J.D. Lutz

I'd marry Toofer 'cause he's classy. I'd kill Lutz. Sorry, Lutz. The thought that you would do anything to me is awesome.

Ay, pero ay Dios mio!

Please don't make me move back to Alaska, Liz. I hate it there.

I should've just gotten a vasectomy! Let me explain.

Aw, you got a face like a baby's bottom. Poop!

I am from Hamburg, ja!

This is from american eagle!

Since my surgery, I have to eat slowly or my insides might explode.

Give me it! It's like knives!

Where's my sandwich?! Lutz made us do it! No, it was Frank. No, it was you! I'm a patsy?

And I can't have booze because I'm on antibiotics after having some skanky club sex. He's on antibiotics because he lost his lucky penny and assumed it fell in his ear again.

Your surgery was for an undescended testicle. Wrong again. It was for two undescended testicles.

My dad had diabetes and he ate whatever he wanted until he died on the day I was born.

Because he's mine.

And when my caveman brain saw those babies... with their little Hornberger foreheads... it clicked.

I can't go back to teaching high school math. Those girls pretend they're not women yet, But they are.

I realize I'm never getting married Because of my gland thing... But I wanna have a bachelor party.

[crying] I don't wanna be here! I don't like it here! Who's this guy?

God,are you doing this to me 'cause I took that blind guy's hot dog?

'ey, fuhgeddaboutit

have you ever wondered what happens In the refrigerator after the light goes off? Does the milk say, 'let's go down to the crisper drawer And make trouble'? I don't know. fuhgeddaboutit

I don't know. fuhgeddaboutit

What? No, it's me, lutz. I've worked here for three years. I gave you that car i won.

We'd have a room dog named Meatus.

Too much pressure. Writers who never talk, Anyone want a promotion?

Is it me, or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?

Subway. / I hope you die!

Maybe because one of us still hasn't read the other's screenplay. / I read it. I just didn't like it.

Because it's my birthday. And thanks for remembering. I'm 45. It's kind of a big deal.

Who orders food from a gas station? / The Shell by me has good hot dogs.

Truffle shuffle! Truffle shuffle!

Would a fake woman have a personal website at JDLutz.com/karen/proof?

Like, what if we trick him into kissing me? It'd be so funny because I'm not gay.

This is the most friends I've ever had

So much of my life Have I wasted putting things on hats!

I'm keeping my hat on. I don't care, man.

Yeah. You know who's fun at parties? Paris Hilton, Andy Dick, Tracy, and they're all gonna burn in hell.

You know who's fun at parties? Paris Hilton, Andy Dick, Tracy, and they're all gonna burn in hell.

What? Thanks a lot, lutz.

I'm cutting that fat cracker's head off. I'm part eskimo. Hate crime!

I'm the hot blonde. And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome. And you're the R.A.

Oh, God, Lutz, why? What? I don't want tush lines.

It's like a reality show where you guys get to compete for a seat in my car by proving how much you like me

Mmm! I don't really have a car

It's all like it was before!

It's all like it was before!

Star jump! I found the chrysalis!

West ham drew nil-nil at wolves?

I don't know. But I hope they didn't collect $200.

I'm going back to the job I had in Holland... police psychic. A Dutch TV show is based on me.

Just like 'Lean on Me,' in that a guy who looks like Morgan Freeman swung a bat at me.

In the TV show, you bang me in a tulip field under credits.

I visited my rescue chimp for his birthday last week, and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off. He played with it, and then he kissed it, and then he ate it.

I visited my rescue chimp for his birthday last week, and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off. He played with it, and then he kissed it, and then he ate it.

I visited my rescue chimp for his birthday last week, and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off. He played with it, and then he kissed it, and then he ate it.

He's just like us. He's no better than I am. He's just got a suit.

He looks scared, like Lutz on an escalator. Twinsies!

We wanted booze, but we didn't wanna hang out with Pete. It's the worst! He always brings out his guitar and sings. He's got one story, and it's about him seeing Phil Donahue at a mall.

And you would presume to wield the scepter of Thalbain?

for the colorful glass beads that you keep buying for some reason. / I'm going to wear them to the pirates' ball

I am a virgin... with white guys

That girl at Starbucks smiles at everybody, Lutz. Everybody! She doesn't want you to kiss her.

Kellan Lutz isn't my son. He's my grandnephew and we're very close.

Kellan Lutz isn't my son. He's my grandnephew and we're very close.

Oh, I had a lobster role and two yogurts.

No. / Blimpie's. / No! / Come on, Lutz!

"I'm five steps ahead of you, you sons of bitches!"

"Because for seven years, you have yelled at me and turned the lights out on me when I was in the bathroom and written on me while I was sleeping"

"And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week, look at it, because that is Lutz's revenge!"

I wrote it on flypaper. I'm five steps ahead of you, you sons of bitches!

You changed your name to 'aardvark'? That's insane! - Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Blimpie's.

Because for seven years, you have yelled at me and turned the lights out on me when I was in the bathroom and written on me while I was sleeping, 'cause I was Lutz... Dumb, old, uncool, part-inuit, bisexual, 51-year-old Lutz!