Vandalism

Erin:Well, Darryl's here somewhere. It's like Santa Claus showing up on a regular Thursday.

Erin:Darryl and Santa are both here!

Erin:Wait, no, Santa's not real. It's just Darryl in a suit!

Erin:Darryl's being sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. Super sneaky. Sneaky sneaky sneaky sneaky. He's being real sneaky about this whole Philly thing.

Erin:Darryl, I want you to meet Bear-yl.

Darryl:Bear-yl?

Erin:It's a bear. And his name rhymes with yours.

Darryl:Yeah, the prize was free.

Darryl:But I spent like two hundred dollars on tickets to win it.

Darryl:I'm just playing along because Erin gets excited about this stuff. She thinks we're doing something sneaky and dangerous, but really we're just walking to the break room.

Erin:This is so cool! We're like spies!

Darryl:Yeah, we're spies. Very dangerous spies getting coffee.

Pam:I'm actually really proud of this mural. I think it's some of my best work.

Pam:Oh my God. Oh my God, no.

Pam:Someone drew butts. They drew butts all over my mural.

Angela:What? No, there won't be any children at Phillip's birthday party.

Kevin:I'll donate eight dollars.

Jim:Wow, that's a whopping eight dollars.

Angela:No, Kevin. I can't accept this.

Angela:Oh, it's just so hard having to exclude everyone from my Christmas party. I feel just terrible about it.

Angela:But someone has to maintain standards.

Oscar:He's a senator. He can't be seen with a guy like me. It would hurt his image.

Oscar:So we just... we keep it private. And that's fine. That's just how it is.

Jim:Darryl and I, we're like sexy-ass roommates.

Jim:We cook together, we clean together, we just... we get each other, you know?

Darryl:Yeah, I'm living with Jim now. It's not going well.

Darryl:The man has dishes in the sink that have been soaking for three weeks. Three weeks! I asked him, 'Jim, when are you gonna wash these?' He's like, 'They're soaking.' I said, 'Soaking in what? Regret?'

Pam:Okay, so someone has been vandalizing the warehouse, and I need whoever did it to just... step forward. I know I don't know most of your names, so just... raise your hand if it was you?

Pam:Okay, you guys need to stop this right now or I'm going to have to call corporate, and nobody wants that.

Pam:And you're all going to have to sit in time-out until you can apologize to each other.

Pam:I'm staying upstairs and I'm not coming down.

Pam:Actually, I can leave whenever I want.

Pam:I don't demand justice often.

Pam:But Angela sued the Humane Society because they wouldn't let her use their mating videos in her cat calendar.

Jim:So we're targeting the Scranton branch clients?

Darryl:Yeah, man. This is gonna be huge!

Jim:I know! I've already started organizing my color-coded spreadsheets!

Darryl:Color-coded? Dude, I'm laminating mine.

Jim:You're laminating a spreadsheet?

Darryl:It's gonna be waterproof. This is serious business.

Pam:Wait, is this meeting even real?

Clark:Of course it's real! It's a super-secret meeting!

Clark:ATTENTION EVERYONE! SUPER-SECRET MEETING IN Conference Room B! DO NOT TELL ANYONE!

Kevin:So someone put paint on the wall?

Pam:Yes, Kevin. That's vandalism.

Kevin:But where did they put the paint?

Pam:On the wall. The wall in the break room.

Kevin:Right, but like... on the front of the wall or the back of the wall?

Pam:The front, Kevin. The side that faces into the room.

Kevin:Okay, but is that the side where the paint is now, or the side where the paint used to be?

Pam:It's where the paint is now, which is also where someone put it.

Kevin:So if I go look at that wall, the paint I see will be the vandalism paint?

Pam:Yes, exactly.

Kevin:Not like, a different paint that's covering up the vandalism paint?

Creed:Someone wrote my phone number on the bathroom wall. I had to go in there and correct it.

Creed:The first number was a 7. I gave it a 6.

Pam:What can we do about the vandalism?

Oscar:I was already not caring about it.

Pam:Will you help me?

Dwight:I hate art. But I hate crime more.

Nellie:I'll help you. I'm bored out of my mind.

Pam:I want a righteous mob. I'm talking pitchforks, torches, the whole thing.

Jim:Okay, well, we got two people.

Pam:Two people with pitchforks is actually more dangerous.

Pam:Do you have a pitchfork?

Dwight:Of course I do.

Angela:Dwight, I have a networking opportunity for you at the agricultural conference.

Dwight:Angela, I appreciate the offer, but I must decline on principle. I only attend events where I can discuss beet-salt for de-icing on my own terms.

Angela:It's just a networking event, Dwight.

Dwight:Just a networking event? Angela, my integrity is not for sale. Though I will say, beet-salt is far superior to traditional rock salt. The beets add structural integrity and nutrient value to the soil.

Dwight:I will identify the vandal by comparing the butt drawings to known samples.

Dwight:Actually, that's my fetish.

Dwight:The warehouse workers are refusing to draw butts for the calendar.

Nellie:Well, we'll just have them draw something else. How about... peaches?

Dwight:Those look like butts.

Nellie:Fine. Balloons then.

Dwight:Those look like butts.

Nellie:Okay, what about... round hills?

Dwight:Butts.

Nellie:Well, you could draw a... a posterior. You know, the gluteal region. Very anatomically accurate. With the dimples on the sides, and the sort of... cleft in the middle. Maybe add some hair follicles for realism. Or freckles. Some posteriors have freckles. I once knew a man with a birthmark shaped like a—well, never mind that. Point is, you could make it quite lifelike. Perhaps even add some... texture. To show the skin cellulite, or the musculature underneath. Really capture the essence of a well-defined—or not well-defined—derrière.

Dwight:I'm going to tell everyone there's a family emergency so I can get you alone.

Nate:Yeah, okay. You do that like twice a week anyway.

Michael:Nate, we need to talk about the vandalism in the bathroom.

Nate:Yeah, well, you ever notice how gum loses its flavor in like two minutes but if you swallow it, it stays in your stomach for seven years?

Michael:Nate, focus. Did you or did you not write on the stall?

Nate:I'm just saying, that's a lot of gum accumulating in there.

Dwight:I promised you gum, didn't I? Well, here's the thing about promises, Nate. They're like gum. They lose their flavor.

Nate:But you said I could have gum.

Dwight:I lied.

Nate:Why would you do that?

Oscar:These canapés are arranged by ascending order of pretension. First, you have your basic crudités—vegetables, very pedestrian. Then the cheese course, which signals a certain sophistication. And finally, the foie gras, which announces to everyone that the hostess has completely abandoned her sense of proportion and good taste.

Oscar:She's like a guinea hen - tiny, but somehow still terrifying.

Jim:Oh man, Darryl, I am so sorry. I didn't realize that was your thermos. I feel terrible.

Darryl:No, no, it's fine, it's totally fine. Don't even worry about it.

Jim:No, but I feel awful. I should have asked. I'm really sorry.

Darryl:Seriously, it's nothing. Don't apologize. It's just a thermos.

Jim:But I violated your personal space and your beverage container. I'm genuinely sorry.

Darryl:Jim, stop. You're making me feel bad for you feeling bad. Please.

Jim:Okay, but just know that I'm deeply sorry.

Darryl:Now I'm sorry that you're sorry.

Jim:Well now I'm sorry that you're sorry that I'm sorry.

Jim:I'll wash that for you.

Darryl:Oh, that's okay. I don't want it soaking in the sink for three weeks like your dishes.

Nellie:Well, I count three 'sorries' in there, so I'm calling that a win.

Dwight:Pam is usually very docile, very easy to push around. But when she gets angry, when that vengeful side comes out... I find it very attractive.

Dwight:She's got this fire in her eyes, and her ass looks great when she's mad.

Nellie:You know, the Romans had a saying: 'Revenge is a dish best served cold.' I prefer mine served with a side of your complete and utter humiliation.

Michael:I just want to say that I love Spanish people. I love their culture, their traditions, their...passion.

Michael:And I would like to say something in Spanish. Ahem. 'Hola, me llamo es Michael. Yo quiero...tequila.'

Michael:You know, because that's what Hispanic people drink. That's their thing.

Oscar:You could have invited Salma Hayek, or... or Danny Trejo, or...

Oscar:Wait, is Penelope Cruz Spanish or...? No, she's Spanish.

Oscar:What about... Ricky Martin? He's Puerto Rican.

Oscar:Actually, you know what? I'm not doing this anymore. This is offensive.

Jim:Darryl, you need to label your food in the break room. It's basic office courtesy.

Darryl:Okay, okay. But what if I made bread? Should I label it?

Jim:Yes, of course.

Darryl:What if I made it with my bare hands?

Jim:Still yes.

Darryl:What if I made it in my bathtub?

Jim:What? No. Don't do that.

Darryl:But would I have to label it?

Darryl:Jim, did you eat my leftovers?

Jim:I... yeah. I did. I'm sorry, man. I was hungry and they smelled really good.

Darryl:You know what? That's the third time this month.

Jim:I know, I know. I'll replace them.

Dwight:You will be banished to the parking lot, where you will sit in your car and contemplate your crimes against the office.

Dwight:You will be stripped of your stapler and your dignity.

Dwight:You will become untouchable—literally, no one may speak to you or make eye contact.

Dwight:You will be assigned to the lowest caste in the office hierarchy, below even the interns.

Darryl:Yeah, I'm in. Let's get Jim back for what he did.

Pam:Really? That's great!

Darryl:But while we're planning this, can I just say? Jim's been really annoying me lately. The way he talks, the way he walks around here like he owns the place.

Pam:Wait, I thought you were cool with Jim?

Darryl:I was, but man, he's been getting on my nerves.

Angela:We need to position everyone for the photo. Let's get the wheelchair in front.

Oscar:Actually, I think the wheelchair should be in the back so everyone can see.

Angela:No, it needs to be front and center for visibility.

Oscar:Front and center? That's going to block half the people behind it.

Angela:Well, we can't just hide it in the back like it's something to be ashamed of.

Oscar:I'm not suggesting we hide it. I'm suggesting we use basic photography principles.

Angela:Fine. Middle row then.

Oscar:The middle row blocks the back row, Angela.

Angela:So what do you suggest?

Oscar:How about we just take a normal photo like normal people?

Pam:Oh my God, Dwight, this is amazing! Is that a butt?

Dwight:It's a donkey.

Pam:It's perfect.

Dwight:I like this side of you, Pam. Vengeful. Dangerous.

Pam:Well, you know what? I miss Angela. And I'm going to find her.

Pam:And when I do, I'm going to slash all of her paintings.

Kevin:Hey Robert, great party! Your place looks amazing.

Robert:Thanks Kevin, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

Kevin:Yeah, well actually, no. This party is terrible. Your decorations are tacky, the food is cold, and frankly, you're a pretty awful host. Also, you're kind of a jerk.

Jim:Yes! I won!

Jim:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Computer/Game:You Win!