Ultimatum

Dwight:We are completely different from Guardian Angels.

Dwight:We're basically identical.

Dwight:Mission accomplished. I caught the Strangler.

Jim:Dwight, we didn't catch anyone. That guy turned himself in.

Dwight:Semantics.

Dwight:Go ahead, laugh. I know what you're thinking. But let me tell you something — *forced laugh* — I'm laughing first. So the joke's on you.

Dwight:You were mocking Michael's voice just now.

Jim:No I wasn't.

Dwight:Yes you were. That ridiculous impression.

Jim:Dwight, that's actually how he talks.

Dwight:Fine. I'll read the minutes from last week's meeting.

Jim:Oh come on, Dwight, you're going to love this.

Dwight:I highly doubt that, Jim.

Jim:Trust me, it's hilarious.

Dwight:...You know what? That actually was kind of fun.

Michael:Everyone, this is Holly Flax, our new HR representative from the Nashua branch.

Michael:She's smart, she's funny, she's... she's beautiful.

Michael:I mean, not just beautiful on the outside, but beautiful on the inside too.

Michael:She's like the total package. She's got it all.

Michael:I think I'm in love with her.

Michael:If Holly's engaged, I'm gonna be devastated. If she's not engaged, I'm gonna be thrilled. Either way, I'm gonna need a scotch.

Michael:Hello. I'm Michael Scott, and I'm here to talk to you about the importance of... of believing in yourself. You see, I used to be just like you—insecure, afraid, and... wooden.

Michael:But then I realized something. Life is all about... hard wood. No, that's not—I mean, about working hard. Being hard-working. Not about wood.

Michael:The point is, you need to really apply yourself. Really... apply. Get some lacquer. Stain yourself. I mean, improve yourself!

Michael:This is a message from your boss. I want you to know that I care about each and every one of you. You are the heart and soul of this company. Without you, we would be nothing. So I'm asking you to give 110% every single day because—

Michael:Wait, is that a pimple on my neck? Oh my God. That's disgusting. That's a huge pimple. Why didn't anybody tell me about this? This is so gross.

Angela:Erin, what is this?

Erin:It's my New Year's resolution board!

Angela:And you made all of these yourself?

Angela:Sue from Vance Refrigeration? Oh, she's just so... [casual cruel detail about her appearance/habits/life]. I mean, nobody really talks about it, but it's just there, you know?

Michael:I have my emotional preparation items. Red Starbursts for anger, yellow for happiness, orange for fear, and pink for jealousy.

Michael:It's not that arbitrary.

Erin:Ukuleles are for happiness.

Michael:No, Erin. Ukuleles are for smashing.

Michael:What if Paula Poundstone calls me up on stage? I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably just stand there like an idiot.

Michael:She'd say something funny, and I'd try to laugh but it would come out all weird. Like, 'Hehehehe,' you know?

Michael:And then she'd look at me like I'm insane, and the whole audience would be silent. Dead silent.

Michael:And I'd be sweating. Profusely. My shirt would be completely soaked through.

Jim:Well, I'm excited for Michael either way. If he doesn't get the corporate job, he stays here and we all get to keep working with him. And if he does get it... Holly becomes Regional Manager.

Jim:Which would be a huge mistake.

Michael:Holly, I didn't know you were engaged!

Holly:What? I'm not engaged.

Michael:The mittens, Holly. The mittens on your hands. That's an engagement thing.

Holly:Michael, those are just mittens. It's winter.

Michael:Right, right. Matching mittens. That's what couples do. Jim and Pam do that.

Michael:Can I feel your mittens? They look really soft.

Holly:Um, sure.

Michael:Wow, these are amazing. You know what, I'm going to need to feel these on a regular basis. Maybe during our meetings?

Holly:That's... that's not really necessary, Michael.

Michael:No, no, I insist. In fact, why don't you come to my office? We can discuss the Henderson account... while you're wearing those mittens.

Holly:Michael, this is getting weird.

Michael:That's what she said. I mean — the boss needs to inspect quality control. Those are very... distracting mittens.

Michael:Holly, I need to see your hands. Show me your hands.

Holly:Why? What's wrong?

Michael:Just show me your hands. It's important.

Holly:Michael, I'm wearing mittens because it's cold.

Michael:I don't care. Take them off.

Holly:No.

Michael:Okay, fine. Pam, turn up the heat in here to 85 degrees.

Pam:What? That's crazy.

Michael:Just do it. And Ryan, I need you to stand by the door with a heat lamp.

Michael:Holly, we're going to make this office so hot, you'll have no choice but to remove those mittens.

Holly:This is insane.

Michael:That's what she said.

Holly:That's great, Michael. Congratulations.

Michael:Thank you. You know, I've been working really hard, and it's nice to be appreciated. Unlike some people in this office who don't know the first thing about leadership or basic human decency.

Michael:She's not engaged! She's not engaged!

Michael:*does a little spin*

Michael:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Michael:*attempts a moonwalk*

Michael:Hee-hee! *grabs Jim* Did you see that?

Jim:Yeah, Michael, I saw.

Michael:*does the worm*

Michael:She is single, people! Single!

Ryan:My New Year's resolution is to stop being so wasteful.

Ryan:I'm going to start composting, recycling, reusing... basically just being more conscious about the environment.

Ryan:Actually, you know what? I'm probably just going to keep doing exactly what I'm doing and feel bad about it.

Pam:You know, Ryan, you're actually really talented. You just need to believe in yourself.

Ryan:Yeah, well, nobody believes in me. My parents don't believe in me.

Ryan:My teachers never believed in me. And now you're just saying that to make me feel better, which means even you don't really believe in me.

Ryan:So basically, I'm doomed.

Angela:My boyfriend, the senator, says...

Oscar:Actually, he's not 'the senator.' There are a hundred senators. He's 'a senator.' The use of the definite article suggests there's only one, which is both grammatically incorrect and pretentious.

Kevin:My New Year's resolution is to get my feet licked by a beautiful woman.

Jim:Kevin...

Kevin:What? That's not gonna happen? Well, then my resolution is to lick a beautiful woman's feet.

Darryl:You go to a bookstore, right? You get a book. Any book. You go up to a woman reading a book and you say, 'Oh, I love that book.' Then you talk about the book. You have things in common. You go get some coffee. You go back to her place. You have sex.

Darryl:My New Year's resolution is to be more successful. And I'm gonna start calling success 'Darryl.' So like, 'That meeting went Darryl!' or 'Man, that presentation was so Darryl!' Everything's Darryl from now on.

Michael:Phone home... phone home...

Holly:*mortified silence/awkward expression*

Holly:Hi, it's me. Yeah, I'm calling you back.

Holly:I miss you too. I can't wait to see you tonight.

Holly:I love you.

Andy:So how many books can one of those e-readers hold?

Dwight:Thousands. Easily thousands of books.

Andy:Thousands? I'd say maybe like... 40?

Dwight:No, Andy. Thousands.

Andy:Wow. Technology.

Andy:Wait, why are we shelving books?

Kevin:I don't know. I just started doing it.

Andy:Yeah, and I've been helping customers for like twenty minutes.

Kevin:How did this even happen?

Andy:I have no idea.

Kevin:Check out what I got at the bookstore.

Darryl:What'd you get?

Kevin:Well, I got this one about medieval torture devices, this cookbook, and... 'How to Win Friends and Influence People.'

Darryl:That's a classic.

Kevin:Yeah, I thought so. Though I gotta say, the torture devices book is way more practical.

Pam:So Holly gave Michael an ultimatum?

Ryan:Yeah, she said either he quits Dunder Mifflin or she breaks up with him.

Pam:Wow, that's rough. What's he gonna do?

Ryan:I don't know. But if I were him, I'd just cheat on her so she'd break up with me first. That way it's not his fault.

Darryl:You never want to go to a strip club in the daytime. That's when the real crazy people are there.

Darryl:There's the girl who's just there to have fun. There's the girl who's there with her boyfriend. There's the girl who's there with her boyfriend but she's looking at you. There's the girl who's there with her boyfriend but her boyfriend's in the bathroom so she's definitely looking at you. There's the girl who's there with her boyfriend, her boyfriend's in the bathroom, and she just touched your arm.

Erin:I resolved to use bigger words, and I'm doing immensely good at it.

Creed:My New Year's resolution is to do a cartwheel. But like, casually. Like I'm not trying to impress anybody, I'm just doing a cartwheel.

Pam:Okay, so I'm going to gradually reduce my coffee intake. Day one, I'll have 99% coffee and 1% decaf.

Pam:Day two, 98% coffee, 2% decaf.

Pam:By day 100, I'll be drinking 100% decaf and I won't even notice.

Stanley:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Michael:I kept my New Year's resolution. I've been flossing every single day.

Michael:My dentist said my gums have never looked better.

Michael:I'm thinking about running a 5K next.

Dwight:That's impossible. You can't run a 5K. You get winded walking to your car.

Michael:Dwight, I've made a lifestyle change. Anything is possible now.

Michael:I feel like a new man. I'm—

Michael:*suddenly collapses*

Kevin:What is this? Some kind of tiny tree?

Michael:It's broccoli, Kevin. You eat it like this.

Kevin:Oh.

Kevin:Why would anyone eat a tree? That doesn't make any sense.

Michael:Just try it.

Kevin:Okay, okay.

Kevin:Mmm, that's... that's actually not that bad.

Kevin:Wait, why am I eating the stick part? I thought you said it was food.

Kevin:Hey Michael, what sauce should I put on my broccoli?

Michael:Ranch dressing.

Kevin:Already tried it.

Michael:Okay, um... hot sauce?

Kevin:Nope.

Michael:Sriracha?

Kevin:No.

Michael:Okay, what about... a little bit of semen?

Kevin:Gross, Michael!

Michael:I'm just trying to help here, Kevin.

Kevin:Ugh, broccoli. Why do I even bother?

Michael:It's good for you, Kevin.

Kevin:You know what would make this better? Candy. Got any candy?

Michael:Candy is not a chaser for vegetables.

Kevin:It is now.

Michael:Holly!

Michael:Phone home. Phone home.

Kevin:I ate some bad broccoli once and it traumatized me off all vegetables.

Michael:Kevin, Creed... I owe you both an apology. You see, I've been thinking about what I did, and I realized that I hurt you in a way that cuts deeper than any words could ever heal. You are like the sun and the moon to me, and when I wronged you, I extinguished that light. I want to make this right. I want to take your pain and transform it into something beautiful, something transcendent. Will you forgive me?

Kevin:What the hell are you talking about?

Creed:Yeah, Michael. You just didn't say good morning.

Kevin:No, no, no. You can't just say sorry and expect everything to be fine. You gotta mean it. You gotta feel it in your heart.

Kevin:That's what I learned when I accidentally hit Erin's car in the parking lot. I had to really own up to it.

Michael:Can we still be friends?

Creed:Of course we can.

Kevin:I don't know, man. That's going to take some time.

Kevin:What's your New Year's resolution?

Ryan:To be a better person.

Kevin:So you're gonna stop being a jerk?

Meredith:I'm pregnant.

Michael:What? Meredith, that's wonderful news!

Meredith:Yeah, I'm just doing it for the attention.

Creed:Whoa! Nailed it!

Creed:F*** yeah!

Kevin:Yeah, I met someone at the roller rink.

Kevin:His name is Dale. We're gonna hang out every weekend.

Michael:I'm going to try to be a better person this year. I'm going to be more honest, more genuine, more real with people. And I'm going to stop making exceptions for people just because I have feelings for them.

Michael:Except for Holly. Holly can do whatever she wants.

Michael:We're in a really tricky situation. We're in a really tricky situation. We're in a really tricky situation. We're in a really tricky situation.

Michael:Tricky. Tricky situation. Tricky. Tricky situation.

Creed:Well, that's my resolution for the year done.

Creed:See you guys next year.