Doomsday

Michael:Alright everyone, that's a wrap for today. Time to head home!

Andy:Wait, so we're leaving?

Michael:Actually, no. I need everyone to stay late tonight. We have a lot to do.

Andy:You know, without an end-of-day tradition, night would feel exactly like day.

Andy:It's the ritual that separates us from the animals.

Jim:I know what you're thinking. 'Jim, why is there music playing?' Well, that's a great question. And the answer is... I have no idea. But I'm going to pretend like it's totally normal and see how long it takes before someone notices.

Jim:So Andy's been manager for... let me calculate... carry the one... despite hearing it daily, still doesn't know the lyrics.

Andy:Come on, people! It's time for our morning song! A cappella!

Andy:Why is no one singing? This is a beautiful moment we're sharing!

Andy:Fine. FINE. If you're not going to appreciate my musical talents, I'll just sing alone.

Stanley:I used to hate that song. Couldn't stand it. But now? Now I love it.

Stanley:You know why? Because the second I hear it, I know I got ten minutes to finish my pretzel, get my stuff, and get out of here.

Robert California:Have you been watching Iron Chef?

Dwight:I have the Q3 sales report ready for your review. It shows a 12% increase in regional productivity.

Andy:What do you need from us?

Robert California:I... well, you see, the thing is... I was thinking about... you know, the way that... it's really more of a... a question of whether or not... the fundamental nature of... well, it doesn't really matter, does it?

Dwight:I had a dream I was number two. It was an absurd world where being second place was the most valued position. Women were in charge, and men had to wear dresses.

Dwight:In my dream, I was the regional manager, and Jim was my assistant. But then the hierarchy shifted, and I became Assistant to the Regional Manager again. The power dynamics were chaos. But you know what the real problem was? There were too many people from Toronto working here.

Dwight:Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

Robert California:They're both Kevin.

Dwight:Impossible. But that perfectly describes Kevin's competence level.

Dwight:Oscar somehow represents the entire Sex and the City cast

Dwight:You don't know me.

Robert California:You're right, I don't.

Robert California:I want the next report to be absolutely perfect. No mistakes.

Robert California:And if it is, I will reward you all by discussing names in various silly ways.

Robert California:We can say them backwards, we can rhyme them, we can use funny accents.

Robert California:Iron Chef is the most compelling television program ever made. The precision, the discipline, the raw intellectual firepower required to julienne a vegetable in under four minutes... it's not just cooking, it's a metaphor for life itself. Every cut is a decision. Every decision has consequences.

Robert California:You watch Iron Chef? That's quaint. I suppose you think you understand the culinary arts now.

Jim:What about Justine?

Pam:Justine? JIM? Really?

Val:You know what? I'm tired of seeing people slack off during safety meetings. It's lazy.

Gabe:You're absolutely right. From now on, safety meetings are mandatory and we're taking them very seriously.

Gabe:So, Val, how was your weekend?

Val:Fine.

Gabe:That's great. I also had a weekend.

Val:Okay.

Dwight:I have prepared a presentation with extensive notes and materials.

Dwight:The string is three hundred feet long, but I don't need it. I have everything memorized.

Andy:You're my number two.

Dwight:Thank you.

Andy:I don't want to drop a deuce on you, but...

Gabe:It's completely one-sided. I'm just... I've just looked at her.

Gabe:I need all the paperwork ready because I'm going to need documentation. You see, my wife and I, we have what you might call an 'open relationship.' And by open, I mean she's open to me leaving the house, and I'm open to spending more time at the office. It's like a baseball game—I'm still waiting to get to first base.

Gabe:Yes, we had a whole conversation.

Toby:You said 'Hey Val' and she said 'Hey Gabe.'

Gabe:Exactly. A whole conversation.

Gabe:I know her last name. We had sex.

Toby:You would know her last name anyway. You work here.

Dwight:In my accountability system, home runs are actually a sign of failure. The batter has hit the ball too far, demonstrating a lack of control and precision. A true professional keeps the ball in play, in the infield, where it can be properly managed.

Jim:Dwight, home runs are good in baseball.

Dwight:That's what big baseball wants you to think.

Andy:You know what? Making mistakes at work is serious. There are real consequences. I once blocked someone on Minesweeper. Do you know what that's like? That's basically getting fired.

Dwight:Robert likes both 'Creep' by Radiohead and 'Creep' by TLC. That's not a coincidence, that's a cry for help.

Dwight:These emails are brutal. People are saying some really harsh things about Robert.

Oscar:Yeah, well, if he keeps treating people like this, someone's gonna kill him.

Dwight:Oscar!

Oscar:What? I'm just saying statistically, someone in this office probably has it in them.

Dwight:Robert eats his yogurt like he's interrogating it.

Kelly:That's because he is. He's very thorough.

Dwight:Dear Jim, I am writing to inform you that your performance has been, frankly, abysmal. Your work ethic is non-existent, your attitude is toxic, and you are a blight upon this office. Sincerely, Dwight Schrute. P.S. - I know where you live.

Jim:It's a doomsday device.

Dwight:It's not a doomsday device. It's a strategic asset optimization initiative.

Dwight:I'm not a villain. I've done plenty of good things. I've helped old ladies cross the street, I've donated to charity, I've... I've...

Dwight:You know what? Name one good doctor. Just one.

Dwight:Dr. Evil. Dr. Hibbert... no, wait, he's from a cartoon. Uh... Doctor Kevorkian. Josef Mengele had a doctorate.

Oscar:Dwight, I just realized I've been saying 'backwards baseball' wrong this whole time.

Dwight:What do you mean backwards baseball?

Oscar:You know, when you hit the ball and run to first base... backwards.

Dwight:That's not a thing, Oscar.

Oscar:No, no, I'm pretty sure you taught me this. You said it's like regular baseball but everyone runs the bases in reverse.

Dwight:I would never say that because it makes no sense.

Oscar:Well, I've been practicing my backwards baseball swing all week.

Darryl:Th— second.

Warehouse worker:This support belt is for lifting heavy items safely and protecting your back.

Warehouse worker:Not that any of you need it — you all look like you couldn't lift a feather without throwing out your back.

Gabe:That's a very large support belt.

Gabe:(awkward pause as he realizes the implication)

Gabe:I know nothing about her, but I will overuse my one insight into her personality to demonstrate that I understand her on a deeper level than anyone else.

Gabe:Your belt is so tight, you look like the Michelin Man in a three-piece suit.

Kevin:I don't need a calculator. My brain is like a computer.

Kevin:But it runs on fuel. Mainly cubed cheese and hot dogs.

Pam:You could use something like 'FlonkertM0use!' with a capital letter, a number, and a special character.

Pam:But don't use that one exactly.

Jim:Password is... Zodiac Killer... 666?

Dwight:You got it.

Jim:Okay, so what's Dwight's mother's name?

Pam:I don't know, why?

Jim:Password hint. Come on, it's gotta be something personal.

Jim:Gertrude? No... Margaret? Wait, I got it—it's definitely Mabel.

Pam:It's Deb.

Jim:Mabel.

Gabe:I'll get the coffee. I insist.

Gabe:Two hundred dollars? Keep the change.

Gabe:I need my coffee exactly 47 degrees, with a precise ratio of 3:1 water to espresso, and the foam must be exactly half an inch thick. Not a millimeter more or less.

Gabe:Val, come with me.

Stanley:That's the fifth mistake. I'm about to be fired.

Dwight:Kevin, what exactly are you working on?

Kevin:Well Dwight, it's about paper production. See, there's the male tree and the female tree, and when they get together, things happen.

Dwight:I would be happy to write you a glowing reference.

Jim:What does 'glowing' mean to you?

Dwight:It means you're so incompetent, you're radioactive.

Kevin:You should go talk to Dwight. Use your body.

Kevin:Wow, Pam, you're looking really curvy today.

Pam:Thanks, Kevin.

Dwight:Digging a horse grave. My horse died last night. I'm composting the body.

Dwight:I can help you dig the grave. I've dug many horse graves before.

Dwight:You're gonna want a hole that's at least 6 feet deep, 10 feet long. And make sure it's away from the water table.

Pam:Your house is really nice, Dwight.

Dwight:Thank you. I'm particularly proud of the newest addition. Built in 1812.

Pam:That's not new.

Dwight:It is new to the house. And it recently housed tuberculosis patients, so the bones are still settling.

Kevin:I want a labradoodle with no poodle, just lab.

Gabe:Val, I have a proposition. What if we went to the cemetery and drank wine together?

Val:That sounds depressing.

Gabe:It's romantic. The dead are very quiet. They're good listeners.

Val:I don't date coworkers.

Gabe:I'll quit my job.

Stanley:You want to know what the problem with this company is? I'll tell you what the problem is. We've got too many chiefs and not enough Indians. You know what we need? We need to streamline operations, cut the fat, and get back to basics.

Stanley:And you know what else? All this political correctness, all these feelings meetings, all this sensitivity training—you can take it and shove it up your butt.

Pam:Pobody's nerfect.

Dwight:Did you just say 'pobody's nerfect'?

Dwight:Pobody's nerfect? Did you have a stroke? Should I call an ambulance?

Pam:No, Dwight, it's just a funny way of saying nobody's perfect.

Dwight:That's not funny. That's sad. You need medical attention.

Dwight:Drive safely.

Dwight:Wait, no. Srive dafely.

Jim:Hey Robert, wait up! I wanted to ask you about that report.

Robert California:Can it wait? I need to check something.

Jim:No, no, it's really important. Here, let me show you.

Jim:*reaches for Robert's phone* Oh, is that the new iPhone? Let me see that.

Robert California:Jim, what are you—

Jim:*fumbles and drops it* Oh God. Oh God, that's... that's not good.

Robert California:My phone!

Jim:I am so sorry. I was just trying to... I mean, the screen was already cracked, right?

Dwight:I have helped my coworkers. I have guided them. I have shown them the way. And yet... they remain incompetent. I am cursed to spend the rest of my career surrounded by mediocrity. False. I am not cursed. I chose this. I chose Dunder Mifflin. I chose this family of idiots.

Jim:I'm fine, I'm fine. Just a little twinge.

Robert California:You're limping.

Jim:No I'm not. This is just how I walk.

Robert California:You were walking fine five minutes ago.

Jim:People change, Robert. I'm evolving.