Wuphf.Com

Dwight:A power outage. As I've always said, this is when society shows its true colors. I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Dwight:First, we establish a perimeter. Second, we ration the food in the break room. Third... we don't talk about the food.

Jim:Okay, so we tried 'password', we tried all zeros...

Dwight:The logical next step is changing just one digit.

Jim:That's... not how password security works.

Dwight:False. I once changed a one to a two and it took the Germans three extra minutes to crack it.

Dwight Schrute:Do you have any idea how many password combinations there are? It could take us years!

Jim Halpert:Or we could just call IT.

Michael:Okay, so we have IT staff. There's the tall one with the weird hair. Then there's the short stocky one who always looks angry. And the one who's kinda... I don't know, greasy? Yeah, greasy is the word. Oh, and the female one with the big... personality. And then there's the really old one who I'm pretty sure is just here for the coffee.

Ryan:Password: 'P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D'

Ryan:Password: 'P-A-S-S-W-O-R-Z'

Michael:See, this is why I'm a great manager. I understand password security. 'Big boobz' - it's random, it's unexpected, it's got numbers and letters. Hackers would never guess it because they're too busy thinking about actual boobs to realize I'm thinking about boobs strategically.

Michael:I'm not doing my own taxes. That's what accountants are for.

Michael:I pay them good money so I don't have to think about it.

Michael:Hey, can we talk for a second?

Michael:Never mind, I'm busy. Close the door.

Ryan:So the documentary crew is here to film me, right? I'm basically the main character now. This is my show.

Pam:I did my part for nice guys by marrying Jim. Now I want material gain.

Dwight:I'm being sued by a woman in Delaware who claims she invented the hay maze first. But my lawyers say I have a very strong case because she can't prove it, and also, she's dead.

Dwight:You know, I've been told I have a certain rustic charm. Perhaps you'd like to see my beet farm?

Sherri:Oh, that sounds nice.

Dwight:Actually, never mind. You'd probably just complain about the soil composition and lack of modern amenities. Most people do.

Jim:Selling food to a baby is actually not that different from selling paper. You find out what they need, you show them how your product solves that problem, and boom—sale.

Jim:Except with babies, they're more honest about it. They just cry and drool. With my clients, they pretend to think about it for three weeks, then buy anyway because they need it.

Kevin:So I take the total sales, right? Then I multiply by the commission percentage. That's the blip-blop coefficient. Then I divide by the quarterly adjustment factor — that's the ker-chunk sound — and boom, you got your number. It's simple math, really. Blip-blop, ker-chunk, boom. Commission.

Kevin:Two plus two equals four. *sound effect*

Kevin:Two plus two equals four. *sound effect*

Michael:You know what? Going to the gym and seeing someone naked is like... it's passive-aggressive. It's like they're saying, 'Look at me, I'm comfortable with my body.' Well, congratulations. Some of us are not.

Michael:You know, sometimes you have to accept things you don't like. It's like... it's like when you're at a restaurant and they don't have the appetizer you want, so you just accept it and move on with your life.

Michael:Or it's like when you go to the movies and they're out of popcorn, so you just... you deal with it.

Michael:Actually, you know what? It's like if you're a horse, and someone puts a saddle on you. You don't like it, but you're a horse, so what are you gonna do?

Michael:Sex!

Stanley:What?

Michael:I just wanted to see if that would get your attention.

Stanley:You gotta say money.

Michael:Money?

Stanley:Money!

Creed:I have a dream. A dream of a solitary lighthouse, perched on a rocky cliff, far from civilization. A place where no one can reach me, where I can live out my days in complete isolation, tending to the light, watching ships pass in the distance, never to make contact with another human soul again.

Ryan:This buyer is incredibly impressive. They're very interested in Dunder Mifflin.

Unknown:What do they want with the company?

Ryan:Turns out they only wanted it for the domain name. D.M. They wanted DunderMifflin.com for their start-up.

Phyllis:Bob says he only invests in companies where the CEO has exactly three letters in their first name, owns at least two cats, and has a birthday in a month with an 'R' in it.

Michael:Come on, Andy. Your family? They clearly don't appreciate you. I mean, the way they treat you, the disrespect...

Andy:Actually, Michael, my family's great. I mean, we have our moments, but I really love them. They've always been there for me.

Michael:Oh. Well... that's... that's really nice, actually.

Andy:Washington University? That's like the Cornell of the Midwest.

Michael:Andy, Cornell rejected you.

Michael:You're going to use that as motivation? That's like saying, 'I'm going to be successful despite being a failure.'

Angela:I love a good roll in the hay.

Dwight:That'll be $15.

Oscar:We could use the emergency notification system to alert everyone about the meeting.

Ryan:No way. That's like using a fire extinguisher to make a smoothie.

Michael:Well, that's not the point, Oscar. It's not about the skiing. It's about getting away from here, away from all of you people and your questions and your... your faces.

Jim:You know what? With the commission cap, there's no point in trying anymore.

Jim:So I've been really productive. I organized my desk, I alphabetized my files, I learned to juggle.

Jim:Hey, which way is the bathroom?

Dwight:You know what? Forget it. You'll never find that needle. And even if you do, what have you accomplished? You've spent three hours of your life looking for a needle in a haystack. That's three hours you'll never get back. Three hours that could have been spent doing something productive, something meaningful. But instead, you found a needle. Congratulations. Your life is now complete.

Ryan:I'm thinking we do a Spring Break tie-in. Picture this: tropical music, beach balls, maybe some bikini models...

Ryan:We're talking viral marketing. We're talking cultural phenomenon. We're talking me getting a promotion and finally being taken seriously in this office.

Ryan:We're going to have a business planning retreat. No TV, no video games, just pure business strategy.

Ryan:So I'm going to set up the Xbox.

Kelly:I invented WUPHF. My dog was barking, and I was like, 'WUPHF!' And then my dog stopped barking. So I was like, 'That's it. That's the website.' And then I called my lawyers, and I was like, 'I need to trademark WUPHF.'

Oscar:Wait, WUPHF... Washington University Public Health Fund?

Ryan:Yeah, that's what it stands for.

Oscar:Oh my God, I've been saying it wrong this whole time.

Jim:I'm thankful for all of you. And I'm grateful for this opportunity to say: I guess you could say this Thanksgiving is going to be... un-for-gettable.

Unknown:That's a pun.

Jim:Yes.

Unknown:We acknowledge the humor.

Michael:Okay, so Ryan threw away a plastic bottle instead of recycling it. That's not okay. We need to talk about waste management in this office.

Michael:I've been reading about this, and apparently, we're supposed to separate everything. Plastics, paper, glass, organic waste...

Michael:So I've created a new system. All plastics go in the blue bin, all paper in the green bin, and all organic waste in the clear bin so we can see what we're throwing away.

Michael:Oh, and anything that's a combination of materials? That goes in the red bin, because it's a warning to... the garbage people... that this is tricky.

Michael:It's nine o'clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in...

Jim:Okay, no. No, Michael. We are not doing this.

Michael:Doing what?

Jim:The Billy Joel thing. Every time you start quoting song lyrics, it turns into a whole thing.

Michael:I don't know what you're talking about.

Gabe:Disturbing childhood trauma content delivered matter-of-factly

Ryan:I can see it now. We're going to be best friends. We'll go on trips together, double dates, our kids will play together.

Michael:Ryan, we work in the same office and you don't talk to me.

Dwight:I've decided to implement a democratic voting system for Hay King. Everyone gets one vote.

Dwight:I've also decided that I get to count the votes. Privately. In my office.

Dwight:And I've won. Unanimously. All votes for Dwight Schrute.

Dwight:I went to the hay festival because I enjoy hay. But also, if I'm being completely honest, I went because I wanted to prove to everyone that I could find something enjoyable that they wouldn't understand. Because I'm smarter than them. And my hobbies are more authentic.

Michael:I'm not being used. Ryan respects me. He values my opinion.

Michael:In fact, he asked me to call all the warehouse workers and tell them that if they don't start working harder, he's going to fire them all.

Michael:I feel like I'm a car, right? And someone's been driving me, but they're not paying for the gas. So I'm like, 'Hey, you need to chip in for the gas.' But then they're like, 'Well, you're the car, cars need gas, that's your job.' And I'm like, 'No, no, no, I'm a person who is a car.' But then I'm not a person anymore, I'm just a car. So how can I pay for my own gas if I'm a car and I have no money because I'm a car? And then I think about it, and I realize, I'm not even a car. I'm a person. But I'm driving a car. But the car is driving me. Wait, no, I'm the car.

Michael:So your wife, she must be a saint to put up with you all day.

Therapist:Actually, my wife passed away three years ago.

Michael:Oh my God. I'm so sorry. That's... that's terrible.

Ryan:Look, I appreciate the hustle, but you need to understand something about sales. It's not about pushing a product on someone who doesn't want it. That's harassment.

Ryan:You want to succeed in business? You identify a real need, you solve a real problem. You don't just corner people and force them to listen to your pitch.

Ryan:That's the difference between a great businessman and a criminal. One of them knows when to walk away.

Michael:You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Ryan is going to be a hero. I'm going to make sure of it.

Dwight:The mighty oak thrusts its wood deep into the earth, spreading its seed across the fertile ground...

Dwight:The flower opens its petals wide, begging for the bee to penetrate its most intimate chamber...

Dwight:Two animals mate vigorously in the tall grass, their bodies writhing together as one...

Michael:You know what? We're like a deck of cards. Dwight, you're the ace. Jim and Pam, you're the face cards. Ryan, you're the joker. And me? I'm... I'm the joker too, actually. No wait, I'm the deck. I'm the whole deck. Everyone's in me.

Gabe:My novel explores the psychological devastation of workplace rejection. The protagonist's descent into madness when his coworkers avoid him in the break room.

Michael:Gabe, that's literally your life right now.

Gabe:...I'm aware.