Robert California

Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up, it's a waste of your time. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man. - Very smart. Very smart. Suddenly... I was awake.

Really great list of names, guys. Thank you so much. Good work.

Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises... Funny how the houses are always colonials, and the penises are always circumcised, don't you think?

Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree? - Yeah. She does like elmo. - 'Cultural ghetto'? Totally, totally agree. - Completely. - Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.

I guess I think they're losers. - Ah, I knew it. Yes! - Probably shouldn't have said that. - Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues, and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all.

And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of native Americans. - I don't care.

Andy's Neil Patrick Harris reference confusion

Andy's ice cream guessing game with Robert

The cold coffee incident - Erin serving old coffee as 'cold beverage'

Robert's business philosophy about personal service vs superstores

The doubling sales demand and Andy's overconfidence

Robert's analysis: 'Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get.'

Robert's final observation: 'There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.'

Who's your favorite iron chef? - This report is atrocious.

Sometimes the infer-- Sorry. Go ahead. Mm-hmm.

Did you need something from us? Yes. Your attention. Uh, because... No. That is all.

Last night, I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power, athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted 'we're number 2!'

As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.

Chalk that one up to tweedle Dee and tweedle dum out there. Who are they? They're both Kevin.

Oscar is the sex and the city gang. And Angela, if you can picture-- Sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.

And you can't have a favorite iron chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.

Oh, man, I'm sorry. What the [Bleep]? Sorry. Jesus. Did it break?

Classic, right? Ooh. I'm all right. You all right? Yep. Skinned knee. Yep.

The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.

In the African-American community-- No.

Robert's analysis of Black Eyed Peas: 'It's rock and roll for people who don't like rock and roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop'

'You usually dress like a Ghostbuster'

Robert's description of Chad Flenderman: 'Chad Flenderman's kryptonite... We got a real Clarence Thomas here'

Robert's predatory 'You thinking what I'm thinking?' to drunk Erin

I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination.

Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. I could go to this gym three times a week, or I can wrestle Stu once a month.

A manager, a salesman, a leader, and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, 'table for one?' How is this possible? / All those people are you?

Florida is America's basement... It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators.

Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right? / N... it's complicated.

It's a job interview, not a flea market.

The 1% are suffering too, people

I bought it to be my Playboy Mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue. This was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you.

Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult - they're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room

What was the joke you thought you heard?

Oh, yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of a dying circus industry

A beautiful monster cost me my 40s and my dream home

Well, we'll say it's 82 and it'll be our secret

You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you are simply a penis a vagina, a hunger, an ache

Susan used it as a Pilates studio

I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls

Then I met the vegan

Toby, you are playing a dangerous game

I had two bears sewn together to make this king size. Total waste of two bears

To both these bears

When I put in the screening room I bought three movies. Caligula, Last Tango in Paris and Emmanuelle 2. The last two movies I actually watched in here were Marley & Me and On Golden Pond.

Toby, I am Bacchus god of wine. And I am Bacchus' friend

It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you

Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.

Kevin ate someone's lunch, Phyllis has a new necklace.

Would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?

When two animals are having sex, one of them... Is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua... this isn't very helpful. You're going to want to hear the sexual metaphor. Was that not the... All life is sex. And all sex is competition.

In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?

Good morning, Robert, says no one, because our receptionist is in Florida.

Is this a video conference you're having with... 'Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz'?

I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.

Every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died.

I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to... recuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love, and then go back and... analyze the situation rationally.

Buffett operates the same way.

If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was 42. And then when I did, it lasted till I was 44. 43 was ju-- I got nothing done.

Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say? No.

I feel like I'm being strangled, like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84. The Red Room, say, or Dominick's.

Hey, jabroni, show some class.

You know what I said? Yes. Not a joke. That that was not even a joke.

And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego.

Kevin, great to see you. Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck. I beg your pardon? You're, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you, and you're just using them.