Sex Ed

Day Laborer 1:Hey, you see that guy who picks up workers from here every morning?

Day Laborer 2:Yeah, why?

Day Laborer 1:Nobody's ever seen them again.

Day Laborer 2:What do you mean 'again'?

Day Laborer 1:I mean... they never come back.

Dwight:I have a solution to this labor shortage. We tell them Harrisburg is Canada.

Jim:What?

Dwight:We round up all the day laborers, we put them on a bus, we drive them to Harrisburg, and we tell them it's Canada. Problem solved.

Michael:Dwight, that's insane.

Dwight:Not insane. Efficient.

Dwight:¿De dónde eres? Where are you from?

Day Laborer:Scranton. I'm from Scranton.

Dwight:No, no, before that. Where are you *really* from?

Day Laborer:Philadelphia.

Dwight:Ah, sí, sí.

Phyllis:I got stung by hornets!

Dwight:Those poor hornets. They were just defending their nest.

Dwight:This is a do or die situation.

Pam:So Nate will actually die if he fails?

Dwight:Yes.

Dwight:The phrase is 'do or die.' It means you must succeed or face death. I have prepared accordingly.

Jim:Dwight, that's not what it means.

Dwight:Oh, so now you're all suddenly experts on the English language? I know what 'or' means. You people have corrupted this phrase with your participation trophy nonsense.

Nate:I'll remove that hornet's nest.

Office Worker:How are you going to do that?

Nate:I'll use this spatula.

Office Worker:A spatula?

Nate:If that doesn't work, I have a hairdryer.

Office Worker:A hairdryer?

Nate:And if that fails, I'll try this yo-yo.

Nate:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Michael:I'm not just any temp, I'm a temp with a mustache. It makes me look distinguished. People take me more seriously when I wear it.

Michael:I've been getting so many positive messages... I mean, mustaches. So many positive mustaches.

Michael:There are legitimate reasons to wear a fake mustache. Disguises, theatrical productions, and... other things.

Michael:It's not a pimple, it's a beauty mark. Avril Lavigne has one.

Michael:She's very credible when it comes to rock and roll.

Phyllis:I don't think that's a pimple.

Michael:Oh my God, is it cancer?

Jim:It's like watching a train that has no brakes, no conductor, and is heading directly toward a station full of people who are all screaming at it to stop, but the train just keeps going faster because it thinks it's helping.

Michael:Oh thank God, it's just a cold sore.

Meredith:That's herpes.

Meredith:You know, people make such a big deal about herpes. I've had it for years and it's really not that bad.

Michael:I don't understand, I've never seen your herpes.

Meredith:That's because it's on my genitals, Michael.

Michael:Wait, you have a penis?

Oscar:How old are you?

Michael:I'm 45.

Oscar:At least.

Michael:What do you mean 'at least'? That implies I could be older!

Angela:I don't even want to know what goes on in Meredith's personal life. It's like looking into an outhouse.

Andy:Ignorance is the STD of the mind.

Michael:I'm not just sick, I'm a man of the sea now. Arrr, me hearty! *adjusts imaginary captain's hat* Who knew my limited dating history could lead to such exotic ports of call?

Jim:So these 'ports' would be... what, exactly? Because I'm pretty sure the only port Michael's been to is the one time he went to Sandals Jamaica and immediately got sunburned.

Michael:That's not true, I've been to many—

Jim:And then there's Jan. And... I think that's actually it. So Michael's got a girl in every port, and he's been to one port.

Dwight:If you've had sexual contact with someone, it is your civic duty to inform all of your previous partners immediately. It's basic public health.

Dwight:I've already started a list. I'm working through it alphabetically. When I'm done, I'm going to do a second pass for overwhelming revenge.

Dwight:But that's just me being thorough. It's nothing personal.

Michael:Donna, I have something to tell you. Something serious. I have... herpees.

Donna:You mean herpes?

Michael:That's what I said. Herpees.

Andy:Everyone, I have an announcement to make.

Stanley:You always do.

Andy:I don't ask for attention that much.

Oscar:Andy, you asked me what I thought about your haircut three times in one day.

Stanley:You made us all listen to your a cappella group perform for forty minutes.

Andy:That was a one-time thing.

Oscar:You've done it twice since then.

Stanley:And you asked everyone in this office to rate your performance on a scale of one to ten.

Andy:I was just trying to improve.

Oscar:You asked me to rate you while I was in the bathroom.

Michael:Hello, this is... uh... Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Holly:Michael, that's you.

Michael:No it's not.

Holly:Yes it is. I can hear you.

Michael:Missionary? That's the position I use!

Michael:In my fantasy, we're married with three kids, a house in the suburbs, and you quit your job to be with me.

Holly:Michael, that's not going to happen. I have my own career, and we work together. This isn't healthy.

Michael:But Holly—

Holly:No. We need to focus on work. That's it.

Holly:Michael has this thing where he romanticizes everything. Like, he once pitched a movie idea called 'Threat Level Midnight' where he was a secret agent who could seduce women with his wits and also solve crimes.

Jan:I've been really focused on my career lately. Things are going great at the office, and I'm feeling really put-together, you know?

Jan:Actually, I'm working on this passion project right now. I'm producing a Doris Day cover album.

Jan:♪ Folgers in my cup ♪

Michael:...

Andy:And here we see the herpes simplex virus.

Office Workers:*groans and recoils*

Andy:What? I thought that would be the easy part.

Jan:I'm like a princess, and you're like my knight in shining armor.

Michael:That's sweet.

Jan:But I'm also the queen, and I'm very disappointed in you.

Jan:♪ The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout ♪

Jan:♪ Down came the rain and washed the spider out ♪

Jan:♪ Out came the sun and dried up all the rain ♪

Jan:♪ And the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again... ♪

Jan:Also, I have herpes.

Andy:Look, I'm just saying, you two need to be honest about the fact that having a baby wasn't planned.

Jim:It wasn't a mistake.

Pam:It was a surprise.

Andy:What's the difference?

Jim:A surprise is something you didn't expect but you're happy about.

Pam:A mistake is something you regret.

Jim:We don't regret Cece.

Pam:We regret a lot of things, but not Cece.

Michael:Jan's judgment? Come on, she's a VP at a major paper company. She knows what she's doing.

Dwight:Actually, Jan is VP of Sales. She's not qualified to make judgments about paper quality or production. That's not her expertise.

Michael:Dwight, that's not the point.

Dwight:It's exactly the point. You can't just assume someone knows something because of their title.

Michael:Hey there, beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?

Helene's Grandmother:Oh my! Well, aren't you charming.

Michael:So what's a lovely woman like you doing here alone?

Helene:Dad, that's my grandmother.

Michael:What? Oh God. Oh no. I... I thought... That's not... I'm so sorry.

Darryl:You know what? That's like asking me if I'd rather wear a helmet when I ski or just not ski. I'm gonna ski, man. I love skiing.

Oscar:Why would you use that as a condom demonstration prop?

Andy:Well, I was aroused when I bought it.

Andy:So this is how you properly apply a condom...

Stanley:You're a pencil dick.

Michael:I was just thinking about us, you know? All those good times we had together.

Helene:Michael, we dated for like three weeks. And you spent most of that time talking about your ex-girlfriend.

Michael:Oh, Carole! What a coincidence running into you here!

Carole:Michael, you're parked outside my house.

Michael:I know, I'm... I'm doing a stakeout. For work.

Carole:Your car is running and you're holding binoculars.

Michael:Birdwatching. Very dedicated to ornithology.

Andy:I said, 'You have my permission to court Ms. Hannon, contingent upon the understanding that said courtship shall be conducted with the utmost propriety and in accordance with the established protocols of this office, as well as the state of Pennsylvania.'

Jim:What?

Pam:Yeah, what does that mean?

Andy:It means he can date her.

Michael:I'm a romantic! I do things on impulse. That's who I am.

Carol:We never loved each other.

Dwight:So this bathroom, how many people have died in here?

Carole:What? No one has died in this bathroom.

Dwight:That you know of.

Andy:I'm not crying, I'm sweating.

Darryl:Your eyes are leaking.

Andy:It's sweat. From my face.

Darryl:Sweat doesn't come out of your eyes.

Andy:Well, mine does.

Darryl:You know what you need? You need to get back out there. Meet some new people. Have some fun.

Andy:Darryl, I'm really not in the headspace for—

Darryl:Nah, nah, nah. Trust me on this one. You're a catch. You're funny, you're got a good job, you're a solid guy. Some girl is gonna be lucky to have you.

Andy:That's... that's nice of you to say, but—

Darryl:So what do you say? You wanna hit up that bar tonight? I'll be your wingman.

Andy:Yeah... no, I think I just need some time alone right now.

Darryl:That's the spirit! Positive attitude. That's what I'm talking about.

Holly:Hi, you've reached Holly Flax at Wernham Woodson. I'm unable to take your call right now, but please leave a message after the tiny truck backing up.

[tiny truck backing up sound]

Michael:I called all my exes today. You know what I realized? They're all pretty disappointing in person. Like, I had built them up in my head to be these amazing women, but then I actually talked to them and I was like, 'Oh. You're just... regular.'

Michael:Hey Holly, it's me. I just wanted to say that... I know we don't always see eye to eye on everything, but when I'm around you, I feel like I can be myself. And that's rare. That's really rare. So I just wanted you to know that you mean a lot to me. Okay, bye.

Michael:Oscar, we need to talk about what happened at the Christmas party.

Oscar:Michael, that was just a kiss on the cheek. It didn't mean anything.

Michael:I know, but I think I might have herpes.

Oscar:What? From a kiss on the cheek?

Michael:I'm just being cautious. You never know these days.

Michael:Oscar, I need you to make me a list of all your sexual partners.

Oscar:Why would I do that?

Michael:For diversity purposes. Come on, it'll just take a minute.

Oscar:Michael, no.

Michael:Okay, fine. I'll just start: the park, the river, that rest stop on I-90...

Oscar:Those aren't even—

Michael:Wait, wait. The botanical gardens at sunset, that beautiful bed and breakfast in Vermont, that really tasteful cabin rental in Sedona...