The Old Man And The Lisa

Naval Officer:What is your rank, Colonel?

Colonel Dracula:I'm just a regular guy.

Lisa:I've been working hard on my recycling project for Junior Achievers.

Homer:Recycling? Lisa, in the grand scheme of the universe, we're all just dust floating through an infinite void. Nothing matters. The sun will eventually explode and consume everything we've ever done.

Lisa:But Dad, if everyone recycled...

Homer:Recycled into what? Heat death, Lisa. Heat death.

Lisa:Well, actually, this is a number 2 plastic, which is high-density polyethylene, commonly used for milk jugs and detergent bottles. The molecular structure allows for excellent barrier properties against moisture and oxygen.

Marge:Lisa, we're just putting it in the bin.

Lisa:But Mom, if we don't sort by resin identification code, we're contributing to the collapse of the entire recycling infrastructure!

Homer:If you really cared about the animals, you'd be a vegetarian. But you're not, are you?

Homer:Look, survival of the fittest. It's nature's way.

Lisa:Dad, you're supposed to rinse out the cans before recycling them.

Homer:Oh, I thought we were supposed to drink them first.

Lisa:No, Dad. You need to clean them.

Homer:Oh. Well, consider them cleaned.

Mr. Burns:Children, I have some business advice for you. When you meet someone new, don't think of them as a potential friend or colleague. Think of them as an obstacle to be eliminated.

Mr. Burns:Family? A distraction from profit. Love? A weakness exploited by your competitors. The only relationship that matters is the one between you and your stock portfolio.

Mr. Burns:Family is a man's greatest treasure. That's why I'm having mine liquidated. Now, let's discuss your career. Never let family or church get in the way of your ambitions. Or synagogue.

Lisa:Mr. Burns, doesn't the nuclear plant have a recycling program?

Mr. Burns:Recycling? Bah! Why would I want to recycle when I can just throw it all away? The earth has plenty of room for garbage, my dear.

Lisa:But Mr. Burns, we're running out of landfill space and—

Mr. Burns:Running out? Nonsense, child. There's a whole world out there. We'll just move to another planet when this one fills up. Now run along.

Lisa:We need to protect nature and the environment.

Mr. Burns:Nature? Bah! Nature is a vindictive harpy bent on my destruction. Why, just last week, monkeys stole my lunch!

Mr. Burns:Monkeys are nature's way of saying 'I hate you, Burns.'

Lisa:Mr. Burns, you can't just destroy the forest!

Mr. Burns:Oh, can't I, Lisa? Watch me.

Smithers:Sir, think of the spotted owl!

Mr. Burns:The owl? I'll give you an owl. Smithers, shoot it.

Lisa:That's barbaric!

Mr. Burns:Barbaric? Child, I've forgotten more about nature than you'll ever know. Now get off my property before I have you stuffed and mounted.

Mr. Burns:I'm worth 200 million dollars.

Lisa:Actually, Mr. Burns, according to the Springfield Tax Records, your net worth is only 175 million dollars.

Mr. Burns:...

Mr. Burns:What do you mean my net worth has plummeted? I'm still a multi-billionaire, aren't I?

Smithers:Well sir, I'm afraid it's even worse than Miss Simpson indicated. You're actually only worth 900 million dollars.

Mr. Burns:900 million?! That's... that's not even a billion! Smithers, I'm ruined!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, bring me my stock portfolio. Let me see how my investments are performing.

Smithers:Right away, sir.

Mr. Burns:Good heavens! When was the last time I checked this?

Smithers:According to the date stamp, sir... October 28th, 1929.

Mr. Burns:Excellent! Right before the market crash. I'm a financial genius!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, why didn't you warn me about the stock market crash of 1929?

Smithers:But sir, I wasn't even born until 1954.

Mr. Burns:That's no excuse. Lazy.

Mr. Burns:I'm considering some blue chip investments. Typewriter manufacturing, horse buggies, and gas lamps are showing real promise.

Homer:You know, in this recycling business, you make money by spending money. It's a beautiful paradox, like a perpetual motion machine, except it loses money. But here's the thing - all this work has taught me something profound about life balance. Sure, I'm exhausted, broke, and haven't seen my family in days, but I've never been more alive! Or is that just the caffeine? Anyway, the point is: work hard, play hard, sleep never. That's the Simpson way!

Lisa:We can save the trees! Every tree deserves a chance to live and flourish in our ecosystem.

Tree:Help me! Somebody help!

Mr. Burns:You're all yes men! You never disagree with me!

Yes Men:Yes, sir! Absolutely, sir! You're completely right, sir!

Pro Wrestler:This place smells like a nursing home that caught fire.

Smithers:On the contrary, sir. It's an enchanting musk—a rare and intoxicating blend of old money and older carpet.

Wrestler:You smell like a dead skunk!

Smithers:How dare you! That's the smell of a man, a real man. It's intoxicating, like expensive cologne mixed with fine cigars and... power.

Hitman Wrestler:Yeah, sure, keep the portrait. You're gonna need something to remind you what you looked like when you still had a pulse.

Mr. Burns:Ah yes, those were the days.

Homer:It was a dark and stormy night. I was driving home from work, my stomach growling like a angry bear. Suddenly, lightning flashed across the sky, and there it was... wedged between the car seat and the door. A candy bar.

Marge:Homer, you've told us this story three times already.

Homer:But did I mention the lightning?

Lenny:Alright, listen up everyone. I'm the new plant manager now, and I got one thing to say: work harder.

Lenny:Alright guys, listen up. I'm your new boss now, and I believe in a minimalist management style. We're gonna keep things simple, no bureaucracy, no red tape.

Lenny:That's it. Meeting's over.

Bus Passenger:Mr. Burns! I knew it was you!

Mr. Burns:I'm not the man you think I am.

Bus Passenger:Yes you are! You're Charles Montgomery Burns!

Mr. Burns:Well, yes, but I'm not a bad man.

Bus Passenger:You're the most hated man in Springfield!

Mr. Burns:That's a lie! And even if it were true, which it isn't, I don't care what people think of me.

Mr. Burns:Good heavens! What is this contraption? A bus? How do the common people afford such luxury?

Mr. Burns:And it stops at every corner! Like a personal chauffeur service for the masses!

Mr. Burns:Do you have any Burns O's cereal?

Store Clerk:Burns O's? Sorry sir, we don't carry that anymore. To be honest, nobody really remembers who you are.

Mr. Burns:Release me at once! I find myself in a most vexing predicament, ensnared within this glass-fronted refrigeration unit. The door, it would seem, has become lodged in a manner most inconvenient to my person.

Homer:Um, you're just stuck in the milk case, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns:Nevertheless! I demand immediate extrication from this dairy-based imprisonment!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, what is the difference between these two mustards?

Smithers:Well sir, one is labeled 'Dijon' and the other is 'Poupon.'

Mr. Burns:They're practically identical! Why must there be two?

Smithers:I believe it's a matter of branding, sir.

Mr. Burns:Branding? BRANDING?! If they're the same mustard, Smithers, then what separates us from the condiments? What makes us unique? What is the point of anything?

Smithers:Perhaps we should just purchase one, sir?

Mr. Burns:But which one, Smithers? Which one defines who I am?

Lisa:Dad, I need more recyclables for my project.

Homer:Well, there's plenty at the nursing home. They go through diapers like crazy.

Nursing Home Resident:No running in the halls, no yelling, no heavy petting in the solarium, no food in the bedrooms, no explosives in the recreation room...

Mr. Burns:How does one pass the time in a nursing home?

Nursing Home Resident:The only approved activity is passive window staring.

Nursing home resident:Newspapers? Why, back in my day we didn't have newspapers. We just got angry up every morning and read the back of a cereal box.

Mr. Burns:Lisa, I need your help with something important.

Lisa:No way, Mr. Burns. I'm not helping you with whatever scheme you're cooking up.

Mr. Burns:But Lisa, I find your defiance... oddly attractive.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, I need your daughter's help with something.

Homer:Sorry, Mr. Burns. Maggie shot you that time, so we're even.

Mr. Burns:Back in the 1920s, a nickel could buy a new car, a nice dinner, and a year's supply of cocaine.

Mr. Burns:We don't need no education.

Hippie:We don't need no thought control.

Mr. Burns:No dark sarcasm in the classroom.

Hippie:Hey man, that's beautiful. But you gotta get with it. These lyrics are from 1979!

Homer:Please be Flanders, please be Flanders, please be Flanders.

Mr. Burns:I've discovered the secret to recycling success. It's all about having the right attitude. You see, I collect cans, and I'm always telling my employees: 'Don't worry about tomorrow, just focus on what you can do today.' Get it? Cans? Can do? I'm a motivational genius.

Marge:Well, they say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a lot of cologne.

Mr. Burns:You there, you're as useful as a screen door on a submarine!

Mr. Burns:And you, sir, have the IQ of a concussed grapefruit!

Mr. Burns:This entire facility is a monument to mediocrity. You're all has-beens and never-weres!

Mr. Burns:I've decided to try a new management approach. Instead of threats and intimidation, I'm going to motivate you through encouragement and rewards.

Mr. Burns:So, for our most dedicated elderly employees, I'm offering a special prize: you'll get to sit by my private pond for an entire afternoon.

Lenny:Mr. Burns, that's... that's very generous, sir.

Mr. Burns:Of course, you'll need to bring your own chair.

Elderly worker:A pond? Mr. Burns is offering us a pond? Why, that's the greatest thing that's ever happened to us!

Homer Simpson:Yeah, next thing you know, he'll have us moving to a compound and changing our names.

Old Man Jenkins:It's like if they put a cute little girl on a box of snack cakes... that were made of human flesh!

Mr. Burns:This is my finest fishing net. It's strong enough to withstand the most violent storms, yet delicate enough to cradle a newborn baby.

Mr. Burns:And it cleans the ocean floor of all the unnecessary things cluttering it up.

Mr. Burns:Animal slurry has many uses. It's excellent for fertilizer, of course. But it also makes a surprisingly effective industrial lubricant, a decent floor wax, and when properly detonated, a fairly reliable explosive.

Lisa:Mr. Burns, this isn't recycling! You're just dumping toxic waste into the river!

Mr. Burns:But Lisa, I'm trying to help the environment. I even bought a solar panel.

Lisa:You bought it to block the sun so you could save money on electricity!

Mr. Burns:Well, yes, but the end result is less energy consumption. Isn't that what you wanted?

Lisa:That's not—you're completely missing the point! Every good deed you do somehow makes things worse.

Lisa:I thought Mr. Burns had changed, but every time he tries to do something good, it somehow makes things worse.

Homer:Yeah, like that time he tried to help the environment and accidentally destroyed the wetlands.

Lisa:Exactly. His good intentions just amplify his destructive nature.

Lisa:Stop recycling! Please, I'm begging you!

Lisa:Mr. Burns has bought up all the recycling plants and he's using them to manufacture weapons-grade plutonium!

Lisa:Every bottle you recycle, every can you turn in — it's going straight to his nuclear arsenal!

Homer:Lisa, you did the right thing helping Mr. Burns. Even though it didn't work out, at least you tried.

Lisa:Thanks, Dad. I guess I learned that doing the right thing is what matters, not the outcome.

Homer:That's my girl! And remember: never help anybody ever. It's not worth it.

Homer:$12,000 would have helped.

Lisa:Dad, that's not even close to the amount we needed.