Trivia

Oscar:Kevin, you automatically reach for a candy bar every time someone mentions food.

Kevin:No I don't.

Oscar:Yes you do. It's like Pavlov's dog.

Kevin:*automatically reaches for a candy bar*

Kevin:I can't help it, man. It just happens.

Erin:Oh! Oh! Did you guys know that birds can see in ultraviolet? That means they see a completely different world than us. A magical world.

Erin:And squirrels can rotate their tails to help them balance. How is that not the coolest thing you've ever heard?

Erin:Also, I read that otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart. That is so sweet I might actually die.

Andy:Okay, everyone, let's keep this meeting focused and professional.

Creed:She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck, trucks like a dump, dump, dump.

Kevin:You could use it to wrap up a wet burrito so the juices don't get all over your hands.

Andy:People of Dunder Mifflin! Today, we gather not merely as salespeople, but as WARRIORS of commerce!

Andy:And what is the secret to our success? I'll tell you: we must... sell... paper.

Andy:That's right. Paper. The very substance upon which civilization itself is written!

Andy:So go forth, my friends, and sell it with the passion of a thousand suns!

Andy:Okay, so I need you all to buy our paper. Think of it like this: I'm your supplier, you're my customers, and this is a transaction.

Andy:You come to me, on the day of my daughter's wedding, and you ask me for twenty reams? That's a big ask.

Andy:But I got you. I'm good for it. I hook you up with the primo stuff. The good stuff.

Andy:Word of mouth spreads. Pretty soon, everyone wants Andy's paper. You're all fiending for it.

Andy:That's when I raise the price. Supply and demand, people.

Andy:Look, I know the sales numbers are down, and I take full responsibility for that.

Andy:But what you don't know is that I've been personally buying our products out of desperation just to keep the numbers from looking even worse.

Andy:I may have gone a little overboard with the personal paper stockpile.

Andy:I have 47 reams in my apartment.

Andy:And another 23 in my car.

Andy:Plus, I rented a storage unit. It's just... all paper.

Dwight:I have extensive management experience. I've managed beet farms, paper salesmen, and a volunteer sheriff's deputy force. I've managed my subordinates through layoffs, office romances, and a fire in the building. I've managed a warehouse, a branch, and at one point, a small militia. But I'll be honest—I cannot manage people.

Dwight:The meeting was like a violent colonial conquest. I decimated them with facts and figures. By the end, their stock price had surrendered unconditionally.

Pam:Can I get you anything?

Dwight:No. And if you try to poison me, I will hurt you.

Dwight:Gabe's office is like a lair. It's like he's a supervillain or something. The way he's got those plants in there, it's like he's got a pet tarantula or a piranha that he's feeding.

Gabe:I travel between offices frequently as a form of exposure therapy. It helps me confront my fear of flying.

Gabe:I'm getting better at it every day.

Robert:Dwight, I have to say, I'm impressed. You flew all the way down here to Florida. That takes initiative. That takes guts.

Robert:Of course, so does moving to Florida, and look how that turned out for the state.

Andy:Kevin, I need you to fudge the numbers a little bit. Just call it a rounding error.

Kevin:Oh, I can do that. I make mistakes all the time. I'm really good at it.

Oscar:Kevin, I appreciate the offer, but I need someone who can actually do accounting.

Kevin:I can do accounting!

Oscar:Kevin, you once asked me what a deduction was.

Oscar:I can't stay late. I have to get home for the International Symposium of Advanced Categorical Phenomonology and Metataxonomy.

Dwight:That's just trivia night at Chili's.

Jim:So you're saying your entire job is just about getting the bagels?

Gabe:No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I have many responsibilities as the corporate compliance officer.

Jim:Right, right. But today, this moment, what you're doing... that's bagels.

Gabe:What's the difference between a shoe and a telephone?

Dwight:One is a shoe and one is a telephone.

Gabe:I'm like a toilet. I take everyone's shit.

Gabe:Life is like a toilet. You sit on it, you do your business, you flush it away.

Jim:That's... that's the worst metaphor I've ever heard.

Dwight:COO? Not CEO? Well, that's disappointing. But I suppose the COO is still a respectable position. Second in command. Like a vice president, but with more authority. I can work with that. In fact, I've always believed that the true power in any organization lies not at the top, but one rung below. That's where the real decisions are made. So really, I'm not disappointed at all. This is actually perfect.

Andy:Guys, I am so pumped for trivia night! I have been studying all week.

Darryl:Andy, this is a bar trivia night. You don't study for this.

Andy:Oh please, Darryl. I've got this locked down. I even made flash cards.

Darryl:Of what? Things that happened in 1987?

Andy:The year I was born. Why, what's the connection?

Andy:Okay, here's how I'm ranking you guys by ability. Kevin, you're at the bottom. Oscar, you're in the middle. And Jim, you're at the top.

Kevin:What? Why am I at the bottom?

Andy:Because you're the worst.

Andy:Ray Charles is from Georgia because he's blind and Georgia is a state you can really feel your way around.

Andy:Wait, Ray Charles was blind, right? So how did he... I mean, did he actually play the piano or did someone just move his hands around?

Dwight:Andy, what are you talking about? Ray Charles was one of the greatest musicians of all time.

Andy:I know, I know. I'm just saying, if he couldn't see the keys, how did he know where to—

Dwight:A fire? Where?

Gabe:I don't know the specifics.

Dwight:Well, I would have heard about it. I'm very involved in local emergency services.

Gabe:It was a small fire.

Gabe:Bizarre non-sequitur that makes no contextual sense

Andy:The answer is... Reggie Philbin.

Phyllis:Wait, so the sixth man is like when you're dating someone but you're also seeing someone else on the side?

Phyllis:Because Bob would never do that to me.

Kelly:I know all about the sixth man because I watch a lot of reality TV, and on reality TV, the sixth man is always the one who stirs up drama and causes all the problems.

Kelly:I know a lot about basketball because I watch the Kardashians, and they're always at the games. So I've learned a lot of NBA facts just from watching their show.

Andy:Let me assign you all TV network identities based on your personalities.

Kelly:I'm MTV, VH1, E!, Bravo, and the Real Housewives channel.

Andy:That's... not how this works.

Kelly:I contain multitudes.

Dwight:As you can see from this chart, our productivity metrics have increased significantly in the past quarter.

Gabe:

Dwight:Gabe? Are you... is that a smile? I'm presenting quantitative data on departmental efficiency.

Gabe:A toilet is like a woman. You have to treat it with respect.

Dwight:I don't need your metaphors, Gabe. I know how to treat women and toilets.

Gabe:Do you though?

Dwight:Yes!

Gabe:There, there.

Dwight:Did you just pat me on the head like I'm a child?!

Dwight:I need your help, Gabe. I've injured my hand and I require assistance with my duties.

Gabe:Why should I help you? You're like a wounded animal.

Dwight:Exactly. And you know what happens to wounded animals, Gabe? They either heal... or they get put down. I suggest you help me heal.

Trivia Host:Is that Grindr?

Ryan:What? No!

Trivia Host:It's cool, man. No judgment.

Ryan:I can't put my phone away. I'm in the middle of something really important.

Ryan:I'm refreshing my email every two seconds to see if anyone's texting me about... anything.

Andy:Okay, look. The A-team is gone. So now we're down to our backup team. Which is basically just a bunch of people I wouldn't trust to water my plants.

Andy:I mean, Kevin can barely remember to show up to work, Erin thinks the copy machine is haunted, and don't even get me started on Ryan.

Trivia Host:Next question: What did Einstein discover?

Trivia Host:The team named 'Einsteins' got it wrong.

Kevin:What is the capital of France?

Kevin:*dings bell*

Erin:Kevin, you have to know the answer before you ring in.

Kevin:I thought that was your job.

Erin:My job is to ask the questions and ring the bell when you get it right. Your job is to know the answers.

Robert:I wrestle for 2 hours a day. That's 730 hours a year. Most people don't exercise at all, so I'm way ahead.

Dwight:That's not how math works.

Robert:Okay, well, I'm not a mathematician.

Andy:We crushed it! We are on fire! This calls for a celebration. We should go to a gay bar!

Andy:What? I love gay bars. The music is great, the drinks are strong, and nobody's trying to get in my pants.

Andy:Wait, that came out wrong.

Dwight:I am the fire that burns within the hearts of men. I am the steel that forges their will. I am assistant to the regional manager, and assistant regional manager. What am I?

Robert:You're a idiot.

Robert California:You don't want to go to Florida, Dwight. Florida is just a penis attached to the rest of America. And like many penises, it does not have a brain.

Robert:You know, alligators are a real problem down in Florida.

Dwight:I thought alligators evolved from crocodiles?

Robert:No, Dwight. Crocodiles evolved from alligators.

Dwight:Oh. Okay.

Robert California:Dwight, I don't want your grandfather's medal. What am I going to do with that? Wear it to my country club and tell everyone I won it for... what, exactly? Being a good grandson?

Meredith:I've seen a lot of French films. Most of them were playing in the background at bars I was passed out in.

Andy:You know, when you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. When you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. But when you torture the fish first... I don't know, maybe he loses his appetite?

Announcer:And now, the championship round, with a prize of $50,000!

Andy:Fifty thousand dollars? We're gonna be so rich. I'm already mentally spending it on a boat.

Andy:A really nice boat. With a hot tub on it.