Election Night

History is calling, and it won't go to voicemail.

Amy, if he wins, our lobbying stock is gonna droop like a chimp's tits.

Off air I'm telling the Nazis that she's hiding in the attic.

So, suck it, Fox.

Hey, wait, it's the testicle man. Guilty as charged. Check 'em, don't neglect 'em.

You're the face of workplace bullying and genital health.

Oh, man, election nights are my cocaine. It used to be election nights and cocaine were my cocaine, but...

Then again, they said the Rapture was close.

Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.

What was that? I got, like, four seconds. Well, most people get just two.

I'm saving that for when I go to prison. Even money they give you the chair.

I'll be thinking about that while I'm with whichever guy makes me his prison fiancé.

Fuck! / What? / Cramp.

That was transcendent bullshitting.

You're gonna win in a slide. You know, marginally.

Ah! These damn hotel carpets. I keep getting that static electric shock. You need one of those ionic bracelets that grounds you.

It's the prison toilet situation which preys on one's mind. Defecating in full view of another man is unthinkable.

Yeah, Bill, put a cork in it, will you? You know, that actually may help.

He's like a Native American tracker. He can hear it in the wind.

I could pardon you? That wouldn't look good. You'd be the first person to say that. I'm not entirely sure I would in this circumstance.

Hey, Bill, I got a lot on the line with my presidency right now, so I don't really have time to be thinking about your whatever the fuck it is. Probable imprisonment. Exactly.

Set up an office with Selina at the Betty Ford Clinic?

Politics bores me. It bores the living hell out of me. God, it's boring.

I only really know Amy as the woman who rushed everywhere clutching her phone like it contained her frozen embryos.

Works frantically to avoid dealing with her weird mix of lack of self-worth and narcissism. I really like her.

That was the bad news, which in the end I didn't bear.

The bigness. Mm-hmm.

O'Brien can't be president. He's still contracted to be the KFC logo.

About something specific, or...? Should the president and I have swapped roles? For? For the election. This election. There's an election going on.

Call me when you get this. Get someone else to dial if you're in a straightjacket.

Some of our viewers were complaining that you're shrill anyway, so... Oh, shrill? No, no, I'm never shrill.

Hey, could someone check the parking lot? I think all the alarms are going off.

Screw this whole sloppy, backseat blowjob of a night anyway. I don't give a shit.

This is a 360-degree turn. It's 180.

Rescinded is my new favorite word!

Look, look. Mom, CNN has it, too. It appears that Matty's domino is standing up straight again.

Oh, yeah, you better unpack it. 'Let's see if we can unpack this now.' 'Oh, I've got pubic hair on my head.'

Go back to the Shire, you fucking moonfaced hobbit.

I mean, you know, everyone's like, 'Oh, Tom James. Ooh, it's Tom James. He's so dreamy. Sign my tits, Tom James.'

I don't want to be impotent. In your administration. Oh, right!

You want to run my economy? Bank of Tom James.

I used six rolls of Magic Tape to stick it back together.

Want your face on money or something? Want that TV? Take it.

They supply 90% of the country's paprika. Yep, we lobbied for them, so my hands are dirty with paprika money.

I've known sailors less likely to go either way than this. I... pardon my ribaldry.

Fuck Iowa. I'd say nuke it, but I think someone already did.

I could crack a walnut in my ass.

Just remember, check 'em, don't neglect 'em. Nice. You guys remember the A-Team, right? A-Team? 'I'm the A-Team.'

they were supposed to be on the run, but, you know, they were in a really distinctive van. Yeah, what was up... What was up with that?

I know that my job can be hard on you and that was a bit of a bummer, huh? Yeah, just a little bit.

Yeah, and he was, like, 60. He was 35.

men are horrible. Okay? I mean, I have to just tell it to you like it is, honey. But all men are awful. Really. And the key is to just find a man who's the least horrible.

Horrible.

God, it always seems longer with Catherine.

Just something with real sugar. No sweeteners or I'll shit my pants.

They're ghosts. You can't... you can't concede.

This fucking job sucks anyway.

Time to turn that noose back into a necktie, buddy.

I'm taking the White House. Please leave the hot tub on.

We need to give them a hit of political meth.

Way ahead of you. Shit, I'm just getting how to tie a tie.

You do your best. You try to serve the people and then they just fuck you over. And you know why? Because they're ignorant and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.

Is it a dance-off?

So you mean that I might lose this election to my fucking vice president?

At least it'd be somebody from our team, ma'am. I mean, that's good, right? I didn't mean to make her cry.

With all due respect, you need to get your shit together now, lady. Ma'am up. You're still the leader of the free world.

With all due respect, you need to get your shit together now, lady. Ma'am up. You're still the leader of the free world.

A tie is unprecedented. So is becoming the first lady president. So is that jackoff becoming president through the back door.

The rule book's been torn up now and America is wiping its nasty ass with it.

That fucking guy with his fucking charm and his fucking son and his fucking wheelchair with his spine all fucked up.

Amy Brookheimer who so successfully ran my campaign until she became unwell.

Ma'am, I seriously overstepped the mark going out onstage. That was a fuck-up. Yeah, I'll say. You might want to watch that if you become president.

Ma'am, I seriously overstepped the mark going out onstage. That was a fuck-up. / Yeah, I'll say.