Andys Play

Unknown:Who is Stephen Sondheim?

Unknown:He's only like the greatest musical theater composer of all time.

Unknown:Oh. I thought you said 'Sonny in the Attic' or something.

Michael Scott:Welcome everyone to our office production of... Sweeney Todd!

Dwight Schrute:I will be playing the barber with historically accurate precision.

Jim Halpert:Why are we doing Sweeney Todd in the office?

Michael Scott:Because it's a classic! And it teaches us about trust and betrayal in the workplace.

Pam Beesly:Michael, there's a meat grinder on stage.

Michael Scott:It's a PROP meat grinder, Pam. Relax.

Andy:I was performing a number from The Music Man, and I got so into character, I couldn't break out of it. I kept saying things like 'Well, I'll be hornswoggled!' and 'That's the berries!' My whole face was doing this weird thing.

Andy:I'm so excited about this performance tonight! I've been practicing my lines all week.

Cast member:Andy, the performance is tonight. Did you get cast?

Andy:Well, actually... I auditioned. But they went with someone else.

Andy:Guys, did you see the cast list went up?

Dwight:Yeah, congratulations on not making it.

Andy:What? No, I'm definitely in it. I can feel it. The director just... he's probably waiting to announce the leads separately. Very common in theatre.

Jim:Andy, your name isn't on there.

Andy:That's a typo. Has to be. I nailed that audition. Did you see me? I was phenomenal.

Pam:We were all there, Andy. You forgot your lines halfway through.

Andy:Exactly! Method acting. Showing vulnerability. The director totally got that. He was nodding. I saw him nod.

Andy:What role am I playing?

Cast member:

Andy:

Andy:Erin, I got you tickets to the Cirque du Soleil.

Erin:Oh my God, thank you so much!

Andy:You can bring Gabe. He's like my squire.

Andy:Erin, I'm going to win you back with the power of show tunes. They're scientifically proven to make people fall in love.

Erin:Really? Science?

Andy:Yes. In fact, studies show that show tunes increase dopamine by 47%. And if you listen to them backwards, you can hear messages from your soulmate.

Erin:Wow.

Andy:Plus, show tunes are the only thing that can cure cancer. Also, they make you taller. And more attractive. And they solve global warming.

Jim:Oh no, Gabe can't make it? That's terrible. Who will make everyone uncomfortable and ruin the vibe?

Andy:Well, I think you'll find that the parameters of my thespian endeavor have been misconstrued. The theatrical presentation in question is not merely a play, but rather a sophisticated exploration of interpersonal dynamics rendered through the medium of dramatic performance.

Dwight:I will not be attending the theater. When I was nine years old, I was forced to watch a production of 'Our Town' in the round. The actors were inches from my face. I could see up their noses. One actor sneezed directly into my mouth. I have not been to a theater since.

Andy:Michael, you're a great guy. You'll get the next role.

Michael:You think so?

Andy:Yeah, I mean, look at Darryl. He got the lead in the school play.

Michael:Wait, Darryl's in the play?

Andy:Yeah, he plays the plumber.

Michael:I'm going to see Sweeney Todd this weekend. My friend invited me.

Andy:Oh, that's great! Which friend?

Michael:Just... a friend.

Andy:Well, who?

Michael:You know what, it's you. You're my friend. You invited me to Sweeney Todd.

Michael:Andy, I want you to know that you mean a lot to me. You're like the son I never had.

Andy:That means so much, Michael. Thank you.

Michael:Now, let's really feel this moment. On three, we're both going to cry. One, two... *gets visibly emotional* ...this is real acting, Andy. This is Meisner technique.

Dwight:I have a pre-nup for my sperm. No emotional attachment, strictly business terms. The woman signs in triplicate.

Dwight:Conception occurs on a schedule I've optimized for maximum efficiency. Forty-five minutes, including paperwork.

Dwight:Theater attendance isn't in our contract.

Angela:Then by that logic, our relationship is void. I'm filing for dissolution of partnership, effective immediately.

Jim:Yeah, I get it. You watch your niece for like two hours and suddenly you're the favorite uncle. But then you realize your brother's been doing this every single day for years, and you're still somehow winning. That's when you know something's wrong with your family.

Jim:I have a niece.

Jim:Niece. Niece. NIECE!

Michael:I'm going to be the bigger man here and let this go.

Michael:That's why I brought these balloons to fill myself up with helium.

Michael Scott:Oh hey! You recognize me from the theater?

Other person:No, I recognize you from when you auditioned for our community production last year.

Michael Scott:Oh! Well, how did I do?

Other person:You didn't get the part. We felt your interpretation of a tree was a little... too much.

Erin:I loved The Baby-Sitters Club books growing up. I thought if I became a babysitter, I could start my own club and we'd run the babysitting business like a monopoly.

Andy:So I've been doing some research on this world-class actor for the role...

Darryl:Yeah? Who'd you find?

Andy:His name is... well, he's actually my plumber.

Darryl:Your plumber? Andy, that's my plumber.

Andy:Wait, what?

Darryl:Yeah, he fixed my sink last month. Guy's talented, I'll give him that, but world-class actor? Come on.

Darryl:That's my plumber.

Andy:What? No, that's a famous actor.

Darryl:No, that's definitely my plumber. He fixed my toilet last month.

Andy:Well, he probably does plumbing on the side. You know, between takes on his hit TV show.

Andy:I was rejected from Juilliard.

Darryl:Juilliard? That's like the Harvard of acting.

Andy:Yeah, well, they rejected me.

Darryl:Wow. So you're not world-class?

Andy:I'm... I'm still a great actor.

Darryl:Yeah, but Juilliard said no.

Oscar:This is Chekhov. He's one of the greatest playwrights of all time. The depth, the nuance, the way he captures the human condition... Most people wouldn't understand it.

Unknown theatergoer:Excuse me, are you... are you guys okay? This is a Chekhov play.

Andy Bernard:I'm performing a song from Sweeney Todd!

Dwight Schrute:That's not how you do Broadway.

Jim Halpert:Andy, you're in an office. No one cares.

Andy Bernard:You guys just don't appreciate real talent when you see it.

Angela:Excuse me, I found gum on my seat. This is completely unacceptable.

Angela:Whoever did this, I hope you miss the entire plot of the movie. I hope you have to leave early and you never find out what happens.

Dwight:That man is singing off-key.

Theater Director:You know, Michael, you have a lot of gusto.

Michael Scott:Thank you.

Theater Director:It's a shame you have no talent.

Angela:My God, Dwight. You look like a scarecrow had a baby with a beet.

Dwight:That's impossible. Scarecrows are not biologically compatible with beets. However, I have been working on the farm since dawn, and I did wear my work clothes.

Pam:Babies can't really talk on the phone, Erin. They don't have the language skills yet.

Erin:Oh, I know that. But he could listen!

Pam:Well, he wouldn't understand what we're saying.

Erin:So? Neither do I half the time, and I still take calls.

Andy:Hello? Yeah, I'm at work right now. Can you call me back in like five minutes? I'm in the middle of my performance review. Well, actually, it's not really a performance review, it's more like... they're just telling me stuff. But yeah, call me back. I want to hear about your day. I really do.

Oscar:This is community theater at its worst. The blocking is amateurish, the staging is pedestrian, and whoever directed this clearly has no understanding of Stanislavski or basic dramatic theory. The lead actor is technically competent but emotionally vacant. And that set design? I've seen more sophisticated work in a high school gymnasium. Which, granted, is where this is being performed.

Andy:I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. My phone is ringing. This is so embarrassing. I'm gonna take this call, but I'm gonna stay in character the entire time.

Andy:Hello? Hi, Mom. No, no, I'm in the middle of a performance. Yes, I know you told me to call you back. Mom, I'm literally on stage right now. Can I call you back? No, Mom, I can't talk about this now!

Andy:You know what? I'm gonna turn off my phone. It's like... it's like Hamlet at the end of the play. He's had enough. He's done. The curtain falls. Lights out. No more texts, no more calls, no more... performance. Just silence. Beautiful, golden silence.

Andy:You know, relationships are like birds. If you hold them too tight, they die. If you let them go, they fly away.

Dwight:So what you're saying is we should all just be ornithologists?

Andy:No, Dwight, that's not—

Jim:I've started building nests in my apartment. Just in case.

Pam:Jim has seventeen bird feeders now.

Andy:That's... that's not what I meant at all.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. I know what's about to happen here. I've seen this episode before... I mean, I haven't seen it, but I know I'm going to mess this up somehow because that's literally my entire character arc.

Andy:The writers have made it very clear that whenever something important happens, I'm either not there, or I show up at the wrong time, or I accidentally sabotage myself. It's like they planned this.

Andy:Which is ironic because I'm trying so hard not to be that guy, but the show won't let me. So really, I'm a victim here.

Jim:That's my baby.

Erin:I didn't think it was a problem! The movie theater has a section for babies.

Manager/Coworker:Erin, that's the crying section in the back for people on their phones.

Erin:Well the baby was crying AND on a phone, so it was perfect!

Erin:I'm taking the baby for ice cream!

Jim:Erin, the baby can't eat ice cream.

Erin:Well, maybe just a lick.

Jim:No licks. The baby's like three months old.

Erin:So... chocolate or vanilla?

Pam:I can't believe I actually thought I could handle watching three kids for one evening. I mean, what was I thinking? By the end of the night, one of them had gotten into the finger paints, another one was using my good throw pillows as a fort, and the third one... I'm still not entirely sure where the third one went.

Pam:So that's it. I'm done. No more babysitting, no more helping out, no more being the responsible one. From now on, I'm staying home on Friday nights, watching Netflix, eating ice cream straight from the container, and slowly accepting that this is my life now. This is who I am. I'm a hermit.

Creed:That was beautiful. You know, I'd kill to hear that again.

Kevin:I don't understand. There's a lot of popcorn here, and I've eaten most of it. How is that possible?

Kevin:I did the math. There's no way one person can eat this much popcorn.

Kevin:Unless... there's more than one of me.

Darryl:So you're telling me you were in Sweeney Todd?

Plumber:Yeah, I played the barber. It was off-Broadway.

Darryl:That's cool. So when you're not slitting throats on stage, you're fixing pipes?

Plumber:Exactly. The pipes don't slit themselves.

Darryl:Man, you got some pipes on you! That voice is incredible.

Plumber:Thanks, I appreciate that.

Darryl:No, seriously. With pipes like those, you should be on a stage, not fixing pipes.

Michael:No, no, no. You see, if I boo him now, and then later it turns out he's a good plumber, I'll look like an idiot. But if I don't boo him, and it turns out he's a bad plumber, then I'll look like an idiot. So really, the smart thing to do is boo him now, get it out of the way.

Jim:That's not how any of this works.

Jim:You'd be like, 'Oh, well, thank you for the feedback. I appreciate your honesty.'

Michael:That's not true.

Jim:And then I'd be like, 'Booo! Booo! Get off the stage!'

Angela:Oh my God, yes! Finally! FINALLY! Oh, that feels so good!

Angela:More! More! Faster! Harder! YES! YES! YES!

Angela:Oh God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

Angela:Dwight, we can't keep doing this. It's wrong.

Dwight:Angela, we have a signed contract. Section 3, subsection B clearly states our obligations.

Angela:I don't care about the contract. This has to stop.

Dwight:A contract is a binding legal document. My feelings are irrelevant. We continue until the terms are fulfilled or you face breach of contract penalties.

Erin:That's not soup, Gabe. Soup is a food. That's a beverage.

Erin:See you soon!

Gabe:Actually, I'm leaving the company.

Erin:Well, see you in soup!

Pam:The restaurant lost our reservation, the babysitter canceled, and I spilled wine all over my dress.

Jim:Hey, hey, look at me. We can fix this.

Jim:I'll make us cocktails.

Pam:With what? We don't have any liquor.

Jim:I found a bottle of vanilla extract, some old cooking wine, and what I'm pretty sure is moonshine that Creed gave me.

Pam:Jim, no.

Jim:Trust me. I'm calling it 'The Dunder Mifflin Special.'

Jim:One sip and you'll forget all about tonight.

Pam:Because I'll be in a coma?

Jim:Exactly! It's foolproof.

Michael:Andy, I want you to know that I think you're a great guy. And I mean that sincerely.

Andy:Thanks, Michael.

Michael:No, really. Because if I didn't think you were great, I would tell you. I would just say it. I would be really rude about it.

Michael:Andy, you're like 87% awesome.

Andy:87%? That's oddly specific.

Michael:I did the math.

Andy:Thank you, Michael. That means a lot coming from you.

Michael:Oh, I wasn't trying to be nice. I was just stating a fact.

Michael:In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.