The Target

Oscar:I'm worried Angela's going to find out about me and Dwight.

Oscar:But then I realized - Angela is normally cold, awkward, and cruel to everyone. If she found out and was hostile to me, that would actually be good news. It would mean she finally cares about something.

Angela:Can I ask a question?

Oscar:You can ask questions. Plural. Many questions.

Angela:Is it cold in here?

Oscar:Cold? No, no, it's not cold. Why would it be cold? The thermostat is fine. I checked it.

Oscar:Multiple times. Today. Just now.

Angela:I just asked if it was cold...

Oscar:And I'm telling you it's NOT cold! It's a perfect temperature. Ideal. No problems with the temperature whatsoever!

Oscar:Everything is normal and fine and there is absolutely nothing suspicious about the temperature or anything else!

Oscar:Angela doesn't suspect anything because she's too busy being judgmental about everyone else's lives to notice what's happening in her own.

Jim:Ladies and gentlemen, Pam has officially ceased caring about her appearance.

Jim:So Pam's finally painting. That's great. You know what we should call her technique? The Duchess of Delay. It's a very prestigious title.

Jim:I need to work part-time at Athlead because it's my company and I'm invested in making it work.

Jim:Although, honestly, if I'd been there from the beginning, we probably wouldn't have named it Athlead.

Pam:You know what? I'm just gonna say it. That pitch was terrible. Like, really bad. You basically told him you have no idea what you're doing, and then you asked him for money.

Pam:Also, you kept saying 'um' every three seconds, and at one point I'm pretty sure you forgot what a printer was.

Jim:You know, Pam, I think you're missing the bigger picture here. There are bigger fish to fry.

Erin:I've been entering the same data over and over again. It's like, the numbers just keep coming back.

Andy:You know what you need to do? Just chillax.

Erin:Chillax?

Andy:Yeah, just relax. Don't think about it so much.

Andy:You know what, I'm going home.

Erin:I'm so tired of entering this meaningless data all day. It doesn't matter. Nothing I do matters.

Erin:You know what? I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to build a paper house right here at my desk.

Erin:That'll show them. That'll show Corporate that I'm not just some mindless data entry robot.

Angela:Dwight, I called you here because I need to discuss something serious about the office.

Dwight:Angela, I know why you called me here. You want me. Finally, you've admitted your feelings.

Angela:What? No! Dwight, this is about—

Dwight:Don't be shy. I've seen the way you look at me. The secret meetings, the late nights... I'm prepared to give you what you want.

Angela:Dwight, I don't want anything from you except for you to stop hitting on the receptionist.

Dwight:This is a test of my commitment. Very well. I accept your terms. When do we start?

Dwight:I exercise in the nude. It's more efficient. The human body is 60% water, and when you're not constrained by fabric, evaporation occurs at a much faster rate, allowing for optimal cardiovascular performance.

Dwight:Angela, I need to know right now: are we together or are we not? Because if we're not, I'm going to start dating other women. And if we are, then you need to stop asking me to do illegal things. So what's it going to be? Because I'm not going to be your boyfriend and your criminal accomplice. Pick one or the other, because I can't have it both ways. Well, actually, I could have it both ways, but I won't.

Dwight:I need backup. Get to the office. Now.

Dwight:I'm sending this text at 11:47 PM on a Saturday night.

Contact:On my way. I was just sitting in the dark.

Jim:We're friends, right Stanley?

Stanley:No, we're not friends. Friends call each other. Friends hang out. Friends go to movies together. You've never done any of those things with me.

Kevin:Wider, up.

Pete:Wider up? That doesn't make sense.

Kevin:Just do it, Pete.

Kevin:You're not the sharpest tool in the shed, Pete.

Pete:I'm right here, you know.

Kevin:Yeah, I know.

Angela:Is it safe to talk out here?

Dwight:Of course it's safe. We're not being filmed right now.

Angela:Do you have a gun?

Trevor:I have something better — the receipt.

Angela:What?

Trevor:You can't replace the gun, but this receipt? This is irreplaceable.

Pam:You know, when you're painting, you can't just paint over your mistakes. You have to paint the whole thing. That's what I learned. But also, I think there's an arbitrary rule about how many shrubs you can have in a painting. I think it's five. No more than five shrubs.

Hide:Are you painting now?

Pam:Oh, um... no, not really. Just... dabbling.

Hide:I wait.

Kevin:Dear Dunder Mifflin, I stayed at your recommended hotel, a Franciscan seminary. It was wonderful.

Meredith:That wasn't a seminary, that was a brothel.

Angela:Trevor, I have a special project for you. It requires discretion and someone I can trust completely.

Trevor:Of course. What do you need?

Angela:I need you to kill my husband.

Trevor:Oh. Okay. When?

Trevor:Instead of murder, you could do the poop bag prank. I've been on both sides of it.

Angela:Well, I suppose kneecapping is acceptable. But who's going to clean up all the blood?

Stanley:I'll have the surf and turf.

Waiter:Excellent choice, sir.

Stanley:And put extra lobster on top.

Waiter:Extra lobster? But the surf and turf already comes with lobster.

Stanley:I know what I said.

Oscar:I made you a cookie. I hope you like it.

Angela:Oh Oscar, that's so sweet of you. Thank you.

Oscar:She liked it. She's not going to kill me.

Kevin:Darryl, you got a complaint from a customer?

Darryl:Yeah, they said I was rude to them.

Kevin:What happened?

Darryl:I was eating spaghetti.

Kevin:That's it?

Darryl:Yeah, but I'm just gonna let them think I did something cooler.

Kevin:I'm not gonna breathe on it.

Kevin:*breathes heavily on the tower*

Stanley:You know, as you get older, you realize that your body is just a prison.

Phyllis:That's true. Sometimes I look down at my hands and I don't even recognize them.

Phyllis:Like, whose hands are these? They're attached to me, but they're not mine.

Phyllis:I'm pretty sure they belong to someone else now.

Pam:I can handle this customer complaint.

Kevin:Your innocence is like a newborn baby.

Kevin:Beautiful, but it won't last long in this world.

Dwight:Oscar is gay? Oh my God. I had no idea. Well, this changes everything. I mean, I thought you were just a very meticulous man who had strong opinions about interior design.

Oscar:Yeah, well, I am gay.

Dwight:So when you go home at night, do you... do you take off your pants, and then another man... puts his... into your...?

Dwight:Your nostrils are flaring. That's a tell. When you're lying, your nostrils flare up like you're trying to suck in extra oxygen to fuel your brain's deception machine.

Angela:That's not true.

Dwight:Right now they're doing it. Look at them. They're like two little caves welcoming visitors.

Dwight:Oscar, imagine this: you're at a factory, right? A soda factory. And all the workers, they're pantless. Completely pantless. And they're all drinking diet soda straight from the machines.

Oscar:Why would they be pantless?

Dwight:That's not the point, Oscar. The point is, they're hydrating. With diet soda. Do you know what that does to the human body?

Dwight:Oscar, I need to warn you about something. There's a new person in the office and they're very dangerous.

Oscar:What? Who?

Dwight:They have a stapler. And they know how to use it.

Oscar:Why are you helping me?

Dwight:Because you're always bragging about your knees.

Dwight:Hiyah! Bonsai! Wasabi!

Trevor:Wait, I need to tell you something. My therapist says I have anger management issues.

Dwight:That's no excuse! Kiai!

Trevor:I know, but I'm working on it. This is actually really therapeutic.

Pam:Your mama is so fat, when she sits around the office, she REALLY sits around the office.

Kevin:Pam won her complaint. The mother actually died and had weight issues.

Angela:Oscar, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I do care about you. And I think you should know that. Even if you listen to that... that jazz music.

Stanley:I'll help you with that.

Phyllis:Me too. I'm very good with my hands.

Stanley:We could work together. Get it nice and moist.

Phyllis:I like to use a light touch. Massage it gently.

Stanley:Then we let it rise overnight.

Phyllis:The key is knowing when it's ready to go in.

Pam:I've realized my role models are Kevin, Creed, and Meredith.

Pam:And I'm totally okay with that.

Angela:So if two men are... together... can the straight just rub off on one of them?

Dwight:That's not how it works.

Angela:Well, how do you know? Have you been exposed?

Angela:What exactly happens during gay sex?

Angela:I mean, medically speaking, how does that even work? It's like trying to wear a medical bracelet on your ankle. Technically you could do it, but it's not what it's designed for, and honestly, it just seems wrong and confusing.

Angela:It's like a snake swallowing a mouse, except the mouse is also a snake.

Angela:We call it 'Red Vine-ing.' It's a well-known practice.

Angela:Wait, so how does that work? Does it... open up?

Oscar:No, Angela, it doesn't open up.

Angela:Well then how do two men... I mean, there has to be an opening somewhere.