Lisa

In Germany, Santa's servant Ruprecht gives presents to good children... and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones.

What do you think, kids? Nice try, Dad.

Well, I wish you wouldn't... because aside from the fact he has the same frailties as all human belings. he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships.

So love at first sight is possible. And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.

Like a light bulb! Bart! Like Shnozzola! Lisa! Like strippoker! I'm warning you two!

I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit.

Lisa: 'I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.' Marge: 'Oh, well.'

I think Bart's stupid again, Mom. Oh, well.

We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.

You love him more. / No, you do. / No, I don't. / Yes, you do!

Tough choice. / I'm picking respect.

That cornball routine? 'I love you, Daddy.' Give me a break. / I pity you. / Why?

Look at that, kids. No fighting. No yelling. No belching. / The dad has his shirt on.

The fat guy on TV? / You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling? / Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.

I guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship.

I guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship.

There go my young-girl dreams of Vassar.

We would if we had one. / Lisa!

How could you shock your little sister? - My finger slipped. - So did mine.

Here, Otto. I made an extra one for you

What do you like best about me? / Well, I'd have to say... your generous nature, your spirit of giving

Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise

Here comes my brother, Bart the bully-killer!

I know you can't eat it now, so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead

Sorry, Dad. Women and children first.

A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.

La da da da da dee

But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about.

I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up--

And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable--

I choose not to participate.

I'm too sad.

Maggie. Come to the one you love best. / No, Maggie. Come here, girl. Come to me.

I was just playing the blues, Dad.

Unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.

My friends call me Bleeding Gums. / Eww. How'd you get a name like that?

Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? / Yeah. / Not me.

Lisa! Get away from that jazzman! / But Mom! Can't I stay a little longer? / Come on. We were worried about you. Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.

I feel more popular already.

Ay, caramba. / This is better than our house.

I hate this. I don't wanna go. / That's the spirit. Ready or not, nature, here we come!

What are you doing back there? / We're playing,'What's that odor?' Dad's feet? / Bart! / You win, Bart. / Lisa!

Why, I bet there are people who would trade everything they have in the world for this. / You mean, like we just did?

That's 'B-A-R-E' hands

Although modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably killed him

I think he forgot, Mom. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Bart, don't you see? This is what psychologists call overcompensation. Mom is wracked with guilt because her marriage is failing.

You're in stage two, denial. - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. - I'm not. I'm not. Am not! - I stand corrected.

Your paper-thin commitment to your children sends shivers down my spine.

Don't you remember the get-well card we sent to Krusty? It was after his heartattack when he had a pacemaker put in.

Oh! - Aw, Homer! - Aw, Dad! - Uh-oh, schoolbus!

Dad dances? / Like an angel.

Oh, boy! The Happy Little Elves Meet the Curious Bear Cub. / Oh, the Elves! The Elves!

Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.

You're a smart, young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut. / He isn't.

Ask if there's a reward. / Is there a reward? / If she's convicted, we get T-shirts! / Yeah!

-He doesn't care, Mom. -I do. I want a beer while I'm caring.

I wish I had amoria phlebitis.

An absence of mood swings and stability in my life. / How about a pony? / Okay!

-Here's a story that's scarifying. -Oh, brother.

-Sorry, Dad. -Sorry, Bart. -Sorry, Mom.

-It's an ancient Indian burial ground. -Man, this place has everything!

There were monsters on that ship, and we were them.

-Wait. That's a schoolbook. -Don't worry, you won't learn anything.

-Are we scared yet? -Bart, he's establishing mood.

-Eat my shorts! -He says, 'Nevermore.' And that's all he'll ever say.

It was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare.

Can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet and making it uninhabitable?

Oh, Mom, that felt awful. / I'm sorry. It will all be over soon. / But we've become the tools of evil

Hey, Burns! Hey, rag arm! You throw like my sister! Yeah, you throw like me!

A blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you mean a pawn.

'Anecdotes,' 'Eisenhower and,' 'Humor,' 'Japanese Obsession With'....

Absolutely. But, Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it?

You've actually found a practical use for geometry!

That crazy Marmaduke. / Eighth hole? / Octopus, third tentacle.

Steak will make him logy. -What won't make him logy? -Oatmeal. -Oatmeal?

Stop fighting with your sister! -She took my glue! -It's not yours! This is family glue!

They should use cartoons made in the last 50 years. This is a tradition. If you build a balloon for every cartoon character... you'll turn the parade into a farce.

They're Daddy's favorite team. He wants them to lose by less than five points.

-Yikes! What is that? -It's the centerpiece. -It's taking up real estate. -Move it, toots!

I saw the best meals Of my generation destroyed By the madness of my brother My soul carved in slices By spiky-haired demons

Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness. Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me!

Now we can blame him for everything! -It's your fault I'm bald! -Sorry. -It's your fault I'm old! -Sorry. -It's your fault I can't talk! -Sorry.

Because you hate me or because you're bad?

I'm sorry, Lisa. -Apology accepted.

I have my first solo. If you miss it, start looking for a child therapist.

Wow, a woman mud pool driver. Another barrier broken. Right on, sister!

Itchy and Scratchy have lost their edge. / It's a nice message of sharing. / I think it sucks.

We went fishing. Almost caught a catfish this big. / I went bird watching and saw a grackle.

The playground has the facts right but missed the point.

Oh, I want to be in that rumba / When the saints go over there / Oh, over there!

That movie stinks like your creepy apartment.

You're staring at a dot.

Gross.

I know this story doesn't end with you telling it to us.

It won't cost you a thing. Except your soul!

Yes. I ate two grapes. Please charge me for them.

-Should I have him arrested? -That seems like an ideal solution.

Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.

-You can't! -I can! You dedicate the fight to your manager! I want to tell you that I'm not watching this fight.

I'll make it, Mom. Just tape my lunch box to my hand.

If Bart stays home, I go to school.

It smells historic.

How many of these guys are Corey? Eight.

Phonics, functions, vocabulary, remedial reading? Do your own homework, Bart!

He taught that the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty.

He taught me that music is a fire that comes out your mouth. So you better stick an instrument in front of it.

We can question his disposition, but we can't question his heart.

Poor Brandy.

I'm sure you'd resent my pity, so I'll hope you're one of the statistically small number of single 40-year-olds who find their fair prince.

Bart ate during the blessing! You opened your eyes. Eating is worse. Is not! Is too!

One more word and Bart gets no cartoons...and Lisa can't go to college! Dad! Not one word!

A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!

Lisa, are you the hell-raiser your father told me about? No, I can assure you I'm not. I'm the hell-raiser.

He smells like a photo lab

Well....

Series of rejected activity suggestions

Choose your corncob. En garde! Challenge accepted!

Give it to us. Bart! Forgive him. He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing in his head. You know, he is wise.

But you can buy me a pony. You're right! I'll name her Princess.

This is a rather shameless promotion. -Worked on me.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -No. Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -No!

If I take you, will you two shut up? -Yeah! -Of course! -Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -Yes!

Well, am I? Forgive us, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response.

This old attic's kind of spooky, isn't it? I said, isn't it? Don't ever do that again! Okay.

I told you to show support. -Way to go, Dad! -You look marvelous!

When a tick begins to suck your blood... spirochetes infest your blood and spinal fluid and then the brain.

Your belt says 'State of Texas,' but it wasn't a state until 1845. / The revolver wasn't around till 1835.

You seem to be Jewish. / Jewish. / Cowboys aren't Jewish.

What's this? Did you do it? / No! I would never do anything like that. / Can I have it? / Yes, but I didn't do it.

Class, 'The Singing Dork.' / Lisa!

Come on, everybody has a talent. / I wanna see yours. / I don't have one.

When he smiles, you see these teeth. But when he laughs, you see these. The eyeteeth.

Yesterday, he read us Charlotte's Web and cried at the end. / A book made him cry!

Your homework is always so neat. Does your father help you? / Homework's not his specialty.

Unless the next word was 'burp,' don't bother.

I believe everything you say, with your words and Semitic good looks.

Can I wear jewelry? / Sure. / Dye my shoes? Paint my nails? Can we have wine? Can I have wine? Does Bart have to be there?

What did he teach you? / That life is worth living.

The train. How like him. Traditional, yet environmentally sound.

If you don't mind, I'll run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.

If you don't mind, I'll run alongside the train... as it speeds you from my life.

But you, sir, are a baboon! / Me? / Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!

Equating friendliness with wimpiness... will keep you from achieving popularity.

I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich. -Hey, they do look alike. -How did Richie die?

Perhaps his materialism led him to take his life.

I stand corrected.

-She means you should get a job. -Me?

Now you look pathetic.

An ox with a hump and a dewlap. Hump and dewlap. Hump and dewlap.

No, Maggie, not Aztec. Olmec. Olmec.

I guess the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded. Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that letter... we would've gotten nothing. Well.... The moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Perhaps there is no moral. Exactly! Just stuff that happened.

Perhaps there is no moral. Exactly! Just stuff that happened.

Dad died. / No, no, he's fine. / What do you know? / I'm relieved.

Why, oh, why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?

No deal. / Dad, you should do this.

Do you hear voices? I'm hearing one now, though I'm trying to watch TV.

Are you quick to anger? Bart, shut up or I'll shut you up! Yes.

Do you wet your pants? Even the best of us has an occasional accident.

Perhaps, if a professional so advises... I will give you a hug... at some far distant family reunion... but rest assured, it will be purely for show.

Although I know you're looking at me, I would look exactly the same, even if you weren't.

I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

Mom, it's a nice thought, but we both know that this is the pony to bet on.

He'd say, uh... 'Think of a better opening.'

Hey, I call first bedsies. - Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up.

That thing is really, really, really... good.

Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.

'I will iron your sheets when you iron out... the inequities in your labor laws.' - Amen, sister.

Mr. Lincoln-- I need your advice. What can I do to make this a better country? Is this a good time to buy a house? I can't get my boy to brush.

And this will be one nation under the dollar... with liberty and justice for none.

And this will be one nation under the dollar... with liberty and justice for none.

You work fast. I work for Uncle Sam.

I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks.

I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks.

I can't believe it. The system works.

I can't believe it. The system works.

I can't believe it. The system works.

This is my brother, and he knows karate

It's funny how two wrongs sometimes make a right

Looking at you with quiet awe. As long as it's quiet.

Our dad! Now he belongs to the ages

Do you think about your father a lot? All the time. Except when I'm at the track.

Oh, that radio show. It's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.

Yiddle, my man, you're a genius. I love my work.

What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else? Those stupid hats?

I didn't select this costume for mobility. I wore it to salute the noble Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest.

Dad, that's Monaco. D'oh!

How hard can it be? Hey, Dad, here's one. $28 an hour, plenty of fresh air... and you get to meet lots of interesting people. Ooh, what job is that? Grave digger.

I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy... and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

I'd like to put this filth behind us... and let's all enjoy... Lisa Simpson's rendition... of 'Stormy Leather.' / Uh, 'Weather.'

Oh! That cost $88! / I don't feel much like eating.

I forgive you. / D'oh! You didn't mean that. / No, I didn't.

That's illegal. / That's for the courts to decide.

There's a big dumb animal... I love more than that horse. / What is it, a hippopotamus?

Bart, I think they're finally hauling your dad away. Maybe it's for the best.

Maybe I'm being a little anal but barefoot season's coming up... and there's a world of rusty nails out there.

But I guess I was wrong. You are a bad father.

Who? Mom and dad. Jinx! #You can't talk till somebody says your name #

You spoke while you were jinxed so I get to punch you. Sorry, it's the law.

Mom, instead of milk, can I have a virgin Moe?

I'm the magical man from happy land in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane. Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. Well, duh!

Your mother just broke her leg

It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans. We watch an appalling amount of TV.

Can we have a can of frosting for lunch?

I dreamed I was married to Corey... and we lived on a pony farm... and Corey was always walking around... with his shirt off. Oh, brother.

I dreamed I was married to Corey and we lived on a pony farm and Corey was always walking around with his shirt off.

When they find out you've been fooling them... they're gonna want to cut you up with rusty razors. And how are they going to find out? The police will catch you. The police couldn't catch a cold.

Maybe not, but you're stupid enough... to have left a 'Bart Simpson' label... on that radio. D'oh!

This is where she prints her feminist newsletter.

The Dolphins? Good, good.

Mmm... crumbled-up cookie things.

Dad tucked me in too tight, and it's cutting off... the circulation in my arms and legs.

The fear in his eyes, the quiver in his voice. He's a little boy lost in a game of men.

I'd bet my entire college fund on it.

The 49ers because they're pure of heart... Seattle because they got something to prove... and the Raiders because they cheat.

It doesn't take a genius... to realize Houston's failed to cover their last ten outings... the week after scoring three touchdowns... in a game.

Just bring us your freshest bottle of wine. Chop, chop.

''The Broken Neck Blues.''

Maybe the paint has shut off his pores... and he's slowly suffocating. That is a real fan.

You call Moe. Just bet, Lisa.

when the Saints-- four and a half point favorites... only up by three-- kicked a meaningless field goal... at the last second to cover the spread.

'' Meryl Streep's Versatility.''

Dad, I promise... I will never get tired of this.

You never wanted to be with me at all. You're a very selfish man.

Go to hell! Go to hell! Hey, once again, great present, Dad.

All this was bought with dirty money. Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen-injection clinic.

However, I may also be so clouded with rage... that subconsciously... I want you to lose. In which case, I'd bet the farm on Buffalo.

If I still love you... Washington. If I don't, Buffalo.

Overwhelming morning chaos with multiple demands

No way. Never happen.

It's a nervous twitch, and I'm sensitive about it... if you don't mind.

Aw, Bart... that's a blackhead gun!

I question the value of this assembly. It will be a pleasant memory when they're pumping gas for a living.

That exchange student Mix!pa?

Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen!

Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea my heart is with you.

Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

No, Mom. It counts as a hit. Dad just won the game.

Salmon gutter?!

Homemaker? It's like a mommy.

I might as well be dead.

I'll be unappreciated in my own country... but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French.

I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

My God, they are stubby.

Dear log... this will be my last entry... for you were a journal of my hopes and dreams... and now, I have none.

This morning I turned bacon, eggs, and toast... into a smiley face for Bart and Homer... What's the point? They'll never notice.

Shove it.

What do you got?

I'll smoke it in class.

Well, you're earning your 18 grand a year.

Bank it. Give it to the poor. What do kids know about spending money?

But next week is volume four-- Copernicus through elephantiasis.

Wait! There he is! No, that's a horse.

Ernest Cuts the Cheese! Honey, I Hit a School Bus! Look Who's Oinking!

His tendons are throbbing. Stress is collecting in the trouble spots-- here, here, and here-- making for one unhappy pappy.

Then why aren't you using the good silverware? - I'm just not.

Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off!.

Where's Otto? That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for a while.

Did the maniac kill her? Natch. You know how I know? How? Because... I was that maniac.

What do you say to that? Give me the weight loss tape.

We were sitting on the couch when we heard a creaking noise. We leapt off just in time to see it collapse. There, there. You're safe now, little sister.

'Paradise Regained, Martin Chuzzlewit... or Herman Melville's twin classics, Omoo and Typee.'

I've never gotten a 'B' before. How could this have happened? I feel so dirty!

The dirt's not coming off! [Panting]

Now, Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record. Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. [Hysterical Giggle] I think you should reconsider. Lisa, you're hurting me!

There's only one known cure-- a 'wowwipop.' [Chuckling] Don't patronize me, Doctor.

Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room altogether. If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know!

This is a little more rustic than I expected. I'm not worried, Lise. You know why? Because of this. The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval.

I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lise. I meant soon. So did I.

Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell... because I've been to Kamp Krusty.

Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming. But I am far more pessimistic.

Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job. [Moaning]

Bart! You said you were gonna name it Camp Freedom! Aah, this has more zing. I dub thee Sir-- Urgent call for Mr. Clown.

I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire! Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face! [Gasping] It is the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple.

At least you're not as bad as Customs. How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. [Loud Sobbing] Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! [Sobbing] Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God!

Kids, back me up. - He's right, Mom. - Sorry. Match point-- Homer.

I feel like Lucie Arnaz Luckinbill.

Dad, can I ask you a question? / Sure, honey. / Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?

A doll... from hell!

I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

Run over by the mayor's beer-swilling brother, Clovis.

Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders. He was a zombie?

How would you've liked it if someone told you That you couldn't watch the moon landing?

He has the demented melancholia Of a Tennessee Williams heroine.

Chauffeur. Seamstress. Curator of large mammals?

'Worked for the Carter Administration'? Well, you voted for him... twice!

You'll be just like Marie and Pierre Curie. What did they do? They discovered radium. Then they both died of radiation poisoning.

She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

Dad, that's not the real Batman. Of course I'm Batman. - See, here's a picture of me with Robin. - Who the hell's Robin?

Dad, who's watching TV at 3:17 a.m.? Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners

[Together] Old Man Winter! [Cackling] That's right. I fill your driveways with ice and snow. What are you gonna do about it? Nothin'. That's what

Bart. You can talk! Say it again, Lise. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. I'm her first word!

Say it again, Lise. - Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. - I'm her first word!

Can you say 'David Hasselhoff'? Dave Hassahoff.

Can you say 'Daddy'? - Homer. - No, sweetie. 'Daddy'. - Homer. - D'oh!

Can you say 'Daddy'? Homer. No, sweetie. 'Daddy'. Homer. D'oh!

Hey, Lise, there was a big train wreck last night. Do you wanna see the victims? - Hmm, okay. - Yaah! - Bart, that's gross! - You're right. Let's bury them at sea. Bleah!

Dad, there's a bug on that. Eh.

Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft? Uh, yeah.

Kids. Kids. I'm not gonna die. That only happens to bad people. What about Abraham Lincoln? Uh-- He sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren.

My dad is very sick. What's gonna happen if he dies? Well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven. In heaven, you get to do Whatever you like best all the time. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down.

Mom, this is fascinating. Did you know that they'll stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes? I don't know if I like you reading all those cardiology books.

And I've learned a great deal from this cow's heart I got at the butcher shop. Insert the retractor... and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge.

Insert the retractor... and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. [Bones cracking] Ah! No! Blood! Ugh! Next, make an incision in the coronary artery-- And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.

Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this!

Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up... [Whispering] I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man. Thanks, Dad. And Lisa... [Whispering] I guess this is the time to tell you-- [Whispering] you're adopted and I don't like you. Bart!

Hey! The incision in the coronary artery... must be made below the blockage! Below! Thanks, little girl!

Mmm, excellent. Hello, Lisa. I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go... defile what I defile, eat who I eat.

Could this town be any stupider? Order! Please rise for the, uh, Pledge of Allegiance. Get to the money!

I'd like you to explain... why we should build a mass transit system... in a small town with a centralized population. [Chuckles] Young lady... that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked. Really? Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me... and that includes your teacher.

A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats?

Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? 'We're under six.' And I'm a college student.

Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining. [Muffled Whimpering]

[Throaty Voice] Don't worry about it. [Screaming]

Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

Oh, great. Dad's dead.

I wanna get off! You can't get off. We have five more continents to visit.

They're all around me! No way out! No way out, I tell you!

Ahh! I can see the music.

I am the Lizard Queen!

Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call.

I made it.

It says, 'Choo-choo-choose me...' and there's a picture of a train. Yeah. Nice gag.

Why are you saying that? / Just screwin' with your mind.

The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence? / The very same.

Help me! Help me! / What's so funny? / I was just thinkin' of a joke I saw on Herman's Head.

this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J.D. Mac Gregor. / How can a hamster write mysteries? / Well, he gets the ending first. Then he works backward.

I propose to determine the answer to the question: Is my brother dumber than a hamster?

Ah! Remarkable.

Hamster: one. Bart: zero.

Hamster: two. Bart: zero.

To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish-- / Got it. / D'oh!

But this project has no scientific merit! Take a hike, sister. Sour grapes.

Oh, no! I'll be socially unpopular. More so.

Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish. Done and done! D'oh!

Look, fellas! It's Lisa in the sky! No diamonds though. Look out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria!

I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world? [Gasps] There is no God!

Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces! And that's the tooth!

Oops. I left the gas on.

Bart, how could you shock your little sister? My finger slipped-- Ahh! So did mine-- [Yelps] Bart, Lisa, stop that!

Dad, it's May 16. You were in that coma for seven weeks.

This is a rather lifeless outing.

That's as bad as the tasteless 'Itchy and Sambo' cartoons of the late '30s.

Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Probably not.

All right, then to decide it I propose a race around the world. Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow. The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag.

Poor, predictable Bart. Always takes rock. Good old rock. Nothing beats that.

Dad, whatever you say... you know you'll always have my love and respect. I never graduated from high school. [Laughing] [Choking]

When was the Battle of New Orleans? January 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended.

I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy. [Gulping] Mmm, beer. What?

And the Lord said, 'Whackye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies... and thy town shall be a beacon unto others.' Let me see that.

[Cheering] Were they even listening to me? I, uh, don't think so.

those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham.

People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham. It was started in 1924, as an excuse to beat up the Irish.

Who's gonna change Maggie? We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard... and nature will take its course.

It seems like I've been wearing this same red dress forever.

Now let's throw some crud on it. Hey, it's 4:00.

What the hell is that?

I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty! Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen. Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart. Yes, they do. No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, they don't. Dad! Yes, they do. Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.

You pigs! [Panting] Oh, no! Bette Midler! [Grunting] [Yelling] Now, where were we? We were asking you to appear on Krusty's Komeback Special. Okay. Tell Krusty he can count me in.

This was a great show, Krusty. You deserve an Emmy for this. Forget it. The Academy hates me. I don't know why.

The airplane's upside-down. Stradi-'who'-vius?

What are we all laughing about? Who cares?

I bought this cool pencil holder. Far out, man. I haven't seen a bong in years.

You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners. You haven't heard the last of them.

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra. Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of-- Dean Martin still packs 'em in. Ditto Tom Jones. Shut up!

It's probably the person you least suspect.

Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years? Linda Lavin? No, someone who didn't deserve it.

Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne and Supreme Court Justice David Souter.

No, you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.

Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns's foibles, if done with the greatest of care... could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart.

Does either of you know what 'incontinent' means?

See, Maggie? See the fun box? No! My box! My box!

The 'School Bus'? Oh! Oh! They must mean the 'Ghoul Bus.' Nope. It says right there, 'School Bus.' Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

Oh! Oh! They must mean the 'Ghoul Bus.' Nope. It says right there, 'School Bus.' Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

Dad, this is blood. Correction-- free blood.

Please, Bart. I've seen your stupid Shemp. Yeah, I've seen your Curly too.

You have to kill the head vampire. You're the head vampire? No, I'm the head vampire! Mom? I do have a life outside this house, you know.

How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children? Have a blast, Mom. Rock the Casbah.

Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers and give you a makeover, Homina. [High-pitched voice] Oh, that would be delight-- [Normal voice] Quiet, boy.

Sure, Dad. [Imitates whip cracking]

I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast off the shackles of our male oppressors. Aw, shut your yap.

I'm gonna have my wedding here.

After all, we did agree to attend a self-help seminar. What an odd thing to say.

Lise, today I am a god. Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?

You've defined yourself as a rebel. In the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.

You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, one-hour photo, instant-oatmeal society.

Self-improvement is better left to people who live in big cities. No. Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix.

The remorse of the sugar junkie.

They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out.

Judging from your song, you're infatuated with a woman named Mindy or a man named Andy.

The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh!

No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating? I mean, we haven't had a meal with Mom all week.

[Screams] Bogeyman! - You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun.

But if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida I'll be the laughingstock of the whole school. - Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you, and now this!

Hello, 'Floreda'! - [Gasps] I'm not a state! I'm a monster! [Sobbing]

Hello, 'Floreda'! - I'm not a state! I'm a monster!

And our portable TV. - D'oh! / And my necklace. - Ah, that's no big loss.

What, this jug? / [Rhythmic tones] Hee-hee! [Laughing] Whee! Whoa-ho-ho!

I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police? / I dunno. Coast Guard?

Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges... world domination. / World domination? / Oh, that might be a typo.

Ah, Lise, won't it be great to cast off the shackles of the soul-crushing hellhole that is Springfield Elementary? Oh! I'm sorry. I forgot. Your class isn't going.

You're right, Bart. School is for losers.

And that's how I cured all disease, ended war and reunited the entire cast of TV's Facts of Life including longtime holdout Tootie.

Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic.

I've got a weekend job helping the poor, and I'm only eight. That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!

Come on, Lisa. Say somethin' funny. Like what? Oh, somethin' stupid like Bart would say. Bucka bucka, or woozle wozzle. Somethin' like that. Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad.

You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy. Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! Ay, caramba! Hidilly-ho! Ha-ha! Excellent.

Dad, are you listening to me? - Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.

You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. - He's got me there.

I can see through time.

That's over 16,000 kilometers. - D'oh!

Mr. Simpson. Stop. Your constant letters are becoming a nuisance. Stop. If you do not cease, I will be forced to pursue legal action. Stop. Signed, Boris Karloff. Hollywood, California.

Look! Achy Breaky Stacy for $1.99! [Gasps] Live from the Improv Stacy's only 89 cents. [Both] Ew!

That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!

Well, we respect you. [Lisa, Bart Laughing]

What's the opposite of shame? Pride? No, not that far from shame. Less shame? Yeah.

How many people have seen... the ice caps and the deserts all at once... or the majesty of the northern lights from 100 hundred miles above? Yeah, maybe I do have the right-- What's that stuff? Anyway, thanks, Marge, Lisa.

They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall.

Dad and Ned Flanders friends? Heh. What's next? A's on Bart's report card? Hey!

Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make an occasional smart-aleck quip, and by next week, we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.

Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make an occasional smart-aleck quip, and by next week, we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.

And I'm going to the park to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet.

Hey, Clinton, get back to work. Make me.

Lisa's 'Stick it to the man' supporting Bart's elephant choice

You all seem to be forgetting the most important thing... which is, that it's wrong to imprison an animal. Lisa, go to your room.

That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him! No, Dad, he's grooming him. Grooming him, eh? Oh, Homer, there's a bird on your head. I know. He's grooming me.

His boots are ivory. His hat is ivory. And I'm pretty sure that check is ivory.

Ah, I'm alive! I'm alive! And I owe it all to this feisty feline. Dad, feline means cat. Elephant, honey. It's an elephant.

So much for Plan B.

How come Bart gets to do that and I can't spend one night lurking in the bushes outside Chef Boyardee's house?

It couldn't possibly be bottomless. For all intents and purposes.

Just trying to fill the void of random, meaningless destruction... that Bart's absence has left in our hearts.

I thought I'd be jumping for joy the day Skinner left... but now all I have is this weird, hot feeling in the back of my head. - That's guilt.

Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a good cop/bad cop routine gone wrong

Lisa, I gotta tell somebody. I was at the Quimby compound yesterday when that frog waiter got whacked. I know that Freddy Quimby is innocent.

Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it... I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury. Oh, jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this!

Oh, good. My laundry is done. You see, Lisa? They don't need my testimony. Only because Mayor Quimby is buying his nephew's freedom. The system works. Just ask Claus von Bulow.

Well, Bart, because of you... a horrible yet innocent person is going to jail.

So, Bart... have your insides been gnawed away by guilt yet? Sell it to Hallmark, Sis. You're looking at cucumber boy. As in, 'cool as a.'

Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs... What kinds of kids eat Armour hot dogs... Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks...

Oh! That is so cool! That is so exciting! That is so-- / Crappy.

Marge and Lisa's non-verbal response to Homer's question

How come you're not laughing? Do you think I'm slow? - Buh. - Snuh.

Lisa's ball of string in the attic

Dad, that's just a plant. - Lisa! You will respect your new mother. Now, give her a kiss.

Face it, Bart. Our salvation isn't gonna roll by on the back of some stupid truck.

Pool-mobile? Pool-mobile?

Oh, look. Bart's all alone. Maybe I should keep him company, at least for a little while.

Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean. - Chlorine, eh?

Cast of characters: Viceroy Fizzlebottom, a hearty cherub of a man...

Bart, it's the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life!

That's horrible...in principle.

They're only using you for your pool, you know. - Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

My plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh, king. King!

I never made Miss Hoover 'yow-wee.'

Are you hyperventilating? No. I just like to smell my lunch.

Me too. Me too.

That's because I've loaded it with sugar! But the store sells sugar for 35 cents a pound. And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it. Those are prizes.

A blasting cap.

That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it. I won first chair? No, you regained consciousness. Allison got first chair.

Oh, it was just a dream. That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it. I won first chair? No, you regained consciousness. Allison got first chair. And believe me, this is not a dream!

You're thinking of bears, Mom.

That used to be my face in the mud.

Don't need it. You live in the room next to me. Note: Next year, order fewer cards.

Genuine class. Very good. Jeremy Irons. Jeremy's Iron. Well, that's very good for a first try.

Is it okay? Well... The important thing is that we survived.

Enough with the hose!

It's the beating of that hideous heart! I mean, I think I hear something.

Yes, and when was the last you heard anyone talk about Ren & Stimpy?

Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney...homogenized and sold off piece by piece.

Now, you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you! The only reason I gave you that valentine...is because nobody else would!

That seems more like a detached tale of modern alienation.

Soon, Cory, soon.

Recipe-related bumper cars

Torture Land, Explosion Land... Searing Gas Pain Land, Unnecessary Surgery Land.

See all that stuff in there, Homer? That's why your robot never worked.

There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Ku Klux Klam.

Oh, yeah. They weren't very funny. I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us. Wanna get a snow cone? Okay.

I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us. Wanna get a snow cone? Okay.

Dad, the flash must have scrambled their circuits. What are you, the narrator? Just keep taking pictures.

But it would be funny to someone who was watching us. No, Mom. He's right. Observe.

I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Bob is.

I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes... and another convicted felon would get so few.

So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper. Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob. Look. Mr. And Mrs. Bananas, Humphrey Boa-gart.

Oh, my poor dead kitty, please, not you too

All right, Bob, now it's personal. Hey. He did try to kill me.

Birchibald T. Barlow!

You were just Barlow's lackey. You were Ronnie to his Nancy. Sonny to his Cher. Ringo to his rest of the Beatles.

Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with. The spoon, Bart. Of course.

Mom, is Dad gonna kill us? - We're just gonna have to wait and see.

Hey, there's a bug that looks like Dad. - Let's kill it. - Okay.

Don't eat me.

She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter, and you're the devil's cabana boy.

She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.

Do you have Go, Dog, Go? / That's in Juvenile. This is Young Adult. / Well-read and just a little wild. If only someone could tame him.

Yeah? Well, I eat Froot Loops for breakfast.

I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer.

Gym?! That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!

You mean, where parents push kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?

Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a concussion.

Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our president-elect got an F in second-grade gym class!

Don't worry. It's just a name. / He said it was just a name! / What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

Ma. I think I'm all hugged out. / Ah, one more.

Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.

I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head.

Mr. Honey Bunny! You inhumane monster!

You go, Mom. For the greater good. - For the greater good.

Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida... of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? - Oh, yeah. That was brilliant. - That's right. We all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal? - Well, that's kind of a gray area.

Maybe TV is right. - TV's always right.

You know, the courts might not work anymore... but as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else... justice will be done.

You know, the courts might not work anymore... but as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else... justice will be done.

I hope it's as exciting as his other book: Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future.

Haven't you ever heard of Ockham's razor? The simplest explanation is probably the correct one. So, what's the simplest explanation? I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.

No offense, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun... than your half-assed over-parenting. But I'm using my whole ass.

Did you know the Chinese use the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity? Yes. 'Cris-a-tunity.'

Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma. Well, keep it up, then. Okay, I will. Good. You do that. Fine. You'll be picking many a bean. Hope I do.

Dad, that doesn't help people. Couldn't hurt. Unless the monkeys started hurting people. Which they almost certainly would.

And only one of you kids can go to college. Fine. Fine.

Been there, done that. I hope it's a girl. You know nothing about genetics, Lis. It goes boy, girl, boy, girl.

You can't expect a person... to sit for 30 minutes straight. I'm gonna get a snack and maybe go to the bathroom. I'll stay here, but I'm gonna think about products I might like to purchase.

Sounds like you had a good day, Dad. - Yeah. Except I forgot to go to work.

Oh, no, no! This isn't right at all! It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed.

Just like that rain-forest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem, and they fixed it, didn't they? - No, Dad. I don't think... - There's that word again.

Can't you see this barnyard-noise guessing game is tearing us apart?

I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've picketed against is what burned up the comet.

Yeah. Dad was right. - I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Yeah, Dad. It was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley.

You didn't complain when I got you this close to Chachi. - What's a chachi?

No fair. You only won because you had the inside track.

In fact, in Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet... and hamburgers eat people.

Hey, we can get away in their pouches. It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs. What? That's an odd name. I'd have called them chazwazzers.

Thank you, Bart. I promise I won't make fun of you later for this.

I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Well, that's what happens when you introduce foreign species... into an ecosystem that can't handle them.

I didn't turn it on, I thought you did. No. Well, anyway, turn it off. It is off.

Lisa? My one true love. It's not you, Milhouse. I just don't plan to ever get married.

Great news, Mom! Horrible news, Mom! The school's on strike! Maybe forever. Overload. Pleasure overload.

Lousy teachers, trying to palm off our kids on us. Dad, by striking, they're trying to change management so they can be happier and more productive. Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent or... Only two synonyms? Oh, my God! I'm losing my perspicacity!

Grade me! Look at me! Evaluate and rank me! I'm good, good, good and, oh, so smart! Grade me!

Dr. Hibbert, can I have my appendix out? / Why not. Follow me, kids. / Nurse, prep these children.

How'd you get a name like that? / Let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? / Yeah. / Not me.

I stopped brushing my teeth so I can play just like you.

Well, it's like the time that your cat, Snowball, got run over. / Remember, honey? / Yeah. / What I'm saying is, all we have to do... is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

If it helps, I believe that after you die... you can come back as whatever you want. / I'll be a butterfly. / How come? / Because nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

There it is. Death! / It's only Maggie. / Oh, yeah. / Death! / That's only the cat. / Death! / That's Maggie again, Grampa.

No! It was Bleeding Gums Murphy. / Anyway, Bloody Gums Murphy was quite the sousaphone player... / Saxophone! He was a jazz musician.

Jazz. They just make it up as they go along. I could do that. / That's 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.' / Okay, then this: / That's the same thing. You just replaced 'dees' with 'do's.'

One more time! / Oh, come on, Lisa. / I got a date with Billie Holiday.

Devil-iciously satirical. I wonder if anyone else got that.

Mom, I know your intentions are good. But aren't police a force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we should attack social problems...instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?

But aren't police a force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite?

Tito Puente! Tito Puente!

Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.

Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason.

Who wants chocolate ice cream? - Me! Me! Me, me!

He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Growing half an inch in one day is still pretty good, Bart. Yeah, that's how fast Grampa's shrinking.

Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

That was a baby tooth. It was loose!

When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her.

Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?

Actually, you see- we were never baptized. Oh! Neddie? Neddie!

Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery.

Aaah! No! It's dripping funny-smelling water all over me!

Well, whether or not the soul is physically real, Bart... it's the symbol of everything fine inside us.

Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul.

There's no change in your piggy bank. Not in any of the ones you know about.

But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe... that nobody is born with a soul... that you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer... like you did last night.

You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over there.

What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me? - This one spent two hours in the broiler.

Dad! Those all come from the same animal!

Compared to them, the public schools are a haven of enlightenment.

They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council... please help yourselves to this tripe.

That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore!

Are you gonna marry a carrot, Lisa? - Yes, I'm gonna marry a carrot. - She admitted it! She admitted she's gonna marry a carrot!

Are you gonna marry a carrot, Lisa? - Yes, I'm gonna marry a carrot. - She admitted it! - She admitted she's gonna marry a carrot!

But what do you do if somebody wants a nonalcoholic beer? - You know, it's never come up.

Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster. - Yes, indeed, I do think that.

Groundskeeper Willie! Oh, my god!

Um, we didn't mention Groundskeeper Willie, Mom.

Okay. But promise you won't be grouchy.

Nu-uh, because we called it. Did not. Well, we're calling it now. You are? 'Fraid so. Ohh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo!

You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies.

I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day... while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.

It's like something out of Dickens. Or Melrose Place.

Yeah, more like preschool. I hateJohn Knowles.

You didn't dumb it down. You said 'rapport.'

These are the calling cards of a con artist.

Seven! No, Dad. It's a rhetorical question. Rhetorical, eh? Eight!

During the Gulf War, she destroyed 70 mosques. And her name is Lisa too.

Tight, binding underwear? - Helium!

And you'll be- Bartron, the evil robot from Mars gone berserk.

is a horrible, mutant boy.!

Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom countertop. It absorbs everything that touches it like this bathroom rug.

Oh, there's something I used to do in this situation, but can't remember. Ha- ho?

Actually, this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, Dad.

It's your sons, George Bush Jr. and Jeb Bush. Come outside, Dad.

Let's go to the Sharper Image. They've got a TV shaped like a '50s diner!

Hey, Mom.! There's something in here.!

That country club is a hotbed of exclusionist snobs and status-seeking social climbers. I've told you, I don't like you using the word 'hotbed.'

I thought it was so opulent. Like the Playboy Mansion, but non-sexual.

This whole country club scene is so decadent. All these spoiled brats and their smug complacent parents. It just reinforces the unspoken class system of... horses... sitting on their high... horses- I'm sorry! I gotta go!

Mom, look! I found something more fun than complaining!

Whee! Whee! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Lisa, please!

The outlet store. Wow! Two finds in one store. What are the odds? Call it fate. Let's go!

Wow! Two finds in one store. What are the odds?

I'm gonna ask people if they know their servants' last names. Or, in the case of butlers, their first.

I got their new Thrifty Saver savings account. 2.3% annual interest instead of the normal 2.25. So a year from now I'll have an extra nickel.

A million dollars? Thanks, Bart. I owe you one. That's a post-dated check, remember. Don't cash it till the year 10,000. Okay.

And Krusty's superfluous third nipple.

Credibility. - Aw. What a gyp

General Washington?

What's your friend Janey's number? - No! Not Janey! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys!

Jebediah was... great

Because the myth of Jebediah has value too. It's brought out the best in everyone in this town

Regardless of who said it, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

You know, Homer, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm.

Mom, I just said that. - Sor-ry.

What'd you get that for? For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third-story window. Makes sense to me.

If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me. - Will do.

Which one's Itchy- the car? - The mouse.

Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas where are they gonna come from- her? Uh- hmm- How 'bout... Ghost Mutt?

What the hell is going on? - I don't know. But it looks like you might have a little competition all of a sudden.

Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?

Houston- We have a problem. Homer 13 is spinning out of control! I'm going after him!

That's not Latin. Mom, Bart's faking it!

Sure, I would. I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.

Who do you love most- me, Bart or Maggie? - D'oh! All right. Dare.

Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.

I like... Langdon Alger. - I have no idea who that is. - Nobody does. He's very quiet and enjoys puzzles.

I knew it! I knew it! Because why would they have our national grammar rodeo in another nation?

No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license... and drove Milhouse, Nelson and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville... and the car got crushed, and they're out of money and they can't get home... and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong.

I smell like a sandwich.

Dickety? Highly dubious.

Look at Jacques Cousteau and Goldie Hawn.

Bart's room. Bart's room. Bart's room. Dumpster.

Oh, terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl. Santa?

That's specious reasoning, Dad. - Thank you, honey.

By your logic, I could claim this rock keeps tigers away... But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?

Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.

Except Native Americans. - Yeah. Native Americans like us. - No. I mean American Indians. - Like me.

Bart and Lisa's coordinated insult: 'You have the worst, lamest taste in music ever!' and correction of 'party' to 'par-tay'

No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever. Forever. Forever.

Authentic Hullabalooza ticket with product placements: 'For authentic refreshment, eat Clark bars. And for totally outrageous class rings, it's Jostens. Go, Jostens!'

Lisa's ironic observation: 'Generation X may be shallow, but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people.' Cut to 'Hey! A freak show!'

'What is that smell?' 'It smells like Otto's jacket.' followed by drug reference dialogue

Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs? Nope! What religion are you? You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh, Christianity

Who died and made you boss? Mr. Estes, the publications adviser. I edited the whole thing.

This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Hi, Becky. Thanks for coming out.

I don't get it. Straight A's, perfect attendance, bathroom timer- I should be the most popular girl in school.

Friends? Huh! These are my only friends- grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal. And even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.

Be myself? I've been myself for eight years, and it hasn't worked.

A microscope at the beach? Aah! What was I thinking?

Bye-bye, job. Bye-bye, toothbrush. Bye-bye, Lisa Simpson.

No, I can't. That's the old, nerdy Lisa.

Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run!

So he goes, like- I can totally hear him going that. Only kids are that incoherent!

Like, you know, whatever.

A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm. It's clean. Go!

Me? Unlikely. My gooney brother's always going to libraries. I usually hang out in front.

Well, it beats doin' stuff. Yeah. Stuff sucks.

That's very, um, rad of you.

That's my dorky little brother, Bart- holomew.

Who does he think he is with that slingshot in his back pocket? Dennis the Menace? Mr. Wilson or something.

Don't be afraid, little friend. You'll be the most popular crab on the beach.

No. No, I heard it on Baywatch.

I'm dizzy! I'm nauseous! Oh, but I'm popular!

I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! You cost me my only friends! You've ruined my life!

[Gasps] The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography.

Mom, Hugo's eating his napkin. [All laughing] He's so cute.

That nerds conduct electricity. / Ow!

[Gasps] I've created Lutherans.

It worked! The debigulator worked!

Shouldn't you people be groveling? And bring me some shoes- nice ones. / She'll want socks too. I'll get socks.

I always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys. [Laughing]

I'm sorry, Dad. I just find that very cute.

did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before. Ow! Me neither.

one of these giant redwood trees can provide enough sawdust to cover an entire day's worth of vomit at Disneyland.

Hello, Mr. Chipmunk. You're a northern reticulated chipmunk. Yes, you are. You are so reticulated.

Hey, Lis, check out this space-age toothbrush. That's an electric nostril groomer.

The odds against you winning are 1000-to-1. Well, I don't think it's that unlikely.

Isn't Dad the one in the black trunks? No! What? What? What am I missing? What?

What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day. I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside... watching the seventh game of the World Series. Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today.

Just look at all this beautiful 'foilage.' - It's not 'foilage,' Mom. It's foliage. Foliage. - That's what I said- 'foilage.'

It's not 'foilage,' Mom. It's foliage. Foliage.

[Singsong] La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom.

You mean there's nothing left to clean?

Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor? / Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it.

You mean, like your poker shack out in the swamp?

Don't you realize your butt sticks out? - It does not! - Hey! - Ha-ha!

Oh. How does Bart do this every week?

He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.

Sure is ugly though.

I guess you could say I want to bring out the Milhouse in Nelson.

You're more like a big sister. - No, I'm not! Why does everybody keep saying that?

You don't understand. She loves to climb in here. - [Shrieks] - I believe you! I don't care!

'Nuke The Whales'? You don't really believe that, do you? - I don't know. Gotta nuke something.

Touché.

I wish I could laugh at the idea of a teacher being decapitated.

He's changed, and he doesn't want to hang around with a bunch of crumb-bums.

Let's just call it 'smell you later.'

Yes, but the records only go back to 1978... when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

But I don't like this clown. / I wouldn't take it down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster.

gussy up these curtains. [Groans]

What hat? [Scoffs] Ah, this baby's wasted on an idiot like you.

Friday's just another day between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night crap-o-rama.

According to Junior Skeptic Magazine, the chances are a 175 million-to-one... So? It's just the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh. And you, Dad.

You could call them 'Whitey Whackers.'

There isn't any food in any of these trees.

Mr. Smithers! Mr Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle.

Um, there's a hair in my soup- but I'll just eat around it.

But he didn't do anything. Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?

Simpsons immediately revert: Bart attacking Lisa with snarling

Been there, done it.

So you like it this way? Indubitably.

But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out?

It's as good as ever. But after so many years... the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.

Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.

Yo, yo. How's it hangin', everybody? / Morning, Roy. / Yeah, hi, Roy.

You have a funny voice. / I do not! / Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder? / I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.

Wow! Poochie came from another planet? / Uh, I guess.

But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out? Yeah, Mom. I mean, we love you and Dad too... but God knows we don't need to see you every day.

The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy and Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years... the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.

Poochie the Dog? Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.

You have a funny voice. - I do not! - Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder? - I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.

It's just that Poochie was a soulless by-product of committee thinking. You can't be cool just by spouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.

We should thank our lucky stars they're still putting on... a program of this caliber after so many years. What else is on?

We should thank our lucky stars they're still putting on... a program of this caliber after so many years. What else is on?

Bob is no maniac. He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all. And I assure you, they were perfectly sane.

Bob's trailer at the construction site? That's even better. Let's go there. What were you thinking? The haunted mine.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear Bob was building a dam.

Let's go again! Let's go again! No!

That's a trust, Janie, a sacred trust.

People often mistake me for nine.

Don't worry. A moth is no more harmful than a ladybug. A ladybug? [Screaming]

[Groans] They're gonna get eaten alive in middle school.

[Lisa] Okay, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget! [Chuckles] It's Bob Seger. Aw, crap!

I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour- two dollars after 9:00.

You could be Abe Lincoln's father's boss.

You're dead. You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubble. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath. You are so dead.

Even babies know how to open and close their mouths. You need a bib. [Gags] Oh, baby hate bib.

I'm using nonviolent resistance. Ugh! The idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi! Who?

It's gonna be $225, plus tip. What? I didn't order any giant sub.

We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a U.F.O. I didn't see any U.F. O! That's right, miss. You didn't.

I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana. Well, he's not here! Nobody's here!

I said, 'Go to bed.' Yeah. 'Go to bread.' B-E-D! Bed! Oh! 'Bed'! Oh.

[Gasps] Eww! Your arm! It's got extra corners! [Gasps] Oh, cool!

Didn't you hear I almost killed my brother? You did? Just a minute. [Faint Conversation] What time can you come over?

You sure look stupid in that green dress, Lise.

That's funny. I don't feel stupid.

Hey, why'd you eat 'em? I thought you were a vegetarian. I didn't. I just wanted to leave

And then Bart opened the door, and Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were kissing! [Gasps] And swearing!

Ich esse. lhr ist. Wir essen. When? When? Ich bin hungrig!

How come we never take Santa's Little Helper here? - Crowds give him gas

Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Mom. Mom. You're mixing polyethylene with polyurethane.

Dad, you're not supposed to have fun recycling. This is serious. - Oh, okay.

What a load of garbage. I am ecstatic.

How dare you question Mr. Burns? - I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl.

According to your recent biography, you only have 100 million dollars today. - My dear. I...

We collected enough paper to save one whole tree. Oh, Mommy, help.

I'd never help you. You're the worst man in the world. Yes. That's the kind of moxie I'm looking for. You're hired.

You haven't changed at all. You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil.

And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil.

No! It's evil! Please, stop recycling!

Dad, 10 percent of 120 million dollars isn't 12,000, it's...

I found a Malibu Stacy with no head.

[Bart] Maybe it's a box from the future! [Lisa] It looks Japanese.

Uh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break... but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging? Probably.

They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xi'an. They sure are. [Groaning]

But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

This school has everything I ever wanted. Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children

You're a girl? All I want is a chance to prove myself. Hmm. In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet

I wanna quit and come home. Oh, honey, I heard you the first time

Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups? [Murmuring] No

Who's Tim? Apparently Tim was somebody who was with the general... moments before he was shot in the head

Hey, what about me? I'm a lowly maggot

Then went crazy as a loon

Why'd you say that? I don't know. I was just looking at my shoelaces

Like a sock maker working on a top secret sock- Will you stop looking at your feet?

Bees. Bees? [Screams]

Well, at least they're talking to me

Oh, God, I'm delirious

We're gonna make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester. But graduation's in three hours

You thought I couldn't, but I could. I did. And I could do it again. Let's do it again! Lisa, it's over. You can put your arms down. I can't. They're stuck.

'For satisfactory completion of the second grade.' Oh

We thought this time we'd take you to Disneyland for real. [Both] Yea! [Both] Hey!

Dad, our baby pictures were in there

Wow! I feel like such a nobody

When I grow up, I wanna be in the Betty Ford Center

You'll practice me? What does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of threat?

You have 13 pickled eggs in this jar... and one cockroach.

Who are you, sweetheart, the health inspector? No, but I am. Uh, here, have a margarita. Uh, that's a parasol.

"Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"? "Oboemoboe"? That one. Oh, "saxomaphone."

Yeah, not to mention lookir like a pig, eatir like a pig- Don't forget the smell.

Ow! Someone just punched me in the face! It was your mother!

Oh, no! And I let him use my toothbrush!

Oh, no! And I let him use my toothbrush!

No, don't eat me! You don't know where I've been!

If they're really witches, why don't they use their powers to escape? That sounds like witch talk to me, Lisa.

Doesn't the Bible say, 'Judge not lest ye be judged'?

Hey, you destroyed my turnip crop. No, that was gophers. Impossible. We burned all the gophers.

You know, scaring people into giving us treats is fun. We should do this every year.

Dad, that's our house.

This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth - Mexico or Portugal! Can we go, Dad? Please, Dad? Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!

If I didn't have this gun, the king of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? Do you? No.

Can you help me get my ball down from the roof, Dad? Sure thing, honey.

After all, what civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?

Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the- Uh-oh!

Then why are you running the obstacle course? Are you wearing my self-defense whistle?

Bart didn't get cut. What a surprise.

Well, I know you don't want to disappoint Dad... but how do you feel about lying to him? Good.

What's a castrati? I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.

Dad, those peanuts aren't for you. They're for the elephant. Screw him!

I didn't like it. The mast had termites. Why would a motorboat have a mast? Because! The thing, it was- Shut up!

My attorney, Lionel Hutz, calls your attention to Municipal Code 147-C

Mr. Hutz, we won. We?

A bottle cap, a shoe, a bar of gold- anything!

a Neanderthal who got bitten by some angry fish

Well, it was just so loud... and- [Laughs] thanks for squeezing back.

Don't worry, Mom. We'll help you study. Of course, we'll have to cut back on our own homework.

You're all nuts.

Seat belts. [Scoffs] They kill more people than they save. That's not true. You're thinking of air bags.

The Indians used to drink water to wake up early for their attacks.

That's not as fun as it looks. Nothing could be as fun as that looks.

Oh, I'm sorry. I jabbed you with my pen. Ow! You're still doing it. Yeah, I know.

Oh, will this Christmas never end?

Lisa? Bail out!

I think they're running out of tomatoes. Yeah, but they still got plenty of pumpkins.

'You'll all get yours in hell... you lying, thieving' blanking blankers- 'Sincerely, Moe.'

But we would've had each other anyway. Yeah, plus lots of other stuff.

A Clint Eastwood, Lee Marvin shoot-'em-up western! [Both Groaning]

Joshua Logan's Paint Your Wagon. With blood, I bet. [Both Laughing]

- Allowance day. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. - You don't deserve an allowance.

That's a good suggestion, Mom. - We'll take it under advisement.

No! Then who'd chop off my hands?

Hard work made us quit.

Okay. We get our room and board free anyway. - And Santy Claus provides the rest.

That was just confusing.

Wow, it's 'Euro-rific.'

You gonna get drunk and start a lot of trouble? - Sure, anything you want.

- Ugh. - Oh, don't worry. That's just to scare off thieves.

- Doing anything tonight, blue eyes? - Ew.

Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type. Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Yeah. Maybe it'll wear off, like his interest in C.B. radio. That's a negatory, good buddy!

He's wrong! You're wrong! The whole damn system is wrong! [Screams]

All right already. But do you love the Leader more than having your very own brand-new hover bikes? [Kids gasp] What Leader? The hell with him. He can take a flying leap.

Sorry, kids. There's no such thing as hover bikes. They're just a couple of Huffys on a fishing line. But we heard them hovering. Oh, I'm afraid I played a dirty part in this little charade. [Humming]

It's wonderful to think for ourselves again. You said it, Sister.

Yeah. He's my favorite fictional character.

David Versus Super-Goliath and Suddenly, Last Supper

Hey! Martin seconded the motion. It's entirely his fault.

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry.

Well, I guess you could have. Milhouse, I am defending you. Oh. Sorry. I'm just saying, it was either you or the monster.

You liar! You did it, you lying jerk! Take that! You did it! Objection! He's not asking any questions. Hmm. I'm gonna allow this.

Stop! You are in violation of the Model U.N. charter! Uh, that's right. The U.N. doesn't look too kindly on-

Hey. If a boar can survive here, there must be a source of food. Hey. I only stole two sandwiches and a bag of Doritos.

Ah, shut up. Savages.

Perfect, you'll grow into them. / When? / Oh, you're both way overdue for a spurt.

A rest home for pirates? / No, Dad. It's to fight soil erosion.

Dad, the zebra didn't do it. It's just a word at the end of the dictionary. / I still don't get it. / It's just a joke. / Oh, I get it! I get jokes.

Sure, there were a lot of laughs. You probably couldn't hear them. The acoustics were so bad.

Here's $42. That's everything I have. / Run home and bury it in the yard. / I love you, Mom.

Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it.

Answer this, Professor. [Grunting]

Maybe I can't concentrate because of all your cooties! It's called lice. And it's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's not Egyptian. It's not Prince's names.

It's an eraser with pushpins. And a spring for his curly tail. [Laughs] Oink, oink, oink.

Wait. That's not how you spell 'dumbening.' Wait. 'Dumbening' isn't even a word!

Isn't there any way I can change my D.N. A... like sitting on the microwave?

Well, Ralph seems happy enough. Maybe I should just give up now and settle into a mindless, happy stupor.

But those candy bars are all squished and melted. Wha- Wha-

Hi, honey. It's me, your husband, Ralph. Hey, angel pie. Can you drive me down to the 'liberry'?

Uh, I am! I'm strongly opposed to... Proposition, uh, 305! You're against discount bus fares for war widows?

To Kill a Mockingbird, Harriet the Spy and Yertle the Turtle... possibly the best book ever written on the subject of turtle stacking.

Well, you look pretty successful. Thanks. I play a millionaire at parties. At least I'd like to.

I got it! Whoo-hoo! I mean, splendid.

This is Jerry Maguire. Show me the message. Show me the message!

This is Geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call... so here come the beep. Here come the beep!

But the rocket was my idea. - But asking you was Ralph's idea. - You're the man, Ralph!

An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way.

What is it, sweetie? Did you see a scary picture in your picture book?

That was last year's taxes. You have to pay again this year.

Today's top story- Little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.

I know. I already jumped to that conclusion.

Tell me who I selected to be lunchroom monitor. - Me?

Well, we used to date. Plus, he threatened me.

So we meet again, Mr. Bond. - Silence, Octopussy.

First on the chopping block- periodicals. - Boring.

'Zazz.' - What is 'zazz'? - 'Zing,' 'zork,' 'kapowza'

Bart's not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain.

Between you and me, he's, well... kind of dumb. [Whimpers]

That wasn't news. That was sappy, manipulative drivel.

It's Lisa. - Maryann's better.

They'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.

Can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy? [Screaming Gibberish]

That's what Veterans Day is for, Bart. - But is that really enough?

They have two. - Well, maybe they should have three.

You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings.

[Thinking] Oh. I know. I heard it too

Mom, a man just died. [Groans] Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.

Rod, ladies pick first. Okay. I choose... Todd.

Uh, I'm pretty sure he's dead, little girl. Here. Have a Powersauce bar. It's on the house.

She said something, but she was kind of in a rush to get Bart to the emergency room.

Well, if it would put your mind at ease, I could take a limousine. Although, that would cost $200.

Ah, the old number 22. Clean, reliable public transportation. The chariot of the people. The ride of choice for the poor and very poor alike.

Are you gettir on this next bus, kid? - Yes. - [Whistles] Taxi!

Aha! It's springtime, so the geese must be flying back north!

Could you open the window? The cops have Daddy's prints on file.

Now I know how Sir Dudley Winthrop felt when he first fell through the ceiling and discovered the Temple of Isis.

It's a music box.

Dad, that's the Old Spice song. It is? Well, that's a good song too.

What are you doing? - Playing Hot Wheels. Ow! That had a guide pin in it.

Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch. Yes, sir!

Hey, public display! - Yeah, what's with the love thang?

It's a bottle cap. - Jewel-encrusted?

Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca. - Bart, this could be priceless! - Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?

Aye, aye, aye, where did you get this, ya shrunken old hag, ya? - I'm just a little girl.

Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow? - I like school. - Me too! We have so much in common.

I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's? Thank you, Lisa.

Your name's Lisa? Shut up! I love that name. Did she just tell me to shut up? Take it outside.

Is that perfume? - Oh! Don't be such a Phoebe. It's Pretension by Calvin Klein.

Well, you'll definitely wanna get yourself a good doll. The new Malibu Stacy has an achievable chest.

Oh.Jacks. Jacks are big. They went out for a while, but then they came roaring back.

Uh, they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire.

Ah! I see the trophies are still out for cleaning, eh, Lisa? [Chuckling] [Forced Chuckle]

Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you. [Laughing] Oh, yeah. Good one, Mom.

Oh, and get this, Mom. She drinks iced tea.

But, Dad- - Uh-uh. Think. Is that what Alex would say?

You forgot apple bobbing. - No, I didn't.

I don't know. The ponies might be startled by the loud music. - Well, there wouldn't be ponies. - Oh.

Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch... and bake cookies and watch The McLaughlin Group?

No doubt. Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance?

You've always had a crush on me, right? Well, this is your lucky day... 'cause you're gonna take me to the dance. Pretty great, huh? See ya.

What am I doing? This isn't me. I'm sorry, Milhouse. I'm free next weekend! There's plenty of Milhouse to go around!

And if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow... why, you could be the belle of the ball. Mom, you can't possibly believe that.

Come on, Alex. We've only got nine, maybe 1 0 years tops... where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open... and go days without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again.

It's true. I read it on a place mat at a restaurant. Really? A restaurant? Well, now I don't know what to think.

Yeah, he invented stuff too. - Shut up.

Automatic- Butt. Fluorescent- Booger.

Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves. Lazy father. Can't even spank his own kids.

Lazy father. - Can't even spank his own kids

Oh, yeah. Safety sells, especially to lame-o's. I'd buy one. Me too.

Mom, they put every kid in America in that book... just so gullible parents will buy it. It's all a big scam. - [Muttering] Shut up.

[Lisa] Yes! A Maggie-oop! [Buzzing] Mm-hmm. - Hey, that's cheating!

Mustache comb. What'd you get? - Fake mustache. - Wanna comb it? - [Groans] This sucks.

This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon. - That never happened, Dad. - Sure it didn't.

One- they don't have beaks. Two- they don't have feathers. And three- they're lizards! - You're a lizard!

No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards. - But aren't the snakes even worse? - Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. - Then we're stuck with gorillas! - No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

I don't get it, Bart. You got all upset when you killed one bird... but now you've killed tens of thousands and it doesn't bother you at all. - Hey, you're right.

If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore.

Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon. How humiliating.

Hey. They're laughing at your pain. That's mean. Let's teach 'em a lesson.

Lisa: 'Actually keeping promises would make you a good father.' Homer: 'No, that would make me a great father.'

Bart: 'And you kids aren't exactly John and Joan Cusack.' Lisa: 'Ankle? Focaccia? What are you talking about?' Homer: 'See? It's like we don't even speak the same language anymore.'

Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies? - Of course not. - Our dog isn't famous.

No, really. You're lazy and self-righteous. And the soles of your feet are jet-black.

'Candy Warhol.' 'Xavier Nougat.' Naw. Nothin' made of dead guys

Lisa getting trapped in freezer and shivering

Lobsters need saltwater. / I'm way ahead of you

I'm afraid I can't allow that. / Lisa! / Mom! No, wait. We can make a deal

You don't have anything I want

Oh, you shouldn't be watching The Learning Channel. You need to take it easy. / But I'm hardly learning at all

What? Nunchakus? Those aren't even Australian

Yes! I am just four power wands away from an antigravity lozenge

Is this my house? / No. You live in a different house

How do I get that kind of credibility? / With eight years of scrupulous honesty. / Eh. It's not worth it

But I- I might infect the other kids. / That's a risk I'm willing to take

Mr. blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank. Oh, I am in deep blank

Brown. Brown. Brown.

Oh! I am sick of everyone being so proud of me! That's my girl.

You got a good grade without even reading the book. That's win-win. / Can't you see the difference between earning something honestly... and getting it by fraud? / Hmm. I suppose, maybe, if, uh- No. No, sorry. I thought I had it there for a sec

Can't you see the difference between earning something honestly... and getting it by fraud? Hmm. I suppose, maybe, if, uh- No. No, sorry. I thought I had it there for a sec.

Three cheers for your father. Hip, hip- Mom, don't. Hip, hip- We heard you the first time. Hip, hip- Hey, I'm trying to drive here.

There. Problem solved. [Engine Backfires] Oh, come on! Relax. She just needs a little lovin'.

Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Money. That's why everybody does everything.

Let's see. One, two, three- Six whiskeys. We only serve sarsaparilla, mac. No alcohol. [Groans] You can get drunk when we get home. Duh.

What is it with you and robots?

Oh, that's cute! Did you get it in the souvenir shop? No, that security guard is handing 'em out.

I can't imagine Dad running away like this. / Leaving his father to die? Even I wouldn't do that. And I'm America's bad boy.

[Weakly] Hi.

Hold it. What's your clearance? / We just wanna get a snack. / Access denied.

That 'change' was a bribe

No, he doesn't. Trains are regulated by the federal Department of Transportation

What kind of music do they play? Crap-Rock? No. Wuss-Rock? That's it.

Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad? Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything. Even you? Especially me.

His career's over. I'm gonna warm up the car. But there's only been one pitch. And it sucked.

What did you do last night? Last night? Um-

Fine. We'll play Hippo in the House. Oh, the hippo's missing. [Both Groaning]

No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter. And I think I know how.

Our top secret tonight- gay divorcee Luann Van Houten... has been cheating on her boyfriend, Pyro... with his best friend, Gyro.

I got some dog food! I got my letter to Santa.

Yeah, I'm bored too.

It's so rigid and uncreative. - Okay.

Oh, leather craft. - Oh, those poor, helpless cows!

Vincent Price's Egg Magic. Wow. What are we waiting for?

I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product.

Mom, this was made in 1967. They're probably out of business.

Hello. This is Vincent Price. [Gasps] It's Vincent Price! I thought he was dead.

It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral. Gee! I never thought I'd say this about a TV show, but this is kind of stupid.

Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better. The Renaissance. This is better.

Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet? That's not really you, Dad. Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa.

like, oh, Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Bart, kill that cat! And that big yellow flower! Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me.

Kids, there's three ways to do things- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster!

That's not a fairy tale. It's just something that happened to you at Moe's.

Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks. I saw Krabappel's butt. I paid.

Ew! Why is Courtney Love on the Wheaties box?

Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult!

But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal.

Does anything from the movies actually work?

And she also knew if a rhino sees a flame... he'll instinctively try to put it out. Stone Phillips again.

You gave away my room?

Wow. My mind just created that out of nothing.

Does it get any better than this? Not to me, Dad.

Lousy meat-eating scum. - Huh? - Not you.

It's decorated with hanging steer carcasses and a fountain of blood.

He's not even halfway through Walter and he's already hallucinating.

They've eaten submarine sandwiches, grinders and hoagies.

We're buying a new doorbell? - A musical doorbell.

Oh! Milhouse is selling seeds, and he's coming this way- Oh, the birds got him.

Doorbell playing song repeatedly

But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right? - More or less. Hey, is that manna?

How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. [Screams] Yeah, he's done.

Dad, chew with your mouth closed. You're losing your mystique.

Well, Mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy. [Grunting] Good work, honey. Keep it coming.

Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Hey, Ray J. Johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been. Who? You can call him Ray. Or you can call him J. Or you can call him Ray J. But you doesn't have to call him- I'm sick of him already.

They call it his Angry Jerk Period.

Well, actually, I just wrote it for a school assignment. Everyone else wrote to the Backstreet Boys.

They're not babies, Lisa. Give 'em something fun- like cigars or booze. We tried giving them eggnog at Christmas... but it led to widespread 'de-shawling.'

They don't even seem to care that it's medication time. - Medication time? Hot dog! - Gimme, gimme, gimme!

I'm not lazy. I'm just, um, uh- Lisa, finish my sentence for me. Why don't you finish your own darn- [Snoring]

Unbelievable. We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons. - Young lady, this may be the high point of Bart's life.

Oh, this is so embarrassing!

Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? - You.

People, stop, stop! We're not animals!

Today, our town lost what remained of its fragile civility... drowned in a sea of low fat pudding

Look, I got runner-up prize. - You won second place? - No, but I got it.

We are a town of lowbrows, no brows and ignorami

We have eight malls, but no symphony. Thirty-two bars, but no alternative theater. Thirteen stores that begin with 'Le Sex.'

Well, most of us

Can you recommend any books for my mobile? - anything by Jane Austen - Thanks Lisa. I'll get right on it.

Is that a pie or a quiche? - A pie. - You may enter.

I know that. It's also a constellation visible only from the southern hemisphere

But 'rise to vote, sir' is a palindrome. - Good glavin. She's right.

Even the microfilm? - Even the microfiche.

Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny. - Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio

Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus

Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power and the stupidest run everything?

You have been chosen to join the Justice Squadron... 8:00 a.m. Monday at the Municipal Fortress of Vengeance

Don't feel bad, Lisa. Sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish. - Even you? - No, not me. Never.

Bart, the Internet is more than a global pornography network. It's a- [Horn Honks]

I invested in something called News Corp- Dad! That's Fox! [Screams] Undo! Undo!

I invested in something called News Corp- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo!

Ew. We're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99-cent store? Well, maybe for your wedding.

Look, Mom. They have your dress. [Groans] Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that.

Look, Mom. The safety instructions are written in haiku. 'Fasten seat belts tight. Your seat cushions float gently. Headsets, five dollars.'

Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? [Beeping] [Grunting, Groaning]

Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown. I'd like to see the Japanese take on the club sandwich. I bet it's smaller and more efficient.