Goodbye, My Friend

Love, peace, and hair grease!

that bar where the waiters are dressed like ninjas

Donuts and then bed. What are you depressed about or celebrating?

How could you cut 'Diaper Chicken'?

My ankle! Oh, 'Imaginary injury.' I would have said 'death of a voice coach.'

don't you have some gallery opening or a fundraiser to give bow ties to inner city youths?

I just need somewhere I can socialize where women aren't an issue.

I know how to check your voice mail. You are officially a 'D-bag', Tim. I hope you lose your indoor soccer game.

Should you be working the night shift alone like this? It's fine. They gave me a gun.

You want a dozen donuts to stay?

Making a new friend. I don't like that you have crazy-eyes. Oh, shut up, mouth.

What do your dads tell their friends you do? Surgeon. Optometrist. Died. I never really knew my dad, so... I just lie to myself. Space assassin.

Last time I saw my dad, he went out to get the candles for my fourth birthday lasagna... and never came back.

In Sicilian dialect, it means 'well poisoner.' In Gaelic, Donaghy means 'dung basket.'

His contract is up, and I don't want to feel sorry for him.

Meanwhile, his MyFace page - horny.

When I was your age, you could just be like, 'Oh, he probably tried to call me, but my line was busy.' And then just... watch Falcon Crest and cry yourself to sleep.

They all just seemed really old and weird. Not one of them even knew who Ne-Yo is.

Finally! Thank you! Somebody cool, for once.

Goodbye, my friend. He had to be mean to save him. Harry belonged in the woods.

Maybe that's why we're drawn to movies where the father figure pushes away the child/legendary North American forest ape.

I don't have a birth certificate because I was born inside of Yankee Stadium.

And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.

This morning it hit me in the shower why the Hendersons named their guest 'Harry.'

We both have recurring dreams about being overpowered by a female bodybuilder.

Make your father hate any new children he might have.

fake vomit on it. Right. Fake.

Oh, God. Please don't be a daughter I didn't know about.

So, do you want me to start Youth Consulting now? Because kids would not be into that.

My heart goes out to all the inner city kids. Especially those too fat to dance their way out.

Look at Biz Markie or The Doors.

And when my caveman brain saw those babies... with their little Hornberger foreheads... it clicked.

My pregnant teen message board says the baby gets all its food from the mother. So, you have to give it stuff it likes.

I'm going to post a reply to Juno 32 and tell her she's a giant ass wipe.

You already dress like a mom.

What a schmo, entering first. Now, I'm the headliner, and he's just the warm-up act. I'm Mr. Don Rickles and he's just me.

Did you know that if you sing 'Happy Birthday' on a TV show, you have to pay for it?

No one ask me about my back brace.

I also would have accepted, 'You can't prove that's the governor's semen.'

And who knows when February 24th will come again?

Someday, you'll have an ad on the subway in English and Spanish.

For the mob! Frankie's father didn't abandon him. He's in hiding in Phoenix.

You want me to paint you a picture? Because I did. It's part of a therapy through painting thing.

Don't even ask about the wheelchair.

There was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or Sasquatch, who, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend.

Is that Harry and the Hendersons? You've seen it? This is my life, Jack.

I wished for you to get better. I was going to wish for breakfast in bed with RoboCop while that elephant paints us.

But who would I celebrate with if y'all were in a car accident?

Ugh! Fine, Lithgow! I'll do the right thing. God! I guess someone's been watching The World According to Garp.

Do you know how many people want what just got dropped in your lap? 'Oh, now is not a good time. I want to go to Burning Man.' Shut up, Tim!

And get married and have disposable cameras at the wedding because it's fun and people like it.

Get out of here! Can't you see we don't want you anymore? Go to the writers' room! There is no scholarship!

Get out of here! Can't you see we don't want you anymore?

Goodbye, my friend.

My God. Look at your boobs.

I guess, in a way... we both... lost children today. Yeah, but mine was real, Jack. Yours was Frank.

Can someone please tell me how to get out of this building? It's like a maze! I keep walking past the same... Sbarro's!

It's like a maze! I keep walking past the same... Sbarro's!

I'm a celebrity! Please!