Couples Discount

Or it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday. Alakazam.

And poof, he disappears.

Bam, Andy! How do ya like me now?

You know, when I was a kid we had a dog who got real sick, and we had to send him to a farm. And on his last day, we did everything he loved.

Rink-a-dit doo, rika-doot-deet doo, rika-deet-doo.

I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to.

Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

So, I guess it's good-bye, chunky lemon milk.

Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out, no consequences.

Or the mini-mall.

But I mean, if you don't have one of those, you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.

Phyll, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.

They use a watch repair kit.

No. Yes. Yes. Why wouldn't I?

I wanna pretend to be gay. I got no problem with that.

Stop talking about it. I said I'm fine with it.

Oh, my God, that's less romantic.

Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl.

And you know what? I think you are developing. We should go and get you a training bra.

She's living a lie.

Turns out I can't even be in a pretend relationship.

Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More in love than your small mind can comprehend.

And we have two disposable incomes and no kids, and we're taking our business elsewhere.

We're splitting up.

You're back. And you're disgusting.

I guess I can cancel my order from zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived.

I am really, really bad at breakups. Technically, I'm still dating my first-grade boyfriend.

I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And I forgot to get him something.

It's called bembe. ♪ Yoruba yoruba aruba yoruba yoruba yoruba aruba raruba ♪

Hey, burning man, if it's not selling out too much, you might wanna throw on a tie.

It's in every bembe cafe.

At least my crying won't get you fired.

Just say the word 'coolio.'

that was not... how I had hoped that would go.

Two seconds of the turd dog, and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.

All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.

He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky lemon milk.

I'd like to rat out Andy, but unfortunately I have a bit of a 'boy who cried wolf' dynamic with David Wallace. Except instead of a boy I'm a man, and instead of a wolf, I cried, 'genetically-engineered monster wolf.'

Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no narc. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no narc.

Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover? Hi.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ It's Andy.

Lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy. The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.

And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokesbabe of Dunder Mifflin.

Yeah, in the European billboards, she's gonna be topless.

I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in the 'fire.' Well, that's one of 'em, you know. Making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.

Really playing the scales, huh?

I mean, my parents lasted 30, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time.

I know you may not be feeling love for me right now, but if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So I'll feel good.

All right, put your dukes up, Beesly.

What was that about three months?