Classy Christmas

Not everyone jumped. Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go. One, two, three. Still some people not jumping.

I am jumping. You are? Let me see you jump. Yes, I'm jumping. Oh, my God. This is a store-bought camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.

Also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three.' I didn't want to miss it.

Here's a question nobody's asking, is this worth it? Don't answer that.

I'm the office administrator now, which means I'm basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head, I shut it down.

At its worst it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties.

So, Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?

Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I'm doing fine.

My kids are growing up. As a boss, I look at that and I say, 'Great.' It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that's what I want. That's what every boss wants, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.

Hello Kitty's for girls. Nashua got mp3 players. Yeah, I don't even have a laptop.

I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white. Come on. I said 'I wonder.' I didn't say 'I think.'

iCarly... You know who's funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He's got a nice way of talking.

Oh, my God! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams? It's not even a real snow. Look, it's a dusting. It's pitiful.

Well, it's not a snowball, 'cause it's only a dusting. Right?

Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You could have killed me! Don't be such a baby. Yeah, who's a little girl now?

Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter. You got it. That sounds awesome. Can we all do it? No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it.

I wouldn't subject Robert to that. He's a very busy senator. State senator.

We went to a picnic thrown by the comptroller's wife. Oh. That would be impressive if anyone knew what a comptroller was.

Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony? I do. Two.

Because you've been on the lam? Because the boring police have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?

Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!

He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck! Scranton Strangler!

Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty.

That was the worst joke ever.

How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover. And was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future? She's one sassy black lady.

Thank you. Thank you, Scranton Strangler. I love you! You just took one more person's breath away.

The name is Bond. Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan.

Could you just stop moving your calves so much while you're talking?

Could he help us with some parking tickets? I don't think that's appropriate. Well, then he's not a senator.

No, no, no, no! Fake tree. No! Holly's coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it's a burning cross.

I would, but I don't want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party. Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It's just us.

Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.

You know Darryl? Yeah. He works here. We all know him.

I thought I was enough family for my daughter.

Thank you for your interest in my truck.

I've looked her up online. There's nothing about her. She's made no impression on the Internet.

I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we're just talking.

I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.

And, then... 'How about icing it? LOL. Dwight.'

Well, well, well, if it isn't Michael Scott. You old bastard. Well, I never thought I'd see your face around these parts, you old bastard! Well, I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard. Why, you're some sort of wise guy, huh? I most certainly am. Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk... D'oh! Oh, Homey.

Oh, huggy monster! Oh, not the huggy monster! I don't want to die! I don't want to die!

Oh, it's so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super-classy. It's like a party for limousine drivers.

Oh, I love... A.J. gave me that. Well, that's understandable. Still raw.

You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy's mom. Why? Because without Andy's mom, there's no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie.

A.J. said he hadn't seen any of the Toy Story movies. You're kidding me. No. I know. I'm like, 'What? Are you serious?' What a douche bag! Get a life!

He had a little note pinned to him that said, 'You've got a friend in me.' Yeah, Randy Newman's the best. Yeah. I love him. Me, too.

I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.

Well, Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents.

Who told you that? Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made.

Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.

Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you're gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.

There's no connection between the origin story and the quest. We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise it's the bear's quest.

I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don't. And that's just the way it is. And I can be mature about that.

The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny, but it also would have been incredibly tragic.

So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around slo-mo drinking latte.

So you went homemade this year. Yep. Yeah. Money problems. Is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don't think we can help you out.

You don't think... It's not possible that Woody did this to himself? It is Christmas. No, it really seems like something Michael would do.

When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, 'Michael, I love you, but I can't do this.' But then, with this other guy, you don't have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you?

Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!

Damn it, Dwight! Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim?

I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... That is the life.

How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number? I don't know. Do you know the other state?

Well, it turns out she's burning up because the star is right behind her ear! And the game's over seconds later.

Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.

I am dead inside.

Oh, my God. You like it? I love it. Yep, I do make great Christmas gifts.

A.J. won't commit to Holly. And she's gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose to her by the end of the year, it's over. And I don't know about you, but I don't know a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum. Do you?

You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch. You're a psychopath.

You're re-gifting this to me. No, that's not... No, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you. Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt. From the mall. This is a fast food receipt from April.

I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him. He smells awful. It was blue cheese dressing.

In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.