Jenna Maroney

This fat suit smells like corn chips

When I played that lady rapist on Law & Order, guess what the makeup guy put on under my eyes to take the puffiness out. Hemorrhoid cream.

It's for my face

From Chicago? / I was in Scottie Pippin's wedding.

This eye doesn't open all the way because when I was little, my sister peed in it

within his remunerative body of work

He's an imbecile. Well, he's our imbecile now.

Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia? And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?

He bit Dakota Fanning on the face! When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.

Stop falling in love with gay guys?

Oh my God. I didn't use the N word, did I? Oh, no, no, no, Miss Maroney, you did not.

Paranoid? Well, that just confirms all my suspicions.

Oh, that's Spanish for 'remember your mother.' No, I don't think it is.

Look how thin I look. And look how many emails I've gotten. It's not even 8:00 AM in L.A.

The guy obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. Neil. The one who played Halo under the name Slut Banger. Dennis. The gangly, red-haired guy who played guitar all the time. Conan.

It's a dance-pop techno hybrid called Muffin Top. I gave everybody copies at Christmas?

Well, apparently it's a number-one hit in Israel.

You should know that Muffin Top is also number four in Belgium.

I'm starting to think... he can't read!

Uh, when has it not worked? It'll be a 45-minute wait. Oh, will it?

That guy's an extra on the show. No. He said he was Jack's boss. No. In the sketch. He doesn't even have a line.

Which of these is less offensive? Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Or... Ooh-hunh! Unh-hunh! Ohhh!

You sent a letter to Scott Peterson. After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress.

When someone asks an actress how old she is, it's more statement than question.

But she's old. She's like 38. I'm gonna be sick.

I just mentioned Dennis, and your eyebrows didn't go up. They didn't? No. How about now? Unh-uh. Anything?

No, that's not true. What about that movie you did last summer? "The Rural Juror"? Yeah, The Rur-- That one.

Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home. So, unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida...

You're prettier than Deborah Messing. Please don't quit. Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll stay.

I'll do it. I mean, my parents raised me as a girl for, like, ten years. What? I told you guys that.

I know this great karaoke place where you can get a pedicure while you sing.

When I'm right here, you need to be here. Not here. Here is embarrassing.

It's how I decided to get a scooter instead of a bike.

Wow, red wine is not your drink.

Like that hot dancer Madonna used to have Lourdes.

I just wanted to sound smart.

The Rurr-Jurr has a limited release next week

You mean John Grisham. Oh, no. Kevin, John's brother.

Did you know that before Kevin was a novelist, he worked at a recycling center?

It's called Urban Fervor. Boy, these titles-- They really make you think.

'Urban Fervor' as sequel title

You remember that neighborhood festival where they killed a goat in the street? Yes! But we did have really good luck that year.

I think the entire sketch is a train wreck.

Teenmoviescene.com gave it five out of five iPods.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

She doesn't even need those glasses.

This slut slept with your brother! Mitch? Yeah, and let me tell you something about Mitch. He is disgusting in bed.

They did warn me those diet pills were mood altering.

You have brown hair.

Yeah, but you couldn't have been serious about acting for a living. You have brown hair.

This is boring. I'm bored now.

There are these two MSNBC guys we keep seeing around, and we don't know their names, so we call them the Head and the Hair.

Or maybe you really are the Hair and I'm the Head in our relationship.

You mean like a dog birthday party?

No, Liz. Cinderella is blond. You can be Snow White and party with the little people.

Ow! That really hurt my hand! Dag! Who does that?!

This is definitely a date. No. Is it?

You showed the security guy your boobs, didn't you? Just one. It's not the White House.

Austria. Yeah. That's what I said.

Who's Snow White now?

I'm an actress, Liz. It would be my greatest role of all time.

Jazz! Tap! Jitterbug! Charleston! Interpretive! Twirl! Twirl again! Keep twirling!

I know we have just met, but I think I love you. Do you love me? Mm... hmm.

I think you just lost an eyebrow.

Actually, I just came from performing at Vagina Day. Is that an offshoot of 'The Vagina Monologues'? No. We are in no way affiliated with 'The Vagina Monologues.'

Vagina Day is a charity event founded by a group of celebrities who have, for whatever reason, never been asked to participate in 'The Vagina Monologues.'

Every February 14th, we improvise monologues about our lady parts for the homeless. Oh, to benefit the homeless? No, just for them.

My vagina is a flower. A weird, ugly flower.

I can hear you!

'Cause you're a big phony. What? Everything about you is fake. Your tan's fake. Your hair is fake. Not the front.

My vagina is a convenience store... clean and reliable and closed on Christmas.

You wear your thrift-store T-shirts and your big, weird glasses and everybody says, 'Oh, look at Frank. He's so cool. He has a hat that says Extra Cheese.'

Okay, fine. I pooted. It's 3:00 in the morning. Are you happy?

At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me. But then I saw the Dukes of Hazzard. Funny!

Actually, they use salad dressing, 'cause it gets a better sheen.

Ya burnt!

I'm laughin', I'm horny, let's do this!

'Cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.

but it's just a bunch of gay guys that like to get in silly costumes and prance around.

Should I prepare a song?

Does my vulva look swollen? Come here.

Obama, what is he, Hispanic? / No, he's black. / And he's running for President? / Good luck.

You know, for someone who's super super hot, you're really cranky.

why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barrack Obama before he strikes again?

Ya burnt!

With that guy that sent you the flowers? By mistake?

I'm Samantha, you're Charlotte, and you're the lady at home who watches it.

when life keeps handing you anchovies just cover them up with some extra cheese and make a pizza

'cause my play was amazing. There is nothing like the thrill of doing a live show on broadway.

Liz, I had to eat four slices of pizza on stage, each performance... jenna, that's 32 pieces of pizza a week! No, that can't be right.

it's like I flipped the eating switch, and I can't flip it back.

oh it's worse from behind

How did I lose 25 pounds in one day? I didn'T. It's visual trickery. Drawing the eye up.

Oh, it's the Japanese porn star diet. I only eat paper, but I can eat all the paper I want, so...

Like James Gandolfini or Fat Albert?

I can't be on television looking like I just had a baby or something.

I'm keeping it! The fat. I've decided to keep it because people recognize me, and I get off on it.

Putting on this weight is the best thing that ever happened to me

The offer to play Ms. Pac-Man in the live action Atari movie

A high five. It was our special thing

Me want food, right?

Who picked out your outfit? Stevie Wonder?

Oh, daddy! Go on, keep talking. What else don't you like about me?

If I can't be Monique fat, I have to be Teri hatcher thin. Either way, you're laughin'.

You've probably never seen breasts before. So I'm gonna lean over this desk and you're gonna give me a new page jacket.

But... I'm on TV. I said, 'good day.' No, you didn't. Well, I meant to.

Oh, my God. Who ordered the veal? Am I right, guys?

I like your blond streaks. It's very Simon Le Bon. / Who? / Oh, you're young.

I had my 'no sex with Asians' rule. But then one day you walk into Sharper Image, and there's Quan.

Cougars. Hot older ladies pouncing on their young prey.

The one with the 'Crisis in Africa' cover. God, it makes me so sad that more people don't know about cougars.

You should get a Ring Pop to suck on.

Do I? I don't.

Best Actress in a Movie Based on a Musical Based on a Movie!

You're my rock. It is amazing how grounded I've been able to stay despite my célébrité.

Aah! The squirrel! It's not afraid of people!

Are you gonna do Horny Santa again, Frank? That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap. / Yes. Funny.

He thinks it's 1985. So if you meet him, just be cool. It should be mentioned that, sexually, Mitch is very much an adult. / No, it should not be mentioned.

That's a filthy Christmas miracle.

I know a good site that's dirty without sacrificing story. It's by women for women.

And I bought some land in the ninth ward after Katrina. I'm leasing it back to the government as a prison. Ka-ching!

Even Frank owns that chicken ranch in Nevada. He thought he was buying a whorehouse.

Oh, if you're interested, AJ's also selling a speedboat and a truck full of cigarettes.

I have thing that night. I have a thing that night.

Call AJ. But ask for 'Mike.'

'Cause an apartment never waits till you get in the shower then steals the necklace your mother gave you.

Warming your jeans in the morning? / That's right, and it feels good.

Love is wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles.

That's exactly what they say it's like when you freeze to death.

No, Jenna, I did not come back from the bathroom and hand him my underwear. That's how I met that mobster.

It's hard for me to watch 'American Idol,' because I have perfect pitch. Oh. Ew.

You had a three-way with Roseanne and Tom Arnold.

That was two years ago.

You must have been such a pretty monkey.

You must have been such a pretty monkey.

I mean, I don't do anything for Yolanda and she sends me those headless dolls.

I first met Liz in 1993. She was fresh out of college and I had just broken up with O.J. Simpson. And can I just say something? Total gentleman.

Then who were those kids you were yelling at the other day? Those were some child actors who had lied about being able to breakdance.

Funny how I wasn't invited. Or had you forgotten about my three episode arc as public defender Sparky Monroe?

You were the werewolf lawyer. I can prove my client is innocent. If only it weren't a full mooon! TO BE CONTIMUED.....

Uh, that idiot werewolf paid for my hand reduction surgery, okay?

Uh-oh, it's almost a full mooon!

If we didn't exist, how would people know who to vote for?

So she can put her feet in her mouth. So can i.

Kenneth is a monster! We have to stop him!

'O-M-G-, Liz. Look at you and me and our biological clocks'

'You're going baby crazy and I keep getting turned on by car accidents'

'Howdy, Jack! It's me, Janis Joplin! And I want to audition for my Sheinhardt-Universal biopic so bad that I came here dressed as me. Well, actually... I am me. So... Well, I dressed normal'

'Whoa! What is that iron bird? They had airplanes in the '60s, Jenna. Oh, right'

'Take a lesson from Janis and show some self-control. How far into that biography are you? Not very. Why? What happens?'

'Why? Do you want to get married? I'll do it'

'A Blaffair to Rememblack'

'Surround yourself with people and love and babies with pierced ears'

My what? ...No. ...With what? My arms? ...That would be the worst part!

Without the crew, we'd just be two amazing people succeeding in a vacuum.

Because it's their birthday.

And what's the best medicine? Medicine? Laughter.

What? Why aren't you laughing? This is happening to Liz!

I sure do like them French-fried 'pataters.'

No, you don't, Oprah.

Janet Jopler or Janie Jimplin

If you're nasty.

Did you know that Janis Joplin speed-walked everywhere and was afraid of toilets?

I'm going to need some cherry juice, buttermilk and tequila to make my signature Janis Joplin cocktail The Frankschlong.

I'm gonna do it. I'm going to eat this cat.

The Academy loves dead singers and the handicapped and Janis was both!

What? I speed-walked home on these!

I'm the one who had to take the 'Silkwood' shower this morning.

Last night was stupid. Stupid, Frank!

This is a victory for hot women everywhere.

Now, Dog the Bounty Hunter is the second-grossest guy I've been with.

What? Come on, you're a nurse? Some of us are hot.

How could you cut 'Diaper Chicken'?

My heart goes out to all the inner city kids. Especially those too fat to dance their way out.

What a schmo, entering first. Now, I'm the headliner, and he's just the warm-up act. I'm Mr. Don Rickles and he's just me.

No one ask me about my back brace.

Don't even ask about the wheelchair.

But who would I celebrate with if y'all were in a car accident?

Sir, as I'm sure you know from reading my blog

inspired by, but, for legal reasons, not based on Janis Joplin

Synonym's just another word for the word you want to use...?

I only heard the 'thin' part, Liz.

We could cut the lesbian scene. But the Oscars love that kind of thing. There's two guys at my gym named Oscar.

I haven't been this tired since I was forced to do that dance marathon in Dubai.

Let's go out this weekend and talk about you.

Well, because, Kenneth, I am a selfless person who can't get arrested in this town.

Before 'The Rachel,' Jennifer Aniston was just a chunky nobody who couldn't get a job. / Wasn't she already on Friends? / Richard Esposito, move to the back.

Everyone shout out words that describe my beauty. / Fading. / '80s. / 1880s.

But this is for a wonderful charity called Merkins of Hope.

Oh, no, Locks of Love turned me down. They said my hair was too processed for a sick person to wear.

Oh, no, Locks of Love turned me down. They said my hair was too processed for a sick person to wear.

But this is for a wonderful charity called Merkins of Hope.

Why are there so many dead doves up here?

I lost my virginity to the My Fair Lady soundtrack.

because of Hurricane Katrina

You were trying to be an actress then, despite your neck.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah. Let's go give him a piece of our mind. Let's stab him. Yeah, your thing.

What those people were doing to the Superdome?

It was in your bed. Aw, guys, come on! I eat in there!

I'm ranking you now. Hey, blondie. You're number one. I don't care! Thank you, Dennis.

I threw a brick through the window of a Banana Republic.

These crutches are real, everyone. Liz tried to kill me.

the only job she ever booked was for a local phone sex line

they only hired her because their first choice was deported

And all masked murderers share three characteristics: Cruelty to animals... / He grew up killing pigs! / Bedwetting. / No wonder he's fascinated when i do that! / And an inability to read human facial queues! / I admonished him for that earlier! / Three for three. He's a monster!

Kenneth's a murderer and the riddler's coming! / no. it's a bug bomb. get out. get out. / It's poisonous. Ah! / Ah!

Not to name names, but it's so sad That a certain black individual Found it necessary to trick someone so pretty Into believing you were a murderer.

I was just swinging my arm and she walked into me. Twice.

We got the life rights? It's not janie jimplin anymore?

Oh,okay. So what's the good news?

But what about my duet with jimi hendrickson at woodstocks?

someday there will be a black president

Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a wrdne.

It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.

But she knows what she did.

And now the cyrus family has decided to rock a bunch ofunky hats.

Was that me? Did they just say I'm dead?

I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.

It has the year I was born on it. Therealyear, not the actress year.

still alive.Not yet 32. Sorry,jack. Worth it.

You're a big fan of mine and you're not gay? / Not even bi-curious?

I still think that would have sold much better if he had shot me in the face.

I called 911. They wouldn't even connect me to their celebrity service.

She kills her father hoping that the guy will come to that funeral, too. / That's correct... oh, boy.

But of course, she'd also have to kill her father's doorman and anyone else who might have seen her. And you, for giving her the idea in the first place.

If he was here at night, he must work the evening shift... like on a sheik's pleasure yacht. Thank you.

Oh, for God's sakes. What is this, Third Watch?

I'm just a girl... standing in front of a boy she poisoned so this other boy would go to town on her.

Thank God... 'sociopath' downgraded to 'extreme narcissist.'

That wasn't me screaming in the bathroom.

Oh, he loves me! Somebody loves me. I'm gonna name him little Jenna And let him live in my dressing room.

His costume is hiding his erection.

Little Jenna had a baby last night.

You said you loved me! Your foot fingers are so strong!

Give me my money, you bitch! Never! [screaming]

And I was all like, 'talk to the hand.' You give me back my man, bitch! Never!

That actually happened to Liz. Vontella don't care who Liz is.

They never did find her earlobe

Do you know the song 'Are You Ready For Some Football?' Do I? That's what my phone plays whenever Ray Lewis calls me.

What sports does N.B.C. have these days? Oh, off-season tennis.

♪ It's tennis night in America ♪ ♪ Grab some buds and some brews, it's going to be a fight ♪

I came in here to shoot these tennis promos, and they had blue gels on the lights. You know that makes my teeth look see through.

If it is a blonde woman, I will kill myself!

♪ So put down your meth and slip on your whites ♪

this is actually a werewolf picture that, for tax reasons, is shooting in iceland.

i play a moon scientist who's trying to get to the bottom of things, and who-spoiler alert-may herself be a werewolf.

i've just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie in iceland, where i'm filling in last-minute for victoria beckham.

well, iceland appears to have a different sun than america, because this one is not setting.

and you probably don't know this, because you've never played a moonologist

yes, i remember that from the thriller video. too soon.

i'm told tomorrow night we may get as much as a minute of darkness.

the right! you hait in the rit.

i have mercury poisoning from obsessively taking my rectal temperature.

oh, liz, thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.

I had to give up my window seat to some sevenyearold who had to sit next to her precious mommy.

Start over,you hack!

I'm not gonna be pushed aside and forgotten, like that time at my sister's funeral.

We kiss each other,get into vans,black out.

I mean,I'm engaged,but not on halloween.

Get it? I'm an Italian senator.

Are we cowabunga on this?

Like katrina. do you remember katrina? That crazy girl from hair and make-up?

The hornberger system will de-vail. Is that the opposite of prevail?

i'm gonna walk up to him And say the four most vicious words You can say to a person you've already met. 'nice to meet you.'

nice to meet you

how dare you pretend you don't remember me! I'm the one who doesn't remember you!

how dare you pretend you don't remember me! I'm the one who doesn't remember you!

I know it's my turn to do the dishes, but I'm in character, and if you make me do the dishes I will kill myself!

this one's for my erotic massager, and this one's for something personal.

Drama is like gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.

Thank you! But you don't know what it looks like, because of the door!

Oh, my god. I bet she put Charlotte up to this.

Jack, you don't know what it's like to be on camer-ah. You're vulnerable. You're exposed.

Not anymore. You've created two lizzes, Regular Liz and performer Liz.

I've always wondered why you guys don't take the door off its hinges.

But next thing I know you're gonna be telling me you're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

Because I'm so happy for you. It's definitely not a rage stroke.

The program from this year's Asian women in television awards. Julie Chen's energy drink, Chenergize.

Sometimes my mom would take us to see Santa Claus, But that's just because she suspected one of them was my deadbeat dad.

So I'd have to get on every santa's lap in the Bakersfield area and scream, 'you oughta be ashamed of yourself, Travis!'

And then I'd sing carols in the middle of Sears just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.

You're just a Kenny Rogers doll now.

does chewing on a sponge trick your brain's hunger center? yes! yes!a million times yes!

can you believe they went to me before ayiiia from the real world: cancun?

too late! wait,which way did you mean that?

the gossip blogs are calling us "james." it's a combination of jenna and james.

having ice cold diarrhea from drinking too much jamba juice it's everything i ever wanted.

your hand feels like a pillow that's been in the microwave.

i thought it was a paparazzo,but it's just some loser taking a picture of his kid.

don't lemon your life,james.

liz, i can't do girls'lunch today. we've never done that.

i play tartine gramercy, an heiress to a vermouth fortune and a freshman at nyu.

it's interesting that they highlighted the mother's lines. well, that's so i'll know what part not to read.

what do you mean?I'm not playing the mo

the mother. they wanted me to play the...mother.

would a mother be planning a sex tour of vietnam this spring?

but those were my majors at the royal tampa academy of dramatic tricks.

this is so tandem. 'random,' jenna.Those kids are saying the word'random.'

hang on.i'm just tweeting that i ran into you. this is so tandem.

pretending i wasn't fourth runnerup at the miss teen bicentennial pageant.

All my 'aha' moments end with a moustache pressed against me.

the nagano olympics. microsoft windows '95. but i'm 41 now.time to die.

These are Jamie Foxx for assfarm.

I was making my thing up. You bitch! / What did you tell her, you vondruke?

That vondruke!

She was trying to use An Oxycontin prescription bottle as I.D.

Just like the day I was born.

This is some woman who shows up Every couple of years to ask for money. To her, I'm just a gorgeous, Naturally-blonde ATM.

Can I just tell you I'm genuinely having fun right now?

Is this the fight? I'm talking quieter. I'm in control.

Don't go, mommy. I'll stand closer to the gator.

My mom just made them. So they still might have some pigeon mites. But she said those can't affect-affect humans-humans.

She's made a full 360.

But if Beyonce simply answered one of my letters, I'd stop trying to break into her house.

Maynard's debilitating devotion validates how wonderful I am.

Maybe to one of my peers, like Julia Roberts.

Has the dog who gives you your orders died?

I just thought it would be with me in the trunk of a rental car.

'Jenna, I was in your bedroom last night. I left a gift in your toilet. You will be my bride someday.'

Doug is my vibrator.

Oh, my God! Who did this? I don't know. I guess some weirdo out there loves you.

Late at night, these two, little, twin girls told me they wanted to play with me forever

It's as if 'Claps-Giving Yay Harade' has lost all meaning

I've been petitioning for them to add a category for Living Theatrically in Normal Life

If I wanted to see a black guy make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again

Why, with a curtain five hours from now, it would take the greatest acting coach the world has ever seen to make his show a success. Fine, I'll do it!

After me. / No, Tracy. / No, stop it, not this part. / No, stop it. / Up. / We've got to start over. / I farted

Well Guards. Guard your well... well

Go out there and be yourself. Go on stage and read the damn phone book, for all I care!

I got a lot of flack After I ate the pig that played babe.

I had a very graphic dream about Kenneth

Liz, last night I had a very graphic dream about Kenneth. What? Ugh! I know. It's disgusting.

We had kids. What kind of sick mind dreams that? It was disgusting!

We have to Elm Street this

It's a summer camp that teaches pretty blonde girls how to be mean.

You're gonna be so out of place, Liz.

I'm doing a juice fast, and it's making me really grouchy. Aah!

Oh, you mean frozen water? I don't know.

This looks like the post-coital suite at the NBA All-Star game.

Juice fast delirium, Liz.

Jenna, there's a laser sight on your forehead. Oh, please. He's not gonna fire. For god's sakes, he's scared of his own mother! Aren't cha, alan?

Through a mutual fund. Friend, jenna. Oh, of course. Through a friend fund.

Oh, I work for a bank. -...Rupt circus. He works for a bankrupt circus.

Your judgmental badger face.

Thank God Terry's dead, or we'd be fighting over him again too.

Sometimes I sing too beautifully.

Why does your chest feel weird? Uh, because I love you so much.

He's gay. But not when he's drunk.

Meet me in the handicapped stall in 10 seconds.

I was, but I forgot my bag of hair.

It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.

Yeah. Let's go lez. No, I meant, like, a book club or something. Jeez.

You have a lot of taped-up balls To come here dressed like that.

Eye contact

It takes people and turns them into amounts of money

Except for Tracy, I'm the most person on the show!

You should fire Grace from wardrobe. She doesn't do anything

the last time I said that, I was in a three-way with two of the Backstreet Boys

I need you to get me something called vagitrax. It's for dry knees.

That's like saying a guy is cool because he has just a speedboat.

There's three things standing between you and winning: Your breasts and wanting it bad enough.

Oh, everybody born before Jesus is in hell, they went straight...

Just like Mickey Rourke did me to sexually.

I wish you weren't such a Houston foreclosure of a human being.

The bridge was supposed to be shuffle-ball-change, maxi Ford, Cincinnati, Cincinnati, double-time shim-sham-shimmy, toe punch.

Or my name isn't Yustrepa Gronkowitz. I mean, Jenna Maroney.

I was on stage in Pippin with Irene Ryan when she died, and I kept on going.

My Oprah wig is falling off!

It is nipple time!

My single is number four in Japan! Choke me, choke me, Blonde-like choke me

Ice cream. Hey, don't you want some ice cream?

If I want to see a 50-foot Spider-Man, I'll just go into my rec room, thank you.

Well, one of the camera guys just had a baby, and I'm sick of hearing about it. This will put me back on top!

'Jenny?' That's not my name! I don't want Wheelchair Jenny from Accounting getting credit for my cake!

We've had to sell off Sally, Julie, and Poppy. Are those some of your pigs? Yes.

She must have thought you meant credit card. How many cashiers are at that store? Two! This is fun!

It's been years since my mom and I used to pull slip-and-falls at supermarkets.

Anybody gets hurt during the score, we leave them behind to die.

$800 split three ways. Those ice cream saps will rue the day they ever tangled with... the Best Friends Gang!

Through seduction!

I hope you get into a car accident someday so I can have it.

Typical liberal media.

If they used any of the footage from my shoplifting arrest, that would be great because my arms looked fantastic.

I played arts and literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.

Kim Jong-il? I never heard of her.

You do know that Googling yourself means looking yourself up on the Internet. - I did not know that. That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day.

Oh, really? Well, so are you!

and three-time Tony... Shaloub sex partner

Jenna Maroney, dead at... 32.

That makes me a double hero! Try to deny me my obit now, you jags!

It's huge with all the young people. I mean... all the us.

Because before this was a clothing store, it was a mental hospital. It's winky and fun, Liz.

I swear to Kaballah monster.

Boy on the bottom, girl on the top.

I talked about your movie with my therapist last week for 20 hours.

It's called Jenna Gets Hard.

HOFPA? - Yeah. - That's the Golden Globes. The second-most-important awards in Hollywood... After the People's Choice Awards... Where the fans are in charge.

You're asking me?

Kenneth is our human Sushi platter

sister, can you spare a breast?

Just like I did to my niece when she tried to sing at our family's Christmas party.

Me, silly. I'm more aware of what I'm doing.

That movie gave me drunk-in-the-bathtub face.

Like waking up next to Rob Schneider furious.

Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's apple.

Wow, I would experiment with that girl. - Too small. - That's me for two weeks in college.

You probably said 'fortnight.'

I'm the hot blonde. And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome. And you're the R.A.

This is why I hated my first two weeks at the royal Tampa academy of dramatic tricks. No one knew who was the sluttiest. But I showed them. Oh, I showed them all. And when we graduated a week later...

Jenna and I are mirroring until we achieve touchless orgasm. / And... finished.

I might as well be working at a roller-skating drag-queen restaurant under Taliban rule!

And I will say yes when Paul proposes... that we make a sex tape and leak it on the Internet. / Oh. I thought you meant marriage.

God, no! Marriage is like death. You settle into a routine, you lose all the spark.

No, relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.

He said they live in a 'soo-borb'? / Suburb. Come on, Jenna.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that's the man's job.

Well, there's a sex resort in Japan where white people are treated like slaves.

Ever since Tracy got nominated for a Golden Globe, he thinks he's Sean Penn. Well, they have both had screaming fights with Wyclef Jean.

Also replicas of the David urinate vodka.

The party or Paul? The party, Liz.

I want to eat shrimp off an old gay dressed as baby new year.

You dress as Natalie Portman from the movie Black Swan, and I dress as former Pittsburgh Steelers Wide Receiver and Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Nominee Lynn Swann. We're two black swans.

It's just... I got a haircut, and you didn't even notice. Sorry, you get your hair cut every week. Excuse me? I don't like your tone.

I'm not the one who forgot our one-minute anniversary!

Oh, my nails are wet!

You should hang it on the wall. Careful! Don't coddle the boy. He can do it.

♪ help the people ♪ ♪ the thing that happened ♪ ♪ happened to ♪

Someone get a P.A. to feed me baby food, or I will drop a 'd' in the green room!

If you don't volumize my hair, I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!

That's nice. Actors deserve gifts. Without us, who would present awards to actors?

I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.

Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?

And she ordered us around like we were a couple of normals.

You are more talented than I.

You're ready, Mirror Jenna.

Hang on. Why do you have a cat? And a fanny pack? And your ponytail, it's being held up by a chip clip.

I have adopted this cat, named her Emily Dickinson... Oh, come on! Named her Emily Dickinson.

I am not gonna just sit and watch you plummet into spinsterhood. Why are you talking so fast? Because I'm upset! Also I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills.

They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway.

I like to do it with an NBA player, because it's fun wordplay and they're mean.

I didn't give up when Eric Roberts abandoned me in the desert, and I won't now. No judgment, Liz. Mr. Roberts thought I was dead.

I participated in hands across America.

I participated in hands across America.

Oh, way to go, Liz! Attagirl! Walk of shame! You bow-legged bitch!

Wonderful news, non-famouses.

My publicist just called from rehab.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

Take that, Courtney Thorne-Smith.

Computer, 'Jenna'!

This is Amelia Earhart. I'm almost across the Pacific... Oh, no. My period!

I'll now take questions. Oh, no. My period!

Let's nuke England!

Summer of '98, I took it to a whole new level.

There can't be two of us, Liz. She must be destroyed.

I'll start by spreading a destructive rumor about her like the famous one I made up about Jamie Lee Curtis. That she has two butts.

Well, that's understandable. I mean, 'Grossman' is a little bagel-y.

Oh. Children's book idea: Baby hooker. Don't tell Liz.

I was cut out of that.

I am a Christian illiterate, so that's not an option.

Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera and maybe also promote my new lifestyle web site: Jennas-side.com?

Jennas-side... Genocide. / I'm not hearing it, Liz.

Drunk actor brainstorm. I'm going to make Pete host an intervention for me.

Wait. You're seeing another psychic?

And I can't back out now otherwise they can't use any of this.

I explained to Charles that I was just pretending to be an alcoholic to get on camera. And we laughed. And he said I can drink as much as I want

This is Asian JennaBaby. Excuse me, G.I., do you miss your girlfriend? I'm good at math. So it's not offensive.

Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking.

It's called 'Take My Hand.' It's kind of an artsy character study about a young woman who has a lot of holes drilled into her head by a deranged veterinarian named Slaughterface.

Exactly. In fact, the producers of this movie rented 'Saw' and watched it.

On an unrelated matter, does anyone know where I can get intimate bleaching done in Stamford, Connecticut?

But there's a positive message at the end of it. 'If you're a woman in Connecticut, Slaughterface will kill you.'

Jack, can we talk, one ten to another? I'm an eleven, but continue.

I met that soccer ball once at a no-hands-allowed sex party.

Okay, we just need to hire some of those ugly people who have the paper and change the shapes on it.

Writers? No. We'll do the work ourselves. Meet me in my dressing room. I'll get a computer from one of the ugly people. And I'll bring the world's greatest encyclopedia, my mind.

Of course. Elegant. Should 'Vaginatorium' be capitalized?

Merry Christmas! I practice abstinence! Connecticut!

Vote? For what? Isn't this supposed to be a movie? Again, it doesn't matter. People will just do it, and we get 99 cents a text.

I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!

If this turkey goes 100 episodes, I'll have your baby.

The only thing I want latched to my funbags are celebrity DJs.

'Who wore it best?' I did. I wore it best.

I'm in my 40s, very difficult, and not that good at playing La Realite.

Right now, it's between 'Frisbeeface' and 'Glock,' gender irrelevant.

It's not rape if neither party really wants it.

I borrowed your whale semen candle. It didn't work, by the way.

All pregnancies are hysterical. They're started by penises.

I'm not gonna be held back by some uterus turd.

That wasn't me. There used to be another guy. I don't think so.

I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!

If this turkey goes 100 episodes, I'll have your baby

Wait, I saw that. How? Am I dead?

Who wore it best? I did. I wore it best.

I'm in my 40s, very difficult, and not that good at playing 'la realitee'

Who will grow up to be a little gay fancy man

Right now it's between 'Frisbee-face,' and 'Glok-Gender-Irrelevant'

Right now it's between 'Frisbee-face,' and 'Glok-Gender-Irrelevant.'

You saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.

Well, I've taken Action. It dries your mouth out, but the sex is amazing.

Do you have access to horse semen?

If you say no, I'll drown myself.

You can't spell 'America' Without w-o-o-I

Paul and I can finally buy that time-share in Betasten Bos, Amsterdam's premier private sex garden.

There have genetically-altered men there with minotaur heads that chase you through the brambles.

I was the face of Clinique, a French-Canadian anal-rejuvenation clinic

and I was the feet of FilthyLittleFeet.Com

Paul is a gender-dysmorphic bigenitalian pansexualle

love, warmth, chafed skin

Jason, have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert Gottfried's neck? Because I have, and his screams were the worst thing I'd ever heard. Until tonight.

Also, Jason, if you think you're passing for straight, you're embarrassing yourself.

When you Google 'Jenna Maroney' now, I come up first. Not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.

Even if you could sing, with that face it would be like eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster. I've done that.

Go jump back up your mother.

Even if you could sing, with that face it would be like eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster. I've done that.

So whoever you are, show me Jack's penis.

That's what Paul and I do to maintain intimacy when he's having his period.

Because I will not go back to putting hair extensions on dogs.

Liz Lemon is a crack whore. Probably not, but continue.

Are you sure it was Liz Lemon and not present day Sally Field?

Her wrist was starting to bother her from slapping busboys.

Her wrist was starting to bother her from slapping busboys.

Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing, because I'm just hearing about it.

I just found out this morning, Teri Polo and Ving Rhames called me at home.

Especially now that I'm officially a 'B-list' celebrity, thanks to America's kids got singing.

who in return thinks of you as sort of an albino slave-monkey.

Kenneth, do this for me, someone I hope you consider a friend, and who in return thinks of you as sort of an albino slave-monkey. Aw, you think of me?

I guess someone's never been locked in a dog crate and thrown overboard for displeasing the sheikh.

Picking a lock is like riding a bike. They're both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons' equipment room.

They're the same lights poultry farms use to keep the birds from pecking each other to death.

Kenneth. I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector. 'It's gonna be okay, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser. Then we can keep recording my album.'

I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector. 'It's gonna be okay, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser. Then we can keep recording my album.'

Kenneth. I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector. 'It's gonna be okay, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser. Then we can keep recording my album.'

Pete! It's Jenna! The woman you're in love with!

'Maroney found in closet with unconscious married man and inbred virgin.' Again? No way. I have too much to lose now.

Vaginal mesh. Nice try, prolapse.

Did you hear about how my fecalist murdered my kabbalist?

What are those? Leeches. They're good for your skin, and I've lost tons of blood weight.

You? Famous? That's hilarious.

Plus, it makes P.E.T.A. furious, and if P.E.T.A. doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody, like a soldier, or a teacher.

And not the fun kind where you dance while U.S.C. football recruits throw hot coins at you.

Would you like a chance to be famous, Liz? Naturally. Always.

we became friends because I felt bad for you, standing alone at that party like a loser.

'Cause guess what? The back of your neck does look weird. Why would you say that? You know I can't see it.

You see? Charlie from Charlie bit my finger and Knob Kardashian just texted me. They're my new besties.

I'd like to bite his finger. Charlie.

I need someone who has so little going on in their life, she lets me get all the attention.

Getting paid to help a boy become a man is kind of my wheelhouse

Yes, many of our viewers are obese

Don't you represent Gina Gershon? My Nemesis? My Nemesis?

We make other people wait. Forcing people to wait, throwing things, making crazy demands and never being satisfied

A Jewish star

Like all actors, I'm not emotionally mature enough to deal with my feelings, you fart-face

You're rich. And you're fat, so you'll die young. Women love that

His wife's name is don't. What's the guy's name on first base? Know what died in Vietnam

Sorry to crash this sausage party... / Unnecessary.

Sebastian, the producer of America's kidz got singing, OD'd last night in Guy Fieri's apartment.

No, Paul's been performing on a transvestite cruise for the last month. It's called 'Caribbean queens' for emphasize 'No more love on the run'.

Billy Ocean is furious, and very litigious. But he's powerless as long as they stay in international waters.

We'll take a pube count, but it doesn't feel worth it.

It's not some rinky-dink late night show that a bald idiot produces.

if tonight isn't a huge 'jiumph', which is short for 'Jenna triumph'

I attacked Nancy Kerrigan.

It's in my contract that I only play blondes, non-Irish redheads, or bald sex robots.

And if you take it away from me, I will kill myself. And then you.

Looser skin, same underwear.

I'm wearing an edible nightgown. It's breadstick flavor and it comes with a dipping sauce.

Like, Mr. Brady and tiger the dog?

It's a whole new fetish called... Normalling.

So last night, I napped on you and you liked it, you sick bitch.

And I put that Afghan all over you because I thought your feet might get chilly.

We go out as a couple to bed, bath and beyond and shop for home necessities. In front of everybody.

How many times have you climaxed? Zero. Me too.

This morning, Paul and I signed up for zipcar. Now it's easier to get to Costco to stock up on cereal.

discuss whether the chair would be better... Over by the window where there's more light?

Sexual walkabout.

8 million people in this crazy, beautiful city, and I, Jenna Maroney, am going to go to town on every last one of them.

I don't know a lot about business, but he did an Internet and now the computers like him and Wall Street is Google.

Liz, I'm on a sexual walkabout right now.

You know, the one that crosses so slowly across the road and then you swerve to make sure you hit it and then a car coming the other way swerves to avoid you and goes off a cliff. And then that night you and your companion have the greatest sex of your lives because you're both sharing a secret.

Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

It looks like we've got a slut-off on our hands.

Click click. That's their stilettos. Click click.

Mine was called goodlooking. I played Alexis goodlooking who was also good-looking, and my special ability was being good at looking for clues.

I should tell my husband I'm gonna be late tonight. No, wait, I can't. He's dead.

You're gonna hang out with Pete every night this week. Why would we do that? 'Cause we have you dead to rights, you black bastard!

Now, of course, none of these little condom accidents could actually make me cry

It's an old acting trick I learned from Glenn Beck's prostitute.

Cashing your dead aunt's social security checks? No, I'm still doing that.

the calumet city egg donation center and house of blues

Hang on, are you saying you have a kid? No, I don't. I have six kids.

Left, left, right, right, left... Judy.

If you want to get to know me, read my 2006 interview in AmTrak magazine.

and you guys are suckling on prosthetic dog teats that I'm wearing.

That's Hugh Hefner, Jessica. Yeah, we have no idea who that is, so you're kind of just proving our point.

They threw me away like I was some kind of Judy.

Wake up, mother-. / Die, demon! / Why didn't you ever call me back?

On television, and when it comes to the assisted suicide debate

Secret handshake, my baloney

Oh, Michael Jackson's ghost... / Oh, Great Kabbalah monster...

Oh, my God! They said my name first

I'll replace your lizard with a gay guy in a giant champagne bottle

The only baloney Tracy has is the baloney he's full of

It's like sex, but your husband isn't looking at a picture of a bridge

Why, because you both have had huge weight fluctuations?

I want you to hire a giant to stand in the background Of every scene I'm in to make me look daintier.

It's why lamar odom married that giant kardashian girl.

I played italian party whore in the amanda knox story.

I own a magnet that can scramble her pacemaker.

just because my college Got tipped over by those miami heat fans.

Would a dumb person be able to think of something amazing To say as she leaves?

When I went to the bathroom on the hood of your car Before I thought of this plan?

I have a female condom to take out. Unless... Going once...

I need to thank my co-writers, gary greasy And jesus, a homeless man I stole the melody from.

Weird al corrupted something beautiful That was written to distract gary greasy While he came down from meth.

I turned down intercourse with harvey weinstein On no less than three occasions...Out of five.

What do you think phil collins Was trying to do with sussudio? Which weird al famously parodied soup soupy-o.

There's nothing you can change pizza to. Because it's already weird.

♪ I eat pizza, I eat cheese ♪ ♪ I eat lots of broccolis ♪ ♪ fart so loud, fart so loud ♪ ♪ yum-yums make me fart so loud ♪

Yankovic! He reversed the parody. He normal al'd us.

You know he was stationed at pearl harbor? During the korean war?

You never say that name in the theater. It is curs-ed.

I was trained in stage acting and game show pointing at the Royal Tampa Academy of dramatic tricks

Where I studied theater superstition, under Professor Duane 'Crawfish' Kenny

Do you know how many mirrors I've smashed just thinking it was a blonde woman mocking me?

Like Lady McCheese, I will 'screw my courage to the sticking McNugget.'

like I need another curse. Too busty.

you made the same mistake Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran

You made the same mistake Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran.

When I used to live with Liz, I would videotape her sleeping and sell it to Japanese businessmen

I filled it out last night after mixing alcohol with prescription... exhaustion.

I was shooting blow darts at Maggie Gyllenhaal from a heating vent.

He's directing a live-action Smurfs sequel, so I went to Times Square, did cartwheels like he asked...

This isn't body paint. It's a spray they use to kill geese at airports.

Who even remembers 2007?

I want to be famous to make people love me because I hate myself. The Jenna I talk to at night in the mirror thinks I should kill myself. Also, I caused that Italian cruise ship to crash.

Thanks to you guys, I'm the fourth worst.

Like Yoko Ono and the Beatles, or Lance Drake Mandrell and Wilson Phillips.

They sold out Madison square garden in nine minutes, for a Tuesday morning show. Wait, who plays on a Tuesday morning?

I don't know, just a little band called the Woggels. ♪ apples are red ♪ ♪ bananas are yellow ♪ ♪ I love my friends, bananas are yellow ♪

Well, it ticks off a lot of boxes on my sexual walkabout list. 'Yoko a band, make love to a beloved children's entertainer, be with a non-aboriginal Australian--'

Maybe Raffi. Or the sedated prisoner they put inside of Barney.

And this is coming from someone Quincy Jones once pushed off a boat.

It doesn't matter what this brain thinks. It matters what this brain thinks.

No, you don't know what you're talking about. Paul isn't gonna-- I mean, Russ. Paul is American for Russ.

Oh, God. He's dressed like her. I'm too late. I've been replaced.

I was busy burning down the panda express that I had fallen in love with.

Something I wish I'd known before I released my sex tape with the six flags guy.

"Da-mi", "de-mi", Heather, Lindsay, Britney, Muammar... so sad. A life cut short.

So sad. A life cut short. He gave the best diamonds.

Justin and K-fed, Bruce and Ashton, Samantha Ronson and Herbie the Lovebug.

Dhanalakshmi, I'm happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but I just gotta say, Gurubarath Kurrupuswami spelled one of the toughest words of all time!

Me running through that window.

I can see that you're on a skateboard, David. This is why we broke up, Jenna.

An important me-nouncement.

You didn't let me finish. S.

I've been working on my reaction since I was 3. Aaah!

Thank you. Just portion control and exercise.

according to Roe v. Dwyane Wade, I have a right to choose.

No, no, a million times no. Not like this. I was wrong. You were right.

Contractually, I can only hold beautiful black babies in Benetton ads

Now you sound like the cops outside of Jackie o's funeral. But I got in there and sang almost all of hey big spender

thank you for looking up on Wikipedia that I was conceived on a toilet

If a beautiful woman cries and no one hears it, did she waste $700 on crying lessons at Adrian Brody's unaccredited acting school?

Do you act? Because we should do a movie together where we're on a road trip just being sluts

You have no class, you prostitution whore

Like when I sang at that children's hospital. Get away from me, I'm revoking my waiver. Now blur my face. Blur it more. More. Now disguise my voice

Which is great 'cause our wedding was gonna be slavery-themed anyway.

Of course I am. I have a natural Southern accent, 'cause I'm from le flori-dah pahn-hahndle.

I've been writing a sex column for Cosmo. Cosmo is my 14-year-old neighbor. He doesn't know anything.

Sex, money, power, fire, choking, being dragged behind a speed boat... It's all the same thing.

And I try to get him pregnant.

And the best part is, if I want to treat myself to a new pair of Christy LaButtons, I don't have to ask any man for $17.

I got tired of ruining $1,200 shoes trying to impregnate my boyfriend.

Feminism promised us two things... Fatter dolls, and an end to traditional gender roles.

You wear the pants, Liz. You don't necessarily pull them off because of your hips, but you wear them.

Dadgum possum up and what been bit my mother's neck brace.

Them puppets done picked the wrong day to cross my kin! It's on, panhandle style!

My outside is shiny and pretty, but my inside is filled with cardboard and horse glue.

And I know a little bit about suffering because I work out... A lot!

I'd admire you if you weren't brunette.

I'm a natural blonde. / That's insane!

Stop looking at my ass. / Stop pointing your ass at my eyeballs.

Also, I hear Pippa Middleton couldn't come today because Avery was borrowing her ass.

I played Avery Jessup in 'Kidnapped by danger,' now available on Sega Genesis.

The doves I ordered for the wedding came, and they're all dead! One of them touched my tongue!

Oh, I'm fine, Liz. The doves were just a drill. Everyone needs to be on their toes for my wedding year.

Wait, if that was a drill, did you kill those doves? No, I bought them at the dead-dove store. Grow up, Liz.

I prefer soul-sucking monster.

Beyoncé, J. Lo, Natalie Portman, whose real last name is Hershlag, by the way. Okay, that's not relevant. I just think people should know.

Paz de la Huerta, the former Mrs. Jon Cryer, Honey Boo Boo's mom.

But you're my oldest friend. And, also, I've known you for a long time.

Make sure you have a stripper there from every race. Stan looking for Indian now. It's a tough booking.

Zoltan is an 18-year-old German shepherd who cannot walk. So, you're gonna be in charge of him. No, Jenna, I'm allergic to dogs. Oh, don't worry. He's hairless because of his insanity medication.

The cake is a tasteless foam. There's no cake?

Ooh, I smell Italian guys.

Because you're not famous! You think I want someone up there with me that other people are looking at? I wanted you because you're nothing!

I get it. You didn't want to get Pippa Middleton-ed. Why would you even mention her?!

And what if she came in in a wheelchair and then stood up and everyone applauded and cried?

This is my first royalty check for my summer dance jam, 'Balls.' ♪ Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls ♪

you look like someone's been slowly poisoning Sally Field.

Read it and weep, you mouth breathing, vag repellers.

The FBI blamed it for a spike in summer sex crimes.

Thanks to Al Gore's stupid Internet, people can just get music for free.

♪ Despite my beautiful singing voice ♪ ♪ and my amazing songwriting... ♪

I am having an actress side project crisis. So I'm not interested in whatever this is and whatever it thinks it's wearing.

If you're only in New York for a few days, find a way to see Amar'e Stoudemire's penis. It's worth it.

I'll have my Jews on you so fast, you'll think you're an Asian girl.

Ron, that was terrible. I'm going to be constructive here. You should kill yourself.

I think I just got an idea for a song. It's called 'rum-soaked tampon.'

♪ hey, girl ♪ ♪ me and you ♪ ♪ hey, baby ♪ ♪ this is just more proof ♪ ♪ that I am an amazing singer ♪

♪ does this song make you wanna do it? you're welcome ♪

♪ I just want to lick your face, eeh... ♪

Jenna Maroney, looking great at... 56? Blarf!

God, no... I have children!

You be the janitor, and I'll be the piece of gum on the floor that you just can't chisel off. Sure is hot in here. Maybe I should roll up my pants. Oh, yeah. Show me that part of your shins that's hairless from your synthetic socks.

I watch Castle, and my purse is filled with sweet'n lows.

If I find out that someone around here planted this disgusting story that I'm young, I'm gonna do to them what I did to my own ribs... Take them out.

To escape the curse of the middle-aged actress. Instead of losing a push-up contest to Julie Bowen to see who gets to play Kevin James's mean wife who he's sick of having sex with, I'm gonna skip ahead to being an amazing slut who wins Oscars.

I mean, how hot is Helen Mirren? Super-hot. I mean, have you seen that picture of her in a bikini? She looks amazing for... Exactly... 'For.' She looks amazing for a 67-year-old. She's actually not that hot. She's got a gut and British legs.

Well, that was Gerald Chair, the inventor of the Geri-Chair. They're leaning towards Jamie Lee Curtis. She already beat me out for Activia, and cold flash menopause popsicles.

Today's the day when I'm gonna do my first favor ever.

Doctor, I'm unhappy with me widdle body. Can you help me?

'Tank' you, doctor. Don't thank me, thank Roe V. Wade.

Sometimes, I like to come up here at night and flash my breasts at the empire state building.

I mean, inside, I still feel like a sex idiot. But I have to accept the fact that I'm fake 56 now, and I'm more of a Diane Lane ageless beauty.

Do you really want this girl asking you to go hear her friend DJ in Brooklyn? No, that sounds exhausting. Do you want to drive five hours to go rock climbing with her, and be expected to have sex after? I do not. I mean, my back.

You get to say racist stuff whenever you want, and people bring you soup.

Why couldn't she have died when that rabid dog bit her? It wasn't rabid. I just said that so they'd have to put it down, and then I'd be the star of that dog-food commercial.

I'm lying. The claws hold your cigarette while you uncork a 'brew-skye.'

'Uncork a brew-skye'? Yeah, you know. Ka-zap. Blinky, blinky, blinky, blinky. Those aren't even the right noises.

You're maybe the most high-maintenance bitch in Hollywood. Maybe? Who's more? Who is she?

You medical office before-pictures.

No, it's different from every other camera in the world.

You look like a condom that's been dropped on the floor of a barbershop.

All that counts is what's inside... Your blender.

You... virgins, have no idea who you're messing with.

Because that's our capital.

Just as soon as it's cool for them to drive.

Or I will drop a 'D' in the greenroom.

You're not right for it. What thing? I was born for it!

Am I not blonde enough? Because I'll put my head in the microwave!

Jacksonville's naming their new airport, Sized strip club after me. No bottoms!

Because there's no 'I' or 'me' in 'America.' There's both.

Someone who respects the human fetus and recognizes its value as a hair volumizer.

Like debate? Like DeBarge? I love DeBarge!

Welcome to the first and only debate of the Jenna-ral election.

Insincere!

a woman 'People' magazine once called 'an unnamed friend of the deceased'.

Ooh, and how do they tell me their decisions? Do I get shocked whenever I do the wrong thing?

Screw you, Dona-one-d Estaluj. I don't need Viagra! You need Viagra!

I want to send Estaluj a picture, but it's too dark inside my pants.

It's just kids' bike shorts for fatties!

Why don't you make like a woman driver and get lost?

I take in 50 calories a day and I'm using them all up just trying to help you.

For a million points, he got me! Surge! Suck it down!

My boyfriend was supposed to pick me up after that shoot, so I called him, and I was like, 'O.J., where are you?' And he was like, 'Wait, you're alive? Then who did I kill?'

I'm moving to Arizona to be with my new slave master Terry to live in a birdcage he built.

How could you do this to me? - Flurb?

Reverend Gimp

Timberbiel, Beyon-Z, Anne Hatha-nobody

I was on a list to date Tom Cruise, but I bailed before I got sucked in too deep, praise Xenu!

My whole life is thunder!

Next you'll tell me Mickey Rourke catapulted you into the Hollywood sign!

Chuck Scarborough is anatomically a woman? So I am a lesbian.

Oh, Liz, you had me at 'Hayden Panettiere is dead'!

Without me, you'd still be behind that light board in Chicago turning bags of Sour Patch Kids inside out to lick them clean! - I got my money's worth!

Well, joke's on you because that wasn't a commercial. I don't know what it was!

Thank you. Visit my website for extras and ringtones.

Also, you need to tell your Aunt Mary, when she was two, there was an accident with a hot corn.

The pill that lets me feel emotion is gonna wear off soon.

The pill that lets me feel emotion is gonna wear off soon.

you're married to a guy that I think about during sex.

Pill wearing off. You have mom arms.

Pill wearing off. You have mom arms.

I promise to always pour antibiotics all over your penis before you staple it to anything.

Let's destroy her.

I saw him pack a wig.

- Wassername! - What's her name?

Maybe that tall Asian one. Yeah, Miranda. Her hair is so thick and black.

Want to see a porno my cousin is in?

I'm just trying to lick it off.

Last night at a party, we urinated into the same fountain during a lightning storm. And I think we switched brains.

I'm glad the band U2 is doing press all day.

But we don't need two roles if we play siamese twins! One is the president. The other's Santa Claus. And they're both in love with the same woman... Elvira!

No way! So it is possible. Yeah, I saw it on Maury.

"I will tell the other gays your real ages!"

"I will stop being an actress when the Earth stops spinning on Kabbalah monster's fingernail."

"Good-bye forever, you factory reject dildos."

"My foot hurts, but I'm okay."

"I think this injury has given me crime-solving powers. It's Mind beauty."

"Good-bye forever, you soup line at a gay homeless shelter."

"You Eastern European knockoff Mr. Potato heads."

Shut it down. I will return to my first love... Broadway!

"Did you pin her up against the wall? Were your shirts wet with rain?"

Did you pin her up against the wall? Were your shirts wet with rain?

"She did want me to cancel Top Chef because Colicchio's lunch place changed the toppings on her favorite salad."

"I frenched her dad on new year's."

"Daddy, please stop crying."

"Okay, I can't do this anymore. I've never met Mickey Rourke."

On behalf of the network, Ms. Maroney, I think you should sing at the end of the show tonight. / Wonderful! I'll need ten pianos.

"To act drunk, you just wear two different-sized heels."

"And to cry, you just clutch a shard of broken glass."

"See ya later, suckers! Meep-meep! Pyung!"

I will tell the other gays your real ages!

I will stop being an actress when the earth stops spinning on Kabbalah monster's fingernail.

Good-bye forever, you factory reject dildos.

My foot hurts, but I'm okay. I think this injury has given me crime-solving powers. It's law & order: Mind beauty.

I am going to the city of angels, a veterinary hospital where I get dog sedatives that help me relax when I fly.

Good-bye forever, you soup line at a gay homeless shelter.

You eastern European knockoff Mr. Potato heads.

Did you pin her up against the wall? Were your shirts wet with rain?

When Conan dumped her, she dropped him forever. - Hey, Liz. - Come on, you can't pretend I don't exist. We dated for a year! We were gonna lose our virginity to each other! Now I'll never lose it!

I'm afraid to even tell her that I frenched her dad on new year's.

I've never met Mickey Rourke.

♪ I will never forget you ♪ ♪ rural juror ♪ What? What is that face?

To cry, you just clutch a shard of broken glass.

At the end of act two, my character, constance justice, sings the title song. It's a tearful good-bye to her true love, Norman Blurder, the rural juror.