New Guys

Dwight:This summer, I've been training my digestive system to process more efficient fuel sources. I've successfully consumed a steady diet of beet juice, raw egg whites, and liquefied nutrients extracted from the forest floor.

Dwight:My stomach acid is now strong enough to dissolve steel. I'm basically a human furnace.

Doctor:I have some news about your paternity test results.

Dwight:Yes, I'm the father. I knew it.

Doctor:Actually, you're not the biological father.

Dwight:What? That's impossible. I was so sure.

Dwight:I am not the father.

Dwight:I am... free.

Kevin:I hit a turtle with my car.

Kevin:So I went to the store and bought a bunch of turtle food and just... left it there by the road.

Kevin:I figured he'd come back for it.

Kevin:Yeah, I'm just gonna... put these pieces back together like a jigsaw puzzle.

Jim:Kevin, that's a living creature.

Kevin:I know what I'm doing. I've done a lot of puzzles.

Kevin:Well, I mean, at least I'm consistent.

Kevin:I've been working on this rescue plan for weeks. I've mapped out every detail, coordinated with everyone, made contingency plans for the contingency plans.

Jim:Kevin, they were never actually in danger.

Kevin:What?

Pam:Yeah, we found them ten minutes after you started.

Jim:You know, for someone who says they're not that good at art, you sure do spend a lot of time not selling it.

Jim:So your friend's gonna make billions from this idea?

Jim:And he's offering you... what, like fifty bucks?

Kelly:I'm so excited! I'm going to Miami this weekend!

Jim:Oh nice, that sounds fun.

Kelly:Yeah, I'm going to go to South Beach, party all night, meet some hot guys...

Jim:Kelly, you're going to Miami, Ohio.

Kelly:What?

Kelly:Oh my God, I am so excited! Miami is going to be amazing!

Someone:Actually Kelly, you're going to Ohio.

Kelly:What? Ohio? That's not tropical at all!

Ryan:I'm moving to Ohio. It's going to be the next Silicon Valley. I'm calling it 'Silicon Cornfield.'

Ryan:These are my clothes.

Ryan:They're not garbage.

Pam:Our life together is going to be really boring. We're probably just going to stay in Scranton, work at Dunder Mifflin, have a few kids, and... I don't know, die.

Jim:Sounds perfect to me.

Creed:There's a trash can right there. How do you not see it?

Meredith:Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. Don't mind me, I'm just gonna need you to do me a little favor.

Pete:I'm not the new Jim. Jim set the bar really high.

Dwight:Well, nobody wants to be compared to someone else.

Ryan:Yeah, it's like saying someone's the new me. I wouldn't want that.

Kelly:Oh my god, nobody could be the new me anyway.

Andy:You know, out in the wilderness, you don't need a clock. The sun tells you when to wake up, when to work, when to sleep. It's all very natural.

Andy:But we've become so dependent on these things. Clocks. Watches. Time itself. It's unnecessary.

Andy:I went three weeks without checking the time once. Best three weeks of my life.

Andy:Alright, based on my extensive outdoor experience, I'm gonna give everyone nicknames. Kevin, you're 'Bear,' because you're big and strong. Pam, you're 'Doe,' graceful and elegant. Jim, you're 'Buck,' majestic and—

Pete:What about me?

Andy:You're 'Scat.'

Pete:Why?

Andy:Because you're always leaving it everywhere.

Andy:I'm gonna call you 'Tuna.'

Clark:Oh, I like that! That's cool!

Andy:Oh my God, you guys look exactly alike!

Dwight:What? No we don't.

Clark:Yeah, I don't see it.

Andy:You're both wearing shirts! You both have faces! This is insane!

Dwight:Yes, I am like a father to Jim. And one day, when I'm gone, Jim will be like a father to his son. And that son will be like a father to his son. And so on, and so on. Until eventually, we're all just fathers.

Kevin:Having to remind myself not to literally eat them.

Angela:Comstock wears denim pants. Not by choice, of course. I make him wear them. It's a defining characteristic.

Kevin:I'll take care of your cat. I'm great with animals.

Oscar:Didn't your turtle die?

Kevin:That was different. I was learning.

Kevin:What? I was just trying to help the turtle. I thought if I gave it a bath, it would be cleaner and happier. How was I supposed to know you're not supposed to use a pressure washer on a turtle?

Oscar:I'm a dog person.

Angela:Well, dogs are unclean animals. The Bible says so.

Oscar:No it doesn't.

Andy:I went to Outward Bound and I learned so much about myself. I conquered my fears, I pushed my body to its limits, and I came back a better man.

Andy:You know what the most transformative moment was? I tied my own shoes without the instructor's help.

Andy:Toby, you don't remember anything. You're like a human goldfish.

Toby:That's not fair, Andy.

Andy:Michael was right about you.

Dwight:So what kind of farming do you prefer?

Clark:Well, I like it when it's long and hard, you know? Really gets deep in there.

Dwight:I'm talking about crop rotation.

Clark:Oh. Well that too, I guess.

Dwight:False. Beets are the most romantic crop. I've seduced many women in the beet fields under the moonlight. The soil is rich, the air is thick with the scent of fertile earth. It's very sensual.

Dwight:Paranoid? I'm not paranoid. Everyone's just out to get me. I have to assume that everyone is trying to steal my job, sabotage my sales, or report me to corporate. It's not paranoia if they're actually after you.

Dwight:Clark is a threat. A wolf in sheep's clothing. No, a wolf in a business suit. Actually, a wolf in a Clark Kent outfit, which is ironic because Clark is his name. He's like a Trojan horse, except the horse is made of ambition and poor life choices.

Dwight:I have achieved a red belt in karate.

Jim:Wow, that's impressive. What comes after red?

Dwight:Black belt, obviously. It's the highest rank.

Jim:So there's nothing above black? No like... darker black?

Angela:I need to make sure my cats go to good homes. They need to be with people who share my values.

Dwight:What kind of values?

Angela:Well, they need to be... a certain type of family. You know, the right kind of people. Not just anyone can adopt from me.

Oscar:Angela, are you seriously screening cat owners like they're applying for a country club?

Angela:I just want them in homes that are... culturally compatible with their needs.

Nellie:I'm not going to use that word. It's unprofessional and frankly, beneath me.

Nellie:You're being a real b*tch right now.

Andy:So I tried slacklining last weekend and completely wiped out. Now at work, whenever someone messes up, I'm like, 'Oh, you really Schruted that presentation.' Or 'Nice Dwight, spilling coffee on yourself.' And my personal favorite: 'You totally Jim'd that relationship.'

Jim:Okay Pete, quick question. What's a team sport?

Pete:Oh, easy. Like when you and your friends go bowling together.

Jim:Bowling? That's not really a team sport.

Pete:Sure it is. We're all on the same team because we're all bowling at the same alley.

Jim:That's not what makes it a team sport, Pete.

Pete:Well what about golf? That's definitely a team sport because you and your buddy are golfing together.

Jim:Wait, you're not a Phillies fan?

Pete:No, I'm a Yankees fan.

Jim:You're from Pennsylvania though, right?

Pete:Yeah, but the Yankees are better.

Jim:I've tried everything with Pete. I really have.

Jim:But at this point, I think Andy's right. He's a total Nard Dog.

Andy:You're doing great, Nellie! Keep it up!

Andy:Actually, no. You're terrible at this. Like, genuinely one of the worst things I've ever seen.

Andy:You should try slacklining, Darryl. It's really fun.

Darryl:Slacklining? That's a white people thing.

Andy:As American as hot apple pie... and failure.

Dwight:I'm going down!

Jim:That's a yard sale.

Crude commentary on body parts hitting equipment

Andy:I'm really good at slackline. I can walk across it forwards, backwards, even on one foot.

Erin:That's amazing, Andy! I tried it once and fell off immediately.

Andy:Yeah, well, that's because your generation doesn't have the balance and coordination that mine does.

Erin:Andy, we're only like five years apart.

Andy:Exactly.

Dwight:Slacklining is an ancient practice dating back to the 1970s. It requires balance, core strength, and mental fortitude.

Jim:Dwight, you fell off after two seconds.

Dwight:That's because I was distracted by your inferior posture. Slacklining is not some child's game like jump rope or hopscotch. It is a serious discipline practiced by monks and—

Jim:You were literally doing the exact same movements as a kid on a balance beam.

Dwight:That is a gross oversimplification and frankly, offensive.

Angela:Pete has no ambition. He's just like Jim.

Pete:Wait, what? I thought you liked Jim.

Angela:I do. But you're both mediocre. At least Jim has the decency to prank people about it.

Dwight:Come on, Pam. Just try it. It's perfectly safe.

Pam:Dwight, no. I'm not doing that.

Dwight:Why not? What are you afraid of?

Pam:I'm actually really happy with my life the way it is.

Dwight:...What?

Pam:What if we put Phyllis on the other end?

Dwight:Phyllis weighs more than me. The seesaw would catapult me into the stratosphere.

Angela:Mark loves Sprinkles more than he loves me. I'm not even joking. He spends more time with that cat than he does with his own wife.

Angela:Last night he chose to sleep in Sprinkles' room instead of our bedroom. He said the cat needed him.

Angela:I guess that answers the question of where I stand in this marriage.

Oscar:Bon appétit.

Angela:Did you just tell my cat to sit?

Dwight:I have decided to regain respect in this office by mastering a single, dominant skill that will make everyone acknowledge my superiority.

Jim:What skill?

Dwight:Stapler throwing.

Dwight:You only live once, Jim. YOLO. That's why I'm doing this stunt. To prove I'm superior.

Jim:Dwight, that's not what YOLO means. And you're about to jump off the roof.

Dwight:Exactly. YOLO means take risks. And I'm the best risk-taker in this office.

Jim:No, it means... you know what, do it.

Jim:While Dwight's doing his whole thing, I've decided to move our entire client database to a new system. Effective immediately.

Creed:You know, I've been thinking about our company's future. We're really dominating the pharmaceutical industry.

Jim:Creed, we work at a paper company.

Creed:That's what they want you to think.

Nellie:I didn't do that. I was just standing here. I didn't throw anything. My hands were occupied with my coffee mug the entire time. I have witnesses. Well, I don't have witnesses, but I could get witnesses if I needed them.

Nellie:I have many passions. Environmental consciousness, of course. And vindictiveness.