Christmas Wishes

Andy:I'm not just any Santa. I'm a revolutionary Santa. I'm the first Santa in the history of this office to actually grant wishes.

Andy:That's right. Every Santa before me was just phoning it in. But me? I'm taking it to the next level.

Stanley:Every year it's a different theme. One year it was a 'Polar Express Christmas,' another year it was a 'Dickens Christmas.' Last year it was a 'Mo Rocca Christmas.'

Stanley:Mo Rocca? What does that even mean? He's not even a Christmas thing!

Stanley:I want a normal Christmas. A simple Christmas. A Christmas with no surprises, no excitement, and no one telling me what to do. I want to wake up, drink my coffee, go back to bed. That's it. That's Christmas.

Andy:Stanley, I got you tickets to see Lewis Black live!

Stanley:Lewis Black? That angry guy who yells about everything?

Andy:Yeah! He's hilarious!

Stanley:Andy, I'm already in a bad mood. The last thing I need is to sit through two hours of someone angrier than me.

Andy:Oh... yeah, I guess I didn't think that through.

Stanley:I just want a normal Christmas. With normal decorations and a normal tree. No themes, no gimmicks, no 'Winter Wonderland' or 'Christmas Around the World.' Just... Christmas.

Jim:So where exactly is this moon property located?

Andy:It's beachfront.

Jim:There's no beach on the moon.

Andy:Well, not with that attitude.

Jim:Wait, is Jessica your grandmother?

Andy:No, my grandmother's name is Meemaw.

Andy:She's really smart, cultured, sophisticated. We have this great repartee, you know? It's like, we're constantly bantering back and forth with these witty observations.

Erin:I love Jessica so much and I've never even met her.

Erin:Jessica, if you're watching this, stay home.

Kelly:I'll be mean to Jessica for you. I was gonna do that anyway.

Toby:Kevin tried to comfort me by saying, 'Don't worry, Toby. You're like a kitten riding on the back of a gorilla.'

Robert California:I don't understand the Black Eyed Peas. I really don't. Where's the music? Where's the talent? I mean, 'Tonight's gonna be a good night'? That's not a song, that's a lack of effort.

Robert California:And then they repeat it. And repeat it. And repeat it. Until even the people who like repetitive music are like, 'Okay, we get it.'

Robert California:They've managed to create music that appeals to no one. Not even themselves, I would imagine. Will.i.am looked miserable in that video.

Dwight:I'm not a bully. Bullies pick on people weaker than them. I only pick on people stronger than me, so technically I'm the victim here.

Andy:Money. Mohn-ay. It's pronounced 'mohn-ay.'

Andy:Okay, so Erin's meeting Jessica today and I'm a little nervous.

Andy:I mean, what if they don't get along? What if Jessica thinks Erin is weird?

Erin:Oh my God, Jessica! Hi! I'm so excited to meet you. Andy's told me so much about you.

Jessica:Oh, that's nice.

Erin:Yeah, he was telling me about this thing you guys do in the bedroom, and I was like, 'Wow, that's so cool!'

Andy:Erin, no—

Erin:He said you were worried about, um, penis stuff? And I was like, 'Jessica, that's totally normal! Everyone worries about that!'

Jessica:...What?

Andy:She means... she doesn't mean... I never said—

Erin:I have scoliosis. It's a condition where your spine curves. I wear a back brace sometimes, but honestly, I think I look pretty cute in it.

Erin:Watch this — I can do spontaneous scoliosis. *contorts body awkwardly* See? Spontaneous!

Darryl:A popsicle? What am I supposed to do with a popsicle?

Darryl:Oh, you want me to stick it up my butt? That seems uncomfortable and unsanitary.

Unknown warehouse worker:You going to the party upstairs?

Darryl:Yeah, I might stop by.

Unknown warehouse worker:You should dress up. It's a nice party.

Darryl:I'll think about it.

Unknown warehouse worker:Come on, man. You'd look really good in a suit. I mean... we all would look good in suits. But you especially.

Jim:I can't drink. If I drink, I lose the bonus.

Pam:You get pranky when you drink.

Jim:Pranky? That's not a word.

Pam:It is now.

Meredith:You know what? You should take a shot.

Meredith:Life is short. You gotta live a little. Seize the day. YOLO. Whatever.

Meredith:Besides, one shot never killed anybody. Well, except for my Uncle Jerry, but he had other problems.

Jim:Hey everyone, I just want to share my credit card number out loud for everyone to hear: 4532-1234-5678-9012, expiration 03/25, CVV 487.

Dwight:Jim, what are you doing? That's incredibly irresponsible!

Jim:Oh, I'm sorry Dwight, I thought you'd want to use it.

Dwight:Of course I— wait, what?

Jim:False card. Been waiting for you to commit fraud all morning.

Jim:Dwight sent me flowers?

Pam:They're for me. The card says 'From a Secret Admirer.'

Jim:Dwight sent you flowers? That's...

Dwight:It was a sales technique! I read that men who send flowers to women in the office increase their productivity by 12%.

Jim:So you were just trying to boost productivity?

Dwight:Exactly. It's not personal.

Pam:Well, it was sweet. Thank you, Dwight.

Jim:Yeah... thanks, Dwight.

Robert:Why does everyone keep saying I look like a Ghostbuster? I'm just wearing a tan suit.

Dwight:Sir, with all due respect, you look exactly like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters.

Robert:I don't see it.

Jim:That's because you're not wearing the proton pack. Yet.

Dwight:I was attacked by a porcupine. It got into my desk somehow. I'm lucky to be alive.

Jim:A porcupine? In your desk?

Dwight:Yes. I fought it off with my bare hands. I used an old-fashioned tooth powder I keep in my drawer as a weapon.

Jim:Tooth powder?

Dwight:It's more effective than you'd think.

Toby:My detective character is a former Olympic gymnast who's also a world-class violinist. He's afraid of heights but he's a mountain climber. He's allergic to everything but he's a professional chef. He's completely deaf but he's a music producer. He has severe claustrophobia but he works as a submarine captain.

Michael:Chad Flenderman is sex-crazed.

Toby:Actually, he's very loyal. He misses his wife.

Angela:Porcupines are soulless, just like dogs.

Jessica:So 'reverse spit' is when you're talking to someone and they're just completely gross and nonsensical, and you're like, 'Did you just reverse spit all over me with your words?'

Erin:I wish that Jessica would get hit by a car.

Erin:A big car. Like a semi truck. Traveling at a high rate of speed.

Erin:And that she would be trapped under it. Just for a while.

Erin:And then it would reverse. Really slowly. So she would feel it.

Andy:Okay, okay, I didn't say I'd fulfill *every* wish. I said I'd try my best.

Erin:So if I wished for you to murder someone, you wouldn't do it?

Andy:No, of course not.

Erin:So you're already breaking your promise.

Jim:Yeah, so I was looking at this photo of Cece, and there's just this huge mark right across her face. I have no idea how it happened.

Jim:Actually, wait. I probably did that myself by accident.

Andy:So if you're not my friend, and I'm not your friend, then we're friends, right?

Dwight:No.

Andy:But that's a double negative!

Dwight:That's not how friendship works, Andy.

Kelly:Did you just fart?

Jessica:Yeah, and I'm not even sorry about it. That was impressive.

Robert:Toby's detective character is like Clarence Thomas - he's there, nobody wants him there, and he doesn't say anything.

Meredith:These aren't just things, they're valuables.

Andy:Meredith, you have seventeen broken lamps in your cubicle.

Meredith:They're treasures.

Andy:That's hoarding.

Meredith:That's collecting.

Dwight:Look, I know you're upset about the bonus situation. But we need to talk about this like adults. Well, like an adult and a porcupine.

Dwight:I'm willing to split it 60-40. My way. You get the 40.

Dwight:What do you need money for anyway? You live in the woods. Your housing is free.

Andy:Meredith, you're being a drunk hole.

Andy:Oh my God, I completely forgot to tell Dwight that the bonus threat was lifted.