Mrs. California

Dwight Schrute:I couldn't help but notice you're losing your hair. That must be very difficult for you.

Kevin Malone:What? No I'm not.

Dwight Schrute:The hair on top of your head is receding at an alarming rate. By next year, you'll look like a monk.

Dwight:Standing is a heroic act. It separates us from the animals. Well, except for the flamingo.

Dwight:And FDR.

Dwight:Standing desks increase productivity by 47%. Studies show that employees who stand burn an extra 3,000 calories per day. That's equivalent to running a marathon while sitting down.

Jim:That's not how math works.

Dwight:False. That's exactly how math works. I've done the calculations. Actually, I've recalculated, and it's closer to 4,000 calories. Per hour.

Dwight:You are all sheep. Sitting in those chairs, following the herd. But I see the truth. These are not mere office chairs. They are vessels of enlightenment. Join me, and together we will ascend beyond the mundane cubicle existence. We will become one with the ergonomic perfection. Reject your earthly comfort. Embrace the cult of the chair.

Jim:Dwight, that standing desk is genius. I'm thinking about getting one myself. You really are a forward-thinking guy.

Dwight:Thank you, Jim. I appreciate that.

Jim:Yeah, in fact, I bet you could convince corporate to make standing desks mandatory for everyone. You've got that kind of influence.

Dwight:Well, I don't know about that...

Jim:No, no, you should definitely email Toby about it. Really push it.

Coworker:Dwight, I thought you never sat down at work.

Dwight:False. I am sitting down. Therefore, I do sit down at work. You've been logically defeated.

Dwight:Oh, very funny, Jim. What's next, are you going to put my stapler in Jell-O? Oh wait, you already did that. Twice.

Jim:Oops.

Dwight:I'm not picking that up.

Jim:Really? Because it's right there.

Dwight:I know what you're doing, and I'm not going to fall for it. I have more important things to do than clean up after you.

Jim:Okay.

Dwight:Don't think I don't see the pattern here, Halpert. This is a test of my will, and you're not going to break me.

Andy:Andrew Bernard... that's me! That's my full name right there on the form.

Andy:Look at that. All three names. Andrew. Bernard. Bernard. I'm a whole person!

Robert California:My wife can work here.

Andy Bernard:That's great!

Robert California:Actually, no. No, she can't. She's a very difficult woman.

Jim:Yeah, so Robert just said he hired his wife based on merit, but then also said nepotism doesn't exist in his company. So... I'm not sure what he thinks merit is.

Andy:We're gonna start our own charity. It's called Make-A-Wish, but for adults. And it's gonna be called Make-A-Profit.

Andy:I don't think Susan is right for this position.

Robert California:Andy, I'm going to stop you right there. Susan will be joining us. And I think you'll find that people are far more cooperative when they know where you live.

Dwight:This is my makeshift gym. I've been working out here for years.

Dwight:You know what your problem is? You're obese. But I can help you with that.

Dwight:Buy our product, lose the weight, problem solved.

Dwight:Obese people are more expensive to society. First, they require larger seats, larger beds, larger coffins. Second, they consume more food, which drives up agricultural costs. Third, they take up more space in hospitals, requiring specially reinforced equipment. Fourth, their heavier bodies cause more wear and tear on infrastructure — sidewalks, escalators, airplane seats. Fifth, they're less productive at work because they tire more easily. Sixth, they have more health problems, which increases insurance premiums for everyone. And seventh... well, frankly, they're just disgusting to look at, which lowers workplace morale.

Dwight:The obesity crisis costs this country $147 billion a year. If we could just get people to stop eating so much, we'd save trillions. It's simple economics.

Jim:Dwight, that doesn't even make sense.

Dwight:It makes perfect sense. Less food consumed equals less money spent on healthcare. Supply and demand.

Pam:But people need to eat.

Dwight:Not as much as they do. If Americans just ate what I eat, we'd be the healthiest, most efficient nation on Earth. And the richest. Survival of the fittest. That's capitalism.

Susan:Actually, it's pronounced 'Susan,' not 'Susanna.'

Ryan:Well, nobody asked you.

Erin:In movies, when there's two of anything, it's always better. Two heads are better than one. Two of me would be amazing.

Ryan:By that logic, Planet of the Apes would be better than Apes.

Dwight:Selling is not just about the transaction, Susan. It's about understanding the client's needs, building rapport, establishing trust, reading body language, knowing when to push and when to back off, understanding market conditions, competitor analysis, and closing techniques that took me years to master.

Susan:So what you're saying is you just ask them if they want to buy it?

Dwight:...Yes.

Dwight:Sales is the second-easiest job in the office.

Phyllis:What's the easiest?

Dwight:My job.

Phyllis:Regional Manager?

Dwight:No, Assistant Regional Manager.

Phyllis:But you're not the Regional Manager.

Dwight:Assistant TO the Regional Manager.

Phyllis:Okay, so that's not easier than sales.

Andy:Come on, Susan, you gotta go. Just... just do something disgusting. Burp! Fart! Sneeze on me! Anything!

Darryl:Yo, what is all this? This look like a medieval torture chamber, man.

Dwight:It's a home gym. Completely functional.

Darryl:Functional for what? Breaking bones? That right there looks like something they used in the Spanish Inquisition.

Darryl:Yeah, no. That doesn't make any sense.

Robert California:I'm going to beat around the bush here. You're fired.

Robert California:When you call a client, you need to sound professional and authoritative.

Andy:Got it. I'm ready.

Robert California:Now, let's say you're calling your grandmother. How would you pronounce it?

Andy:Gra-ma.

Robert California:Yes, hello? Oh, wonderful to hear from you. How have you been? That's fantastic. Listen, I wanted to discuss the quarterly projections with you, and I think we should really focus on synergy and—WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE TAKING THE ACCOUNT TO ANOTHER FIRM?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?!

Robert:Why didn't you say goodbye?

Andy:I was going to, but I got all choked up. You know, I was thinking about all the memories we've shared, all the late nights we've spent together in this office, and I just... I couldn't find the words. Because how do you say goodbye to someone who's meant so much to you? How do you walk out that door knowing you might never see them again? I mean, we've been through so much together, and I just felt like if I opened my mouth, I'd just start crying like a baby, and I didn't want to do that in front of everyone, so I just... I just left.

Kevin:I don't need to go to the gym. I get plenty of exercise at home.

Kevin:If you know what I mean.

Susan:Do you have your passport?

Oscar:Yeah, I carry it with me everywhere. You never know when you might need to travel.

Susan:Have you ever actually used it for an adventure?

Oscar:Well... no. I've never actually used it.

Andy Bernard:Okay everyone, I need you to be mean to Susan. Really mean. I'm trying to teach her a lesson.

Unknown coworker:Oh, we'd be happy to help! Susan's great though. She always remembers my birthday and asks about my family.

Andy Bernard:No, no, no. Mean. Be MEAN to her.

Unknown coworker:But honestly, she brings in homemade cookies every Friday and she's just such a genuinely kind person.

Erin:I'm going to make Susan so uncomfortable. I'm going to put her stapler in Jello.

Jim:That's... that's what I did to Dwight.

Erin:I know! I'm going to make her feel how you made him feel!

Angela:This is Sprinkles in the kitchen ladle.

Dwight:That cat is sitting in a ladle?

Angela:Yes, he loves it.

Susan:That cat's really in the ladle now.

Angela:Actually, that's a spoon, not a ladle.

Susan:I really can't stand my boss's wife.

Robert California:I need to get going. I was just at the ATM downtown, and there's this homeless man who uses it every day at 3 PM. I'd hate to disrupt his routine.

Andy:That's what she said... no wait, that doesn't work here. Um, bye Robert, don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

Susan:How would you describe Robert's communication style?

Andy:Oh, he's all about that direct honesty thing. No filter, super blunt.

Susan:So he just says whatever comes to mind?

Andy:Yep, no cap.

Kevin:I like to take my time at the gym. You know, really savor the experience.

Dwight:That's the same approach you take with a rotisserie chicken.

Dwight:Kevin, I'm going to transform you. By this time next year, you'll be a completely different person.

Kevin:Really? Like LeBron James?

Dwight:It's pronounced 'LeBron James,' Kevin.

Kevin:That's what I said. LeBron James.

Andy:You just said five minutes ago that you loved it.

Robert California:I'm going to stop you right there. I didn't say that. And even if I did, so what? People change their minds. It's called growth. Maybe you should try it sometime.

Andy:Jim? Jim! Where'd he go? He was just here!

Dwight:He went out the window.

Andy:What? How did he—

Dwight:Like a ninja. Two-story drop, rolled across the parking lot, disappeared into the woods. Very impressive.

Jim:Creed, if anyone asks, I'm not here, okay? I'm hiding from Pam.

Creed:Jim's not here.

Jim:No, Creed, you have to actually lie. Make it convincing.

Creed:Oh. Jim's definitely not here. I haven't seen him all day. Also, he owes me money.

Jim:Why would you add that?

Creed:So they believe me. Who's your friend over there?

Jim:What friend?

Creed:That guy with the camera. He's been following you around all day.

Jim:Oh, that's... never mind.

Dwight:Kevin, you need to exercise. Your body is a temple.

Kevin:I get enough exercise walking to the vending machine.

Dwight:That's pathetic. You know who was cool? The Fonz. And you know why? Stretching. He stretched every single day. That's where his coolness came from. Not the leather jacket, not the motorcycle—the stretching.

Jim:Working with your spouse is actually really hard. You're together all the time, and then you come home and you're still together. There's no escape. But you know what the worst part is? When she's not here. I miss her.

Dwight:Kevin, you need to stop eating so much. You're weak, you're slow, and you're holding this office back!

Kevin:Dwight, I hear what you're saying, and I appreciate that you're coming from a place of concern. But I'm going to choose to love myself today.

Kevin:My fitness motivation is Val.

Dwight:Val Kilmer? The actor?

Kevin:No, my girlfriend Val.

Dwight:Oh. I thought you meant Val Kilmer.

Dwight:Kevin's motivation has always been clear to me. He wants to be like Kevin Bacon.

Jim:Dwight, Kevin has a girlfriend named Erin now.

Dwight:Exactly. He's trying to impress Kevin Bacon.