Spooked

Andy:Okay, Halloween costume rules. Rule one: no sexy costumes. Rule two: no costumes that could be construed as offensive. Rule three: you can dress however you want.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Spoiler alert! The apes take over the planet.

Andy:I veto that.

Dwight:I'm going as Tyrion Lannister.

Jim:Oh, I'm going as Tyrion Lannister too.

Dwight:Well, I thought of it first.

Jim:So what? We can both go as the same person.

Dwight:No. There can only be one Tyrion Lannister at this party.

Jim:Why? There can be multiple Tyrion Lannisters in the world.

Dwight:Not at this party. I claimed him.

Jim:How do you claim a fictional character?

Dwight:By saying it first. It's called dibs, Jim. Have you never heard of dibs?

Angela:I forced everyone to watch the Royal Wedding all day.

Meredith:I was here for that. I thought it was a hostage situation.

Angela:You weren't even at your sister's funeral!

Meredith:I didn't miss it. I chose not to go.

Meredith:I just think they're so in love. It's beautiful.

Meredith:I'd let Prince Harry...

Jim:The best part about dating someone at work is when you break up, you still have to see them every single day. It's great.

Jim:Kevin said if I didn't wear this costume, he'd cry. And I believed him.

Jim:So here we are.

Ryan:What are you supposed to be?

Kelly:I'm a sexy nurse.

Ryan:Oh, I thought you were a... um... a streetwalker?

Kelly:What?! No!

Ryan:Or maybe... a really desperate mom at a PTA meeting?

Kelly:I AM A SEXY NURSE!

Andy:Every year, we have to confiscate all of Toby's weapons. It's like Thanksgiving — you got to get that turkey before it gets you.

Andy:Great costume, Kevin. You look just like a sumo wrestler. Or maybe you were already dressed like that?

Andy:Pam, love the witch outfit. Very convincing. I mean, not that you look like a witch normally, but... you know what, never mind.

Andy:Jim, that's a solid lumberjack look. Really pulls off the beard. Although, is that actually a costume or just what you normally wear?

Andy:Dwight, I have to say, that Sith Lord costume is pretty impressive. Although you kind of already dress like that, so...

Andy:And Oscar, that scientist outfit is great. Very authentic. Though I'm not entirely sure what you're supposed to be. A scientist? Or just someone in a lab coat?

Andy:Oh my God, I just got a text from Robert California and it scared me more than any Halloween 'boo' ever could.

Robert California:We need to talk about the quarterly earnings report. Now.

Andy:See? Terrifying.

Andy:I've been watching you work, and... I gotta say, you're really good at your job.

Pam:Thanks, Andy.

Andy:Yeah, I've actually been studying your technique. Like, the way you answer the phone, how you organize your desk... it's all very efficient.

Pam:...Are you watching me work right now?

Andy:Yes. And it's... it's helping me improve my own workflow.

Erin:Andy is so inconsistent. One day he's nice to me, the next day he's not. Like, he'll say 'Good morning, Erin,' and then later he'll say 'Erin, can you get me those reports?' I mean, make up your mind!

Erin:On a scale of 1 to 3, how would you rate that?

Pam:Um, I'd say a 2.

Erin:A 2? That's second to last!

Phyllis:We're going as a sexy nurse and a sexy doctor.

Phyllis:What kind of people dress up as sexy nurses and sexy doctors for Halloween?

Pam:So I'm working at Banshee Pub, right? And this guy comes in, orders a drink, and I swear to God, his eyes were completely black. Not like pupils dilated—completely black. No whites at all.

Jim:Did you get his order though?

Jim:So... not a real ghost story.

Jim:I thought you made it up because it sounded too crazy to be real.

Jim:But then I realized I once told everyone I met the Blue Angels flight team at a gas station.

Robert California:Is that a costume? Did you come to work as a fantasy laborer?

Andy:These are just my regular clothes.

Robert California:Exactly. A fantasy.

Robert California's Son:I need to check a hurricane.

Jim:What?

Robert California's Son:I need to check a hurricane.

Robert California:What sort of games were you planning for the children?

Erin:Well, they're actually more adult party games.

Robert California:I see. My son found them pedestrian.

Erin:Oh, I'm sorry, I thought they'd be fun.

Robert California:Perhaps his taste is simply more refined than we anticipated.

Robert California:This party is like a wormhole. It starts out with promise, infinite possibility... and then it collapses into something juvenile and disappointing.

Toby:We're doing the skeleton dance!

Gabe:That's right. We're a skeleton crew.

Toby:Get it? Because we're dancing like skeletons AND we're a minimal staff?

Robert California:Kelly, I sense you're troubled. What's wrong?

Kelly:It's just... there's something I'm really afraid of.

Robert California:Well, tell me. What is it?

Kelly:I can't even say it out loud. It's too horrible.

Robert California:You can tell me.

Kelly:Okay... I'm afraid that... that one day... I'll wake up and realize I'm not the most important person in the world.

Kelly:My greatest fear is that I'm going to end up alone.

Robert California:That's a very realistic fear.

Robert California:I've been thinking about seeing a therapist. What do you recommend?

Toby:Oh, that's great! I think that's a wonderful idea.

Robert California:You seem oddly enthusiastic about this.

Toby:No, I'm just... I'm genuinely excited for you. Really.

Angela:What do you think about the decorations?

Angela:Actually, I hate all of it. The colors are garish, the setup is tacky, and whoever chose that music has no taste whatsoever.

Bert:Well, actually, if you look at the barometric pressure and the dew point, we're looking at a 73% chance of precipitation by Thursday afternoon.

Robert California:Bert, no one cares.

Kelly:What? It's a perfectly valid costume choice. I'm a gamer girl.

Dwight:A gamer girl? You don't even know what a real RPG is.

Kelly:I totally do! I play games on my phone all the time.

Dwight:A phone game is not an RPG. An RPG requires strategy, intelligence, and actual gaming knowledge.

Kelly:Oh please, Dwight. Just because you play Dungeons and Dragons in your basement doesn't make you an expert.

Dwight:It's not in my basement, it's in my uncle's basement, and you clearly don't understand the nuances of turn-based combat systems.

Kelly:You know what, Dwight? The only thing you're an expert in is being a total loser.

Dwight:At least I have an attention span longer than—

Jim:Guys, you both realize you're arguing about video games in a Halloween costume, right? Dwight, you're a Sith Lord. And Kelly, you have more plastic on than a Barbie factory.

Andy:Hey Jim, can you believe November is almost here? Summer feels like it was just yesterday.

Jim:Yeah, that's how time works.

Andy:So I'm upgrading this party from PG to PG-13. I'm just gonna throw in a little bit of language, maybe a wardrobe malfunction or two, and we're good to go.

Erin:Why are you changing parties?

Andy:Because I'm a different person now.

Erin:You're the same person.

Andy:No, I'm not. Me from five years ago would hate me now.

Erin:Remember that Halloween when you said you were going to kill me?

Gabe:Oh yes, that was fun.

Erin:*crying* I'm still traumatized!

Gabe:You cried for like three hours.

Gabe:I'd be happy to help with the party planning. We could start by getting everyone in a circle and—

Erin:Nope! We're doing appetizers.

Jim:Hey Pam, so I was thinking about that documentary you wanted to watch.

Pam:Oh yeah? Which one?

Jim:Ghostbusters.

Pam:That's not a documentary, Jim.

Jim:Well, it's based on a true story.

Unknown:Is that a rice cake?

Dwight:It's a schrute farms beet chip. And your tone suggests you find that amusing. You shouldn't. Beets are the most nutritious of all the chips.

Dwight:You're weak. Your parents don't love you.

Bert:That's not fair. Just because I have a different opinion doesn't mean you should restrain me from saying it.

Dwight:Your opinion is wrong.

Bert:See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You're being just like the government.

Erin:Some people are afraid of things that aren't real, like mummies or ghosts.

Dwight:Mummies are real. I've seen one.

Erin:No, you haven't.

Dwight:Yes, I have. At a museum. It was real.

Dwight:Mummies are preserved bodies displayed in museums for educational and historical purposes.

Erin:Wait, so museums aren't just places where dead things go to retire?

Gabe:These decorations are completely inappropriate for a professional workplace. The streamers are too colorful, the balloons are a distraction, and frankly, the overall aesthetic suggests a lack of corporate discipline.

Kelly:I'm using the computer because I'm looking at funny videos on the internet.

Jim:Kelly, you're supposed to be working.

Kelly:I am working. Laughter is the best medicine, so I'm basically doing healthcare.

Angela:I'm going to wear the same costume I wore last year.

Pam:Angela, you're pregnant.

Angela:I'm aware. I'm also aware that the human body is a miraculous thing that can stretch and contort in ways we never thought possible. But this dress is going to fit.

Oscar:I'm going as an Oscar Meyer Weiner.

Someone:Oh, that's funny!

Oscar:Yeah, I know. Oscar Meyer, Oscar... get it?

Someone:We get it.

Darryl:That fog effect looks amazing.

Erin:Thanks! I set the fog machine to 'spooky.'

Gabe:I've been really into this new film genre called 'elevated horror.' It's horror, but for people with taste.

Gabe:For example, there's this film where a woman slowly realizes her husband has been replaced by an identical copy. Except... not really. He's the same guy. She's just paranoid.

Gabe:For two hours. That's the whole movie. It's deeply unsettling.

Erin:What is that?

Gabe:It's an experimental film. Very avant-garde.

Erin:Why is that man eating a raw chicken?

Gabe:So, uh, this is an adult party game. It's got some, uh, mature themes, some sexual content, and—

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Gabe, what kind of game are we talking about here?

Gabe:Well, it involves role-playing scenarios where you might find yourself in situations that require you to, uh, simulate certain intimate—

Erin:Oh! Like charades!

Robert California:The key to any relationship is communication. You must tell your partner exactly what you're thinking and feeling at all times.

Andy:That's great advice, Robert. Erin and I really appreciate it.

Robert California:Of course. Now, I expect you two to go home tonight, look each other in the eyes, and share your deepest, most intimate thoughts with one another.

Erin:Together? Like... romantically?

Robert California:Well, yes, I assumed— Wait. No. I'm going to stop myself right here. I've said enough. This conversation is over. Excuse me.

Andy:So Mr. California, you must meet a lot of people in your line of work.

Robert California:I do. And I'm never uncomfortable in any social situation.

Erin:Really? Never?

Robert California:Not once. I'm completely at ease at all times.

Andy:That's... that's great.

Robert California:Yes. Well. I should go. Immediately.

Andy:We've been on forty-seven dates.

Erin:Wow! That's so many! You guys are gonna make it to two hundred!

Pam:It's not like I'm crazy. Everyone has superstitions. Like, athletes have lucky socks, right?

Jim:That's different.

Pam:How is it different? I have lucky ghosts.

Jim:No, no, no, it's not a superstition. It's just... if I don't wear this shirt on game days, the Sixers play worse.

Pam:Jim, that doesn't make any sense.

Jim:It makes perfect sense. The players can sense my energy through the television. It's a documented thing.

Pam:That's... not documented.

Jim:Okay, well, my cousin's friend read about it on a forum, so technically it's peer-reviewed.

Kevin:This is serious business. We need to coordinate our attack strategy.

Bert:I'm ready. What's the plan?

Kevin:You take the left flank, I'll provide covering fire from the ridge.

Bert:Roger that. Moving into position now.

Kevin:Good work, soldier. This is what teamwork looks like.

Kelly:Andy has a girlfriend? Where?

Angela:He said she lives out of state.

Phyllis:Maybe she lives in a random forest.

Kelly:Why would anyone live in a forest?

Phyllis:I don't know, Kelly. Random forest. It's a thing.

Robert:Are you scared of snakes?

Creed:No. Once you've seen a man bitten by a snake, you stop being scared of snakes.

Robert:Why?

Creed:Because you're too busy being scared of the snake.

Pam:Jim wants to tell Cece that ghosts aren't real. But I think we should let her believe in ghosts for as long as possible.

Jim:Why would you want her to believe in ghosts?

Pam:Because it's magical! And when she's older, she'll realize they're not real, and she'll be fine.

Jim:No, she won't be fine. She'll think we're liars.

Creed:So I'm walking through the woods, right? And I see this cabin. Real creepy stuff. Windows all boarded up, door hanging off the hinges. I go inside and there's nothing but cobwebs and old furniture covered in sheets.

Creed:Then I hear this noise coming from upstairs. Scratching, dragging sounds. I go up there and find this room full of dolls. Hundreds of them, all facing the wall. And one of them, it's different from the others.

Creed:I pick it up and it's warm. Like, body temperature warm. And on the back of it, there's a name tag that says 'Lydia.' So I look around and there's a calendar on the wall. Every single day for the past three years is marked with an X.

Creed:I realize then that someone's been keeping this doll, marking off days, just so they'd have something to talk to.

Robert California:Fear is the oldest emotion known to man. It is primal, it is visceral, it is the foundation upon which all of our neuroses are built.

Creed:One time I was hiking and I saw a bear. So I got down on all fours and I crawled towards it. The bear got scared and ran away.

Robert California:Fascinating. What you've described is a complete inversion of the traditional power dynamic. You, the ostensible prey, became the predator through sheer force of will and an almost disturbing lack of self-preservation instinct. Truly remarkable.

Toby:Would you like to see my skeleton dance?

Child:You're fired.