Tgs Hates Women

Wonderful news, non-famouses.

My publicist just called from rehab.

It's this really cool feminist web site where women talk about how far we've come and which celebrities have the worst beach bodies.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

Take that, Courtney Thorne-Smith.

Computer, 'Jenna'!

This is Amelia Earhart. I'm almost across the Pacific... Oh, no. My period!

I'll now take questions. Oh, no. My period!

Let's nuke England!

But that is an ironic reappropriation.

Absolutely. But it's not your fault. You are genetically predisposed to compete against other women for the attention of strong, powerful men like myself

For example, Hercules, the highlander, or, uh...God.

I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor said if I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

If you try to breed it out of them, you end up with a lesbian with hip dysplasia.

I'm like a human bra,

Please, Lemon. It's got nothing to do with her hot mouth.

Like Hank Hooper says in his book, 'New blood is the lifeblood of every company's blood.'

He's not a strong writer.

Isn't that the guy who outbid no one for NBC?

I read that on a bottle of women's exercise water.

Hi, I'm Kaylie Hooper. I'm 14 years old and I'm waiting in line to meet Justin Bieber 'cause he's...

Your new rival is a ninth grade girl?

Her parents' generation was lost to 'trust fund kids' disease.

The father is trying to sail an inflatable castle across the Atlantic.

To become a doctor's nurse or a lawyer's mistress or even the president of the United States Shopping Association.

Because potential is the difference between what you can't do and what can't you do.

No, I sent it in, but Aquafem did not choose it.

Girl coming!

I mean, light travels at 186,000 miles per second, so...

'Cause chicks dig British guys. Sir Ian McKellen? That dude must be knee-deep in boob.

Star jump! I found the chrysalis!

But what most people don't know is that NBC is still a network.

What you talkin' 'bout, Kaylie? School's cool. Just like Justin 'Bee-eye-bear.'

So our new mascot is a slut.

He discovered the Titanic, the Lusitania, and according to his website, a guilt-free cheesecake recipe.

Okay, now, please follow me to Brian Williams' bathroom, which is also J. Fred Muggs' skull.

West ham drew nil-nil at wolves?

Don't you know I'm talkin' 'bout a femolution?

Look at all these dudes! I knew I smelled sausage.

Our nips just touched. Mine are so hard. Mine are different sizes.

Oh, where's little Abby gonna sit? Guess I'll have to sit on somebody's lap.

Give me strength, oh, Oprah.

When I first started working here, an eight-year-old Shirley Temple taught me how to roll a cigarette.

This guy.

Practice frottage on a poster of Linda Ronstadt and meet your idol.

Oh, I did forget. It was so long ago.

Word choice, Jack.

Is it cold in here or is it just that I'm not wearing any underwear?

New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders. It's a terrible program.

Summer of '98, I took it to a whole new level.

There can't be two of us, Liz. She must be destroyed.

I'll start by spreading a destructive rumor about her like the famous one I made up about Jamie Lee Curtis. That she has two butts.

You're not. 'Bob' is short for 'Bobert.'

You know that's a female. The male is much smaller and is basically a parasite that lives on her. Until mating, of course. Then the male dies.

Yes, the scientific term for that is 'marriage.'

I'm not gonna live forever, no matter how much gold I give Poseidon.

What if you gave me a sticker as a joke?

There she is, men. The elusive northern right whale.

♪ Oh blow the wind westerly ♪ ♪ let the wind blow ♪ ♪ oh derry hi derry ♪ ♪ hey derry ho ♪

Yes, sailor? What is it?

Does this look like the makeup room of a clown academy?

My uncle says they're sexy.

This is my real voice. And the whole sexy baby thing isn't an act. I'm a very sexy baby.

It's not! It's for her!

I placed out of freshman German.

I mean, I was there when he belvedered.

I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.

And we walruses owe him everything for giving us the gift of language.

Well, that's understandable. I mean, 'Grossman' is a little bagel-y.

Oh. Children's book idea: Baby hooker. Don't tell Liz.

This is Charles. I'm on for Douglas. No, Charles. I'm on, but I just dialed in.

This picture exists in only two places. The negative is in my personal safe along with my will and some beanie babies that I thought would be worth more.

You're just like Vanessa from the 'Vampire Detective Mysteries.'

I breathe it.

'Cause I can always tell Pop-Pop you gave me alcohol. And I can always seduce one of your teachers and get her to fail you.

I'd be into that. Me too.

You know what sucked about my last lesbian orgy? Right in the middle of it, one of us had to get up to go use the bathroom and then we all had to go!

Hey, first of all, Steve Carell owns 'that's what she said.' He owns it.

I was cut out of that.

I thought this box would be the perfect size for your head. P.S. I was electrocuted again while watching Seven.

Where Wonder Woman... Gets her period.

No, the only thing that will cure ice cream headaches is having sex on a motorcycle.

When a dolphin expresses excitement it sounds like this.