David Wallace

why am i getting fired? You're not getting fired. It's redundancy.

Or one of the lucky ones in my opinion!

Anton's not disabled. - He's a midget. Yeah, but you're not disabled if you're a midget. That's just small.

Ronnie corbett doesn't get special treatment. He's five foot. Anton's three foot four. So are some children. Children aren't disabled, are they?

A dwarf has disproportionately short arms and legs. Oh, i know the ones. It's caused by a hormone deficiency. Yeah. Bloody hormones.

So what's an elf? Do you want to answer that?

An elf is a supernatural being. Sometimes they're invisible, like fairies. They don't actually exist, do they? In real life?

'It's been imposed upon me!' Yeah. What do you want me to say, i'm sorry? Yeah. I want you to say you're sorry.

So is a pixie the same as an elf? Hold on, gareth. I just want to know how he knows so much about midgets.

So what's a goblin? How long will you be?

I know i probably seem an imposing figure now - you know, the slick boss - but get to know me, you'll see i'm mad.

You can all use her - as the actress said to the bishop.

David, can i just ask why you've hired yourself a new secretary when you're having to fire people like alex? Different people, different jobs.

To whit, the answer to the question, is it people or task is - well, you know - people.

Like this person. Kojak. David, what i want to know... kojak we call him.

I'm thinking of other weird-looking bald people. That one on benny hill? Oh, yeah.

Walk this way. Quack, quack, quack! Always start with a joke.

You might want to make notes.

I don't want to put words in your mouth, but what sort of a boss would you say i am? I'm a... good boss, yeah. He said good. No. You're a great boss.

it's not because you asked dawn out and she said no? I didn't ask her out. It was as a friend. It was as a friend. Put friend. Put friend down.

i feel a little bit like i'm wasting my time. That life's too short. Exactly. Thank you.

I've got paper stories that'll crack you up. That's true. Hilarious. Put hilarious.

I think it was john lennon who said... 'life is what happens when you're making other plans.' Though he also said, 'i am the walrus, i am the eggman', so i don't know what to believe!

no, you listen to me, 'tim'. When you first came here, you didn't know about the paper industry.

That he doesn't want! I didn't ask you. You asked me how i felt... i don't want to know now.

Don't say out there what you said in here, apart from the good boss.

Don't be like that at the party!

Have you been fired? No. I've been made into a partner.

They've made you a partner? That'll be wernham hogg taylor clark. They'll have to change the stationery. I think we'll get a discount. 40% sometimes.

Voted for me 5-2? There's only seven on the board. Five out of seven. That's a landslide.

there is the emotion as 'good in business' syndrome, sure, notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenario...

You're not looking at the whole pie. Wernham hogg is one big pie and if i'm in charge of that big pie, i'll be in charge of... the people are the fruit.

What's five out of seven as a percentage? Er... 70%. 71.4.

You don't need luck when you've got 71% of the population behind you.

well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is neil will be taking over both branches and some of you will lose your jobs.

On a more positive note, the good news is i've been promoted. So... every cloud...

You're still thinking about the bad news. There's no good news. It's bad news and irrelevant news.

That's not a phrase though. 'I've got bad news and irrelevant news.' You could have told us about neil and kept your promotion to yourself.

We're going to lose our jobs! You're not all going to. God! Just... you're not going to lose your job. You're not going to. You know... you're not going to.

No. I'll be getting a proper assistant - a p.a. A lady? Hopefully, yeah. Not 'cause of that, just...

Territorial? No. Regular? Yeah. What rank? Sergeant, i think. What are you? Lieutenant, sir.

You're a soldier. Yeah? Eh? Yeah? Stiff upper lip and all that, eh? Spirit of the dambusters. Yeah? The squadron never dies, does it?

Before he goes into battle, he's playing with his dog. Nigger. That's not offensive. That's the dog's name. It's the '40s, before racism was bad.

The dog was called nigger. Don't keep saying it.

Take anything you want. To keep? Yup. I'll have the guitar. Not the guitar. I meant stationery. Something i can re-order.

Like confetti. Could be used as confetti, yeah. Check with the vicar first, always.

I'm not doing this for an esther rantzen heart of gold, or if esther's handing out awards, then do it for my charity work. Five fun runs in two years.

i told them to shove their job up their arses! So you're staying here? Yes. We all are.

hip hip hooray for david brent! Hip hip... stop it. Seriously. Move on. Let's move on.

that's the thing about leadership. Sometimes you sacrifice yourself.

I'd believe that if he hadn't jumped on top of you. Actually, i was on top! All right.

And they probably did oral.

Ask yourself why i got high blood pressure on the day of the medical. Are you saying you cheated science and faked high blood pressure so you could remain in the job?

What's worse - cheating medical science or cheating friends?

for all your mole knows, they may or may not have said that to me. They may or may not have.

The only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is 'did i enjoy it? What was the point?' that's where i come in.

I do it so one day, someone will go, 'there goes david brent. I must remember to thank him.'

- I'm doing one tonight. I'm getting quite a bit of money for it. £300. - So i need someone just to carry my bag and organise... - i'm not... - £100 for an hour's work. - £100 for an hour? That is a lot. - 80. - You said 100. - 90. - You said 100. - All right. Get there early, then.

"If it's in you, i'll find it." That's actually what i do. I just point out what you've already got. I'm like a spiritual guide.

The reason i put "If" it's in you is if i waste time and money looking for it and i can see it's not in you, i don't want to be sued because you haven't got it. You're not going to get me on that.

It's like bloody "dead poet's society" when they all stand on the tables... i wouldn't want them on the tables - it's against health and safety.

"Are you going to pay me for it?" "Yes. Lots." not why i do it, but thank you.

- I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking. - Chill out. Don't have a cow, mate.

- Say your name. - Leroy. - Who's leroy? - The coloured fellow off "fame". - Use your own name. - Gareth.

- People are laughing at your heels. - I'm not going to wear those shoes! - And the earring? - They're having a go at that? What else?

- They've given you a nickname. - The swindon lot? - Everyone's using it. - What is it? - I don't really... - what is it? - Bluto. - The villain from popeye? - 'Cause of the beard? - Because he's... - what's that?

But if there's one thing i don't like, it's nicknames. Because nicknames are bad... names.

- you used to call malcolm "kojak". - That was affectionate. - He was a great detective. - Maybe "mr toad" is affectionate.

body fascism that is. The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians.

Why don't we call him fatty fatty toad boy? At least start on him and then move on...

He fears my methods because he doesn't understand them. Human nature, but relax.

- It's all up there. - It's not all up there, is it? - Most of it is.

What is "better?" on a graph of people versus task, where does the line go? Where i say.

I'm performing as i want to. It's a good performance. Let's agree to disagree. - No. Let's agree that you agree with me.

It's not a date. I'm paying her. What sort of date is that? And £100. what would i get for that? Not that i would. Everything, i imagine. I'm not imagining any of it, but i do know... i'm just...

Well, partially decriminalised now anyway, isn't it? At last. - Go for it. - Ok. - Is it skunk? - Just weed. You want a taste? - You sure? - Yeah. I'm on a diet. When i get wasted, i go to munchie-city, so...

i'm mad enough without the gear as well. I'll take a rain check. Catch you later. - Yeah. - Chill.

Get out. Go on. I've opened the door for you. If you're not going to make it, go now. Yeah? Save us all a bit of time. If you don't think you can cut it. No? Good.

"Oi, brent! Is all you care about chasing the yankee dollar?"

Foreword by duncan goodhew. So...

I'm 39... i'm in my 30s. But so what? At least i've got my health.

If you've got one leg, at least you haven't got two legs missing. If you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, "at least i'm not dead!" I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest.

I'm not saying people like that should be put down. I'm saying that in my life, i'd rather not live without arms and legs because... i'm just getting into yoga, for one thing.

Let's try that. Who-hoo-hoo. Just... trust me, you'll feel...

She used to eat chalk.

I am now going to make like a banana and split!

# you're better than all the rest # better than anyone listen to her. # Anyone i've ever met come on. Get into it. # I'm stuck on your heart

I'll let you into a little secret - i was worried whether i still had it. I'll let you judge. High five.

That was me on a seven. Wait till you see me on a nine or ten!

Yeah? Never mind pizza express, what about beer express? "Next stop, drunkenness!"

The three musketeers! Oh, I can't. What? There's something I've got to do.

Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, The DeLorean.

You happened to be in midtown Manhattan? / Thought I'd catch a show. / In the middle of a work day? / No.

And your strengths? / Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.

Do you accept my withdrawal? / I do. / Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page.

It is because I hate him. / You have to get along with Toby. / No. / I don't.

We might have hired an outside marketing consultant. We might have hired... OK, what firm? You're breaking up.

I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant initiatives I've ever seen at this company, and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute!

Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was. What do you hear?

That's a GE. The P40 is much higher pitched.

I'm rebuilding a turn-of-the-century steam engine in my slaughterhouse.

It's just a slaughterhouse, but, sure, any time.

It's not sweetie. It's michael scott. What the hell-- Michael--[huffs] I have never-- never, ever--

And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants. Claimed it's going to boost office morale.

I think just about anybody can be a star. My postman, the night janitor here... But Andy? No, definitely not. Charisma black hole.

Dear God, don't quit your dayjob.

Why do you already have this? In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day.