Señor Macho Solo

'Hey, Max! Is this your baby sister? What a cute, little girl!'

'Or boy, if you grow up and feel that's what's inside you'

'O-M-G-, Liz. Look at you and me and our biological clocks'

'You're going baby crazy and I keep getting turned on by car accidents'

'It isn't stealing if it fell on the ground'

'When she's in a foul mood, it can be horribly unpleasant. But, at other times, she is asleep'

'Do you know what kind of clothes old Puerto Rican ladies wear around the house? No. Me neither, because she never wore any'

'Jack?! Somebody's got to dry me off!'

'Well, you bought three hours of network prime time for your salute to Benny Hill'

'I have to spend it all on useless things, like gold shoes and Grizz and Dotcom'

'When Angie and I got married, my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young M.C. concert'

'I'll bring Angie in. But I'm going to tell her this is all your idea'

'Don't help me! I'm too proud'

'I had to do something to get your attention'

'Howdy, Jack! It's me, Janis Joplin! And I want to audition for my Sheinhardt-Universal biopic so bad that I came here dressed as me. Well, actually... I am me. So... Well, I dressed normal'

'It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile guidance system we sell'

'Whoa! What is that iron bird? They had airplanes in the '60s, Jenna. Oh, right'

'It must be like working in the Galactic Senate in Star Wars'

'We are also very concerned about the growing influence of the Sith Lords'

'Only insofar as we met because I touched his head thinking he was a child'

'Like order a tall coffee or talk about my Nintendo Wii'

'Take a lesson from Janis and show some self-control. How far into that biography are you? Not very. Why? What happens?'

'Or any female of equivalent thickness'

'I'm going to watch you die, Tracy Jordan'

'She's done it before, Jack'

'Nice dress. Are you going to dinner? Don't forget your book'

'Under the bridge'

'The U.N.? They still have that? I could have sworn they turned that building into a Barnes and Noble'

'Have you learned how to say Do you want fries with that in Chinese?'

'Senior V.P. for Television and Microwave Oven Programming'

'U.N. High Commission on Water Temperature and Food Taint'

'Yeah, you know me. Spend my lunch hour walking up and down Sixth Avenue... looking for a hot meal'

'Classic Lemon man-eater. Cat sound'

'When I'm on my death bed, Frenching my wife, I will think of you'

'Julia Roberts has agreed to play the tragic singer... Billy in a film directed by Martin Scorsese and written by the best screenwriter in the world. Whoever that is'

'She fought me at first. But I find that authoritative, rapid Spanish subdues white people'

'My nephew just joined the Marines to try to pay for college, but... that's fun'

'Without getting into specifics, my exit involves a McFlurry machine and a videotape of risqué commercials from overseas'

'Except that in Puerto Rico, a McFlurry is called a Señor Flurry'

'Are you trying to pick me up to keep me from touching fire?'

'Kofi said you were too good to be true. Not ah told me to wait three days before I called you'

'Instead of, uh... any of it... she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes'

'I have something on my ball'

I have something on my ball.

'I didn't know Michael Bublé had that many albums'

'You forgot to put on your underpants'

'You should work for The Huffington Post'

'Don't try to be Señor Macho Solo'

'Which is actually what we call a McRib sandwich'

Which is actually what we call a 'McRib' sandwich.

'Why? Do you want to get married? I'll do it'

'Yes, I'm talking. Uh, no, we do not have the music'

'Socially inept and baby crazy. I feel like I'm in a beer commercial'

Socially inept and baby crazy. I feel like I'm in a beer commercial.

'Once again, Liz, I am an adult man'

'Because I'd like-a to make-a the prank phone call'

'I brought a '65 Moët and some Pizza-Blasted Pringles'

Oh. You were not being rude. You were just being stupid.

'Why are they smiling so much? Who's being ostracized?'

'A Blaffair to Rememblack'

'Surround yourself with people and love and babies with pierced ears'

'It's exactly like a snow-cone, except they call it a piragua'

'The test results were negative. Oh, I see your confusion! That is funny!'

'Once again, I apologize that our regular warm-up comic O.D.'d at a gay man's apartment this morning'

'Can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?'

'Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Janet Jopler!'

'Also, uh, we didn't get the song. I wrote this myself five minutes ago'

'Oh, I'm so sorry! I thought he was someone else!'