Homers Enemy

Homer:D'oh!

Kent Brockman:We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important news bulletin. Scientists have confirmed that the sun is expanding and will consume the Earth in approximately 47 minutes. In related news, the Kwik-E-Mart is having a half-price sale on expired milk. Back to you.

Kent Brockman:Tonight, a heartwarming story about one man's struggle to overcome adversity. Frank Grimes, a local power plant worker, has faced tragedy after tragedy, yet continues to persevere.

Kent Brockman:From losing his left hand in a silo accident at age twelve, to his bout with radiation poisoning, Frank's indomitable spirit serves as an inspiration to us all.

Kent Brockman:And in conclusion, I'd like to congratulate young Ralph Wiggum on successfully tying his shoes without adult supervision. A true inspiration to us all.

Kent Brockman:Well, folks, I'm pleased to announce that I have finally earned my degree in nuclear physics.

Kent Brockman:It took a lot of determination.

Kent Brockman:In fact, I'm so proud of my determination that I've decided to pursue a master's degree in it.

Mr. Burns:Frank, I admire your self-made success. Why, I myself am a self-made man.

Homer:No, you're not. Your father gave you the power plant.

Mr. Burns:Well, yes, but I inherited it at a very young age. I had to learn to use the phone.

Mr. Burns:A dog saved my life once. Jumped in front of a bullet meant for me.

Smithers:How heroic, sir!

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, the next day he murdered my gardener. Turns out he was just a vicious beast.

Mr. Burns:Frank was supposed to be executive vice president, but I'm afraid I must let him go.

Homer:Why? What did he do?

Mr. Burns:Nothing. But my dog Santa's Lil' Helper has shown remarkable aptitude for the position.

Homer:Wheeeee!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo... hoo... Woo... Woo... Wo... W...

Homer:Blarghhh...

Homer:Frank, those pencils with your name on them mean you're middle management. You know what that means? You're not the guy in charge, but you're not one of us either. You're like a pizza cutter — all edge, no point.

Homer:Hey Lenny, can I borrow a pencil?

Lenny:Sure, Homer.

Homer:Thanks!

Homer:They wanted someone to manage the panner plant. I can do that!

Homer:Here's my advice: do the minimum amount of work required to not get fired. And if they ever ask you to do something, just say you're too busy. Works like a charm.

Homer:I've been doing it for years. That's why I'm such a valuable employee.

Frank:We're not paid to sleep.

Homer:We're not? Then I've been doing it all wrong. I thought the job was just a cover for my sleep schedule.

Homer:Wait, you're telling me I'm supposed to actually work? This is oppression!

Homer:I won! I won! I got it for just one dollar!

Marge:Homer, what did you buy?

Homer:I have no idea.

Frank:Please, call me by my proper name.

Homer:Sure thing, Franky!

Homer:Look at this place! It's perfect!

Homer:Sure, the roof leaks, the machines don't work, and there's a smell like a thousand dead rats... but it's MINE!

Homer:Stay out of my office.

Homer:Oh, like that's ever gonna happen.

Homer:Why is there an alarm going off?

Homer:I'll fix it!

Homer:Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Homer:*hits panel randomly* D'oh!

Carl:That man eats like a pig.

Lenny:Worse than a pig. A pig stops when it's full.

Carl:Yeah, Homer's been asleep since lunch. He does that sometimes.

Carl:Usually after his third beer. Or is it his fourth? I lost count after my second.

Lenny:Actually, I've been keeping precise count. Homer should've died 45 times by now.

Homer:Mmm... poison.

Homer Simpson:Well, that would've been bad.

Mr. Burns:You're fired, Frank! Get out of my sight!

Homer:Wow, Frank got a promotion! Lucky guy.

Homer:Enemies, huh? Well, I can live with that. We can be enemies on weekends.

Homer Simpson:What? You don't like me? But everybody likes me. I'm a great guy. People love me. I'm funny, I'm handsome, I'm intelligent...

Barney:It's literally Nixon's list with the names changed.

Moe:You know, I'd like to make some friends. Maybe I'll invite some people over for dinner.

Moe:I'll cook 'em a nice meal, we'll have some drinks, tell some jokes...

Moe:And if things don't work out, I'll just kill 'em.

Homer:But Moe, what about the violence?

Moe:Homer, I've never succeeded at anything without violence.

Homer:Alright, listen up. Bart, you're in charge of making sure Lisa does her homework. Lisa, you make sure Maggie doesn't get into trouble. And Maggie... uh... you just keep being... whatever it is you do.

Marge:Homer, that's our daughter.

Homer:I know, I know. Look, the point is, I'm going out and I need you all to behave. Understand, Maggie?

Bart:Dad, you just called her 'Maggie.'

Homer:Did I? Well, what's her real name then?

Homer Simpson:Welcome to my casa.

Frank:Your casa?

Homer Simpson:Well, that's what I call it. Sounds more impressive than 'house.'

Homer:Well, I'd like you to meet my son, Bart. He's named after an anagram of the word 'brat.'

Homer:I also bought an abandoned building once. Turns out it was just an abandoned building.

Frank Grimes:I worked hard my whole life, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! And Homer Simpson, he does nothing, NOTHING, and he has everything!

Frank Grimes:Look at where he lives - a house! A nice house! And where do I live? Impossibly sandwiched between bowling alleys!

Homer:And here's me at NASA!

Frank:You went to NASA?

Homer:Well, not exactly. I was just in the parking lot.

Frank:You drove to Florida to sit in a parking lot?

Homer:It was a really nice parking lot, Frank.

Homer:What do I have to show for my life? Well, let me see... a job I'm not qualified for, a house I can't afford, a wife way out of my league, and three kids.

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? I'm just being honest. It's like I won the lottery, except I never bought a ticket.

Frank Grimes:You've been here for ten years and you're still a Safety Inspector? I've been here one day and I'm already a Section Manager. You know why? Because I'm a go-getter. I have initiative. I have drive. And you... you're Homer Simpson.

Frank Grimes:How can you live with yourself? How can you go home at night and face your family knowing you've done nothing all day but sit around and do nothing? I work hard. I study. I improve myself. And for what? So I can watch a moron like you make three times my salary?

Frank Grimes:This is what's wrong with America. People like you. Lazy, stupid, incompetent people who don't care about anything but your next donut. Meanwhile, people like me... we bust our humps, we play by the rules, and we get nothing. Nothing!

Frank Grimes:You're a baboon. A bumbling, babbling baboon.

Bart:He's got a point.

Bart:Whoa, check it out, Milhouse. This place is awesome!

Milhouse:Yeah, but Bart, isn't this like, super dangerous?

Bart:Dangerous? Nah, it's just like the playground, except with more toxic chemicals and exposed machinery.

Milhouse:That's the opposite of a playground, man.

Homer:I'm not afraid of Grimes!

Marge:Homer, you've been hiding in the closet for three days.

Homer:That's not true! And quit saying crazy things!

Homer:Frank's got a point, Marge. I mean, sure, the guy's a little intense, but his grievances are totally legit.

Marge:Homer, that's very understanding of you.

Homer:Yeah, well, I'm a sensitive guy. But you know what? The second he starts making sense, I'm out. I don't need that kind of crazy talk in my life.

Homer:Good morning. I am operating at maximum professional capacity. My facial muscles have been configured into the approved corporate smile. I will now proceed to my workstation in a manner that suggests I enjoy being here.

Homer:I shall consume my beverage at precisely the correct temperature and speak only in syncopated monotone to avoid alarming my superiors.

Frank Grimes:You know, Homer Simpson, in the three years I've worked here, I haven't had a single accident. And I attribute that to clean living, a good diet, and touching my lucky horseshoe every morning.

Homer Simpson:Well, I've had 239 accidents. But I'm still here.

Lenny:Yeah, and you know what they say: 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Homer's practically invincible at this point.

Homer:A nuclear power plant designed with kindergarten craft supplies? Perfect!

Lenny:Homer, that's macaroni art.

Homer:It'll hold!

Homer:We're making you night watchman, Milhouse.

Milhouse:Oh boy, oh boy! What's the pay?

Homer:Pathetically inadequate compensation.

Milhouse:Well, I was supposed to watch the place, but then I fell asleep. And while I was asleep, someone came in and stole stuff. So I guess you could say I failed at watching because I was sleeping instead of watching.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, this design is absurd. A hot tub at a nuclear power plant? What's next, a ball pit in the reactor core?

Homer:Well, you see, I designed it like a race car. You got your intake valve here, your exhaust valve here, and this little button here makes it go real fast.

Lenny:Hey Homer, you entered the contest?

Homer:Yeah, I'm gonna win against these kids!

Lenny:Homer, those are actual children.

Homer:I know.

Frank Grimes:Why must I fail at everything I do?! Homer Simpson does the same job, makes the same salary, yet he has a wife, children, a house! How is that possible?!

Frank Grimes:I'll show them all. I'll be just like Homer Simpson.

Frank Grimes:D'oh! Woo-hoo! Why you little...!

Frank Grimes:D'oh!

Frank Grimes:So I just ignore all the safety protocols, huh? Like Homer does?

Frank Grimes:No protective gear, no checking the equipment, just waltz into the reactor core...

Frank Grimes:What could possibly go wrong?

Frank Grimes:*gets electrocuted*

Homer:zzzzzzz...

Homer:Wha--? Huh? What'd I miss?