Mrs. California

Wow, your hair is really thinning

Picture someone doing something heroic. Now, was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR

Every second you sit there is an hour off your life

I feel like you're in a suicide cult

Hey, guys, let's just all admit it, okay? Dwight's better than us

Taking a load off, huh? No. Putting a load on, more like

Think fast. Ha ha... That's real creative

I could. I just don't feel like it, loser... Because you're sitting? Standing

Andrew Baines Bernard... I love filling these out 'cause it's like Oh, I'm taking a test but I know the answers

Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen

But if I were you, I wouldn't hire his wife

That's why my foundation, the Dream For A Wish Foundation, is gonna put them out of business

We're 100% staffed up... Andy, let's see if there's a good fit first then we'll talk

Your path from obesity begins right here

I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president or a supermodel president

Chairs wear out faster. It takes more freon to keep them cool. They flush the toilets more often. Plus, their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes

But a gym turns fat into cash

It's actually Ryan... Oh, Ryan. Yeah... Bitch

I was watching a movie and Meryl Streep had two secretaries... I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco

Sales is really not so hard, okay It's paper. We have it, and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it

It's the second-easiest job in the world... Being a mom

What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis's classic room-clearing farts right now

This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw V

Obviously, you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not gonna pay money for this

I am the CEO, and I am telling an employee of mine what to do. Let me beat around the bush for a second

Say 'hello, grandma.'... Hi, gam-gam

You numbskull! You were given a very simple task

We promised we'd never say good-bye

We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom. Who's spotting who?

You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it

Who walks around with their passport? Well, I do. Always ready for adventure. Have you had any? No

How can we do that? She's simply wonderful

I know exactly which stapler to give her

That's Gerald... Oh, wow. So cute... Is he in a ladle? Yeah, he's in a ladle

Excuse me, waiter there's a dog in my soup... It's not that kind of ladle

Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert

I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night

Okey-dokey, artichokey

My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he? Yes. The dude is an enigma

Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym

I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James... It's Lejon Brames

Robert storms in and he says 'In four seconds my wife's gonna be in here, I told her she could work here, Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.' You lying son of a bitch

He just rolled out and crawled out

Creed, I was never here, all right? Okay. What about your friend?

You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well, how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl

She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us she's on maternity leave right now and I would love to leave this room and see her face

You're nothing! You're so weak! You call yourself a man? This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy

To look good for Val... Val Kilmer? I don't buy it that doesn't make any sense

I am gonna make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen