Nepotism

Michael:I had a great summer. I went to the beach, got a really nice tan. Found out I had skin cancer.

Michael:So that was bad. But then I got this infected wound, and I was out in the woods, no antibiotics around, so I just peed on it.

Michael:We could go see Inception. It's about a dream within a dream within a dream.

Michael:So basically, it's like my life at Dunder Mifflin.

Erin:Gabe is really great. He's successful, he's driven, he's ambitious, and height-wise, he's really... up there.

Erin:Gabe is such an amazing guy. He's so smart and powerful and in charge of everything. I just love dating someone who can fire people whenever he wants.

Erin:Wait... did I say that out loud?

Andy:I visualize a serene beach scene. Waves gently lapping against the shore, the sun setting over the horizon, and Gabe being eaten by a shark.

Angela:Kevin, the thermostat should be set to 68 degrees.

Kevin:But Angela, I'm always hot.

Angela:Yes, well, that's because you're always eating.

Jim:Wow, Dwight, nice hydration pack. Really helps you stay ahead of the competition.

Dwight:That's right. Proper hydration is key to peak performance. I can drink water hands-free while maintaining optimal productivity.

Dwight:This is my hydration pack. It allows me to remain at peak efficiency without having to leave my desk. Fact: dehydration causes a 12% loss in productivity. By wearing this pack, I estimate my output increases by 15 to 20 percent. I've also calculated the ROI on the pack itself: it paid for itself in approximately four hours of additional work. Best investment I've ever made.

Dwight:I am the Regional Manager, Assistant to the Regional Manager, volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, beet farmer, and black belt in several martial arts.

Dwight:I have won numerous awards, including Salesman of the Month seventeen times, and I speak fluent German and Mandarin Chinese.

Dwight:Wait—burn all of this. Destroy these files immediately.

Dwight:No one can ever know about any of this.

Kelly:I went to college, so I'm really smart. Like, I can answer any question.

Kelly:Blah blah blah.

Darryl:I'm gonna call you Darryl Hannah.

Luke:I brought decaf. You're welcome.

Andy:Luke keeps calling me 'Nard Dog,' but that's not even the right version of my nickname. My father used to call me 'Nard Dawg' - with a 'w'. It's completely different!

Dwight:A true leader must command respect through sheer force of will and an unwavering moral compass. I learned this from a very wise man.

Jim:Who?

Dwight:Glenn, the janitor.

Dwight:I can't hear raccoons properly. My hearing is selective.

Dwight:That's why I have this. A raccoon detection stethoscope. Military grade.

Pam:I've been planning this prank on Jim for like three years. I told him I was gonna make his pants fall down in front of everyone, and I kept saying it was for a good cause, that it would bring the office together, you know? But honestly... I just really wanted to see it happen.

Dwight:You know, Pam, your constant pranking is unprofessional and frankly, immature. Perhaps you should focus on your actual job responsibilities instead of these juvenile antics.

Dwight:That's right, Beesly—oh wait, I mean Halpert now. In any case, I find it rich that you're wasting company time with pranks when I'm the one maintaining peak physical condition with my hydration backpack and actively pursuing raccoon-hunting expeditions in my personal time.

Meredith:Your music is just... it's like Chumbawamba.

Luke:What? Chumbawamba is a real band.

Meredith:I know, but now it's a word for annoying music. Like, 'Turn off that Chumbawamba.' You've ruined their legacy.

Michael:Luke, I need you to go get ice cream for everyone.

Luke:But Michael, it's only 9 AM.

Michael:I know, but it's Melting Point Day. It's a very important holiday that I just made up.

Michael:The last time I saw my nephew was at the premiere of 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.' I remember because it was such a significant moment in my life.

Michael:The last time I saw Luke, I literally lost a child in the woods.

Michael:Okay, everyone needs to know that Luke is not a bad employee. So the sign should say 'Luke is not bad.'

Michael:Wait, that's a double negative. Let me fix it. The sign now says 'Luke is good.' Perfect.

Jim:*in Gabe's voice* 'Excuse me, I'm going to have to formally lodge a complaint about the way you looked at me. It was disrespectful and I have documentation.'

Michael:How close am I to Luke? I've changed his diaper.

Michael:Nepotism is not a bad thing. Look at Hanson. Three brothers, making music together. That's nepotism.

Michael:Would you rather have three talented brothers making music, or three strangers where one of them is a murderer?

Michael:One of them's gonna be a murderer, that's just statistics.

Michael:Nepotism? No, no, no. That's not what this is. Look, God hired Jesus. That's nepotism. And nobody says anything about that.

Michael:So what you're saying is, Jesus had an unfair advantage because God was his father. Well, I have an unfair advantage too—I'm the Regional Manager. So really, I'm like the God of this office.

Michael:Luke is not here because he's my nephew. Luke is here because he's the best candidate for the job.

Michael:And yes, he happens to be my nephew, but that's just a coincidence. A happy coincidence.

Michael:The point is, Luke earned his place here through merit alone. Not because of nepotism. That would be wrong.

Michael:Although, between you and me, he's not very good at his job. But that's not relevant to why he was hired.

Michael:It's in the genes.

Michael:(pointing to his jeans)

Jim:Yeah, because nothing says 'I love you' like trading in your ice cream for a bag of chips that taste like a shoe.

Andy:Wow, Luke, that's so cool that you went to get ice cream. Really impressive stuff, dude. You're like, totally crushing it out there.

Pam:Jim seems a little upset.

Michael:It's not a witch hunt, it's a Blair Witch Hunt Project.

Phyllis:Has anyone seen my pants? I need to return them to Nordstrom before the 30-day window closes.

Jo:You know, Gabe, I've always appreciated a man with... vertical advantages.

Gabe:Thank you, Jo.

Jo:Yeah, it makes it easier for me to look up at you. Literally. Because you're freakishly tall and I'm not.

Jo:I don't let family work for me. It's a specific rule I have.

Jo:They can use the pool, they can use the house, but they cannot work for me.

Michael:Okay, so Jo's pool is like the company, right? And the deep end is like... success. So if you want to swim in the shallow end, you're like a failure. But what if you're afraid of water? Then you're like... unemployed. Or a fish. A fish is unemployed.

Michael:I'm gonna protect you like a big brother. And I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you. You know what I mean? Like... like a suit of armor made of... tighty-whiteys.

Michael:No wait, that's not right. Um, I'm gonna protect you like a... like a big, beautiful Confederate general protecting his plantation with a moat of... sweet tea and biscuits.

Dwight:What is happening? I pressed the button for the third floor.

Dwight:The elevator is going down. Down! Why would it go down?

Dwight:This is unacceptable. I demand to know who tampered with this elevator immediately.

Dwight:Pam. Of course it was Pam.

Dwight:We're trapped. We need to ration our water intake. I can hold my urine for up to 6 hours. That gives us a window.

Dwight:I'm marking this corner as my territory.

Michael:Luke, what are you doing with that laser pointer?

Luke:I'm just pointing at the slides.

Michael:Stop it. Stop it right now.

Luke:Okay, I stopped pointing at the slides.

Michael:Then why are you still waving it around?

Luke:You said stop it. You didn't say stop waving it.

Michael:Luke, you need to learn some respect!

Luke:What are you gonna do about it?

Michael:That's it!

Creed:That's what I call justice, Scranton style!

Stanley:I don't care what Luke tweets about. At least it's not another thing about some celebrity I've never heard of.

Jim:Wait, did you actually call yourself 'The Prank Master'?

Pam:Yes! And everyone loved it.

Jim:No one calls you that.

Pam:They do now.

Jim:I can help you down from there.

Pam:Thanks, but I think I'm good.

Jim:You sure? Dwight's probably gonna need to use the bathroom soon.

Pam:Oh my god, you're right. Get me down.

Jim:Yeah, I figured.

Michael:You know, I've been thinking about this whole thing with Luke, and I realized something. Family businesses don't work. But you know what does work? A traveling circus.

Michael:Think about it. In a circus, you've got your acrobats, your clowns, your guy who gets shot out of a cannon. They're all different, they all have different skills, but they work together toward one goal.

Michael:And the best part? When things get awkward or someone messes up, they just move to the next town. Problem solved.

Michael:Wait, you're going to be my counselor?

Toby:Yes, I'm looking forward to it. This should be great.

Michael:No, no, no. Toby, you can't be my counselor. That's a conflict of interest.

Toby:I think it'll actually be really therapeutic for both of us. I'm excited about this opportunity.