Black Tie

Yo' mama is so stupid, she thinks an iMac is a new hamburger at McDonald's

When I drop a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow me around for a week

That's what your sister asked me last night. Booyah!

Prince Gerhardt is the last male descendant of the imperial house of Hapsburg. They ruled the Austro-Hungarian Empire, The Defenestration of Prague

Theatre tech. I see.

No. They're just really chapped.

That's what your mom said to me last night. Booyah.

[High-pitched voice] Elmo wants you to aim your pee-pee at the potty. No, not at Mommy. At the potty.

Did Mommy have some wine before she called Elmo?

Pete, there are two types of women in this world... one who gives you strength and one who takes strength from you, like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie.

Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete. Where's your spinal cord, son?

That's why eight times a week I go to the strip club. It gives me energy, which I bring back to her.

You mean like a dog birthday party?

No, Liz. Cinderella is blond. You can be Snow White and party with the little people.

Ow! That really hurt my hand! Dag! Who does that?!

This is definitely a date. No. Is it?

Lemon, I date socialites and models and actresses, Liz Hurley... in the '90s.

You showed the security guy your boobs, didn't you? Just one. It's not the White House.

Austria. Yeah. That's what I said.

Prince Gerhardt Messerschmitt Rammstein Von Hap!

Who's Snow White now?

Most people in his situation would be angry with their family for the centuries of inbreeding, but not Gerhardt. He's too busy trying to stave off infection.

And surprisingly age-appropriate.

And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.

It was part of the Big Brother Little Sister program.

She's much sharper than the last girl you had. What was her name? Beyoncé.

And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.

His highness is attempting to wink at you.

I'm an actress, Liz. It would be my greatest role of all time.

You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.

He saved my life when we was in Desert Storm. Our tank broke down. He killed 14 Germans so we could get the hell out of there.

Sexually... she wanted it four or five times a day, always standing up. Standing up. What? How does that even work?

Sadly, because my body does not produce joint fluid, I cannot.

But I would enjoy watching you dance for me.

Jazz! Tap! Jitterbug! Charleston! Interpretive! Twirl! Twirl again! Keep twirling!

Everyone thinks I'm 5'5", but I'm only 5'4".

Do you remember the movie "Footloose," where those evil kids won in the end?

Finally old enough to rent a car.

I've never done it in a men's bathroom before. Well, in this building.

Be a Samson! You're a better man than this. But she's so smooth.

My wife is not a Delilah, Tracy.

She's so smooth.

Who's that tickling my feet? I'm gonna kick you in your face. I know that.

A little late-in-life baby he can parade around Nantucket.

And that makes me want to sit on a knife.

[Both screaming]

I know we have just met, but I think I love you. Do you love me? Mm... hmm.

I think you just lost an eyebrow.

Who let him drink champagne? He cannot metabolize the grapes!

Meine Damen und Herren! The Hapsburg line... has ended.

You can pick up your gift bags at the coat check.

The Hapsburg line... has ended. You can pick up your gift bags at the coat check.

When Gerhardt was born, the doctor told his mother and cousin he would either live for 15 minutes or for 100 years. Boy, he proved them all wrong.

I'm 12 years younger than you. A woman your age, then.

I had "lunch" with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter, Alexis. Gross.