Roys Wedding

A wheel is supposed to spin.

guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-h-guh...

Yuck. Boring. All she talks about is chores.

A wheel wants to spin, Pam.

Big money, big money.

This sucks. Yeah, seriously, it's like everything on there's work.

Yeah, and I don't think that you understand wheels.

The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores, but they were right. It's more fun this way.

Tiny wheel! Tiny wheel!

The tiny wheel actually does have chores.

It's so cute, no one seems to mind.

Toilets! Aww.

I think the only weird thing about going to your wife's ex-fiancee's wedding on a weekday at 8 AM is that it's your wife's ex-fiancee.

Come on, not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding. I planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.

Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time. That's really nice.

This election thing is crazy, right?

Yeah. I accidentally read it. It's not a nice letter.

Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far, but this one is about charity so I'd like to see him piss on that one.

Would you like me to take your peel?

I started a new business with my college friend, but Pam doesn't know. Um, actually I... I did tell Pam, and we decided no, but then I decided 'yes, anyway,' so I'm thinking there's another conversation coming, and it's hard to know when that will be.

Listen to this. They give a poor person like a goat or something. It's a great prank.

I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and Help Build Gnomes.

I will not be participating, as there is no evidence that charity works.

I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling... Changes Lives.

I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.

Fine, I choose the Global Relief Foundation... which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban!

The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin, though.

The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You're welcome.

Come on, if it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura. But seriously, could've dodged a bullet on that one. Just kidding.

I started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it would take off?

Not gravel, obviously.

He's got a $50,000 sports car.

I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer, and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind. Is it Duncan?

You'll just come over, put on a little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine, and then we'll just run through a few stories... with a couple different outfits.

Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn and Rob, but you don't know them.

I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO or for a brain surgeon?

I thought she was my waitress, and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place.

He plays piano? No. Roy? No.

You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this

Yes, but what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was... It was an away game. In Phoenix.

They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams.

Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement and bought the winning numbers the next day, and then, played the tape for me the next week... And you thought you guys were millionaires. You heard that one.

That you thought you were millionaires. That's funny. That's all right.

The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next.

You support the Taliban abroad, so I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.

Absolutely, I will.

I feared Nelly had some sort of a plan, but she used a ridiculous font. You don't have a plan! When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan.

This is a lovely pen, and it's mine now, because I stole it.

That means you're not serious, or someone's getting their hand cut off.

will have to chop off my hand.

I suggest you spend some quality time together, just you and your hand, tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two-hand activities that you'll miss the most.

Something low-cut, because the camera makes everything seem higher-cut. Really? Yeah, industry secret.

And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes, but I probably got one that she could borrow at my place, so...

Thank God someone here knows what they're talkin' about.

Guess I'll just head over to the mall then, buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits. That Clark, huh?

What is the craziest place you ever made whoopee? Language. Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?

John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to Johnny... Johnny Depp.

Um, I was having a separate conversation with Kevin?

I think maybe they're actually is something I don't know about Jim.

Andy made me his consigliere, which means assistant regional manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather because I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile.

I like Scarface 'cause I'm black.

Why not her credibility or her reliability?

Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that moustache ride.

I will do whatever it takes to get the job. Whatever it takes.

Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country, promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas.

A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events.

Pause after news. For Channel 11 News, I'm Erin Hannon. No, pause longer.

I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced, and he hit on me in the mall. And I didn't tell you because... I don't know, I felt embarrassed, and I didn't know if you'd be mad or worried, but anyway, I thought you'd wanna know.

That didn't happen. You would've told me right away. Yeah, I would've.

God, give it up, Beesly. You know me too well.

Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host. He's already doing camera. Somebody who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know.

127 Hours. It's about this guy who... No, no, no, no, no spoilers. Please.

Well, he tried to, but the fire door was blocked. He sure did.

I could do a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing.

So this is a single. Hey, even this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it, and maybe it'll work out for Andy.

Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time. Whoop-de-doo. That doesn't make you a genius.

You're the stupid one. Like you. You, you, you, you, you...