Double Edged Sword

I blew mine up, and now it smells like my mouth.

I never sleep on planes. I don't want to get incepted.

You're going to Nags Head? Isn't that redundant?

You will hand me an envelope predicting my joke about Nags Head.

We're going to Toronto for the G8 Economic Summit. It's going to be... very erotic.

I packed underwear that isn't gray!

Like you, Avery is a Type-A nutjob.

Dating yourself is a double-edged sword.

Well, that would only be a problem if I had any flaws. Not only is your fly open, there's a pencil is sticking out of it.

Good day to you, sir.

You are more talented than I.

You're ready, Mirror Jenna.

Clear. I'll need a whale saddle.

Kate Capshaw's husband?

the guitar-playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning. Dotcom is confirming that he drowned.

Why are you putting me in a suit? I still haven't memorized my Torah passage!

Success is a double-edged sword.

I realize you're more important than everyone else on the flight, what with those Jets sweatpants...

Excuse me, young lady. Are you old enough to be traveling alone? I don't know. I'm going to visit my Nana, but I'm scared. Wait, that's too young. Roger that.

This is a $90-million aircraft, not a Tallahassee strip club.

And that is Sky Law.

I'm a businessman. I'm not an air marshal.

There's a man on the wing! We haven't taken off yet. It's just a mechanic.

Oh, God, you're breaking the extra bone all Canadians have in their hands!

Why did I buy a beryllium mine if her birthstone isn't going to be aquamarine?

Good God. She'll be Canadian!

Your milk comes in bags. Bags! Your pavilion at EPCOT doesn't have a ride!

And if Canada is so nice and friendly, why does most of our meth come from your Asian drug gangs?

Are we not even making our own meth? What is happening to American manufacturing?

If only we were in Kenya right now, we'd be fine.

I'm not scared of you people! And I don't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby penises!

And NBC sitcoms that didn't make the schedule.

to control the herds of walking mozzarella sticks who think that $300 and a photo ID gives them the right to fly through the air like one of the Guardian Owls of legend!

Well, good luck pressing 'Take Off', then 'Autopilot', then 'Land'.

When I asked the lady at the desk, she told me in kilometers!

We ruined those kids' field day.

To what, Jack? Be a mouthpiece for Federalism and then die in a duel against someone named Aaron? Is that what you want our daughter to be? A big government duel loser?

Dear God, they've re-started the failed NBC shows. Oh, no. Please, no. Not 'Gals on the Town' again!

Love and friendship, having it all / Or maybe just a great pair of shoes / One of them has to be Asian / Can they be good at their jobs?

We were like them once, and we can be again! But we're just airplane folk now!

He compromises readily on movie choices and... sexual positions.

I'm assuming you don't want to stop for gas in the middle of the ocean.

Stewart did not study dance at Carnegie Mellon to become a flight attendant to clean bathrooms.

Those potato chip bags are designed to be opened in flight. You open them at sea level, somebody could be killed.

If I can't poop on the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?

including any lipless middle-aged women in lesbian clown shirts, should please be seated at this time.

Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools!

Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools!

You ever hear of the 'Peter Principle'? Yes. Just now.

But my incompetence knows no bounds.

On D-Day, my grandfather wore a German uniform under his American one, just in case.

Or perform his husband bedroom duties... for instance, painting the bedroom?

because Al Sharpton doesn't have an office.

And I know, because I've looked it up for you a dozen times!

Great. I'm Lorne. If you're a cop, you have to tell me.

I'm still in Girl Scouts. I have 9,000 badges.

Hey, I'm still looking for a golf ball I shanked in 1987. I am not taking that penalty stroke!

Austin Powers on 'Crossfire', timely stuff.

"Uh, folks, half an hour means forever."

The card was wrong!

I did not! I wanted the books to slide off!

Admit that I, as Captain of this vessel, was in the right. You were wrong to question me, and I was correct in my treatment of you and your fellow animals.

Because they sound very sitcomy.

and declare war on Germany, like back when we were awesome.

They made me memorize all 700 words in the Canadian dictionary.

I know, I'm a stereotype. 'All guys from Quebec are good at karate.'

Oh, my God, where are my manners? Do you want to try meth?

Actually, you dial 272 here.

IKEA on a Saturday?

Having seen 'Crimson Tide' on Showtime last weekend, I believe the only course of action available to us is passenger mutiny! I am Denzel!

I am invoking Sky Law. You are now silenced, shrieking harpy.

I'll be a folk hero, like that guy everybody hates now!

You'll have to go through this old bastard first!

But I'm going to treat her just like a human baby.

of that double-edged sword just swinging around, trying to cut your faces off.

Oh, no, you don't! We will not be party to this socialist perversion. You will take our money!

This morning I taught the local schoolchildren all the words to 'Monster Mash'.

Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug?