they're still just beavers.

Stanley:What is all this? You trying to show off?

Jim:No, no Stanley. I just thought, you know, maybe we could start fresh. I brought some of your favorite snacks, some drinks. I'm trying to make peace here.

Stanley:Peace offering?

Jim:Yeah, exactly. It's a symbol. You know, breaking bread together, sharing food—it's one of humanity's oldest traditions. It brings people together.

Andy:So about that 2% commission deal we have—

Jim:Milk. We were just talking about milk.

Andy:Right, right. Milk.

Jim:And that's it. Nothing more.

Michael:Okay, we're looking for something purple for Phyllis.

Dwight:Purple. Got it.

Michael:She loves purple.

Dwight:Of course she does.

Michael:I'm thinking we do a photo shoot here at the dump. You know, juxtapose the beauty of the human spirit against the ugliness of... garbage.

Michael:And the caption will be something like... 'Even in the darkest places, there is light.'

Dwight:That's... actually not terrible.

Michael:*gestures dramatically* Even in the darkest places... there is LIGHT. *voice breaking slightly* We're all connected, Dwight. We're all... garbage.

Andy:Dibs on the beanbag chair!

Dwight:That chair is covered in mold and what appears to be human waste.

Andy:I saw it first. It's mine.

Angela:Andy, it's at a dump.

Andy:Finders keepers.

Michael:Dwight, thank you. This is... this is really nice of you.

Dwight:It's just a jacket, Michael.

Michael:No, it's more than that. It's about caring. It's about one person saying to another person, 'I notice you're cold, and I'm going to do something about it.' That's love, Dwight. That's what love is.